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Old 08-03-2010, 08:38 PM
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please help

I need some perspective here. I am a mess. When my husband drinks he gets very mean and verbally abusive. I got scared one night and went to a friends house and was upset. I spoke to the friend about these problems. My husband got very pissed when he found out I discussed this with the friend. He is mad at me and feels betrayed that I shared this info and feels it has ruined his reputation where we live. He left me today and said I shattered his trust for me by lying but not telling him I spoke to the friend and for stabbing him in the back by discussing his drinking. I did not mean to hurt him and I love him but I was genuinely scared and just spilled my guts in tears to the friend. I did not think ahead that it was betraying him. I am so confused that he just cannot forgive me, I mean he was wrong for getting drunk like that too. I am physically sick and miss him. I want him to come home. I don't know if he will.
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Old 08-03-2010, 08:46 PM
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You're better off if he doesn't. In fact, you would be much better off if you didn't let him come home. No one deserves abuse, whether it's physical, verbal or emotional. Don't downplay what he did!

Welcome to SR! We are here to support you, but most of us will tell it like it is. You don't need that kind of life. You deserve better. Stick around and read, read, and read some more. Post as often as you want. We can help you through this chaos.
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Old 08-03-2010, 08:55 PM
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Welcome to SR. Read everything here. You can always take him back, but please take this time to learn and understand, it is just possible you AND he have been given a great gift here. An opportunity to take a break from the madness that is alcoholism, and see what havoc it wreaks, and decide where to go from here. You are lucky he left; so many people here struggle with leaving, and getting their A's to leave...really, this is a good thing. Do not rush back...take your time. You can always get him back, if it's not today, that's ok. Really. If your love is meant to be, it will survive this. Stay here, read a lot, think about Al-Anon, it's a lifesaver. Use this time for you. What a blessing.
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Old 08-03-2010, 08:59 PM
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Welcome to the forum - I think you will find a lot of honest, caring, straight shooting support here from many folks who have been through what you are going through. You did NOTHING wrong - you went to a friend for support when you were frightened. Your husband wants you to keep his drinking and behavior a secret. We are only as sick as our secrets. He wants you to stay in that sick system and not get support so he can continue his behavior. Never be afraid or ashamed to seek help when you feel threatened. It is never the wrong choice.

What are you doing to take care of yourself while you are going through this? Have you reached out to friends again? Eating and sleeping enough? Take care of you with gentle kindness right now. We are here to support you.

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Old 08-03-2010, 09:03 PM
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I cannot get over how bad I hurt him though by telling the friend and now he says everyone is gonna think he is a mean drunkard. I said he doesn't think he could ever live here again. He calls me a backstabbing liar and I feel like a terrible person and that I made the biggest mistake of my life by hurting him this way. I really love him and did not mean it but could not think clearly at the time.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:04 PM
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Please, please read the stickies on abuse.

You sound exactly like I was when I first came here. I am almost in tears for you.
Love isn't supposed to hurt. I remember very well when someone told me that.

Before you make any decision, why don't you call a domestic abuse center in your area.
They will give you so much help sorting this out.
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR TALKING WITH YOUR FRIEND ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND SITUATION
He has betrayed you by treating you this way.

This blaming thing is crazymaking and both abuse and alcoholism only get worse. Really.

You can heal and love some one who treats you like a queen all the time...not just when it is make up time.

hugs
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:07 PM
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He IS a mean drunkard! Sounds like he has brow-beaten you down so far that you can only see what hurts HIM and don't see what is hurting YOU. That is not love. That is control. He is using guilt to attempt to control you. You are better than that. If he doesn't want this stuff to get out, then he shouldn't be doing this stuff. See what I mean?
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:13 PM
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You were absolutely right to confide in someone about what you have been going through. He made his choices to behave the way he has. You are not at all obligated to keep it a secret.
Take care of YOU! Most important thing in the world.
Alcoholics are the masters of manipulation. They can make you think you are the crazy one. You have come to the right place. WE are not crazy. We need only to create some distance from the alcoholics in our lives to regain our precious sanity. I pray for you to do just that.
There is so much support and wisdom here. Stay...keep reading, keep posting, we are all here for you.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:19 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

verbal/emotional abuse puts near permanent scars on your heart and brain.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:22 PM
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Alcoholism and abuse are two separate issues. I could not sort out the two....and how to cope without specialized (free) counseling.
If we respond as if it were only alcoholism...that can make the abuse worse.

Being frightened were your healthy instincts kicking in!
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:25 PM
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I don't have a whole lot to add other than to encourage you to read more and stick around. You have already identified the verbal abuse going on... abuse is abuse, and no one should have to put up with it.

Take a deep breath, and take a minute to reflect in the calm from him being gone. (He'll be back.) And he says he can't forgive you? I'm wondering why you'd forgive him! He said awful, mean, horrible things to you. Probably called you all sorts of bad things. Putting you through that was far worse than your supposed "betrayal."

