Divorce draggggging out...

Old 08-03-2010, 05:48 PM
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Divorce draggggging out...

Hi all,

Just briefly need to vent. Overall, I shouldn't complain. But I'm annoyed.

I filed for divorce March 1st. It took them 3 weeks to get him served (he's out of state now) and he waited until the last day to get a lawyer and respond.

Long story short, we just got rescheduled for mediation for OCTOBER! And it's the end of October, too. Not early, not middle, end.

Am I wrong in thinking that it should me moving along a little quicker? Or is that normal people? (I've never done this before.) My lawyer and I agree that since he is still in such denial, mediation would probably better than going to court... it's just taking forever. We were initially scheduled for Aug 23rd, but there was a problem with the mediator, and his lawyer took forever to get back to her.

I just want to get on with the rest of my life. I mean, I am, but this bit is sort of a problem. And I'd really wanted it dealt with ages ago. I'm NC with him for my own sanity, but I have half a mind to email him with an offer and feel him out. Probably not the best move, but I do hold a lot of cards. I relisted the "extra house" today... again... with another price drop. That's also grating on my nerves. I'm not willing to destroy my credit to get rid of it, but it's a strain.

In a somewhat passive-aggressive move, I have decided I am not going to pay on his student loans anymore. They somewhat predate the marriage anyway, and I paid extra so they're paid ahead for quite some time. I'll let him know that since I'm helping support him (I write his mom a check every month), he can pay them now. Makes me feel a little better. I just wish I could get this stupid house sold, (And I'm losing a ton on it, but want it gone), and get this stupid divorce over so I can get my old name back legally and de-hyphenate. I've used my maiden name professionally the whole time, so it's not that big a deal, but mentally... it's a big deal.

Sorry, just needed to vent.
D
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Old 08-03-2010, 05:51 PM
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I'm NC with him for my own sanity, but I have half a mind to email him with an offer and feel him out. Probably not the best move, but I do hold a lot of cards.

No, no, no!! Talk to your lawyer about it first. Any offer of settlement should come from your lawyer to his lawyer. Once you have counsel, you should not be in direct contact with him. It could cause problems.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:27 PM
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I definatley would not contact him. You went no contact for a reason and if you go back to dealing with him directly then you will get more of the same or worse. It is so hard to be patient but I would try and stick it out. Anything you do should go thru a lawyer. Stay strong. :ghug3
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:30 PM
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Sending support and encouragement your way, DMC.

I agree with the first two posters - just sit tight. Soon this really will be behind you.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:52 PM
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Yeah, despite what I want to do, I am just sitting tight... but it's annoying and awfully hard to do when you're a totally proactive kind of person. I just want it over with!!!

(Thanks for letting me vent.) AARG!!!
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:10 AM
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Be patient. I know it is hard to do when you youself are a "get it done" kind of person!

My divorce took 2 years!
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:15 AM
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Yes, court takes longer. Worse, it is THE JUDGE who decides what happens to your assets. If you can go mediation, it's cheaper and quicker and a lot less painful. IMO, the question is, what is more important to you, money or peace of mind? Even when it feels "unfair," IMO, it is better to give in and be generous than it is to drag it out and fight. I wish my BF would have listened when I told him this. He didn't and got a worse deal than if he had just given in, in the beginning, instead of wanting justice for all the wrongs he "suffered" by his XAW.

p.s. The lawyer is there to protect your assets as much as possible. Not to work miracles or get you justice.
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Old 08-04-2010, 06:59 AM
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Mine is draaaaging out also. Seems to be the way it goes.
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Old 08-04-2010, 10:06 AM
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Dragging out seems to be the norm. Started the process in Nov. 2009, took 5 months to even serve STBXW, so hang in there.

By the way, you probably should stop paying on his student loans. Unless, directed by a court order, that is his debt, his problem. (I know that is easier said than done and I have issue with that at times, but it is a matter of facing reality of the situation).
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Old 08-04-2010, 10:06 AM
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DMC stbxah was served almost a year ago. He and his atty. have dragged their feet EVERY step of the way. I too just want it to be over. We could not even set a mediation date until he coughed up his $75--which he did not do for over 2 months after the judge ordered us into mediation.

Now he paid and they sent a list of names and of course they will not compromise. It was classic. My atty. sent an email saying which attorneys would be a conflict (I used to work in the criminal justice system as an investigator and worked with many attorneys). Then she forwarded 2 attorneys names. stbxah's husband did--just guess. . .he sent back an email with all the attorneys we did not pick. A**. It is just another stall tactic.

Why are you paying his student loans? That is not passive-aggressive to stop paying them. That is saying, here--these are yours to pay. Not mine.

We took a huge bath on the house--but at least it sold and we did not come out of it backward.

