How much to share with the kids
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
How much to share with the kids
I have 3 kids, dd #1 is almost 17, dd #2 14 1/2,and ds is 13. Ah left us in march to go live with his mommy. Has been sending support, but lilkes to send it late, and this month shorted us almost 500.00.
We both have lawyers and he has agreed to a certain amount until the divorce is finalized.
He is all about HIS money, it is his God. He has been gripping that he gives us almost all his check. Well , duh, he doesn't have any expenses.
Anyway, what all should I tell the kids? I don't want to run him down to them, but my ds especialy still thinks he hung the moon. The girls are on to him, don't talk to him much at all.
Should I just keep them aware of his behavioir in a casual sort of way? So that ds knows that his dad is not the great guy that he thought he was, so he is not in danger of following his footsteps? Thats what worries me the most. I just want them to be aware of the truth, without all the anger behind it. That I will keep to myself.Trying to anyway.
Thanks for any input.H
We both have lawyers and he has agreed to a certain amount until the divorce is finalized. He is all about HIS money, it is his God. He has been gripping that he gives us almost all his check. Well , duh, he doesn't have any expenses.
Anyway, what all should I tell the kids? I don't want to run him down to them, but my ds especialy still thinks he hung the moon. The girls are on to him, don't talk to him much at all.
Should I just keep them aware of his behavioir in a casual sort of way? So that ds knows that his dad is not the great guy that he thought he was, so he is not in danger of following his footsteps? Thats what worries me the most. I just want them to be aware of the truth, without all the anger behind it. That I will keep to myself.Trying to anyway.
Thanks for any input.H
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I see no reason to spell out your husbands bad qualities to them. If your son still thinks his dad hung the moon, so what? In time, he'll learn the truth. I never badmouthed my daughter's dad, but she could see for herself what a jerk he is. Not that that made me happy, it just was what it was. I wouldn't tell the kids any more than they need to know, but if they ask why y'all are eating navy beans for two weeks in a row, I'd tell them it's because dad is late again with the child support. That's not badmouthing, that's just the truth.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Oh man I can so relate. To this day my exH is late with ANY and EVERYTHING! Child support? Meeting DSons for something, for the start of the soccer game, award event, graduation? You name it. Sucks.
Getting a flexible part time (at first) job was the only real solution for me. Then I wasn't sinking or swimming based on exH's behavior - one of the reasons I left him in the first place!
When the kids were small I just did anything that I could squeeze into a workable schedule. I let everyone know I was looking for ways to make money and once I put it out there things came my way. Financial survival was still a struggle, but it really became MY struggle with myself, which was so much better for my mental health.
I answered questions from my children with a simple "We can't afford it right now." Both of my kids started working in high school and are excellent savers and budgeters btw.
peace-
B
Getting a flexible part time (at first) job was the only real solution for me. Then I wasn't sinking or swimming based on exH's behavior - one of the reasons I left him in the first place!
When the kids were small I just did anything that I could squeeze into a workable schedule. I let everyone know I was looking for ways to make money and once I put it out there things came my way. Financial survival was still a struggle, but it really became MY struggle with myself, which was so much better for my mental health.
I answered questions from my children with a simple "We can't afford it right now." Both of my kids started working in high school and are excellent savers and budgeters btw.
peace-
B
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi there, H,
I think your DS will figure it out when he's ready...keep an open communication channel with him and he'll let you know when it all begins to dawn on him.
What I find helpful for my kids is when I start my sentences, "My experience when talking with your father is ________________," or "This has been helpful to me in my interactions with your Dad...." etc. That way, it's about you and your interactions with him, without assuming that their interactions/relationship is exactly the same. It also allows for the possibility that he'll do things a little differently with your kids, however slim that possibility may be.
Hope that helps, sending you hugs~
posie
I think your DS will figure it out when he's ready...keep an open communication channel with him and he'll let you know when it all begins to dawn on him.
What I find helpful for my kids is when I start my sentences, "My experience when talking with your father is ________________," or "This has been helpful to me in my interactions with your Dad...." etc. That way, it's about you and your interactions with him, without assuming that their interactions/relationship is exactly the same. It also allows for the possibility that he'll do things a little differently with your kids, however slim that possibility may be.
Hope that helps, sending you hugs~
posie
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Please do not badmouth a person to their children. Children get their identity from their parents. When someone badmouths a parent to their child, it feels to the child as though you are badmouthing THEM. Not only that, if you start badmouthing HIM to them, he is going to hear it from them and turn and do the same thing and badmouth YOU. Putting the children in the middle of your cr*p like that is not fair. That is my opinion.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
My children were 6, 3, and 3 months old when my XAH left. I made the decision to never badmouth him to them. I stuck to it, knowing that eventually they would see the truth for themselves.
