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A Vent on My Codie Family

Old 07-31-2010, 10:40 AM
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A Vent on My Codie Family

HERE is a little background post since I am not a very frequent poster. My Mom, DH and I are the recovering codies in my abrother's life.

For 6 months my DH and I had planned a special anniversary trip for this summer, and my Mom volunteered to watch our 3 kids. Mom barely hears from my abrother in 6 months and then he decided to contact her because he has no place to stay. She tells him he can only stay a night or two, and then he has to make his own arrangements to get into a program. Of course, this happens the Sunday before we are to drop the kids off at her home on a Friday. I told my Mom that I would not be leaving the kids there with her if he was there, she would have to come to our house to watch them, as I didn't feel comfortable with them around my brother. I have reasons for this which she knows and has witnessed. She assured me by Tuesday he'd be gone. You can guess he wasn't.

I called her when I got off of work Friday, as we were packing to drive to her (she lives several hours away). When she told me he was still there, and he probably wouldn't get into a program until Monday. I told her that we would come to visit her for the weekend as we had planned but I couldn't leave the kids there. Since our flight was on Tuesday we would just drive back to our house and she could come here to watch the kids, which was part of our original plan anyway. I was concerned that my brother would not get out of her house and into a program and I did not want my kids around him when I wasn't there, because those are the times he has lost his temper and been rough with them.

My Mom was livid. She claims I never told her that I wouldn't leave the kids if he was there. She said he'll be gone is a few days. DH and I stuck to our boundaries. When we got to her home he was gone, but she wouldn't tell me where, because she was angry with me. Fine. Then she seemed OK for the weekend and she even told my DH she understood and would do the same thing if she was in our shoes. I though her anger had subsided. We left the kids with her, they stayed a week with her at her house and then she drove them back to our house for a week while we were gone.

The thing is, she was very grouchy and mean to them the whole time! She has never been like that, taking out her anger with me on my kids. They are all old enough now to tell me that Gramma was in a bad mood most of the time. She takes the kids for a week or 2 every summer and usually they all have a blast. This really makes me sad, and changes things somewhat. I just needed to vent to you all who have been through similar things.
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:47 AM
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How sad that she took her anger out on your kids. Maybe you could explain to them that she wasn't angry with them, she was angry with you and that they hadn't done anything wrong to cause her anger. Then I think I'd have a little chat with mom and explain that she has a right to be angry, but that I don't appreciate her taking it out on innocent children. If she has a problem with that, then a bit of no contact for a while might be in order. It's a shame that we sometime have to treat codies the same way we treat the actual addict. (((HUGS)))
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Old 07-31-2010, 10:57 AM
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Darn.
My parents used to take my kids for 2 weeks every summer also.
Some visits were better than others.
I think your mom will wind up regretting her bad temper and make amends, don't you?
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:11 AM
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It probably wasn't her taking out her anger at YOU so much as it was her anger and frustration over the whole situation.

Not that that makes it OK.

I don't know that "no contact for awhile" is necessary, but you probably don't want the kids in her care at her home while your brother is around and she is allowing him to suck up her emotional time and energy.

Maybe let the kids know that Grandma was so worried about Uncle A that she was in a bad mood the whole time, and it had nothing to do with them or how she feels about them.

Hope the trip was good, anyway.
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:23 AM
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I don't know that "no contact for awhile" is necessary, but you probably don't want the kids in her care at her home while your brother is around and she is allowing him to suck up her emotional time and energy.

With all due respect, Lexie, what I said was...If the grandmother has a problem with not taking her anger out on the children...then a bit of no contact for awhile might be in order.

Other than that, I agree with the rest of your post.
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:33 AM
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Noted. I'm just thinking GM probably didn't realize it and isn't aware that she's doing it.

My thought was that she might not act out in that way in a different setting (visiting the kids at their own home instead of her own, as long as AB is around).

If she is the same way no matter what and sees nothing wrong with it, yeah, I agree.
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