Ineverimagined

I'm not sure how to begin. I have been with my bf for almost 13 years. We live together. He drinks several beers a day, and smokes pot every day. Over the years, I've told him I want him to stop, and he tells me he wants to but never does. I hate it but I guess I've come to accept it. Well we had a huge fight because an ex boyfriend texted me. I didn't give him my number, but my bf doesn't believe me. I have lied to my bf about this ex before because he gets so jealous. He called me horrible name and even threw a tomato at me--he's never hurt me like that before. He said it's over, but he hasn't left the house. We haven't spoken in three days, but he is still living here in the other room. Is he 'punishing me' with the silent treatment? Am I only finding fault in his addictions because he's mad at me? I know he will eventually want to 'talk' and, in his mind, give me' another chance. My question is how do I explain that I don't think we should try to keep this relationship going? I want a family, but not with a drunk and pothead. Why is this so hard?

Live

Your reasoning sounds perfectly valid to me.
He is not going to change his habits...good on you for accepting that they are his habits.
Now, you don't like it, don't want to raise children that way..or, I am guessing...live with jealousy. Or verbal abuse. Or having fruits and vegetables thrown at you.

Summed up this is not what you want your future to be like. That is a good enough for leaving the past behind and moving to a better future.

dollydo

He is an abuser, and, that to me is a deal breaker.

Simply put, I would tell him that it is over, and, one of us needs to move out. Since I do not know your lease/mortgage situation that will have to be worked out.

You are very wise to end this before there are any children.

Suzie12

So sry that you have these troubles hun.

Remember these are HIS addictions not yours, HIS jealousy not yours and HE chose to be violent not you, so why wait for him to want to talk and "give you another chance".

I think you need to put yourself in the driving seat here and the first opportunity you get when he hasnt been using is to tell him straight, violence of any sort is unacceptable and ask him to move out until he can sort himself out. If he does sort himself out all to the good, if not at least you have made your first step for your future happiness.

I dont know your situation regards who owns what but seek some professional advice on that score as to who has what right.

God bless

Bernadette

My question is how do I explain that I don't think we should try to keep this relationship going? I want a family, but not with a drunk and pothead. Why is this so hard?

I agree with Live you pretty much summed up what you need to say right there.

Or if giving specifics will only lead to nitpicky fighting then keep it even simpler: I am done with this relationship. I just can't do it anymore. I want to break up. It's over. You don't need to explain anymore than that. We all have the right to associate with whom we choose and the right to stop associating with anyone at anytime!

Why is it hard? Well breaking up is hard to do no matter what! But also maybe for 13 years you've been tolerating stuff that actually really bothers you.

I know when I finally accepted the REALITY of my brothers alcoholism I looked back and was like, Oh my God a "together" person wouldn't have put up with even 2 of the 100's of bad situations I put up with. I had allowed them to treat me badly and so it was a little hard to change at first - because it was my habit.

peace-
B

nodaybut2day

IMO, after having a fruit or vegetable thrown at me, for whatever reason, there's no need to explain anything. You seem to know this relationship is toxic and won't ever change. Time to walk out. Literally.

Ineverimagined

"Now, you don't like it, don't want to raise children that way..or, I am guessing...live with jealousy. Or verbal abuse. Or having fruits and vegetables thrown at you."

Best quote, thank you! When I saw that actually written down, I laughed at how ridiculous it was. Like, THAT's MY life?? I don't think so.

Thanks to all who responded. It's so funny how we think we are alone, and then just a few clicks of a keyboard and suddenly you're surrounded by people who have lived through your situation or worse. I think I've got a lot of learning to do about myself, my co-dependency, and my willingness to settle for something less than I deserve. I've accomplished a lot in my life in spite of him. While he was stoned and drunk, I got a master's degree. While he was hungover, I achieved a lot of success in my career. While he was loading up his bong, I was strengthening relationships with my family members.

The hard part now will be facing him and saying he has to move out. We rent a house, and there is no way he can afford it. I, however, can afford it. I am independent of him so that is good.

He doesn't need me. I don't need to take care of him. I need to fix me and never fall into the arms of an addict again.

Peace.

RollTide

I sat in an AlAnon meeting last night and talked about how my XAH was SO jealous and now that we're divorced I have started to do all of the things that make me happy and it is WONDERFUL. Thank goodness you are not married to this man. You don't need him. RUN!!!!!!

And I would suggest going to an AlAnon meeting. It will help you get your head screwed back on straight. And keep reading here. You'll learn a lot.

Kudos to you for your independence!

lulu1974

You sound like u r a wonderful person. I know it may hurt but if you leave him, you will have a new life..Possibility to find a true partner who will cherish you. I agree. RUN!!

Hugs
Lulu

Learn2Live

Whoa. I say it is high time for a new boyfriend.

Carol Star

Potheads don''t mature. The addiction is progressive. They don't accomplish much. He's punishing you? You didn't do anything. It is addictive and I live in Va. and it is illegal and has 50 kinds of tar in it so will do lung damage. I think your head is telling you something your heart will catch up to.

Ineverimagined

13 years-- I can't believe I've given him that much time. I met him when I was 19. I'm now 32! He would talk about marriage "someday" when he had more money. When this or that happened. He tried to convince me that he needed pot for his sore knees instead of having to take pain pills.

He has a daughter from a previous relationship and she was caught smoking pot. Do you know what she said? "My dad does it." He was, almost PROUD of that. He had a smirk on his face. A sheepish grin.

I don't even want to write all of the things I've seen over the years because you all will know what a tool I've been to stay.

