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In the process of detaching

Old 08-08-2010, 05:19 AM
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In the process of detaching

Hi,

Last weekend my XAB moved most of his stuff out of the house. It was very emotional. His mood was different every time he came to the house. The worst was when he made fun of my dad who was doing some work at my house and I called him out on it and then he called me 'Dr Nasty' and his friend who was here helping him started laughing which spurred him on and I got upset and walked away. I continued to forge ahead and help move his stuff out of the house. He still has quite a bit of stuff in the house but becuase his new place is a 'dump' as he calls it and is quite small he cant fit everything in the house.

So Sunday was very sad becuase he took his puppies. On Monday I was on my way to work when I slipped over and sprained my ankle. I've just come off crutches but I have been home all week.

He dropped by on Friday as I let him know he had some mail here. Becuase I still do care about him I asked how he was going. He said that he had relapsed a little and has now decided he should go to NA not AA. He is also not going to go back to work full time as he cant handle it. How he will pay for all his expenses... i dont know...not my problem..... but I still worry about his dogs. I know that the other night he fed them fries as that is all he had. Seems like he is not in a good place at the moment. He said that he would drop by over the weekend to pick up the rest of his things and drop off the house keys.

So now its the end of the weekend... no word from him. I messaged him to see what the plan was to get the rest of his stuff out of the house. He replied saying that he wont be able to fit much more in his house and that he will drop the keys off at some stage but he doesn't know when.....

I got a new puppy on the weekend as my 3 year old puppy is lonely and I prefer to have lots of puppies around. So I messaged the XAB to say that If he is going to come to the house then he needs to advise me prior so I can get someone to meet him here as I have a new addition in the house. He said that was fine.

Seeming as though I have been sitting at home all week with a sprained ankle, feeling pretty miserable, I have been focusing on detaching and on myself. I have good and bad days like everyone. Today must be a bad day as after we exchanged messages about the house business I sent him a message tonight asking if everything was ok... and of course he doesn't respond. Although I am focusing on myself the codie in me still slips back and wants to know how he is going. The difference is now that when he doesn't respond I dont go nuts, I just focus on detaching with love.

I dont know why he wont give me the house keys back. I was going to get the locks changed, however I didn't want to give him a reason to go crazy. I dont know if he is avoiding it as its the last thing that is connecting us, or if he is just being self centred as usual?
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:11 AM
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Sorry about your sprain. I hope you will continue to heal and have a full recovery.

Aww, a new fur baby in the house! Let us know what you have named the new family member. We love new furry-family members!

Your concern over the other animals in his care can be handled by a phone call to the animal control office or humane society. His telling you about his inability to provide for them is a hook to keep you emotionally enmeshed in his life.

Proceed with caution. The more inquiries you make into his well-being, the more opportunities to become hooked in his drama.

I had a strong desire to pick up the phone throughout the day and contact my ex when we seperated. It was a habit. We had shared our lives together for 14 years. He was my go to pal. I came here and read and posted instead. I had to learn to break the habit.

That is why "No Contact" works. It helped me to break the habit of contacting my A.

I think your idea of changing the locks is a good idea. The sooner the better. The house key and the last of his stuff are hooks to keep you attached to his drama.

This is your home.
This is your life.
This is your recovery.

Make it wonderful!
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:35 AM
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Pelican, you're wonderful!
His telling you about his inability to provide for them is a hook to keep you emotionally enmeshed in his life.
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:43 AM
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Pelican said it so perfectly I really don't have anything to add. Just wanted to send you some cyber support. Each day will be a little less miserable until your life is so serene and centered you can't imagine it any other way. Hang on.
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:53 AM
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Each read of Pelicans post becomes more impactful. Than you, I really needed this awareness today.

Proceed with caution. The more inquiries you make into his well-being, the more opportunities to become hooked in his drama.
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:55 AM
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I was going to get the locks changed, however I didn't want to give him a reason to go crazy.
Change the locks. It's perfectly acceptable and it is a wise decision. If he goes crazy over it, that's not something you have any control over. The only thing you can control is who has access to your house.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:05 AM
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katie,

There are many, many wise voices here and I want to echo Pelican as well. When I had the last counseling session with my exA I made the decision to fill my car with the things she had stored in my attic and give them to her after the "break up counseling session". You can read my posts on that, it was not an easy decision. But now, 4 months later, I can see that it was one of the best decisions for me that I could have made! I needed her to be out of my life so I could heal. I needed to make myself the priority. She was very upset but I was taking care of myself. Her reaction was a good clue as to how much she really respected ME--not much. It was always about her.

