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cant beleive this...

Old 10-18-2003, 07:21 AM
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cant beleive this...

Ok, it is probobaly good I couldnt get online last night, I was about to explode with anger, so it is a good thing I had to sleep on it. I dont know what to do here..

Met someone really nice about 2 months ago, we have talked on the phone every day, and been out several times, he is single and shows me alot of respect. Always very polite etc etc...needless to say, I have taken somewhat of a liking to him.

Ok, so last night we rented movies and cooked dinner at my house, its about 11 o'clock, and I get up to go to the bathroom before he is about to leave, when I come out of the bathroom and turn the corner into my kitchen/living room, he is actually standing there apearing to be going through my purse!!!!!! He stopped of coarse as soon as I came around the corner, he almost jumped as a matter of fact when he saw me, I acted like I didnt see him do that, as my heart sank 200 feet below sea level. When I walked by my purse I glanced in and saw where my wallet flap was open, I KNOW I didnt leave it that way...

So I didnt say anything, neither did he, and I somewhat hurried him off, I checked my wallett as soon as he left, nothing was missing. Was this him going to steal money from me?? Or was he going through my purse? He drinks socially, maybe a beer or two occasionally, could he have a drug problem ?

I know some of you would say why didnt i say anything to him, but I couldnt I was shocked and sickened by it, I just got a bad feeling, but then again am I overreacting? Hell I dont know....

Need you guys!
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:39 AM
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Wow Bon Bon,

That's pretty disturbing. I want to say that he violated your privacy and he can't be trusted. But the reality is that I have done the very same thing. Dating someone new, taking a peek around just to make sure they are who they say they are, basically snooping. Snooping is a bad thing in itself but questionable whether it's a dealbreaker.

Stealing your money, however.....that's a whole different ball of wax. However we don't know what he would have claimed he was doing unless you ask. Personally, that's what I would do if you want to continue seeing this person.
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:40 AM
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Hi Bonbon.

I know why you didn't say anything. It's all that anti-codie training. You have taken letting go to new heights. LOL

Well... since it just passed, he wasn't looking to see when your birthday is. That is the only good excuse I can think of to peek into someone's wallet. So to me it wouldn't matter really why. A violation of privacy would be enough for me to give him the old heave-ho, without it being a robbery. But that's the codie training, too.

I don't think you're overreacting.

HUGS!
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:54 AM
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Stephanie--I think you're disturbed. I lived with my ex for two years, have lived with men before, and I have NEVER gone through their wallets, no matter how much I was jumping off the walls in distrust.

Bonbon--why wonder if he's got a drug problem? Or a drinking problem? Who cares? He's obviously got a respect problem. My purse is boring enough for my nieces to crawl over and rip it apart but they're the only ones allowed to touch it. In a way, it's my heart. I'd rather a guy lift a $20 off my table than go through my purse.

You don't have to confront him. Just don't see him again. Just my opinion.

You do have my sympathy, I'd be throwing things in anger and frustration if I was in your shoes right now.
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Old 10-18-2003, 08:07 AM
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Bonbon,

Personally I think what he did was wrong, especially since you really don't know him well. I would feel violated and of course I probably would have said, "What the heck are you doing?", a big fight would have ensued and one of use would be in jail. Thats the scenario in my mind, not sure if it would have happened though. At this point I would be thankful that he didn't take any money, as for relationhip with him, something you need to decide if you want it to continue.


Tinyone, you must be a much better self controlled person than most of us codies. I won't even go into my snooping with my husband. He is an alcoholic/drug addict and in the beginning I snooped a lot. Wallets, nightstands, basements, etc. I don't do it too much anymore but that is not saying it wouldn't happen again. I've learned to control myself a bit but sometimes the need to know supercedes common sense.
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Old 10-18-2003, 10:05 AM
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Stephanie--I think you're disturbed.
Watch it TinyOne. Why are you here?
 
Old 10-18-2003, 10:06 AM
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Bonbon,

That's pretty spooky.

I say run.

Hugs,
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Old 10-18-2003, 02:12 PM
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Originally posted by TinyOne
Stephanie--I think you're disturbed. I lived with my ex for two years, have lived with men before, and I have NEVER gone through their wallets, no matter how much I was jumping off the walls in distrust.
Well, if I'm disturbed just because I've done done something that you would never do......I'm not too worried about it. It seems as if your judgment and social skills with regard to personal relations is a bit askew.

It would be in your best interest to leave your insults and your inappropriate behavior within your own home, and live by the rules of the society you live in. Your trashy language and mean demeanor, especially to Gone Crazy, causes others to see you only as a rude person who has no business giving her opinion to people.

Most people here, including myself, are here because of the realization that there are things that we need to work on. Coming here in the first place is an admission of that. No one wants it thrown in their face by someone whose intentions are obviously to hurt, not help.
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Old 10-18-2003, 02:37 PM
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Tiny one.. sure hope that wasn't inteaded the way it came across.

