An update - 3 years later...
Chaotically Peaceful
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
An update - 3 years later...
I've lurked here periodically for the past 3-4 years. My last post was in March of 2007 - but every time there was a crisis in my marriage, I'd come by and read everything I could to keep me focused. Today, however, I read my posts to remind myself of where I was when I started down this path and all I can say is WOW! I know there are so many new "faces" here and I am certainly not a familiar one, but I wanted to share an update...if for nothing more than seeing my own progression the next time I decide to search. LOL!
I've been married to the love of my life for 10 years. I met him when I was 14 and he was my first love. He broke my heart when I was 16. We reconnected when I was 26 and got married 2 years later. He was the only man I ever really wanted to be with. I always felt like I'd walk through fire for him and honestly, thanks to addiction and codependency, I have. I am happy to say that I've finally made it to the other side. After three years of working to understand addiction and my role in our dysfunctional marriage, it has finally paid off and the "last time" really WAS the last time.
Without going into all of the details of the past 5 years, I'll just say that DH's addiction has moved along in a textbook fashion (if we could only see into the future...sigh). We've made a steady progression through drinking, lying, stealing, Rx drug use and eventually cheating (something I honestly thought would never happen). In the past year I've stayed in the marriage because I thought he was living sober and felt that although much of the passion was gone due to repeated deceit, I should work to keep our family together as long as he was not using. BOY did he have me snowed! Three months ago, I started noticing a lot of texting and secretive phone calls. I asked him about it and he told me the woman who had hired him for a large commercial painting job only communicated through texting. A month ago, I was analyzing our phone use because we had gone over our minutes. I found that there were several picture messages from her and, in addition to daily phone calls and numerous texts to this woman, there were also calls to an old familiar number...a drug dealer.
It was like an out-of-body experience as I started to connect all the random odd things that had been happening for months (forgetting to tell me that he had filled my Rx for pain meds when I had a kidney stone, random cold sweats, cramping and vomiting, leaving the house late at night for errands that took longer than they should). I was sick to my stomach but I also felt this weird relief...hard to explain. I called my mom to make arrangements for the boys to stay with her the next night, had a friend come hang out with me and searched his truck for evidence (because I knew if I confronted him without it, he would deny, deny, deny...which he did anyway but at least I didn't doubt myself.) I found an empty Rx bottle and a payment book for a $5K loan that I knew nothing about. The next night I sat down with him in the living room and calmly told him that our marriage was over and he was moving out that night. He, of course, denied everything and acted floored but I held my ground. The following night, I walked into my house after work and for the first time in AGES, felt peace in my home.
Fast forward one month. After repeated calls and pleas for reconciliation, promises of sobriety, apologies, flowers and tears, he is still out of the house. He is attending counseling and meetings and has been chemically sober for what he says is the longest time in his adult life. I'm very hopeful for him and for our children that he serious about sobriety. But I still have my peace. I have it because I have finally moved from a place of wondering "How are you going to F*@% up my life now?" to "I truly hope you are able to find sobriety, friend." It's amazing. I'm FREE. I'm free to live a peaceful daily life. I'm free to really love him in a healthy way (from a distance). I'm free to be a present parent. I'm finally FREE to move forward in life. What an amazing gift I've given myself.
I am dealing with a bit of the backlash. How could I be so stupid not to see that he was using drugs for so long? Why did I feel such a need to keep our family together? The pain of the affair has also been a stinger. I honestly NEVER thought it would happen to me. He has always been crazy about me and I, him. We've always been a very affectionate couple and being a bit of a flirtatious person, I've always flirted shamelessly with him. However, I guess last year when I determined my own boundaries and rejected addiction as a way of life for us, he had to turn to another woman who made him feel like the lifestyle he was living was OK (the classic my-wife-doesn't-understand-me stuff is what he fed her). At least I know that this all has nothing to do with me. Not the drug use, the stealing, the lying or the cheating. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I didn't CAUSE it. But I CAN make choices for me...and I did. And I feel GREAT! I'll admit that it is hard to see him in pain but at this point but it feels oddly like feeling the pain of a friend...compassion but not involvement.
Anyway, I just wanted to take a few minutes to post. It helps me to see how I have grown as a person and I want to put this story out there for someone else who might be stumbling onto this board for the first time. Although I have never been a regular poster, the information on this board has been invaluable. Were it not for stumbling on this site three years ago, I don't know when I would have started on my own path of recovery. What a beautiful place! Thank you so much for all you have unknowingly done for me. Maybe some day my story will help someone else like me.
I've been married to the love of my life for 10 years. I met him when I was 14 and he was my first love. He broke my heart when I was 16. We reconnected when I was 26 and got married 2 years later. He was the only man I ever really wanted to be with. I always felt like I'd walk through fire for him and honestly, thanks to addiction and codependency, I have. I am happy to say that I've finally made it to the other side. After three years of working to understand addiction and my role in our dysfunctional marriage, it has finally paid off and the "last time" really WAS the last time.
