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decreasing the effects on our children

Old 08-04-2010, 01:16 PM
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decreasing the effects on our children

I was trying to find some research that evidenced what positive parenting steps I can take to help lessen the effects of having an alcoholic father and a mother who is exhibiting less codependent behaviours but who has been known to act like an obsessive nut when in full flow.

I found this: it's dense reading (I skipped the methods and results section) and I don't understand all the conclusions, but there are some great messages about not hiding the elephant in the room, communication, the importance of parental attachment, the importance of availability of the parents and of giving children appropriate boundaries.

all standard parenting stuff, but good to know that it can help decrease the effects of alcoholism. I also think it's great that people are looking into this.

I have felt so guilty for not being there enough for my son when he was little (consumed in trying to manage stbx's behaviour and florid post-natal depression) and the upset that this divorce is causing him, so I have been letting some behavioural boundaries slide. Transform's thread about her neighbour's child got me thinking about the disrespect that he shows me (which is frankly similar to her neighbour's child) and how I am letting it ride because he is angry with me (I am the safe parent to be angry with) but I think I need to step up and accept his expressions of anger, and right to be angry with me, whilst pointing out that the way he talks to me is not acceptable, and enforcing that. According to this report I have been perhaps doing him a dis-service by letting quite so much slide.

never easy being a parent is it?

Mediators and Moderators of Parental Alcoholism Effects on Offspring Self-Esteem -- Rangarajan 43 (4): 481 -- Alcohol and Alcoholism
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Old 08-04-2010, 01:35 PM
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I admire your honesty and self-awareness in this. Good luck with your efforts -- they can only be positive when you have your child's best interest at heart.

Parenting is never easy, but I do believe 100% that children need and crave boundaries. It is the boundaries we give them that make them feel safe, cared for, and loved. They will fight back and rebel, but that's normal. In the long run, it's worth it.

Thanks for sharing this.
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Old 08-04-2010, 01:50 PM
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No it is not and thank you so much for sharing the info. I'll be reading it over tonight.
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Old 08-04-2010, 03:21 PM
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so hard to hold boundaries when you are guilty, sad, and hanging on by a thread...good for you for stepping up and doing the hard stuff
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Old 08-04-2010, 05:45 PM
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Great post. Also, excellent example of cleaning up your own side of the street.

Separation/divorce is hard on children, even without alcoholism as an issue. I think it's okay to be a little lax--temporarily. I know me and my children had some big adjustments to make, but getting back on level ground was eventually important. Good for you for seeking balance.

L
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