When do you know someone is serious about recovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
My husband went into rehab almost 11 months ago, and was there for 3 months. As far as I know, he isn't drinking, but I really try not to focus on that aspect of our relationship. What I try to focus on is setting my boundaries, my expectations for how I am treated, how we interact.
I am really trying to learn to focus on me, not him or his recovery. For the first 10 months of his recovery, I failed to truly focus on MY recovery, even though I was going to Al Anon, reading the right books, etc. I didn't get it. I was monitoring his recovery instead of my own.
As for my husband, he is in a much better place than he was a year ago, much more responsible, more open, more logical. However, he drank for a lot of years, and he has a lot of underlying issues to deal with now that he is not drinking. He is learning to interact with the world without alcohol, something he relied on for 40 years. I believe it is accurate to say that for most alcoholics, especially those who are advanced in their disease, stopping the drinking is just part of the process of becoming a happy, sober person. And for many of us who lived through it, it takes us a while to unwind the impact and the relationship dynamics which evolved through years of living with alcoholism. I am better than I was a year ago, but I am not done developing my new sense of self.
I say this because I think some people might think that if a loved one quits drinking on Day One, by Day 10 they are "normal" (whatever that might be). I believe many people - drinkers and their loved ones - will say that for them it is more complicated than that, depending on the individual and how advanced they were in their alcoholism.
I wish you the best in your journey, wherever it should take you.
I am really trying to learn to focus on me, not him or his recovery. For the first 10 months of his recovery, I failed to truly focus on MY recovery, even though I was going to Al Anon, reading the right books, etc. I didn't get it. I was monitoring his recovery instead of my own.
As for my husband, he is in a much better place than he was a year ago, much more responsible, more open, more logical. However, he drank for a lot of years, and he has a lot of underlying issues to deal with now that he is not drinking. He is learning to interact with the world without alcohol, something he relied on for 40 years. I believe it is accurate to say that for most alcoholics, especially those who are advanced in their disease, stopping the drinking is just part of the process of becoming a happy, sober person. And for many of us who lived through it, it takes us a while to unwind the impact and the relationship dynamics which evolved through years of living with alcoholism. I am better than I was a year ago, but I am not done developing my new sense of self.
I say this because I think some people might think that if a loved one quits drinking on Day One, by Day 10 they are "normal" (whatever that might be). I believe many people - drinkers and their loved ones - will say that for them it is more complicated than that, depending on the individual and how advanced they were in their alcoholism.
I wish you the best in your journey, wherever it should take you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Iamconfused, I don't think anyone can know if your H is going to stay serious in his recovery. Maybe he needs to take this road with so many relapses before he comes to the point when he can actually do it. But IMHO for now the way he's doing it, I wouldn't say he's in recovery, I'd say he's struggling with trying recovery while still drinking occasionaly.
I agree with others who say when the true recovery happens, you just know it. Everything feels different, but that is not to say, that your life together gets miracoulously sorted, it might even get harder, but regardless of that, there is that thing you can see and you know this time is different than ever before. My good friend says: when an A is serious about thier recovery he's willing to do whatever it takes. And that is something you can spot from miles away.
By what you said it doesn't sound to me like your H is there yet, but that doesn't mean he will not get there, but I'm afraid I doesn't mean that he will either.
In the meantime what are you going to do for yourself?
I'm only asking because I know how hard it is to wait for someone to get thier act together, as what happens during that time is that we are putting our own life on hold waiting for that to happen. I've spend enough number of years doing that, including every time my RAH was having tries at recovery. At some point I had enough, right about that time he has hit his rock bottom and is working his recovery now. This time everything is different, I can see he's ready to do whatever it takes, but in the same time for the first time I know it has nothing to do with me. I'm glad for him, I can see he's working hard on it today. But I can't pretend to know what might happen in days to come. I can't predict the future, but I can set my boundaries for that future. So if he relapses again, our paths are going to separate, as I don't want to spend my life waiting, I want to spend it living it.