Be strong. You deserve better. Pour it out here if you want - you are anonymous... but chances are, we know your story better than you imagine. You aren't alone.

(Just be careful - if he's one of those guys who snoops and follows you online, you might consider deleting your cookies/browser history when you're done here...)
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:31 PM
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Quoted:(( I cannot get over how bad I hurt him though by telling the friend and now he says everyone is gonna think he is a mean drunkard. I said he doesn't think he could ever live here again. He calls me a backstabbing liar and I feel like a terrible person and that I made the biggest mistake of my life by hurting him this way. I really love him and did not mean it but could not think clearly at the time. )))

Well my dear, hurting girl.....this man you love has sure done a good job of dumping on you. NOT the actions of a loving or caring husband, but then he can hand out drunken and abusive comments, while you must just take this and do nothing.

He IS a mean, abusive, controlling and uncaring, drunk who betrayed his marriage vows when he first treated you to drunken abuse.

He doesn't want to live in the town because WHY? Because he knows that someone else now knows he drinks, and this shows that he knows HE HAS a PROBLEM with DRINK because he wants his drinking to stay a secret.

Nor does he care that he is offensive, mean and abusive to you, or that he causes you any worry or pain, because he is too busy thinking of himself and drinking.

YOU have the right to talk to someone if you need to,
the right to disclose your fears and feelings when you have them,
the right not to be made to endure and stay dumb about what has upset you.

Please read all you can here, and if possible go to Alanon, for face to face support.

Non of this is your fault, it comes from him drinking to excess, his actions when drunk and his refusal to accept responsibility for it all, by dumping the blame on you.

I would also not be surprised if he wasn't hiding other reasons for his paranoid actions and extreme anger.
Personally, if he were mine...I wouldn't want him back or have him back.

God bless
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:44 PM
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Firstly welcome to the site - which you have found because his drinking problem is not just a minor annoyance - its a big enough problem to search out this site and post a thread.

I have been married to an AH for 22 years, who can also be a mean, cruel drunk. He emotionally abuses me by telling me that I am boring, I dont wash enough and I am lazy (amongst other things). He always tells me these things when he is drunk and I 'challenge' him about his drinking. Thats what alcoholics do to defend their drinking, they take the focus off themselves and attack you. When my husband is sober, he tells me he loves me, I am his sole mate and he wants to spend his life with me. He obviously wants to spend his life with a boring, smelly, lazy wife!

Originally Posted by user1234 View Post
everyone is going to think he is a mean drunkard. .
I totally agree with Suki, he is a mean drunkard. He is also pulling out his 'Ace' trump card and making you feel guilty for HIS bad behaviour! Who is everyone anyway - your best friend. Thats what best friends are - you confide in each other about good and bad.

and that I made the biggest mistake of my life by hurting him this way.
Believe me, you havent hurt him at all, you have threatened his drinking to the point whereby he has had to use this 'line' to completely take the focus off himself. And its worked now hasnt it! and if you let it work, then he knows he can use this tactic again as he knows how much this has hurt you.

Please, keep reading and learning about problem drinking/alcoholism and verbal abuse as it is insidious and will take you under with it, if you let it. Try to find an Al-anon meeting close by, therapy, anything to educate yourself on the subject, so that you can make suitable choices for YOU and YOUR future either with, or without him. And, dont let him 'bully' you into not seeking out help either with this 'I want to keep it secret' game.

I tell everyone (who enquires) about my AH, my best friend knows, my mum knows, my family knows, my adult daughters know, I go to Al-anon and he knows about this too and he is still married and living with me and still drinking!
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:52 PM
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Hi 1234 and welcome.

I'm sorry that you're hurting right now - but I think that a break from your husband is a good thing. You write that when he drinks he gets mean and verbally abusive - yet he's worried that people now "think he is a mean drunkard." He is, by definition, a mean drunkard. Abuse is never okay - drunk or sober - and what he's doing is punishing you for his shortcomings. It's okay for him to abuse scare you - not okay for you to tell a friend about it and seek support? That isn't fair - and it's how the cycle of abuse feeds itself.

I'm certain that he'll be back - as long as you promise to keep taking the abuse and you commit to never telling anyone about it or seeking help for yourself. If you can get past the initial shock of his leaving and find a safe, peaceful place of perspective for yourself - you can decide whether that's what -you- want for yourself. His leaving right now is a gift.

