FarawayFromCars

My parents are yet again taking AS in for a few months. They are seeing a therapist; my mom doesn't want to continue the enabling pattern, but my dad "has the say" in the household as she puts it (though I question this). So anyway...they were on their way through our town to pick up AS, and asked if they could stop by and see us for coffee. We were on our way out to see my husband's parents in another town for the day, and I told them as much yesterday. So this morning, my mom calls me, hysterically crying, screaming, and yelling that I am "ungrateful" "selfish" and "always make lame excuses" not to see them, blah blah BLAH. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. So I hit the hang up button and ended the call.
Feeling shaky but I think I'll be okay and stronger for it. Had a productive session with my therapist yesterday in which we discussed upholding boundaries with my parents (esp. with my mom) in which I deem what is acceptable and what is not. Her emotional blackmail and hysteria are unacceptable to me.
I wrote her a quick, neutral email explaining that I hung up the phone because her hysteria and her choice to take out her frustration over AS on me are unacceptable. I told her when she was ready to discuss this calmly and rationally, she could give me a call. I'm second-guessing if I should have sent the email; maybe it's better to just not say anything at all and let the ended phone call speak for itself.
I just needed a vent...like I said, feeling shaky, but I know that I have to do the right thing for me and that I deserve better treatment. My mom has been this way my entire life (verbally abusive, emotionally blackmailing, narcissistic) so standing up for myself will take some getting used to.

LexieCat

Is this your son or their son (your brother) they are taking in?

I think you did the right thing, both by ending the phone call, and by sending the email briefly explaining why you hung up. If you had been able to get a word in edgewise, you could have explained why you were not having this conversation, but the email at least makes it clear you weren't just angrily hanging up on them.

Yeah, I always feel shaky, myself, after a confrontation like that. Good that you posted here to get a little reinforcement.

Ya done good, IMO.

FarawayFromCars

Actually AS = alcoholic sister. My adult sister has been an alcoholic for 15 years. I recently started detaching from her situation (in the last year or so) because she is so enmeshed in her disease. My parents do not respect my decision to separate, so I will have to separate from them, too. I am learning that I have to put myself and my own life (husband, cat) before their needs.

LexieCat

Oops, OK, I forgot sister. Gotcha.

Good job, I think you are doing what you need to do for yourself.

Bernadette

Hey faraway-
I think it's good you sent the email. If only because as your relationship evolves you will feel like you have been very clear, not mean, and open to stating what is acceptable for you. She may not WANT to hear it, and that you can't control, but it seems like it should help alleviate guilt on your part which can so quickly sabotage our efforts to change the dynamic with our dysfunctional families.

Hang in there - slow and steady!
peace,
B

HisChild

Your mother sounds exactly like my MIL. Very narcissitic!! But I think you did exactly the right thing. My MIL has 3 children and all are addicts. Go figure. Keep your boundries. Good luck!

FarawayFromCars

Thanks, everyone...this is so frustrating sometimes. Just trying to stay strong and keep my boundaries and learn that I deserve to be treated respect. Still makes me sad, tho'.

Lola1024

You are doing a great job Faraway. It is tough to enforce boundries esp with family cause there is so much history. I hope your family stops behaving in such an agressive way to get you to "change back". I am sure they were very comfy with the way things were. Having your AS in close range is thier choice - thier consequences. You have chosen a healthier way for you. Stand strong you will not be sorry.

ElegantlyWasted

I think it's good to reflect on our decisions, its how we learn and reinforce the good decisions we make. My opinion is that the e-mail is perfect in that it rationally layed out the underlying boundaries that you enforced when you told her you would not meet up for coffee.

chicory

"So this morning, my mom calls me, hysterically crying, screaming, and yelling that I am "ungrateful" "selfish" and "always make lame excuses" not to see them, blah blah BLAH. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. So I hit the hang up button and ended the call."


I can understand why you would resist contact and /or conversation with someone using these tactics. Perhaps with you standing your ground, at least she will learn how you wish to be treated. If not, then you are taking care of yourself anyway.

Is she trying to "force" a relationship between you and your AS? Is she thinking that it would help AS? That does not work, as I have personally found out. My grown daughters do not have much to do with their brother, who lives with me. It hurt at first, to be alone in helping him (I know, not ideal situation here, but my choice). And it was my choice to help, against their judgment. I hoped that they would contact him, to make him feel loved anyway. I know now that he must earn that from them.

He has been so totally selfish with his time, and they are right to be angry at him. All of his life, he had no time for anyone, but had his own "things to do", that usually did not include family. Now that he is down and out, no one is there. Those are his consequences,and he must learn from the pain of them. He made this bed, and can choose to change if he wants. Until he reaches out to them, why should they be expected to comfort him? They love him, but are not going to waste time talking, for it usually ends up with him trying to justify his choices and actions. Which makes them crazy.

He knows he is loved. He is included in family things, but they are not going to "take care" of him. He needs to see that he has burnt his bridges. He needs to know that he is not trusted . He needs to know that others recognize "bulls--t, when they hear it. If only he could recognize the bulls--t in his self!

hang in there, be strong, and focus on you, and your family. No one has the right to make you do anything that you are uncomfortable with. Just cause they gave birth to you, that does not give them the right to make you unhappy.She has no right to force her choices on you, or to expect you to support them. I think it was perfectly appropriate to hang up. That is what the situation called for, unfortunately.

chicory

Pelican

Congratulations on taking your power back!

FarawayFromCars

That's exactly it! My therapist asked me, "if this type of reaction came from a stranger, how would you feel?" and I answered, "well, I would think it was irrational and crazy", and he said, "exactly. Even though it comes from your family, it can still be irrational and crazy, and you deserve to separate yourself from this. If you don't, you will continue to suffer."

That stuck with me...I will continue to suffer if I don't enforce boundaries that will hopefully lead to change.


And thank you chicory, for your post. Yes, my mom (and dad) continually try to "force" me to have a relationship with my AS, in spite of the fact that she is actively drinking and I find that too painful to be around. I cannot be enmeshed in her madness, so I am detaching with love.

Thank you everyone.