He is an idiot
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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He is an idiot
But of course I am the only one who is making a big deal out of nothing.
He took the kids to a water/theme park a couple weeks ago. He took our 5 year old (child with RAD/PTSD) on an adult roller coaster (because he could go on the ride as long as stbxah held him). Never mind that DS did NOT want to go on it because he was scared. stbxah took him anyway. After he got off he was very scared. stbxah wanted to go on some other roller coasters with older DS and of course younger DS did NOT want to go and was insisitent that he was not going to. So what did the idiot do--he left younger DS with the person who runs the roller coaster and took off to ride roller coasters with 9 year old son.
Today older DS had a doctor appt. and stbxah volunteered to pick him up and take him back to camp since it was on the way to his job and he had to be there by 10:30. I thought ever so briefly that he was trying to be helpful. HA! Remember he has been getting nowhere with his quackmail. All he gets is the same answer over and over and over. No response to his diatribes.
When the OT left to go make some copies, stbxah tells me that the next time he has the kids he is going to take them back to the same water/theme park so I told him (very politely) that he would need to make arrangements for younger DS if he was going to take older DS on the roller coasters because leaving younger DS with a complete stranger while he was off riding roller coasters was not OK and had scared younger DS. He started to have a little hissy fit and I just ignored him. Then he said (and boy does this sound like he is the 5 year old) "Fine! Then we just won't go at all and it will be your fault that they don't get to have any fun! I'm going upstairs. You can bring DS up when you are done." I just rolled my eyes as he stormed out the door.
I don't think I am over-reacting. What idiot leaves their son with a complete stranger at a large theme park while he runs off with his older son to ride the other roller coasters? And I am over-reacting. Right, younger DS came home that weekend in tears because he was so scared. That was also the weekend before he punched a kid in the mouth. And meanwhile, stbxah has been blaming all of younger DS's difficulties on me because I am divorcing him "because I am so bitter and don't know how to show anyone unconditional love so how would DS ever think that I really love him (DS)?"
I know, quack, quack, quack. But really, I have spend scads of money on attorney fees because he does stupid stuff like this. Remember this is the man who was gonig to leave both kids at another very crowded aracade in a convention center while he was working.
He is just such an a** and idiot. I have been having to deal with his crap all week and I am starting to get headaches from clenching my teeth. Still I can do nothing until some harm occurs to one of the kids. Some times the legal system is useless.
OK, rant done--I think.
He took the kids to a water/theme park a couple weeks ago. He took our 5 year old (child with RAD/PTSD) on an adult roller coaster (because he could go on the ride as long as stbxah held him). Never mind that DS did NOT want to go on it because he was scared. stbxah took him anyway. After he got off he was very scared. stbxah wanted to go on some other roller coasters with older DS and of course younger DS did NOT want to go and was insisitent that he was not going to. So what did the idiot do--he left younger DS with the person who runs the roller coaster and took off to ride roller coasters with 9 year old son.
Today older DS had a doctor appt. and stbxah volunteered to pick him up and take him back to camp since it was on the way to his job and he had to be there by 10:30. I thought ever so briefly that he was trying to be helpful. HA! Remember he has been getting nowhere with his quackmail. All he gets is the same answer over and over and over. No response to his diatribes.
When the OT left to go make some copies, stbxah tells me that the next time he has the kids he is going to take them back to the same water/theme park so I told him (very politely) that he would need to make arrangements for younger DS if he was going to take older DS on the roller coasters because leaving younger DS with a complete stranger while he was off riding roller coasters was not OK and had scared younger DS. He started to have a little hissy fit and I just ignored him. Then he said (and boy does this sound like he is the 5 year old) "Fine! Then we just won't go at all and it will be your fault that they don't get to have any fun! I'm going upstairs. You can bring DS up when you are done." I just rolled my eyes as he stormed out the door.
