Like a DARK Cloud...
 

Tonight AH came over to see the kids....no big deal. But wow did I have a few realizations. First off, that his presense is like a dark cloud....depressing, sad, angry.....the minute he walks in the room everything changes. Not only that but for the first time I noticed all the little things that I do to avoid him getting angry. For example I noticed that because of my fear I always make sure that he has a chair in the living room he likes.....how weird is that?? I ask him more than once if he wants food....because he has gotten mad at me in the past when he said no...and then I didn't make him a plate and got angry. I noticed that I have NO idea what to say anymore when he talks to the kids....because I could never say the right thing in his book. I realized that these behaviors are exactly what happens to someone in an abusive relationship......and for me that was a good realization. Watching his behavior makes me feel very very sad for him.......which is probablly what drew me to him to begin with.....in all my codie glory trying to show him he could be happy and that I could save him from misery.....WOW.....how bizarre was my thinking! However now what I see, while I do feel sorry for him, is a man who is empty and who has nothing to give me emotionally, no stability or love or companionship......who can only destroy me if I let him...which I WILL NOT DO! I am feeling so confident at the moment is what I am doing....scared because financially I am a teacher and have 6 kids, but I do know in the past God has always provided and I know He will again. Looking at my kids....I know that I could never live with myself if they modeled thier life after his....The space between he and I has made all the difference...he no longer can skew my view and reality of the situation.

Isn't it amazing how, after having some time away from the madness, we can so clearly see things that before we didn't even notice? A case of not being able to see the forest for the trees.

I'm glad you've had time to clear your mind so that you can see what a pit you had been living in. Sometimes that's all it takes...a bit of time and distance. I'm happy for you. :grouphug:

Hey Freeingmyself-
I suspect yet another name change in your future! From mentallyexh to Freeingmyself to free!

So glad you have this perspective, and I know how stressful financial hardship is after a separartion/divorce - but not nearly as hard as living within a negative/toxic relationship. Freedom from fear & emotional abuse is priceless. You're doing great!!

Peace-
B

WOW! This is HUGE! Good work Moni/FreeingMyself!!!
:c011:

Moni, what a revelation!!

Those eggshells on the bottom of your feet can be scraped off at any time you choose and from the sound of it, you have made up your mind to do just that. Good for you!!

You are doing what is right for you and your children. If he wants to seek recovery and be a part of that bright future, the choice is his.

He may continue to choose this unhealthy behavior bringing a dark cloud over his family and getting angry if his thrown is taken or the meal he doesn't want isn't still prepared for him, but now you really see that his is choice not your's and you can step away.

You are one brave lady! Hang in there, we're to support you and keep you focused.

Alice