I guess I have to thank him. His non-committal ways saved me from being a married woman with kids stuck with a drug/alcohol addicted 36 year old baby.


whoa. Never told anybody any of this. Thanks for the time/space to listen and your comments have made me feel like I'm not crazy.

suki44883

Hold on to that resolve. You deserve so much better. You are a strong woman and you are very lucky that you never did attach yourself legally to him. Now, you can move on and he can figure out things on his own. Good for you!!

Live

I predict that getting him to leave will be the hardest part!

You sound like you have so much going on in your life...that it will just surely blossom and you will be thanking yourself when you feel how much of a weighty burden has been dropped.

Not saying that there won't be hurt...but it will pass and you will be ever so glad that you got on with your life.

congrats!

I got a chuckly reading your posts...humor is a saving grace!

Jadmack25

Quote INever: ((( I've accomplished a lot in my life in spite of him. While he was stoned and drunk, I got a master's degree. While he was hungover, I achieved a lot of success in my career. While he was loading up his bong, I was strengthening relationships with my family members. )))

Seems obvious to anyone that he has contributed nothing to your achievements in your life, and no doubt he has benefited in many ways from your success.

I would be surprised if he went quietly when you call him on this, as he stands to lose out of this. He may also react strongly when you tell him you want out, instead of the
scenario of him forgiving you and you being grateful.

As you see, his behavior is irrational, controlling and abusive, and who needs this cr*p?

Have your say to him, sort out who goes and then put him on the NC list, which means any contact is toxic.

God bless

Ineverimagined

Thank you so much. I have been very confused these past few days. This forum, and posts from all of you, are helping me admit that this relationship is doomed. It doesn't matter why we fought this time, the silence has allowed me' to focus and gain clarity.

I haven't been a peach either. For 13 years I've made him feel like he wasn't good enough (because he wasn't) but I would tell him I love him all the time. I was also sending mixed messages. I realize that I have work to do on myself too.

Thanks again.

Learn2Live

IMO, INeverImagined, NONE of this is even about HIM. It is ALL about YOU--what YOU want for YOUR One Precious Life. Once you really, really believe this in your heart, getting away from him is EASY and you stop beating yourself up about the past and you stop trying to figure things out. I am so very glad that you have gotten to this crossroads in your life. Because there is so much beauty and excitement in this world that you will NEVER experience stuck in a relationship with a dopehead dragging you down. Ugh, just THINKing about it makes me tired.

transformyself

Welcome to our little family!

For me, the hardest part was to stop focusing on what I had done wrong:
, on the accusations he threw at me, (blameshifting)
on trying to communicate to him what I needed (for 15 years with no results except for him to be charming and wonderful when I was ready to leave and then bail when I needed him most)
and stop focusing on the abandoment I felt (which made me run after him like a child) and stop the cycle of abuse, pain, disappointment and confusion.

I thought I would die without him. Here's what really happened:

After I moved out, I woke up every morning in my new house, alone with my kids and felt like a little kid at Christmas. That dread and pain that sat on my chest was replaced with soaring joy.
I spend time with people who really DO like me. I let the people who love me do so
I am free of the stomach aches, body aches and other physical ailments I had while living with him
I am supporting myself with little help from him
I am finding out who I am, outside of that sick relationship
I started my own business and am a national industry leader (!)

All this from a piece of **** who couldn't be trusted, didn't care about anyone but herself and is a disgusting person who can't clean the house. Imagine that!!

Ineverimagined

Thank you RollTide. I'm intimidated to go to Al-anon, but I've been looking it up and thinking a lot about it. His ex (the mother of his daughter) just started going to AL-anon because of her XAH. (am I using the shorthand right?) Anyway, we snickered together about her going. I feel like a hypocrite and a jerk. But I know that I need to work on myself now. Obviously I am codependent, and an enabler.

He's still living in the other room. I'm still living in mine. We haven't spoken since Friday night except for a few little things. But I haven't been crying, or playing sad songs or lamenting too much. We've got to talk about him moving out, I know. He did pay his half of the rent this month, so I of course analyze that to death about how he intends to stay, he's just mad right now, so when I tell him to leave he'll be angry again. Oh, and his birthday is on Monday, so I feel bad about that--but not speaking to each other has been really helpful for me to realize that this is indeed over.

I have also been putting off telling my mom and dad about what's going on. They are very religious and have never liked me living with my bf, but they have accepted him. The thing is, they don't know about his alcoholism or drug use. I've hid it very well. They just think he's got social anxiety and that's why he doesn't like to be around my family for very long. But the truth is he's uncomfortable around them because they don't believe in drinking, smoking or drugs at all--so he can't be himself around them. They knew that he drank and smoked, just not to the extent that he does, and they don't know about the pot. I've even hid from them that I drink occasionally and smoke cigarettes. He and I were sort of in on it together, whenever my family would come around, we'd hide the ashtrays, wine and beer. I feel bad for not even being able to be myself--whoever that is, around him AND my folks.
How lame that a 32 year old woman has been lying to her parents for all these years about that!

Anyone else have LDS families or super religious backgrounds? How do you deal with that guilt on top of everything else?

nodaybut2day

Please don't bash yourself. What happened and what you did served an important purpose: it brought you here to SR, and to a realization that you need to make changes in your life. That knowledge is priceless.

*I* lied to my parents for the longest time (I'm 32) about what was really going on with XAH. My parents aren't religious, but had my father found out that I was not only supporting XAH's lazy butt, but I was supporting his lazy butt by *stripping*, he would have lost it. So I lied. I wanted to protect them.

Strangely enough, though I *thought* they were clueless about XAH's drinking, they knew all along. They hid what they knew to protect me and I hid what I knew to protect them. Messed up huh?

Have you figured out how you're going to get out of there (or get him out)?