RayRayRay

I am a recovering alcoholic. Sober for many years. My girlfriend is a very responsible drinker. She lives with (and partially cares for) her mother.

Her mother has been a heavy drinker for years. She has heart problems and her doctor has told her she should stop smoking and drinking as it is not good with the medication she must take.

Her response? "To hell with that!!"

So, this week she ends up in the hospital, hooked up to all sorts of machines. If she makes it home, her life will need to change in that if she picks up another drink, she will die.

She is going to drink. This experience is not a life-altering one for her.

My girlfriend blames herself. She thinks she could've stopped her mother from getting to this point. She is guilt-ridden. I try to explain to her that she can only lead a horse to water. She can't make it drink.

I don't know what else to tell her or how to help her. What's worse is that her mother is going to come home (the home she shares with my girlfriend) and she is going to drink herself to death right in front of her daughter.

I'm at a loss...Any suggestions or similar situations would be much appreciated.

Thanks

suki44883

If you have tried every way you know of to convince her that what her mother is doing is not her fault, then there's not much more that you can do. Just as she can't control her mother, you can't control her. I'm sorry that she chooses to stay and watch her mother make such bad choices.

Still Waters

Ugh. Suki is right, there just isn't anything else beyond suggesting that she attend some Al-anon meetings.

The guilt can be devastating.

LexieCat

Yes, try to get your g/f to Al-Anon.

Maybe she can set boundaries such as letting mom figure out on her own how to buy her smokes and booze so she doesn't have to be a part of it.

Tough situation, I feel for her.

Pelican

Congratulations on your sobriety RRR!

I am sorry that you and your loved one are dealing with active alcoholism. Ugh! Alanon meetings may be helpful to you both. Have you attended any meetings since you became sober?

I am a recovering alcoholic/codependent/(ex)spouse of alcoholic. I attend Alanon meetings. They have helped me in my personal, business and family relationships.

Are you familiar with the 3 C's of addiction? They are:

You did not cause the addiction
You can not control the addiction
You will not cure the addiction.

It took me some time and energy to finally wrap my head around the three C's. I needed to understand that my love, my actions (reactions), my words were not going to change another person. I could only change myself and the way I respond.

I hope you and your gf are able to find a local Alanon meeting.

Learn2Live

And by the same token, YOU can lead your GF to Al-Anon but you can't make her go.

I am in the same situation with my Mom and Dad. My Dad also has failing health (heart, lungs and liver) due to his alcoholism and smoking all these decades, and he is going to die in the house with my Mom in it. My Mom will stay with him until the end. I don't know whether or not she blames herself for the condition he is in though.

RayRayRay

Thank you all for your responses.

My girlfriend and I have discussed it and we will attend a few meetings.

I have concerns as I did not like the AA groups in my area and if the Al-Anon around here is similar, I will be disappointed. I can only hope that my girlfriend gets what she needs from it.

When I was in the beginnings of my own recovery, I required a lot of outside support and there was plenty available - not just AA. Is Al-Anon the only real support out there for family and friends?

Still Waters

Well, individual counseling was a lifesaver for me. I'd suggest finding a counselor who specializes in addiction counseling.

RayRayRay

My girlfriend and I both have the day off work today (this rarely happens). We have been looking forward to this day for a little while, but with Mom-in-law in the hospital, my girlfriend has left my house to spend the day there.

I understand and that is her choice to make. Just as I choose not to go to the hospital today. I am tired and I have spent every extra minute each day this week next to this heavy drinker who is causing pain to her loved ones. I have been picking up the slack- making all the meals for my gf and I, also meals to bring to the hospital for mom-in-law. I have been doing all the chores at both their house and at mine. My girlfriend is having a rough time dealing with her mother's choices and I am trying to keep routine things out of her way so she can think. But I am tired. And today I am taking the day off.

Now I feel angry. Very angry at this mother who isn't very motherly at all.

One good thing from this is, that as I see her slowly killing herself and making her family watch, my resolve in a better lifestyle for myself is even stronger. I do not want to be that selfish person dying due to my own devices. I love myself enough to know I don't want that. And I love my friends and family enough not to purposely do that to them.

Just needed to rant. Thanks.