iamconfused

Hello, I am fairly new to sober recovery. I have been reading the threads for awhile now and finally decided to post this thread in hopes of gaining more insight into recovery. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, I think. He has been going to AA 2-3 times a weeks for 4-6 months now and is really trying not to drink. I'm still not sure how often he was drinking in the past but I do know every couple months he would go on binges. He says he was drinking a few times a week and was lying about it. The last couple of times before he admitted he needed help I had to call his sister to come over because things were so bad (verbal abuse, have toddler and baby in house). Since he started AA I have seen a HUGE improvement in terms of his attitude towards me. The verbal abuse has lessened dramatically and he has become more pleasant to be around. I would say that the household is a much much happier place for my husband, myself and the kids. When my husband was drinking he was lying every time I asked him and now he is more open if he does fall off the wagon with regrets (which NEVER happened before her started AA). He has relapsed about 4 times in the past 5 months or so (including tonight-he is not home yet, hmmmmm). My question is: is it normal to relapse in the early stages of revery or do you think that this is probably his new way of drinking?? What should I expect during this recovery process??
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and answer my questions.

Dee74

Hi Iamconfused

Welcome

I'm sorry - but if your husband is drinking, he's not in recovery.

I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholics in recovery recognise what alcohol does to us and we make different choices.

I made the choice to not drink at all, and I keep working at that choice.

I'm worried about how you say 'the verbal abuse has lessened dramatically'...I don't believe any amount of abuse, verbal or otherwise, is acceptable. I think we deserve better.

Please take care of yourself.

Do you go to AlAnon at all?
D

iamconfused

I do go to Alanon but it's very sporadic. I would like to go more but haven't been able to. I do find it helpful when I do go.

What would you call what my husband is doing. Attempting recovery, maybe??

I would say the verbal abuse was constant when he was drinking on a regular basis. It's ALMOST non-existent now.

I know I deserve better in every aspect of this whole process but he is a much better husband than he has every been and is a wonderful father. I want to make it work for my kids but only if he isn't drinking...

Dee74

It's very hard for anyone to judge what someone else is doing on the basis on one post, Iamconfused.

I don't believe drinking is a part of recovery, but relapses happen for sure.
Repeated relapse though is always a sign that somethings not quite right I think.

What made you post here to ask whether it was relapse or drinking?

D

iamconfused

I was wondering if it's some slip ups in the recovery process is normal or maybe he is thinking that drinking every couple of months is minimal enough for his wife and kids to deal with.
Does that make sense??

I guess I am confused about what recovery really is....

Dee74

It's confusing

I should have perhaps made it clear that my views now are that of a guy with some years sobriety.

I don't think relapse was a part of my recovery, I think it was a part of my disease....but I certainly did my share of relapsing when I was trying to get 'there'.

I keep trying to bring it back to you, cos basically we're the only ones we can change, not our loved ones. That's their job to decide to change, or not.

Remember the 3 cs - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it?

If your husbands drinking is affecting you - whether it's 'relapse' or not - you have to decide what you're going to do about that, how you will react, and what your boundaries of 'acceptable' are going to be.

That's why I suggested alanon - but I know you'll get a lot of help and support here too


D

iamconfused

Thanks Dee74. I now uderstand relapse is part of the disease not recovery.

I know my husband is TRYING to work towards recovery. I do know the only person I can change is myself. I am just getting impatient with this whole process. I want to stay and make things work for my family but am afraid my husband will be stuck in this rut of binging every few weeks which won't work for me. I want to give him a chance but am so sick of it all.

I guess I need to figure out how long of a chance I am willing to give him.....

LexieCat

That's where Al-Anon comes in handy. You don't have to figure the whole thing out at once. You can start sorting out what individual boundaries you want to have about certain things. You pick which things are important, and which are less important. As you get things clearer in your own mind, your answers will come in due time about what to do about staying or leaving.

One thing I learned in Al-Anon is not to make empty threats--don't make ultimatums until and unless you are willing to carry them out.

naive

for me, i think that if someone was entering a true recovery the following would be present, if only in faltering steps:
i guess a clue as to whether your husband is in recovery or not would be to consider:

silkspin

Al Anon will help you find patience whether you stay or not - because there is no quick fix. Even when they're sober - recently in a meeting I heard that one man had like 20 years of sobriety and had a relapse. This is the potential we could face - it is lifelong management.