I don't think I am over-reacting. What idiot leaves their son with a complete stranger at a large theme park while he runs off with his older son to ride the other roller coasters? And I am over-reacting. Right, younger DS came home that weekend in tears because he was so scared. That was also the weekend before he punched a kid in the mouth. And meanwhile, stbxah has been blaming all of younger DS's difficulties on me because I am divorcing him "because I am so bitter and don't know how to show anyone unconditional love so how would DS ever think that I really love him (DS)?"
I know, quack, quack, quack. But really, I have spend scads of money on attorney fees because he does stupid stuff like this. Remember this is the man who was gonig to leave both kids at another very crowded aracade in a convention center while he was working.
He is just such an a** and idiot. I have been having to deal with his crap all week and I am starting to get headaches from clenching my teeth. Still I can do nothing until some harm occurs to one of the kids. Some times the legal system is useless.
OK, rant done--I think.
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No, I don't think you're over-reacting. What if someone, god forbid, had just walked by and snatched up your younger DS and walked away with him? This behaviour is totally unsafe and I wonder how legal it is. I mean, the job description of the rollercoaster operator is NOT "in loco parentis"....so your X could be charged with something here...I also how you can enforce these things....guess this means a call to your lawyer.
Do you have the power to refuse visitation if he keeps doing things like this, but all the while offering an alternative form of visitation?
Sorry if I'm not more help here. I'm just wracking my brain.
But, once again, you are not over-reacting.
*hugs*
Do you have the power to refuse visitation if he keeps doing things like this, but all the while offering an alternative form of visitation?
Sorry if I'm not more help here. I'm just wracking my brain.
But, once again, you are not over-reacting.
*hugs*
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Oh wife, I'm so sorry.
Today, I really hate the effects of alcoholism even more vehemently than I had before. I didn't think that was possible.
You're not over-reacting. This is totally unacceptable behavior on your AH's part. I'd call your attorney for sure, and in the meantime I'm sending you and your DSs big hugs~
posie
Today, I really hate the effects of alcoholism even more vehemently than I had before. I didn't think that was possible.
You're not over-reacting. This is totally unacceptable behavior on your AH's part. I'd call your attorney for sure, and in the meantime I'm sending you and your DSs big hugs~
posie
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WOW!! A 5 year old was allowed to go on an adult roller coaster sitting on his father's lap? Sounds like the theme park attendant has very poor judgment as well, and I'll bet he violated theme park rules by allowing it to happen. I am sure there is a height/weight and/or age requirement.
As for the father, shame on him, he should know better. What a risk he was willing to take for "fun", both taking him on the ride and leaving him with the attendant, who obviously is not responsible either!
Really, what were they both thinking??
As for making a BIG DEAL out of it, child safety IS A BIG DEAL!!
As for the father, shame on him, he should know better. What a risk he was willing to take for "fun", both taking him on the ride and leaving him with the attendant, who obviously is not responsible either!
Really, what were they both thinking??
As for making a BIG DEAL out of it, child safety IS A BIG DEAL!!
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Here is the big problem--and it is stupid. Because we are in the middle of a divorce often there is an assumption that one spouse is lying. Now he is telling the kids to lie or Mama might make it so he does not have a Daddy. He is telling younger DS that I am trying to take his Daddy away. He told older DS (which is why he did not want to go to his Dad's this weekend) that the stuff he is telling me could make it so DS could not see him anymore. He is heaping on the guilt-something he learned in his own family. Best way to get someone to do something (or not) is to try to make them feel guilty.
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I don't know where your state stands on the concept of "parental alienation" but this EXACTLY what your STBX is doing. Recently, in Canada, there have been cases won because the opposing party was blatantly taking part in a smear campaign against the other parent. In those cases, supervised visitation was ordered. However, I don't know how or if this applies to US legislation.