Bonbon.. definitly invasion of privacy. I know if it was me it would bug the hell out of me asking myself "why did he do it?"

I can't see the harm in asking! Perhaps he needed a tissue. Perhaps he's just a nosy moron. But if you really like the guy find out why.. he know's what he did was wrong... well I hope so anyway! If he calls again and want's to go out again I'd say " well we need to talk about the purse incident first, I have trust issues" .. see what he say's.

BTW... has he called you back? Yucky predicament!
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Old 10-18-2003, 03:32 PM
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Wait a minute. I think that snooping while dating someone new 'to get to know them better' is a problem. I totally understand being in a relationship and searching through their wallets. Two different scenarios.

I can't tell you how many hours I spent searching this apartment for Bob's bottles. It's crazy and I couldn't stop. You can't hide a bottle in a wallet.

I did spend one afternoon trying to access his various email accounts.

I checked his backpack all the time. That's how I found out he was carrying a bottle all the time. The majority of his mail from his post office box was in there.

I also had access to his checking account statements online. Since we were never hurting for money I mainly just checked it when I was out of town, or the recent time he was missing.

Can I be in the club now?? Please, please, pretty please?
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Old 10-18-2003, 03:41 PM
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Most likely he was being nosy

Such a disappointment. It could have been many things, my bet is he was just being nosy, a lot of people go through other people's medicine cabinets and all that.

But regardless of why he was doing this, it is going to hang between you. If you don't talk about it, he will always wonder if you saw, no matter if you acted like you didn't or not. You will always wonder just why he was doing this. Any reason I can think of still adds up to a lack of trust. It is the beginning of a wall between you, on both sides. That is no good.

The easiest thing would be just to write him off. Most people would write him off. If you don't want to do that, then you and he need to have an honest heart to heart. See if he owns up to it, what he says. People don't have to be perfect but trust is so important and most of us have trust issues already.

But if you don't have that much time and emotion invested yet, why bother? He has good qualities, too, but so do a lot of other people. Talk, if you want to still give it a try.
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Old 10-19-2003, 01:16 PM
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Bonbon

I've known you a long time here, and your instincts are very good (just like mine LOL). It's creepy and not normal. Step away or at least step very very cautiously.

By the way, it's great to see you.

Hugs
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Old 10-19-2003, 02:49 PM
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Here is the scenerio...a guy you practically just met is in your apartment and going through your purse behind your back. I am glad you did not confront him...you really barely know him.

I would want to know what the heck he was doing....by phone or in a public place. I made Ward show me his drivers license because I didn't believe his age...he is 4 years younger than me. I did not, however, pick his pocket!

I can't say I have run into a bigger or smellier elephant!!

Good to see you Bonbon!!

Hugs,
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Old 10-19-2003, 05:07 PM
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I said that it was disturbing that he went through her wallet.

I said I wanted to say to her that he violated her privacy etc.

I did not come out right and say that to her because I have done the very same thing and I did not want to be a hypocrite

It goes against my moral fiber, whether I am an addict or not, to preach what I have not practiced or to condemn someone of something I, myself have been guilty of.

I do think it's wrong but my codependency has lead me to be involved with many an addict and w/ me it comes with the territory.

Since I have started Alanon I have changed a great deal.
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Old 10-19-2003, 06:31 PM
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I think I could forgive a snoop if the relationship had progressed to a level where we felt there was some kind of emotional commitment or investment, but if this was a guy I didn't really know very well it would creep me right out.

And either way I think I would feel the need to discuss it openly and express my feelings of shock, disappointment, etc.
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Old 10-19-2003, 08:19 PM
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Hey guys, thank you so much for the support. I have racked my brain the past couple of days trying to make sense of things. The one thing that has me angry is that I feel like I am jumping to conclusions, I do know what he did was totally unacceptable, and I am blown away at how I automatically started wondering if he was some sort of addict underneath it all....that was about to take money from me if I wouldn't have turned the corner so quickly. Doesnt matter A or not, what he did was not right. Sure we snoop, being in a new relationship or one for 50 years, it was just not right.

And it has put a huge damper in my opinion of him. He just doesnt know it, but that one move made me take 300 steps back.
He has still called me all weekend, I will stay safely walking behind this situation for now and see what happens, take my time and trust my instincts. 1 red flag is up blowing in the wind in front of my face.... the good thing is that it wont take 10 years of my life and 10,000 of those flags to make me wake up and know what is going on right in front of me.

I love you all!!
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Old 10-20-2003, 01:13 AM
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BonBon,
Listen to your "inner voice" (your gut). If this feels/felt BAD that's you talking to you. Listen well, listen carefully. Do what's GOOD for you. Getting a "red flag" early in the game can save a lot of heartache.
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Old 10-20-2003, 04:06 AM
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Bon,

I missed the initial on-slaught of advice, but I can see that you are very wise according to your last post.

Those red flags mean NO SWIMMING not be cautious swimming!

Blessings
Constant
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