My kids went to Alateen tonight...

Old 08-04-2010, 07:48 PM
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My kids went to Alateen tonight...

...and they liked it! My 14 yo DD said that she "talked about Dad." My 12 yo DD said she realized that there are some things that the two of them disagree on with regard to Dad. Interesting. I didn't ask for details, and they didn't share them at that time. There will be opportunities to get back to that but there was a lot happening as they were stating all of that. Tomorrow, when my 12 yo and I have some time together, we can discuss it if she wants to.

Tomorrow night is another meeting and my 14 yo is all fired up about it! The 12 yo not so much, but we'll see.

Thanks for all of your replies to my parenting thread a few days ago. I feel like I'm doing my best by giving them a place to talk if they want to--both with me and with a supportive group.

I have a long way to go in terms of finding serenity in dealing with their Dad. Today the kids told me even more information about how he subtly blames them for things that happen in HIS life, that HE has control over. I want to scream and throttle him. It's so insidious that it's easy to miss, but my 14 yo is catching on, a result of all of her pain in her relationship with him.

Send me warm thoughts, please, and continued ESH! I think my task right now is to make extra-sure that I'm not allowing any feelings I have toward their Dad's manipulation seep into my interactions with the kids. I know I need to let them learn the painful lessons about him that they need to learn, that they will be stronger for it. But damn it, it's not easy.

Hugs,
posie
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:39 PM
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That sounds very hopeful, Posie.

Everyone's experience is her own, so it isn't that surprising that the kids perceive some things differently. We all have our own filters through which we look at the world.

Even where there is no abuse or addiction or serious problem in a family, kids get angry, feel put upon, resentful, etc. The important thing is that they now have a couple of good resources--AlaTeen and you--to help them sort out their feelings and make some kind of sense out of them. Reality checks they can use.
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Old 08-05-2010, 09:38 AM
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Yay for Posie and her amazing kids! I agree that it sounds very hopeful.

A first Al-Anon or Alateen meeting is a lot to deal with. Not only were they meeting a new group, but a new group that meets solely to discuss and support members dealing with an extremely difficult subject. IMO, it was really great of you to allow them time to process it and to think of a time that you could be available to talk with them individually if they'd like to.

Sending lots of hugs and wishes for strength and peace to you and your family.
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Old 08-05-2010, 09:45 AM
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What a wonderful mother you are Posie, Grtz on the way you have handled such a difficult situation.

Lots of luck to you x
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Old 08-05-2010, 01:57 PM
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that's great news, posie. and good on you for not pressing them about the details and leaving them their own new safe place.
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Old 08-06-2010, 04:42 PM
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you are an inspiration. Thank you.
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Old 08-06-2010, 04:50 PM
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Posie, great inspiration. My mother chose to ignore my father's alcoholism and we were not ever encouraged to discuss it at home or anywhere else. Did not even know about Alateen. I wish I had, I may not be struggling with the same disease today.
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:26 PM
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Aw, all teary here...thank you for the encouragement. In all honesty I overall don't feel like I'm in the strongest of places right now, I feel worn down, so I really need the encouragement. Thank you.

My DDs went to the Alateen meeting last night and were really impressed with how friendly the kids at the meeting were. It's a much bigger meeting than the first one they went to this week. My 14 yo said right away that "the kids all seem so normal, you wouldn't know what they're dealing with!" and she wants to go back. My 12 yo, who wasn't sure she was going to go to the 2nd meeting at all, did attend with her sister and said SHE wants to go back, too! She expressed some confusion about why she's there, though, since many (most?) of the kids there have an active alcoholic parent. I shared that my experience is that when I started going to Alanon (which I thought was "because" of my relationship with my exA and I thought I could "help" by going to meetings) I realized that even though I didn't have active alcoholics as parents that I could relate to the reading and feelings shared in the meetings. My 14 yo said, "Yeah! I feel that way too!"

My 12 yo said she's thinking of talking about how she doesn't understand why she's there, but that she likes being there. Wow. Cool. I'm very proud of them for trying something new....aw, mushy sentimental posie, here...

I have chosen to not discuss the Alateen involvement with their Dad. My 14 yo said that she told him that she's attending an activity because of the alcoholism in the extended generations of the family. But interestingly, when she tells me what she chooses to share in the meetings, it's about him. I figure that none of it is mine to share, and if he has questions then no doubt he'll ask the kids. My job is to cheer them on.

For those of you with kiddos, I highly recommend a good Alateen group (ages 10-20 for many of them) if you have access to one and your kids are at least somewhat amenable to going. In the last few days we've been able to have some really great discussions based on their thoughts and feelings about the meetings, and I feel like already we have more open communications about what's REALLY going on in any given situation.

I wish I had a group when I was growing up, too, Mel--and I wish my mother had had a group, and her mother before her...how sad that the alcoholism legacy goes on.

Thank you, thank you,
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:42 PM
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Wow, I'm getting teary, myself!

I'm so proud of all three of you I can't stand it. Isn't it great to hang out with people who "get" us?
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:08 PM
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LOL LexieCat.

And yeah, it's fabulous to be with people who "get it". WOW. I've looked and waited my whole life for this. And I didn't even know that kind of understanding was missing, just knew there was SOMETHING I couldn't put my finger on...I knew it at a very early age, as I'm sure many of us did. I hope Alateen gives my kids some of that community support and understanding. I think, based on the experiences this week, that they already have a good start. Oozing gratitude here!!

I never, in a million, zillion, gazillion years, could have imagined I'd only find this support and understanding after I started being "alone", so that I could find out that I'm not lonely. Huh. Who knew???!

Hugs,
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