Without going into all of the details of the past 5 years, I'll just say that DH's addiction has moved along in a textbook fashion (if we could only see into the future...sigh). We've made a steady progression through drinking, lying, stealing, Rx drug use and eventually cheating (something I honestly thought would never happen). In the past year I've stayed in the marriage because I thought he was living sober and felt that although much of the passion was gone due to repeated deceit, I should work to keep our family together as long as he was not using. BOY did he have me snowed! Three months ago, I started noticing a lot of texting and secretive phone calls. I asked him about it and he told me the woman who had hired him for a large commercial painting job only communicated through texting. A month ago, I was analyzing our phone use because we had gone over our minutes. I found that there were several picture messages from her and, in addition to daily phone calls and numerous texts to this woman, there were also calls to an old familiar number...a drug dealer.
It was like an out-of-body experience as I started to connect all the random odd things that had been happening for months (forgetting to tell me that he had filled my Rx for pain meds when I had a kidney stone, random cold sweats, cramping and vomiting, leaving the house late at night for errands that took longer than they should). I was sick to my stomach but I also felt this weird relief...hard to explain. I called my mom to make arrangements for the boys to stay with her the next night, had a friend come hang out with me and searched his truck for evidence (because I knew if I confronted him without it, he would deny, deny, deny...which he did anyway but at least I didn't doubt myself.) I found an empty Rx bottle and a payment book for a $5K loan that I knew nothing about. The next night I sat down with him in the living room and calmly told him that our marriage was over and he was moving out that night. He, of course, denied everything and acted floored but I held my ground. The following night, I walked into my house after work and for the first time in AGES, felt peace in my home.
Fast forward one month. After repeated calls and pleas for reconciliation, promises of sobriety, apologies, flowers and tears, he is still out of the house. He is attending counseling and meetings and has been chemically sober for what he says is the longest time in his adult life. I'm very hopeful for him and for our children that he serious about sobriety. But I still have my peace. I have it because I have finally moved from a place of wondering "How are you going to F*@% up my life now?" to "I truly hope you are able to find sobriety, friend." It's amazing. I'm FREE. I'm free to live a peaceful daily life. I'm free to really love him in a healthy way (from a distance). I'm free to be a present parent. I'm finally FREE to move forward in life. What an amazing gift I've given myself.
I am dealing with a bit of the backlash. How could I be so stupid not to see that he was using drugs for so long? Why did I feel such a need to keep our family together? The pain of the affair has also been a stinger. I honestly NEVER thought it would happen to me. He has always been crazy about me and I, him. We've always been a very affectionate couple and being a bit of a flirtatious person, I've always flirted shamelessly with him. However, I guess last year when I determined my own boundaries and rejected addiction as a way of life for us, he had to turn to another woman who made him feel like the lifestyle he was living was OK (the classic my-wife-doesn't-understand-me stuff is what he fed her). At least I know that this all has nothing to do with me. Not the drug use, the stealing, the lying or the cheating. I can't control it. I can't cure it. I didn't CAUSE it. But I CAN make choices for me...and I did. And I feel GREAT! I'll admit that it is hard to see him in pain but at this point but it feels oddly like feeling the pain of a friend...compassion but not involvement.
Anyway, I just wanted to take a few minutes to post. It helps me to see how I have grown as a person and I want to put this story out there for someone else who might be stumbling onto this board for the first time. Although I have never been a regular poster, the information on this board has been invaluable. Were it not for stumbling on this site three years ago, I don't know when I would have started on my own path of recovery. What a beautiful place! Thank you so much for all you have unknowingly done for me. Maybe some day my story will help someone else like me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you for sharing SKW.
Pleased to meet you! Please feel free to become an active family member by posting as much as needed.
I also got that surprise about a hidden source of funds! Ugh!
Keep on keeping on!
Pleased to meet you! Please feel free to become an active family member by posting as much as needed.
I also got that surprise about a hidden source of funds! Ugh!
Keep on keeping on!
Enjoy your freedom and peace - it is a wonderful gift.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It's amazing. I'm FREE. I'm free to live a peaceful daily life. I'm free to really love him in a healthy way (from a distance). I'm free to be a present parent. I'm finally FREE to move forward in life. What an amazing gift I've given myself.
WOW! You sound great!
After my divorce therapy really helped me get to the bottom of the "why did I....and how could I not have seen..." etc. so that I stopped beating myself up and was able to appreciate all I had learned.
Freedom is my favorite topic. Thanks for this positive picture of freedom!!!!
peace-
B
WOW! You sound great!
After my divorce therapy really helped me get to the bottom of the "why did I....and how could I not have seen..." etc. so that I stopped beating myself up and was able to appreciate all I had learned.
Freedom is my favorite topic. Thanks for this positive picture of freedom!!!!
peace-
B
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I'm very happy for you!
I do understand 'the freedom' concept.
However, I would suggest, that since he was having an affair and using that you get checked for STD's by your doctor. Just as a precaution, as there are so many of them out there today.
Other than that, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I do understand 'the freedom' concept.
However, I would suggest, that since he was having an affair and using that you get checked for STD's by your doctor. Just as a precaution, as there are so many of them out there today.
Other than that, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow.
So glad you are getting some peace. Hope for his own sake and that of the kids that he gets well, but there is such freedom in knowing that whatever he does for himself, your own well-being doesn't depend on it.
Thanks for sharing a very powerful story.
So glad you are getting some peace. Hope for his own sake and that of the kids that he gets well, but there is such freedom in knowing that whatever he does for himself, your own well-being doesn't depend on it.
Thanks for sharing a very powerful story.
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