When in mediation I will do my best to just get it over with without giving away everything. I just want it to be over too. I just emailed my atty. and asked her what we could do to light a fire under them. He also owes back child support so perhaps a contempt hearing will be on the horizon. Every step I take to push forward costs me a fortune in legal fees.

I feel ill now knowing we are just selecting the mediator and to think this could go on for more than a couple more months makes me see red.

Do you have any status conference dates coming up after mediation? If so perhaps your attorney could set this as the tentative final hearing date.

Big hugs DMC--once you finally decide to move on it takes forever to do so. But hopefully once it is over you can put it all behind you and move forward.

. . .and really, stop paying his student loans!
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Old 08-04-2010, 11:10 AM
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His loans were set up to direct debit, so it was relatively easy to overlook. But I put a stop-payment on them yesterday. (I always paid all the bills and managed the money, and it was easier to set it up that way.)

I had actually figured that I might use his loans as a bargaining chip in the divorce... and my lawyer suggested I just keep paying his mother and the loans - but if it's just going to drag out, I will put it back on him.

Thanks for the reassurance that this is usually the way it goes. At least we are scheduled with a really good mediator - the one my lawyer wanted, who she says will really push for a settlement.

One day at a time...
Maybe the house will sell before the market gets worse... Ug.
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Old 08-04-2010, 11:30 AM
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At least interest rates are down. If you are going to use the money to buy another house. . .well the price of that house will be down too. That was the only thing that kept me from blowing steam out of my ears because we had refinanced the house the year before I filed to roll in all the debt accrued since stbxah was paying bills with credit card checks! See, he is an idiot.

Hope the house sells TODAY and that you are far from upside down when it is sold.

Fantastic that you have a great mediator. YAY!
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Old 08-04-2010, 11:40 AM
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I don't need another house! We moved out of that one over 2 years ago, and I haven't been able to sell it this whole time. I stupidly (heh) put his name on the title of the present house (Mr No Income didn't factor into the loan), and now I'm going to have to refinance it to get his name off.

Anyway, I rented the extra house for awhile, but being a landlord just meant I wasn't loosing *as much* money. I will probably have to take out a loan to get rid of that house, but it's worth it. Oh well. And yes, I'm happy about the mediator. Even though it still leaves me in limbo, it's a sign that it will be over eventually. Ug.

You know, I really want to ship his stuff to him, but only want to do it once - I want my garage back! (I will re-consolidate it all again into a new pile. That will make me feel better.)

I think I just need to stomp around some. That will help too. It's just so blasted hot outside, I can't spend much time out in the garage reorganizing.
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Old 08-04-2010, 11:53 AM
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You know, I really want to ship his stuff to him, but only want to do it once - I want my garage back! (I will re-consolidate it all again into a new pile. That will make me feel better.)

Somthing that has been suggested here before. If they have stuff at your place that they just won't come and get, you can always take it to a self-storage facility, pay the first month's rent and then send the key to your husband. That way, it's out of your hair and somewhere safe, he has the key and he can decide whether or not the stuff is important enough to keep up the storage payments. All you are out is the first month's rent. Anyway, it's just something to think about.
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Old 08-04-2010, 12:10 PM
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He's halfway across the country, living at his parent's house. Just coming to get it really isn't an option. Now, if he has to come down for mediation, then maybe they'll load up a truck and take it back. There are some pieces of furniture that are family pieces, and I have plenty of space, it's just psychological.

I had planned to ship it all to him in one fell swoop, using a moving pod or maybe ABF. But I only want to do it once, and if there's big stuff he gets in the divorce (tractor, etc), it will need to go with everything else.

Don't get me wrong, I'm SO glad he can't just show up here.
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Old 08-04-2010, 12:29 PM
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I know you want to get rid of his stuff--but why are you always paying? You also said something about paying his mom?? I guess I am confused why you are getting saddled with all the paying and he is doing nothing.

When stbxah would not get his stuff out of my house (because I was dumb enough to believe him when he said he would--so I put some of his stuff in my POD)-- I called my atty. and let him (first atty.) know I wanted stbxah to make arrangements for his stuff to be removed from my house and if he did not make arrangement within a 30 day period, that at the end of that 30 day period the stuff became mine to do whatever I wanted to. This was because, like with everything with him, he likes to drag his feet. Last weekend I had a garage sale. I sent him an email that said I still have A, B, C--if you want it come and get it. If not it goes in the garage sale and the proceeds go to me. He asked me if I would sell it for him. The answer was no. I'm not your broker. Amazing. He came the next day and got it. But he does not live halfway across the country.

So, speaking of PODs. They store those things ANYWHERE. I would not pay for it--but I don't have a lot of spare cash and also stbxah was living the life of Riley for 2 years while I worked 2 jobs. It's time for him to be a grown up and that means taking responsibility for things associated with him that require payment. There are lots of self storage options.

I understand the psychological thing about having their stuff in your house. Hopefully you can get rid of it soon.
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