SheCanRun

I find myself missing my Ah over the past few days, today more than ever. This is shocking to me, although I guess it really shouldn’t be. I thought that I’d already done all the work of releasing him over the past couple of years of separating and making up. I saw him today when he dropped off the kids and perhaps that triggered it.

I’ve tried to identify what particular things I miss so I can see if this is valid or me just being lonely. Here’s what I came up with: I miss someone to talk to who knows me, who I am, what I am and where I’m coming from. I miss my kids & I not being in the house (okay, not related to him just miss my home). I’ve tried to expand this list and make it about him specifically and not just the situation of being separated.

Do I miss him talking to me? Touching me? Nope. The way he smells (okay maybe yes on that one-when he’s not passed out snoring of course).

Maybe I don’t miss him as much as I was thinking. Every time I come up with something my brain also produces three examples of things that were bad between he & I. Humm, something to ponder in therapy this afternoon.

What do you do when you are missing your A?

RollTide

I play the tape all the way through.

fourmaggie

I miss someone to talk to who knows me, who I am, what I am and where I’m coming from. I miss.....

LOVE, we all miss that! (4 me, more words than i can say..I am a widow of 8 years)

BUT do you miss the choas of the DRINKER...make a list., what dont you miss?

dollydo

Well, when I thought the way you are thinking I re ran it through my mind, and, discovered that he really did not know me, not where I was coming from,not who I am..
Actually, he knew nothing about me. Why? Because he didn't care about anyone but himself. It was a reality check, I had to stop wearing my rose colored glasses, I had to be real honest with me, no more fantasy .

May not apply to your relationship with your ex, but, that was mine.

tigger11

Just went through it, SCR. For me... needed to increase my anti-depression meds.

transformyself

Thank you for this post. I sometimes wonder why on earth I keep going back to AH and my sister said it's a simple as we've been together for so long and he's the father of my kids.

Playing the tape all the way through is brilliant.

FreeingMyself

I so understand this....for me though it is all in my head. When he is not around I can pretend in my head he is something he is not...it takes about 2 seconds of being around him for me to realize that he is not that person, and I really don't miss him very much at all.

suki44883

A good thing to do might be to go back and read the posts you made when you first came here. Sometimes the memories of how bad it was fades and we tend to remember only the good things. Another thing...your username. You said that you literally had to run out of your house to get away from him when he became physically aggressive. That type situation is something that I cannot imagine anyone even considering going back to.

Live

For me.....I have found that they really only listened when I was talking about something that interested them. When I was speaking of my needs, not so much.
And, truthfully, there were alot of things I avoided even talking about that needed to be talked about.

For me, breaking up felt like being ripped away from a part of me to be very honest.
Every time I broke (or he broke) up with someone I was bonded with.
Since it has happened a few times in my life...I have learned that I do get over it.
I always wind up down the road wondering what the heck was I thinking?! LOL

There are even more things to love about someone who is very good and committed to me!