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Nothing at this point. I asked my attorney (1st) to put in the temporary order that neither party denigrate the other party in the children's presense. But he said it was not enforceable. This came up with stbxah's family was trashing me beyond belief to the point that older DS was coming home in tears because he wanted to stand up to them and tell them they were all wrong--but was afraid his Dad would get mad at him.
I think I will send something to my lawyer. I have had to set up a payment agreement with the firm because I cannot afford the massive legal fees each month because of stbxah's behavior toward the kids, lack of action on court orders, not paying child support. HE should be paying for all my legal fees just because I have to pay a lawyer to get him to do what he should be doing. But I am talking about a guy in complete denial about his alcoholism. Oh, and I found out this weekend he is now snorting coke and smoking crack--on top of his daily MJ use. But he is a good church musician so of course I am making that all up.
I think I will send something to my lawyer. I have had to set up a payment agreement with the firm because I cannot afford the massive legal fees each month because of stbxah's behavior toward the kids, lack of action on court orders, not paying child support. HE should be paying for all my legal fees just because I have to pay a lawyer to get him to do what he should be doing. But I am talking about a guy in complete denial about his alcoholism. Oh, and I found out this weekend he is now snorting coke and smoking crack--on top of his daily MJ use. But he is a good church musician so of course I am making that all up.
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Wife, The way I look at it is these are your kids, and it's your job to protect them. If your husband doesn't watch them carefully, or leaves them with strangers, then you have to do what you have to do. I mean especially that the kids are so young. There are pedophiles, and serial killsers, and child rapists around. And the ones that prey on kids, would be at a amusement park, or a water park. So, no point in arguing. When you send your kids with their dad, you might need a babysitter for dad too.
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Do you have proof of his crack and cocaine consumption? There has to be a way to work this into a modification of visitation. I know that with alcohol it's tricky because it isn't an illegal substance, but with drugs, it's another ballgame. What does your visitation agreement state?
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One line of the placement and visitation order (that I asked be put in there) reads no use of alcohol or controlled substances 12 hours before or during placement. The mediator stated this would have to be for both of us and I said, that's fine. But that does not mean he is following the order. He is not following the child support order either.
The only way I can truly prove his drug use would be a urine test and he would not do that. If I asked for that, knowing how long his lawyer has strung everything else along, stbxah would have time to get it out of his urine.
No one who gets high with him is going to step forward and say-yep, he gets high with me all the time--due to the illegal nature. Plus, as a rule they all like to watch each other's back. My knowledge comes 2nd hand from people who have witnessed him doing these things because they have been around. I don't think a single one of them would step up to the plate. It is also, easy to discredit someone who was also using or in the presense of users. . .
The only way I can truly prove his drug use would be a urine test and he would not do that. If I asked for that, knowing how long his lawyer has strung everything else along, stbxah would have time to get it out of his urine.
No one who gets high with him is going to step forward and say-yep, he gets high with me all the time--due to the illegal nature. Plus, as a rule they all like to watch each other's back. My knowledge comes 2nd hand from people who have witnessed him doing these things because they have been around. I don't think a single one of them would step up to the plate. It is also, easy to discredit someone who was also using or in the presense of users. . .
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Could you perhaps administer a brethalizer before/after visitation to confirm that he is at least not drinking during or before visitation? Because he's so crafty, this is going to become a game of trying to catch him with his pants around his ankles...But, you're doing this for the SAFETY of your children...
You cannot do a damned thing about his lies, but where the children's safety is concerned, perhaps there's something that can be done. When it got ugly with my XAH, I was ready to hire a private investigator to get proof of his drinking/drugging just to make sure it was clear to the courts who this guy really was. Thankfully, I never needed to do that, but I'd be willing to, in a heartbeat, if DD was placed in a frightening situation like your DS was.
Have you spoken to your attorney about your right of visitation refusal/redirection (as in, offering an alternative)?
