Don't even start hoping...

Old 08-03-2010, 05:57 PM
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Don't even start hoping...


Ugh... so I've been missing AH a LOT lately. We've had very, very, very little contact the past few months - weeks with NC. We have emailed a little in the past 2 weeks and I saw him very briefly. He asked me to call him today and I did. He was sober (on his day off!) and sounded healthy and of course knew exactly what to say. Told me he found a new apt. (his lease is up at the end of the month), that he misses me, that he's been thinking about the holidays and that he would like me to be around for them, that he wants to make our marriage work, that he wants to call xy treatment center and make an appointment, that he knows he needs to proof all of what he's saying to me, but wanted to let me know how he feels, and he asked if I was up for going to counseling with him and if he could see me again soon. It all sounded soo good, BUT I have to remember that I will not just run back to him because of a promise, that words don't count, that I will take my time and wait to see what happens, before I even start seeing that glimmer of hope!!!! ODAT!

I told him I can't promise him anything right now, but that I would be willing to see a counselor with him IF he makes all the arrangements. And now I gotta put all of it out of my mind again and focus on something else, so that I won't start fantasizing! Just wanted to get this out ... thanks for listening
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:02 PM
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Words aren't worth spit! Sorry, but you know that's true. You can do what you want, but if it were me, there is no way I would go to counseling with him until he had already called xy treatment center and gone through the program, completely, and then maintained at the very least 6 months of total sobriety. Then, I might give some thought to attending counseling.

They are so good at saying the right things and pulling on those heart strings. Well, the proof is in the pudding and until I actually saw him making a large effort and then following through, I wouldn't agree to anything.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:07 PM
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I've been divorced for several months from my XAH. It was the right thing for me. He's still drinking...wants to get back together...not a chance. I do miss him and see him some but I do not want to get sucked back into the drama of his addiction.

Back when we went to counseling we were told that we should go to marriage counseling after he was sober for a year. Of course that year never came.

You can support his recovery without living with him. Good luck to you.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:34 PM
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Just take things one day at a time, and stick close to this forum, Lotus. You don't need to risk undoing all that has been done for your serenity.

Wishin you the best, to keep your feet firmly on the ground.
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Old 08-03-2010, 07:25 PM
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Lucky for you, the holidays are a long way off.
I hate to say this, but when my my XABF started on his recovery, I thought 90 days, that should be good. Well it's 6 months, and I've got to say, honestly, I need more time, he needs more time. He's not drinking, he's going to meetings, he has a sponsor, but boy that alcoholic behavior hangs on. It's hard, there is still manipulation, and anger and resentment, not at me, yet...but take your time...lots and lots of it. You have nothing to lose by taking your time and seeing what he does, more than what he says. And you have everything to lose by rushing in. Right?
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Old 08-04-2010, 08:45 AM
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How long has he been sober?

Last edited by nodaybut2day; 08-04-2010 at 08:49 AM. Reason: stupid grammar
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Old 08-04-2010, 03:21 PM
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If he has been sober for 6 months, then I feel that marriage counseling can be beneficial. Make sure it is someone that has a good knowledge not just on the marriage relationship but on addictions. A year ago I told my husband he had to have 3 months sobriety before he could comee home and our counselor thought that was too harsh and should let him come home. What an idiot! My husband actually stood up for my decision to the counselor. I couldn't believe he didn't get that I was trying to set some boundries. During that time AH actually made it 6 months but here we are again - separated. Stay strong and try to avoid the fantasizing and only look at the reality that is in front of you today.
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Old 08-04-2010, 05:45 PM
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Thank you all for your replies.

I am by no means thinking of moving back in with him ... He's not sober as of now (at least as far as I know - like I said we've had very little contact) and is just now making the first steps in the right direction... He made an appt. at an outpatient treatment center for friday (his last attempt at the same center didn't turn out so well, so I'm not holding my breath). I've told myself he'd have to be 6-12 months sober before I'd even consider moving in with him again and even then only if it feels right. My concern was that I don't want to start getting my hopes up again and that I'm not sure if I should stick to NC until he's been sober for at least a couple of months

Right now, I think I'm gonna keep my distance.... and wait to see if his talk about getting and staying sober is more than just talk. He's got lots and lots and lots to prove. I have every intention of taking things very, very slow and as of now don't know if we'll ever get back together (who knows what will happen).

Interesting that everyone is saying he should be sober for at least 6-12 months before they'd consider marriage counseling. Though what you're saying does make A LOT of sense, I don't think I would shut him down right now if he did try (at the very least it might help me tie some of those lose ends toghether). BUT again, who knows if the whole couple's therapy is even gonna happen - he has a track record of making promises he doesn't keep and I for sure won't drag him out to therapy anymore.

Thanks again ... it's always sooo helpful to read what other's have experienced and to get some ES&H!!!
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Old 08-04-2010, 05:50 PM
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In my opinion, and most reputable therapists agree, recovery should come first. Couples counseling would probably be unproductive until both individuals have some months of recovery to start from. It just makes sense that you can't heal the relationship until the individuals have committed to healing themselves, and backed it up with some effort.

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Old 08-04-2010, 06:05 PM
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If you do want to start hoping, think of it in these terms: you're on an extended vacation. You work on Lotus. He works on himself. That way there's no way you can lose, because you'll keep getting stronger and stronger. All these rules, the dreams of the holidays, the how long you have to be sober before stuff, that's all in the future. Before you know it, the future has arrived and if you've been doing your best to prepare for it, life is beautiful. Not because of who you're with, but because of who you are.
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:06 PM
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I have heard the same as LTD.

Both parties need recovery before any attempt at couples counseling is productive. Otherwise it is just two broken people trying to be fixed together and we all know that doesn't work.
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:40 PM
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Well hang in there... I always wish I could say something really wise when I post. But to be honest I feel as if the addicts in my life just suck out all the brain power. I don't answer when my AH husband calls. My heart pounds, I break into a sweat as I look at the caller ID. This might seem crazy. But if I answer I know he'll say something... that can keep me stewing for weeks. It's better just not to hear it. He's not in recovery. And even if he was...

I'm an adult child of alcoholic parents. Even when the drinking isn't going on I still deal with them blaming me for things I didn't do. (don't do). Family drama. It just keeps going. Is this really something I want in my every day life with the man I'm married to? My kids are almost ready to move out. Is this what I want them to see? I'm just not sure there is such a thing as "healthy" with these type of people. Maybe I can get myself as healthy as possible and my kids. My family and my husband and his family. Well it might seem mean... but they can just fend for themselves...

This was just food for thought... I wasn't telling you what to do. I've been trying to live a more healthy life and each time I get 'drug' back by those who don't want recovery; I'm more determined that I need to place more distance between myself and them.

Hugs and wishing you and your family the best!
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Old 08-04-2010, 07:36 PM
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I went to couples therapy with my xabf. It only gave him new ways to manipulate me because he was active in his disease. Let him start working a program for real, then consider your options.
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