letgoofmyheart

This is what I do: Curl up in a ball and cry, ach, the pain feels the same as if he were in a tragic accident but he’s still alive… sometimes it hurts too much to cry…Sometimes I want to never wake up (more like I don’t want the pain to wake up). Therapy? Tried it… Pills for Depression (Prozac,Wellbutrin,Paxil,Lexapro)? Tried that too, just gained weight and didn’t want to leave the house (everyone is different so they might work for you and also the Therapist might help you but not me). If a Doctor could just get a pair of tweezers and pluck out any memory of my love for him that would make me happy, maybe if I could hit my head and get traumatic amnesia. Maybe it would be better if he would hit his head and forget he was an alcoholic but remembered me and the children and it would be really great if his mind was where it was when he was sober those 2 years, I want that life back, he was sober 2 out of our 23 years of marriage and I wish my children remembered but they were still babies,he was the perfect father and husband. He says he loves me more than anyone, and he knows I love him more than anything, but he has to choose me or the booze and the booze wins. The booze is the other women. I almost thought I won because I bought a house and the house we bought together he let go into foreclosure but an older woman he knew for two weeks saved the house and is paying his bills, 2 weeks and he married her, I wanted to save him, I wanted this to be “The Hit Rock Bottom” and then he would realize he needed to go to rehab but I was wrong she saved him. All he wants is a warm bed and a steady flow of booze. Although I am in all this pain and need his love, I will never take him back but at the same time, I can’t stop hurting….My heart hurts but my brain knows he is no good for me or my boys, they don’t even want him around anymore now that they are older. I’m sure you and I could find a new husband but my AH is my first love, how do you get over that? You can’t make yourself love. Oh, I’m sure we could fake being happy on the outside but inside I would be dying.
I understand your pain, I understand how much you miss talking to him, holding him, loving him… but that person you seen is not the same guy you fell in love with, like a scify movie, booze sucked the life out of him. Trust me he loves you but to be with him you have to be okay and accept him and he does not want to hear he is wrong and if you can’t do that you are the enemy. He will move on to the next lady that he can fool and when she realizes he is sick and lets him know she is on to his sickness, he will find another and the cycle goes on. The only thing you can do to help and this will be tough is to get someone else to meet him at the police station with the kids or at a friend’s house, change all your ph#’s and let that friend be the go between, if an emergency comes up with the kids let him call the friends first they will let you know and chances are their will be no emergency. If seeing him hurts, there are ways to get around it. I changed all my #’s the end of August is my 7th month and it is hard. My boys have a cell phone and they take the calls outside so I won’t hear his voice, they know how broke my heart is, they know I fall apart like a school girl. So many times I want to hear him tell me how much he loves me even if it is in a drunken voice but I can’t do this. Please find a way, there is always a way if you want there to be…. What if he were deaf and you did not know sign language? Would you write instructions and put them in the children’s bag? What if you and he didn’t have a car and there was no room for you to fit for your friend to take the children to his house? This might be better anyway, can you prove he is sober when he picks them up? Are the children old enough to let them know you love daddy like a school girl and it hurts your heart to see him cause you broke up? What if you had a God Awful flu how would you arrange that pick up and drop off? Does the children’s school have a website where he can check their grades and happenings at the school and have the teachers email? Our school
does and it is wonderful. Although I am 49, I am still that 17 year old school girl in love with the most popular guy in school but he just turned out to be the popular guy in the movie “Romy and Michell’s High School Reunion” Did you watch it? He turned out to be a cheating drunk. Women like us, when we love, we love hard and unconditionally but we have to be good examples to our children and teach them love is not suppose to hurt. Some day you and I will look back on all this pain and we will have learned lessons. We can get another that acts just like our men we are trying to get over, they come in diamond dozen but we are much wiser aren’t we? I’m so distraught I don’t even want to get a puppy for fear of I am only guaranteed seven years before it would leave me. I don’t even know you but wish I could take your pain..Sorry I went on and on but at least it kept you occupied a little while. Take care of yourself and figure out a way to not see him, it really does help but the first 3 months are the hardest, I get so excited when I make it another month.. The last day of August will be another day closer to closure. You Can Do It! And please don’t do like me and dream up ideas of how to break into his email, or go to his facebook to see his last log in, I get so mad at myself for trying to spy…I think deep inside we are still those cute school girls…

HisChild

We miss the men that we hoped they could be - not the men they really are. It's every little girls fantasy to grow up and marry their knight in shining armor. You don't really miss him - you miss the idea of a strong and loving partner in this life.

SoberJune282010

WOW, what an eye-opener this thread is. I am so lucky to still have my wife but am ashamed and sorry for what I have put her through. This disease has no boundaries and will rob us of everything.

It is too bad that those guys can't read this thread, because it really hit home for me what kind of pain I have caused those in my life. Thank you for posting this.

lulu1974

This used to happen all the time. Tha last time I saw him he was drunk beyond belief and was telling me all about his girlfriend and their s*x life together. I vowed to myself I will never have that conversation with any husband I end up with. LOL. But yes...I look thru rose colored glasses. It takes time. That is what my pals at SR tell me and they are right
I have my bad days too. Those are the days I take it one MINUTE at a time. What I have realized is that I am much stronger than I realized and so will you. And PS. the A sees our strength too. That is why they try to manipulate us. Just my theory.

Hugs
Lulu

mrphillipctrs1

What I used to do before my last contact with XAGF was to read my lists of the good and the bad. Of all the posts that I kept from the SR members when I first came here.

After my last contact, well needless to say it was the acceptance wake up call that my HP sent me. I feel nothing for her for the first time in a very long time.