Hugs,

SL.
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Old 08-03-2010, 10:22 PM
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Your scared, he’s drunk, very mean and verbally abusive, thankfully you have a friend that listened…. Poor thing you shattered his trust by telling a friend, betrayed him, ruined his reputation… Aren’t men clever? He tricked you into thinking you’re the bad guy here….He might not ever forgive you and you are physically sick and miss this man that treated you like crap. Shouldn’t he be the one that is sorry? He could have accidently killed you! You need to keep records of his behavior you might be speaking from the dead one day thru your diary or your good friend. Oh, I can bet he will promise this will never happen again and you may promise you will never tell, and this cycle will go on until he sucks the life out of you. I know you love him…. And I can bet he’s this way cause someone treated him bad when he was a little boy and your life’s mission is to save him... or maybe you have children and they need their father and you need to teach them this is how fathers act, this is normal and love is suppose to hurt. Maybe you feel no one else can love you or maybe you feel you deserve a man like this and it’s better than no man at all, your not good enough… maybe something happened to you as a child and you feel you deserve more pain, you can’t get enough of it. Well, I am here to tell you, you are beautiful, your heart belongs to a man that appreciates you. You know this is not normal and you know you deserve better. Don’t let him blame the alcohol, he sounds like one of those men that blames everyone but himself. I wish for you to choose the right thing to do.
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Old 08-03-2010, 11:40 PM
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Let me tell you something: your husband IS a mean, abusive drunkard. And that shame, by the way, is HIS, not yours. This is why he doesn't want you speaking your truth--but you have a RIGHT and a responsibility to yourself to tell your truth and get whatever support you need in order to get stronger. And the truth is, his choices ARE hurting you. His abusive tirades ARE hurting you.

He has made you fell unloved and unsafe in your own home. These are not loving actions. And instead of feeling remorse at how his behaviour made you feel, he lays on a heavy dose of manipulation and guilt. Oh, the love affair between an alcoholic and his bottle! Utter, utter selfishness.

I hope this is the start of your journey to freedom. Your precious life was not given to you so that it could be wasted in servitude to a manipulative, self-serving abusive drunk. You were put here for much better things, I can assure you.
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Old 08-04-2010, 05:26 AM
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HI,

I don't know your story, but if he is an alcoholic, then he is playing you. They blame others so they don't have to deal with their drinking problem.

Please read the stickies at the top of the forum.

You cannot control, cure and did not cause his drinking.

He got what he wanted, you are now off his back about his drinking problem and YOU feel guilty. Don't. He is the alcoholic. You telling your friend is YOUR business, not his. He is trying to control you by stopping you.

Hugs
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:15 AM
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I really hope you'll stick around here and educate yourself of disease of A as much as you can.
I find your post really triggering, and there is so much I'd like to say, but I can see you're feeling really fragile, and I don't want you to missinterpret my words (or interpret them corectly ) to hurt you even more.
Alcoholism is a disease (the one you can not cure, or minimize, or make any better). If there is a manual for As your AH behaviour would be on the top of the list. He is blame shifting, and if you take that blame, you're not helping him (but enabling), and you're certainly not helping yourself.
He feels betrayed, fair enough, he's intitled to feel any way he choses, but HOW ABOUT YOU? Don't you feel betrayed too?
I'd like to ask you to ask yourself Why do you miss him?
Is it because you enjoy being with him or because you're afraid of unknown?

And as for love, it is possible to love from the distance too.
Like I just love white tiggers, I find them to be most facinating animals, so beautiful. But I'm not bringing one to my home to live with me, for the simple reason it might eat me.
I know this is stupid analogy, but my point is love shouldn't rule over common sense.

I hate to see you hurt like this, I guess I feel triggered because I've let my RAH to manipulate me in the same way so many times in the past. I really hope you're going to change this situation for yourself, and start enjoying your precious life.

take care and stick around, and yes, WELLCOME
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:41 AM
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Unfortunately, he WILL be back. In the meantime, please get yourself to an Al-anon meeting. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by user1234 View Post
I need some perspective here. I am a mess. When my husband drinks he gets very mean and verbally abusive. I got scared one night and went to a friends house and was upset. I spoke to the friend about these problems. My husband got very pissed when he found out I discussed this with the friend. He is mad at me and feels betrayed that I shared this info and feels it has ruined his reputation where we live. He left me today and said I shattered his trust for me by lying but not telling him I spoke to the friend and for stabbing him in the back by discussing his drinking. I did not mean to hurt him and I love him but I was genuinely scared and just spilled my guts in tears to the friend. I did not think ahead that it was betraying him. I am so confused that he just cannot forgive me, I mean he was wrong for getting drunk like that too. I am physically sick and miss him. I want him to come home. I don't know if he will.
So sry that you have these troubles hun, you seem like a really nice caring person. This is more than I can say for your husband much as it saddens me to say so. He has managed to manipulate you into thinking everything is your fault. "He feels betrayed that you discussed this with a friend," do you not think that it is you that has been betrayed by him for mentally abusing you. "He cannot forgive you", well, does he think that you should just forgive his abuse and for scaring you like that. He needs to stop distributing the blame onto you and take responsibility for what he has done.

Darling, pls do not beg him to come back, you can use this incident to make things a whole let better by waiting for HIM to realise he will not manage without you out there on his own for sure. Let him beg you to come back and then you can set some very firm ground rules which will need to include him confronting his alcohol abuse and the abuse he doles out to you.

I know you love him and that it is hard, but he also knows you love him and instead of cherishing that love like it deserves to be he is using it as an instrument to get his own way and get away with bad behaviour.

I hope you can do some straight thinking on this and reach a happy conclusion.

God bless
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