You cannot do a damned thing about his lies, but where the children's safety is concerned, perhaps there's something that can be done. When it got ugly with my XAH, I was ready to hire a private investigator to get proof of his drinking/drugging just to make sure it was clear to the courts who this guy really was. Thankfully, I never needed to do that, but I'd be willing to, in a heartbeat, if DD was placed in a frightening situation like your DS was.
Have you spoken to your attorney about your right of visitation refusal/redirection (as in, offering an alternative)?
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I do not have the right to deny visitation unless the children are in imminent danger--like him showing up to pick the kids up high or drunk. He has never done that. It all happens after he has the kids. Older DS has a phone but expecting a 9 year old to take charge is asking a lot. He knows if he feels he is not safe he should call me. He knew younger DS did not feel safe but he is afraid to say anything to his Dad because then his Dad tells him to stop trying to be in charge.
I just sent stbxah the following:
I was not trying to interrupt your trip to Mt. Olympus with DS and DS the weekend of August 14th. As I said this morning, DS came home and told me he was afraid when he went on the roller coaster and he was afraid when you and DS went on the other roller coasters and you left him in the care of the roller coaster operator. I am unsure they are even supposed to do that. They cannot be watching a 5 year old while doing their job and if DS decided to walk away I doubt they would stop him.
What I was going to suggest this morning before you left is that you take DS for a day and go on all the rides you want to go on and I would bring DS the following day. I am not trying to take your visitation away. I am just trying to provide a solution so you and DS can spend time together doing the things at the theme park you enjoy and then the 3 of you can do things DS is able to do the following day.
You can let me know if this is something you are interested in. Also, if you are going to take them to the theme park a day earlier in the day you need to let me know as the placement order says you will pick them up after school. If you want to pick up DS and DS Friday morning instead of at the end of the day please let me know. I pay for childcare and if DS is not going that day or DS is not going that day I can let them know that and I will be charged less for that week. I don’t think I can do anything about DS because I have already paid for that week.
I have been told to always be very professional in all conversations and emails with him and I have been. His responses are also important and I forward those to my attorney.
I also sent an email to the theme park asking what rides a child who is younger DS's height is able to go on and if there are other rides he can go on with a parent. I will wait for their response and then ask about operators watching children and whether they provide a nanny service.
This proposed trip is not scheduled to happen for another week and a half--so I have time to get it set up so the kids are safe. I will be talking to my attorney though. I should not have to do this every time stbxah has the kids. My 9 year old is more responsible than he is.
I just sent stbxah the following:
I was not trying to interrupt your trip to Mt. Olympus with DS and DS the weekend of August 14th. As I said this morning, DS came home and told me he was afraid when he went on the roller coaster and he was afraid when you and DS went on the other roller coasters and you left him in the care of the roller coaster operator. I am unsure they are even supposed to do that. They cannot be watching a 5 year old while doing their job and if DS decided to walk away I doubt they would stop him.
What I was going to suggest this morning before you left is that you take DS for a day and go on all the rides you want to go on and I would bring DS the following day. I am not trying to take your visitation away. I am just trying to provide a solution so you and DS can spend time together doing the things at the theme park you enjoy and then the 3 of you can do things DS is able to do the following day.
You can let me know if this is something you are interested in. Also, if you are going to take them to the theme park a day earlier in the day you need to let me know as the placement order says you will pick them up after school. If you want to pick up DS and DS Friday morning instead of at the end of the day please let me know. I pay for childcare and if DS is not going that day or DS is not going that day I can let them know that and I will be charged less for that week. I don’t think I can do anything about DS because I have already paid for that week.
I have been told to always be very professional in all conversations and emails with him and I have been. His responses are also important and I forward those to my attorney.
I also sent an email to the theme park asking what rides a child who is younger DS's height is able to go on and if there are other rides he can go on with a parent. I will wait for their response and then ask about operators watching children and whether they provide a nanny service.