If your situation is anything like mine your exbf will be upset no matter what you do--it's a double-bind, you can't win, you can't make the "right" choice so that he'll be happy.

I had a friend who, after repeated asking her exbf to pick up his stuff and he didn't, rented a storage facility for 1 month. She put her bf's things in it and mailed him the keys to the lock. She told him that after a month the facility would be able to sell everything if he didn't either pick the stuff up or pay the rent. Either way, she was out of the middle. I'll bet he wasn't happy, but SHE was, and it was no longer her problem.

Oh, and she changed the locks, too...after he waltzed into the place while she was at work and stole some of her stuff. Of course, he said he DIDN'T take the items. But after the locks changed there was never a problem again.

Big hugs,
posie
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:27 AM
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I agree, change the locks. It's one less thing for you to worry about, and something you can handle yourself instead of stressing over his dropping off the keys.

As far as the extra stuff of his in your house, you don't want to be the storage facility. He could rent a storage locker if he doesn't have a friend willing to take it. If I were you, I'd set a date for him to pick it up, letting him know that if he doesn't, you will deliver it the next day to his house at a specific time. Many police departments are willing to supervise property removals. An officer, or even your dad, could accompany you as a witness that you delivered as promised.

If he's anything like my exes, he will drag all of this out to the nth degree. The sooner it's over with, the better.

Hope your ankle (and the rest of you) is feeling better soon.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:30 AM
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Incidentally, I was going to suggest what Posie did, renting the locker yourself. The only drawback to that is that if it's rented in your name, failure to pay the rent can wind up a ding on your credit report.

It would be worth it to me, personally, to offer to pay the deposit and first month's rent if he doesn't have it, but let him rent it in his own name.
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Old 08-08-2010, 03:14 PM
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The number of times this scenario gets played.....and every time it takes action from the poster here, to get their A out of their hair finally. In some cases the "coming to get my stuff" cr*p went on for months, which caused continued pain, and a few times the A used their keys to come and go, which was scary.

None of his mess is your problem, so let him sort it out for himself.
All you need see to, is to change locks.....like NOW. Even getting a key back does not mean he does not have a copy. Changed locks means he stays out of your home.

Either put his stuff where he can get it, and tell him that there is a collect deadline or it is dumped......or get a storage lock up, IN HIS NAME, pay the first month as a "bye bye" gift and give him the key.

You then get to take care of important issues, like yourself and your puppies.

God bless
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Old 08-08-2010, 04:06 PM
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Thank you all for your advice.

I agree, by him still having to give me keys and having things to collect from my house it still connects me to the drama.
It frustrates me that he never contacts me, I always have to ask him whats going on and then he will give me an approximate time and date and then blows it and doesn't even have the decency to contact me to let me know his plans have changed.

He is was always selfish in our relationship and its exactly the same now. According to him he says that he knows its unfair that it was always about him and now it continues to be all about him but thats what he needs for his recovery.

I can relate that he was always my go to person. We were together for 4 years and lived together for 3 and did everything together.... well except the contribution to our future... I did all of that and the housework and paid for the house

I am trying to heal but having this worry about him. I am worried that in 6 months time he is going to show up on my doorstep and want to explain his actions. I hope by then I can have the strength to close the door in his face.

For now my priorities are my fur babies. I just am scared that as he has access to the house with them here. I could potentially give his things to his friend, dump it all at her house and then change the locks, so there is no reason at all he has to come to the house..?
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Old 08-08-2010, 04:16 PM
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When I booted my AD out after coming home to a house reeking of pot, my stereo blaring, and a man in my house I didn't even know, she had two weeks to pick up her stuff. After that, anything left went in the dumpster. I stuck to my guns.

I also changed my locks.

I am sorry you are hurting. Please be gentle to yourself, and know that it will get better with time as you continue to work your own program of recovery.
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:54 PM
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Quote; ((( I could potentially give his things to his friend, dump it all at her house and then change the locks, so there is no reason at all he has to come to the house..? )))

Sounds very good idea, but I would change locks first then do the dump.

God bless
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Old 08-09-2010, 05:44 AM
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I agree with jadmack, change the locks first. He has no reason to come in without your permission.
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