They are now 17, 14, and 11, and yes, they have figured him out. We talk about their frustrations and confusion over him, sometimes often, but only when they bring it up, or when I can see that something is bothering them.
They are his children and they deserve to have the best relationship possible with him, so I try to respect that and stay objective. He is their dad and they do love him.
They are now 17, 14, and 11, and yes, they have figured him out. We talk about their frustrations and confusion over him, sometimes often, but only when they bring it up, or when I can see that something is bothering them.
They are his children and they deserve to have the best relationship possible with him, so I try to respect that and stay objective. He is their dad and they do love him.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Please do not badmouth a person to their children. Children get their identity from their parents. When someone badmouths a parent to their child, it feels to the child as though you are badmouthing THEM. Not only that, if you start badmouthing HIM to them, he is going to hear it from them and turn and do the same thing and badmouth YOU. Putting the children in the middle of your cr*p like that is not fair. That is my opinion.
thanks, but I don't do this, usually. Not to say I never have slipped and called him a jerk a time or two. But I do not make it a practise to sit and run him down, as hard as it is. I appreciate your opinion.H
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
Thanks everyone for the good words. Its a hard line to tow, what to say to my ds. I think he did figure it out finally, since I had to tell them that we were short this month. My dd #2 actually got on facebook and told him that we were barely making it already, and then he does that. He put the money in the account after that.
H
H
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Can you make arrangements so he pays his child support directly to the child support agency and they direct deposit it into your bank account? This is what I do. stbxah was working his rear end off to get me to allow him to send it to me directly. NO WAY! If it is sent via the child support agency there is a very nice record kept of all the payments made and not made--so they know how much back child support is due and there is no need for you to prove he did not pay his support. In my state once they are up to 3 months in arrears you can file contempt charges to force them to pay. Child support can do tax intercepts (if he has anything to intercept) as well as garnish his wages (if he has any of those). It prevents the annoying where is the child support this month battles.
As for telling the kids-it is hard but take the high road. Eventually they will figure it out. Your son is 13--he will probably gravitate toward his dad just because at a certain age boys would rather be with their dad than their mom (even if they are horrible fathers). However, I would venture a guess the DS knows who to go to when he needs help and I would guess that is you. Try to keep the kids as far away from the mess as possible but be available to provide the TLC they need when they need to vent.
As for telling the kids-it is hard but take the high road. Eventually they will figure it out. Your son is 13--he will probably gravitate toward his dad just because at a certain age boys would rather be with their dad than their mom (even if they are horrible fathers). However, I would venture a guess the DS knows who to go to when he needs help and I would guess that is you. Try to keep the kids as far away from the mess as possible but be available to provide the TLC they need when they need to vent.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I agree 100% with W2K. It has become mandatory in Texas that the child support go through the county offices where they record the payment and forward it on to the payee. That way, there is no question as to what has been paid.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
When my xah first went into treatment, and then we separated after that, I spoke with the kids about alcoholism and how sometimes a person that is alcoholic may act erratic but it does not reflect on them, their worth, and the love they share. I said that in kid speak of course - my kids are younger.
I do not share with them issues of child support, our communication, my relationship with him, or anything like that. If they were to ask me directly about child support I would tell them the truth, in a gentle way and just the facts.
I want my kids to have a good relationship/self image when it comes to them and their dad. It is such a big part of a child's identity. I'm fine with them thinking he hung the moon. If he behaves in a way to maintain that throughout their childhood, well then good. Good for my kids even if he does behave like a loser behind the scenes. They are smart. They are going to figure it out without any help from me.
I do not share with them issues of child support, our communication, my relationship with him, or anything like that. If they were to ask me directly about child support I would tell them the truth, in a gentle way and just the facts.
I want my kids to have a good relationship/self image when it comes to them and their dad. It is such a big part of a child's identity. I'm fine with them thinking he hung the moon. If he behaves in a way to maintain that throughout their childhood, well then good. Good for my kids even if he does behave like a loser behind the scenes. They are smart. They are going to figure it out without any help from me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
W2K and Suki are right on about this. Everything is documented this way. My child support has been a direct deposit to my bank account for 10 years. It also eliminates a lot of unecessary contact between the two of you...it's a nice drama-prevention tool.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Helping your kids cope with the effects of separation and divorce
Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope With Separation and Divorce
Children and Divorce: Helping Kids Cope With Separation and Divorce
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