I agree with others who say when the true recovery happens, you just know it. Everything feels different, but that is not to say, that your life together gets miracoulously sorted, it might even get harder, but regardless of that, there is that thing you can see and you know this time is different than ever before. My good friend says: when an A is serious about thier recovery he's willing to do whatever it takes. And that is something you can spot from miles away.
By what you said it doesn't sound to me like your H is there yet, but that doesn't mean he will not get there, but I'm afraid I doesn't mean that he will either.
In the meantime what are you going to do for yourself?
I'm only asking because I know how hard it is to wait for someone to get thier act together, as what happens during that time is that we are putting our own life on hold waiting for that to happen. I've spend enough number of years doing that, including every time my RAH was having tries at recovery. At some point I had enough, right about that time he has hit his rock bottom and is working his recovery now. This time everything is different, I can see he's ready to do whatever it takes, but in the same time for the first time I know it has nothing to do with me. I'm glad for him, I can see he's working hard on it today. But I can't pretend to know what might happen in days to come. I can't predict the future, but I can set my boundaries for that future. So if he relapses again, our paths are going to separate, as I don't want to spend my life waiting, I want to spend it living it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Hi Confused
What ever a relapse is part of recovery or not. He's STILL drinking.
From my experience - my RAH - was always "trying". Trying to be good, trying not to drink, trying to be nice, but never succeeding.
Every relapse or "slip" as he called it, got easier and more often.
He wasn't serious - he did not believe in his heart the truth of those meeting.
He was just pacifying me and himself.
Meeting were just something he did to keep things quiet between drinks.
As far as what you need to do for yourself all that info and knowledge is right here in these thread and posts.
But as far as your husband is concerned -
He's still a full fledged drunk, until he BELIEVES, TRULY BELIEVES and takes into his heart and soul what learns at those meeting.
Stay strong and keep coming back!
Christie
What ever a relapse is part of recovery or not. He's STILL drinking.
From my experience - my RAH - was always "trying". Trying to be good, trying not to drink, trying to be nice, but never succeeding.
Every relapse or "slip" as he called it, got easier and more often.
He wasn't serious - he did not believe in his heart the truth of those meeting.
He was just pacifying me and himself.
Meeting were just something he did to keep things quiet between drinks.
As far as what you need to do for yourself all that info and knowledge is right here in these thread and posts.
But as far as your husband is concerned -
He's still a full fledged drunk, until he BELIEVES, TRULY BELIEVES and takes into his heart and soul what learns at those meeting.
Stay strong and keep coming back!
Christie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Sorry one more
I've heard this too...
When someone wants to recover, isn't it desperation?
When Codies reach the breaking point. It's like "please make the pain stop!!" I will do anything!
No more excuses - no more BS - just tell me what I have to do. Tears are always good too.
That is what we wait to see from our Alcoholics.
Sorry to hijack :ghug3
when an A is serious about thier recovery he's willing to do whatever it takes. And that is something you can spot from miles away.
When someone wants to recover, isn't it desperation?
When Codies reach the breaking point. It's like "please make the pain stop!!" I will do anything!
No more excuses - no more BS - just tell me what I have to do. Tears are always good too.
That is what we wait to see from our Alcoholics.
Sorry to hijack :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I agree it is desperation.
And that it goes for both As and codies.
It's funny now when I think about it: how many times I've said I'm desperate, but once I actually reached that point,
boy, that was like staring at the open gates of hell,
I didn't even have enough time to say it: I'm desperate,
too busy doing whatever it takes to remove myself from that place.
Suddenly all those things I was hearing for years, but dind't resonate with me, started to make sense.
It was just like you say CrissT: no more BS, just tell me what I have to do.
And that it goes for both As and codies.
It's funny now when I think about it: how many times I've said I'm desperate, but once I actually reached that point,
boy, that was like staring at the open gates of hell,
I didn't even have enough time to say it: I'm desperate,
too busy doing whatever it takes to remove myself from that place.
Suddenly all those things I was hearing for years, but dind't resonate with me, started to make sense.
It was just like you say CrissT: no more BS, just tell me what I have to do.
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