Anger and sadness
 

Hello SR..

I have been dealing with some anger and sadness since last week. This seems to be becoming a pattern for me and I am getting nervous why all these feelings are resurfacing.

I want to know why this happened to me.
I want to know why someone who I thought loved me and was always good to me has disrespected me, insulted me and hurt me so much it was crippling.
I want to know how after surviving an A Father and physical abuse and an absent mother and all my childhood pain I have to go thru something like this.
I want to know why I feel so hurt these days that I cant even talk to my parents anymore because talking to them brings up past feelings.
I want to know why my sister who I have always been there for has abandoned me like I dont even exist when I need her most.
I want to know why I have these sh*tty people in my life and why do I attract them?
I want to know why I cant just move on and be happy.

I am just exhausted. I try and try and then feelings hit me from nowhere. It kills me that my stbxah for the first time in 10 years had called me the C word when I didnt deserve it.
It kills me the pity my extended family has for me thinking my life is over and its too late for me to have kids or it will be soon.
It kills me to think no one (men) wants me once they get to know me.
I cant find a darned hobby. I go to work, have friends, read and that is me. I like to do home improvement I guess.
I want more energy to go to Alanon meetings. I feel so disappointed I cant seem to make any. And maybe I feel if I go back the emotion will get so intense I will burst and they will need to carry me out on a stretcher.

I just want to know why I invested 8 years in someone who did despicable things to me. I want to know why I ignored the red flags.

I just want to be happy. I dont want all these feelings anymore. I want to close the blinds, disconnect the phone and live in a cocoon so these people cant hurt me anymore. So many people I trusted and they all hurt me in the end. Why.

oh lulu, I'm sorry you're going through this rollercoaster of emotions. From my perspective though, it's all normal in your journey towards recovery. You went through the denial phase earlier and now it's on to sadness and anger. I think it's great that you're using SR to verbalize those emotions.

Try to remember that discomfort never killed anybody and that you're doing exactly what you need to do to deal with your feelings: you're letting yourself experience them.

Remember also to give yourself a break. Recovery takes time. Remember to address the needs in HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), so sleep lots, eat well, spend time with friends and family, and punch a few pillows if you need to).

You're doing good. I'm sending you as strong a virtual hug as I can muster, all the way from Montreal, Québec.

****HUGS****

Hugs LuLu. I am sorry. :ghug3
I think you are thinking too much. I think you are overwhelmed with all these thoughts. Are you taking care of you? I can't remember, have you been evaluated for clinical depression?

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time Lulu. You are such a good person.

Sorry you are feeling so depressed. The thing is, many times we never get the answers we are looking for. It sucks, but that's just the way it is sometimes. You aren't experiencing anything that many of us haven't experienced. It's all a part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, but if you find yourself stuck for very long, you might want to talk with your doctor. Sometimes we need a little help just to get us over that hump.

I am sorry you are feeling so sad Lulu. It takes time to work through feelings after a breakup and so many years in a relationship regardless of whether the person is an addict or not. Be kind and gentle with yourself and if the depression does not lift on its on maybe see your doctor. After my second divorce I went on meds for a bit and it really helped me get over the hump. I thought I would never heal - ex ran off with an employee 20 years younger than me to another state. My self esteem was trashed completely. This was 10 years ago. Took me at least a year to really heal. Now I can think of him with neutrality and good will believe it or not. If I had stayed with him my life would not be what it is today. Healing comes it just takes time.

Remember you are WORTHY of love and a healthy relationship. It will come someday just give it time. You were treated like crap because your ex has issues and is a cruel person not because of anything you did. It took me a long time to realize that some people are just rotten and mean period. You can't fix them with love, kindness or consideration. They don't care what damage they do. He owns this behavior NOT you. You are free now to get on with your life - give yourself the wonderful things you deserve. The old dead bones of that relationship will be buried in time and you will be at peace.

Yes I am on a mood stabilizer as the antidepressants werent working. I think it helps but going back to Dr tonight so will see. I think its a lot of anxiety for me. We will see..

Hugs
Lulu

It sounds like you may have abandonment issues to work through. I have them too, and I find that I attract situations that allow me to finally heal the deep-seated ones, but sometimes I fight it, so I get new situations again and again.

Hi lulu

Have you gone to therapy?

Also have you considered Bach flowers? they are World Health organization-approved and I have personally found they help lift me from my fog in ways nothing else can.

I hope you can get closer to the God of your understanding, become active in your faith or improve that relation between you and HP however you see fit.

Physical exercise has done wonders for my mood. I go wacko otherwise. I tested this last weekend.

Keep searching for activities that feed your soul.

Yoga is also a recommendation.

Just a few things that have helped me overtime.

:ghug3

Excellent advice everyone. My little input- acceptance......it is A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

I starting to think THIS may be at the root of a lot of my relationship problems.

Can't remember, did you get the DAMNED book?


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

LuLu, I remember the first time I had a major depressive episode I could not stop thinking. My brain was going a hundred miles a minute, 24/7. Please let the doctor know what is going on with you feeling overwhelmed like that. I hope you feel better soon. Just keep breathin' girl. That's your job. One foot in front of the other and fake it 'till you make it.
:grouphug:

Ok I saw the doctor. She upped my meds and gave me something for the anxiety. Here's to feeling better very soon. This really hit me like a ton of bricks. I do know one thing....I never want to feel this way again. Once this divorce is done, I hope things get better for me.

Slowly breathing in and out..
Lulu

Yes. I am seeing this too. So is my doctor. She is trying to get me to a point that I can attend therapy on a regular basis without the anxiety. Am hoping my therapist will do a phone session with me for now.

Lulu

My HP sent me someone to help. A person that is very God oriented called me and sensed I needed a friend. He is a truly good person and has his own family. He is very involved in the church and really cares about people. We had a good conversation. He wants to help me get better. Get closer to my HP which to me is God. I received an angel tonight.

Seems God has moved fast, new tabs, therapy and an angel in the guoise of a friend. What more could we ask of Him?

Depression is the most miserable, cold and lonely place I have ever visited, and am not planning a return visit. My AS has been a chronic depressive since childhood, and I feel so sad for her.....I get why she hits the wine now, even after time out at a good clinic.

Tip from my heart Lulu, do not allow yourself to hide away.....get out even if you do not want to.

Sending you all my love and wishes for a good therapy session and a healing of your hurts and pains, past and present.

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...s/angel085.gif

God bless