I know my husband is trying to work through 'recovery' too; he's relapsed the past few weeks after 1.5 years sober. And yet, his 'trying to work' it is not really there. He says a few things, has attended a few meetings, but in the end he is still picking up that drink which leads me to believe that he's just trying to thrown me crumbs to stay status quo and that he can prolong the drinking episode. Right now I am completely focused on me and my daughter and slowly and deliberately thinking about what my next steps are. The beauty of the program has taught me to consider and act in my best interest as opposed to reacting to his drinking, and this is what I'm doing now.

iamconfused

He knows he shouldn't be drinking at all. He has been remorseful when he does only since starting AA 6 months ago). Although last night he was out until 2:00 am and he seems different this morning. He is more nasty and doesn't seem to be remorseful at all. My 3 year old doesn't even want to be around him which is unusual. I think he has an idea daddy is different this morning.

silkspin

Yes, they do know they shouldn't but they do and they will. Better to ask forgiveness than to seek permission, so to speak. The remorse is fully about them validating their need to drink next time rather than truly feeling sorry to you for anything. I no longer accept apologies and hugs the day after because they are pathetic and needy and about him and I won't give that to him. You're on your own buddy.
We have a 3 year old. Saturdays are his day to wake up with her. He had a triple header in softball last night - I don't know when he got in or when he came to bed, but 2 of the 3 beers that had been in the fridge from his last game were gone so I know he'd been drinking. He grumbled about switching his day and went to use the bathroom, and my daughter said she didn't want him, she wanted mommy. She may have sensed his difference this morning too. I was angry at first, but I'm trying to see the gratitude. It allowed me to see some good posts here, and it gave me some precious moments with my daughter because she has been so loving this morning. He's the one missing out, and unfortunately for him he will continue to miss out as long as he continues.

groybin

I am now untangling myself from my ABF. He went through outpatient treatment late last year due to a DUI. We were both filled with hope when he "graduated" from treatment.

Since then, his attendance at AA meetings and his recovery support group have slowly dwindled away. He started drinking again, first by going out and binging after a disagreement with me or his ex wife. He was full of remorse and promises to call his sponsor, to reach out for help from me the next time the urge to drink hit.
It never happened the way he planned, he only "reached out" to me the morning after.

Soon it escalated to drinking alone several times a week, with the excuse that it is his fall back coping method, it is the only thing that works, that he can't change a 30 yr habit. He would shut himself away in his home some evening saying he was tired, needed time alone. Later that night he would start drunk dialing/texting me. If you asked him, he would still say he is in recovery, that he is still working on his sobriety. Yeah right.

Of course, this has affected our relationship over the year we have been together. 8 months ago I was optimistic and full of hope. Today, I will be packing up my things with plans to move out of the neighborhood we both live in. This time next week I will be in a new home, I will miss my old place but my sanity demands that I leave. Too many painful memories around here. Only you can decide how far you will go with this, how much you are willing to sacrifice.

Carol Star

Watch his actions. He will want recovery more than he wants to drink. You work the program you wish he would work. Doesn't seem like he is done to me. You need meetings. You need a sponser. Read the Melody Beattie books. Keep coming here and spilling it.

TheEnd

It sounds like you have your answer.........If his behavior has changed for the better then he probably isn't drinking........relapses are apart of recovery, and it sounds like he is handeling them better by being honest with you so I would just sit back and watch what he does....

Freedom1990

Relapses are not a part of recovery. Relapses are a part of the active disease of alcoholism.

When I made the conscious choice to drink again after 4 years of sobriety, it had nothing to do with recovery, and everything to do with returning to active alcoholism.

I either work a program of recovery and stay sober, or I don't.

For me, 'trying' is like being a 'little bit' pregnant.

Relapse also implies that at some point there was some true, serious recovery.

Otherwise it's just abstinence with binges interspersed.

Jazzman

From my experience real recovery is blatantly obvious and not at all ambiguous. It's like being hit by a bus or bitten by a shark, you'll know when it happens. If you're in doubt there's probably a good reason to be.

Bolina

What Jazz said.

Recovery is unmistakeable. And that goes for the other side of the fence too. No half-measures and all that.

There is no unringing of the bell.

FindingPeace1

Naive, I adore you. You are so clear. It's so true.
This is golden, right here, folks!
We do so much rationalizing and reasoning and hoping and trying and worrying and self-doubting...
but to just spell it out and ASK yes or no questions.
Drama need not apply.
Simple.
Clear.
Now what choices do we want to make knowing what we know?

Thanks!!
peace

mananagirl

I think you said it yourself. I do deserve better. You at least deserve to know what his plans are as far as drinking. That way you can decide your plans. Who was it that said
" I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and ask myself; if this were the last day of my life would I want to spend it like yesterday? If the answer is too many no's then its good indication that you might consider answering the question with a yes because you decided to live a fullfilling life that made you say yes, I would like to spend my life like yesterday. You have to set boundaries with alcoholics, tough ones and follow through with them. Alcoholics are a lot like adolescents and will try to get away with what they can in order to drink. I'm assumming a lot here, that your husband is a alcoholic. He may be able to moderate but most are not successful at this if they are in stage 3 or 4 from my experience. In any case sounds like ya'll should talk about the problem and not skirt around it. Just my two cents.