This morning

Old 08-07-2010, 06:43 AM
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This morning

I woke up to a message this morning from my X saying "(GF) and I split up.....I am going to Afghanistan."

I don't even know how to process this. I don't think this is a vieled "threat". I think he's going. He's a former marine, and I know he "wants" to go back, he's often said he just wanted to die over there. I know he has survivirs guilt. The list goes on...

Selfishly, the worst thing for me is that I cared about him too....but it wasn't enough. And now he just wants to go die, and wants me to know it. I can't even feel everything right now.... I feel like I was waiting for this moment, and it's here, and I can't feel anything, and I wish they were back together so he wouldn't go.
Not a great day.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:22 AM
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I am going to share one of your recent posts with you. You wrote this 6-29-10 (bold print added by me)
Originally Posted by Kittyboo View Post
It's hard, it's really hard...we all most definitely understand that.

My XA contacted me a couple of weeks ago. I waited almost a year for that moment. The previous year was one of the most difficult of my life. I did nothing but work on myself and get past so much of the pain.
In this call he apologized for the pain he caused me. And though I want so much to be able to put it all behind me and be friends, I absolutely cannot forget about the way he treated me.
He is still with his girlfriend (the one he went back to after I moved to be close to him)

When I realized that I still have hope that he has changed and there is that part of me that loves him, I also realized that I cannot have him in my life. It brings way too much pain. Pain that I don't need.
With him in my life I would not be allowing myself to really move on.

I too did not want for him to think that I didn't care about him. It's just the opposite. But at the same time, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I know the reasons why I cannot have him in my life, I know that it is not healthy for me. And one of traits of making healthy choices is when you make them because you know it is what is best for you.
And you make that choice in a responsible way, in a respectful way.
How she chooses to react to your choice is completely all her. It has nothing to do with you. We all want to be highly respected and thought well of. What I have found that matters is not what other people think of you, it's what you think of yourself. Your reasons for maintaining contact with her sound completely ego driven. Not trying to be harsh there, just an observation.

Give yourself some breathing space. And for a moment don't ask how she is going to feel if you go no contact, ask how you are going to feel if you stay in contact.
Kittyboo,

That text message is manipulation. He sent that message because he was confident it would get a reaction from you.

You now have a choice. You can let those five words: "I am going to Afghanistan" take away the serenity and peace you have tried so hard to maintain, or you can let go and let his HP have him.

Serenity is something we work to maintain on a daily basis. One day at a time. Some wise soul here on SR recently posted an analogy of what our serenity can look like as we give it away.

Scenario: dinner table with loved ones gathered around.
Someone says: Kittyboo, please pass the salt.
Your knee-jerk reaction is to pass the salt.

Suppose your loved one says: Kittyboo, please pass your serenity.........
(sometimes we give away our serenity without even thinking about what we did)

:ghug3

I hope you are able to detach from that text. This is YOUR Saturday. Make it count for YOU!
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Old 08-07-2010, 10:32 AM
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What a supreme douchelord. It reads to me like, "Hey Kitty, I know you've just been waiting around for me, so here I am!" And just in case that's not enough, he's hitting you with what he knows is a sore spot so you'll be sure to contact him and get sucked back in. So 1) he's assuming you're desperately waiting around for him and 2) he's abusing the fact that you're a kind and caring person. I think I hate him.

I wouldn't blame you for responding via email something along the lines of, "I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now, but I have moved on with my life. You know my feelings about Afghanistan, but I know that you will do what you want to do. I wish you the best." And then block him, fer cryin' out loud!
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Old 08-07-2010, 10:50 AM
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If you cannot resist sending some kind of response, I would keep it along the lines of, "Stay safe" or "Take care of yourself."

Anything else, any indication of caring so much that you want to talk him out of it, will only suck you back into the drama.

If he wants to go to Afghanistan that is HIS choice. Not your problem.
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Old 08-07-2010, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by wanting View Post
What a supreme douchelord. It reads to me like, "Hey Kitty, I know you've just been waiting around for me, so here I am!" And just in case that's not enough, he's hitting you with what he knows is a sore spot so you'll be sure to contact him and get sucked back in. So 1) he's assuming you're desperately waiting around for him and 2) he's abusing the fact that you're a kind and caring person. I think I hate him.