This proposed trip is not scheduled to happen for another week and a half--so I have time to get it set up so the kids are safe. I will be talking to my attorney though. I should not have to do this every time stbxah has the kids. My 9 year old is more responsible than he is.
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I understand this very much. I was told last week by my lawyer that if my other son did not go with his father for visitation that I could be held in contempt of court. I am not preventing him. When it came down to the wire older DS did go. But I had no idea what was going to happen. He did not want to go because his Dad yelled at him from the moment he picked him up last Tuesday until the moment older DS went to bed. Why--he was mad older DS was spending the week at my BIL's house. stbxah hates my BIL. Why only stbxah knows.
It is completely absurd but the laws are upside down. I have talked to family court mediators and told them about stbxah alcohol and drug use.
noday I am very close to hiring a private investigator because I was told NO ONE would believe me and it would be my word against stbxah's word.
Right now there is no GAL--but it may be time to bring one in.
It is completely absurd but the laws are upside down. I have talked to family court mediators and told them about stbxah alcohol and drug use.
noday I am very close to hiring a private investigator because I was told NO ONE would believe me and it would be my word against stbxah's word.
Right now there is no GAL--but it may be time to bring one in.
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Just reading all of this makes my skin crawl. I went through similar things with my ex and I tell you I never wanted to do major bodily harm to anyone so much in my life. It is so hard when you try to play by the rules and they just push and push and push, just trying to cause you misery and they don't even CARE what it does to the kids. It's not about the kids for him anymore, it's all about HIM getting to YOU!
Okay, so sorry for the rant, but I just found myself getting so angry at what you are going through. Hang in there and keep in close contact with your attorney. I hope your attorney is a pit bull because it sounds like that's exactly what you need.
Okay, so sorry for the rant, but I just found myself getting so angry at what you are going through. Hang in there and keep in close contact with your attorney. I hope your attorney is a pit bull because it sounds like that's exactly what you need.
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private investigator would work. This makes me sick though. Can't you request a hearing and go before the judge to tell them about the roller coaster incident? Ask for a modified child visitation order?
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wow--he told me he had one dwi about 15 years ago. He knows every back road in the state. This is a man who knows how to drive drunk.
Everyone--thank you so much for the support.
suki-you are right. It has nothing to do with the kids as far as trying to find something that works. He has failed miserably at trying to push my buttons.
I think him not taking care of the kids is because he is so totally self absorbed. He does not think that what he did is even wrong.
I will talk to my attorney. The sad thing is--she was serious when she told me last week that I should try to get my older son to go with stbxah or I could be held in contempt. Really after I thought about it I thought why in the hell am I trying to convince my son to go with him--that is me enabling his bad behavior and teaching my son to do the same thing! i won't do it again. If the kids do not want to go with him and there is a big stink the police can come and they can find out why the kids do not want to go with him.
Everyone--thank you so much for the support.
suki-you are right. It has nothing to do with the kids as far as trying to find something that works. He has failed miserably at trying to push my buttons.
I think him not taking care of the kids is because he is so totally self absorbed. He does not think that what he did is even wrong.
I will talk to my attorney. The sad thing is--she was serious when she told me last week that I should try to get my older son to go with stbxah or I could be held in contempt. Really after I thought about it I thought why in the hell am I trying to convince my son to go with him--that is me enabling his bad behavior and teaching my son to do the same thing! i won't do it again. If the kids do not want to go with him and there is a big stink the police can come and they can find out why the kids do not want to go with him.
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Okay, well I asked becauses if there is a record than there is proof the guy drinks, even if it is 15 years ago;
it still happened. I wouldn't force my kid to go either. I would rather be arrested than put my son in danger. Sometimes I feel like a lot of people don't understand the lengths a mother will go through to protect her childern. I will pray for you.
it still happened. I wouldn't force my kid to go either. I would rather be arrested than put my son in danger. Sometimes I feel like a lot of people don't understand the lengths a mother will go through to protect her childern. I will pray for you.
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