I wouldn't blame you for responding via email something along the lines of, "I'm sorry things aren't going well for you right now, but I have moved on with my life. You know my feelings about Afghanistan, but I know that you will do what you want to do. I wish you the best." And then block him, fer cryin' out loud!
Amen! Or, don't block him and, keep suffering the consequences.

I don't think I like him much either.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 08-07-2010, 03:54 PM
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I recently talked to a guy that bed someone while his ex's bra was still below the pillow.

Sorry for the gross image.

But I remembered that with that message. "Kitty, I couldn't care less about how you have felt all this time or what I did in our relation. All I know is I-the only important human in the Universe- can't spend A MINUTE by myself, and need you to keep worrying about me".

IMHO its better if you don't answer anything... hard to resist, I know, but after seeing how sad and angry you have felt about this guy Kitty he doesn't deserve anything from a wonderful woman like you.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:00 PM
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That guy is cruel. Glad he's an X.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:20 PM
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I'd text him back "Don't forget the sunscreen!" But I can be unpleasant like that.

Quack, quack, quack. Just more manipulation. Stay focused on worthy YOU.
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Old 08-07-2010, 09:50 PM
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Hi Kitty, it is really time time focus on you, you really need time to heal! As one of the posters put it ''Look above and see HP's arms coming down, hand over everything into HIS loving hands'' and leave them there, this guy has so much to work through and you cannot do it for him, let him go! I am sure once he is gone, he will find himself again. But today, you have to believe in yourself, just for today, only take time out to concentrate on you! He has taken far too much from you, time to LET GO and LET HP take care of things. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:48 AM
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Kittyboo,

I'm sorry. I know this hurts.

What his text reminds me of is how my exs have used that kind of manipulation with me, and the kids' father (not an alcoholic, simply a manipulative and immature person) will make an alleged decision and "jab" me with it, to see the reaction and then gauge his own reaction before thinking about actually owning the decision for himself. Very slippery stuff, that is, and I can get caught up in it if I'm not careful.

You let him go for very solid reasons. You have journeyed through intense pain by knowing him, by loving him. You've let him go...all for very, very good reasons.

If this was your friend, telling you that s/he had made a decision to do this, what would you say? Would you try to talk that person out of it, or respect their decision as their own? And he is not your partner, and he is not your friend. He is a story in your past that you have written the final paragraph on. Now he starts his own new chapter, wherever he wants that to be, and you start your very own chapter. (Oh! The Places You'll Go!--Love that Dr. Seuss book. I highly recommend you get a copy.)

Remember, you've let him go for very, very good reasons--the only one you can save is yourself.

Hugs, hugs, hugs,
posie
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:59 PM
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Frankly Hon, I figure the Taliban deserve him.
I only hope, if he does get there....that he is posted NOWHERE near my Aussie troops, as he'd be a bigger danger to them than anything the Taliban could be.

Ok, now you have heard from him, and it was full of him, and you just his audience....wish him luck and let him go where-ever, whenever.
He never was yours, and thankfully never will be.....so LET HIM GO.

God bless
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Old 08-08-2010, 04:59 PM
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Jadmack... though I have always LOVED your responses, and I appreciate everyones here, your comment re: the Taliban deserving him is a very hard pill to swallow.

No, the Taliban doesn't deserve him or ANY of the men and women that go over there. Yes, I have issues with how he has treated me, but after hearing him speak to a group of people with tears in his eyes about having to pick up the bodies of his friends, killing people and having a hard time with it.... no matter what, I would NEVER EVER want him or ANYONE'S mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or children to go over there.

I have not had contact with him since, and I appreciate everyone's words here, they are always helpful. I just really had to address that particular statement as it was very hard for me to take. I will always be a little defensive of our military in that sense. Thats just the way it is.

Thanks.
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:50 PM
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SORRY for upsetting you, but it was a crack at the taliban, certainly NOT our troops as have a nephew still serving there, on 3rd trip. Also have friend with daughter there, so spend lots of time in prayer for them.

I might add, that I keep in touch with a group that cares for women, brutalised in many ways by their husbands, in-laws or family, as well as local leaders. Horrific stories, and I feel nothing but contempt for those who carry out such indecencies.

Sorry again as I did not intend to offend anyone, other than taliban themselves.

God bless
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