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OT - Funny Recovery Quotes?

Old 07-30-2010, 11:14 AM
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OT - Funny Recovery Quotes?

:rotfxkoWell, I'm leaving for the beach in two hours, so I won't be too active. I have one of Anvilheads quotes that rang of truth and humor that I'd saved, and it always makes me LAUGH!

I thought if anyone had their favorite quotes, or just something funny to share, it'd lift maybe all of our moods! Call me silly I guess - I'm in a chipper mood today! So, I'll start and HOPE someone has some feedback lol! I will probably just add to this because I'm killing time and feeling giddy!

Have a wonderful weekend to ALL!

----

"do me a favor. go look out the window. did the world end? or did it just FEEL like it did? our minds can't discern between make believe and reality so the onus is upon US to feed the right information in.

you can work thru this. it's a man, not a lung. you'll live!"
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Old 07-30-2010, 11:19 AM
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you might search Jadmack..she has a long history of the funniest images!!!! And is also truthful and delightfully witty!

the reason you probably didn't think of throwing eggs...I was working in a poutry farm that produced eggs...I had flats of them for free!
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Old 07-30-2010, 11:29 AM
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LOL Live!

Okay.. and this once broke my heart reading.. and now I laugh and see it all so clearly! Haha, just so I can reflect back on this thread when feeling down I guess!

From Wicked:

you know jenny,

when i read about the note from the ex, i thought of a ham actor.
somethng shakespeare said, paraphrasing,
the world is a stage and we are merely players.
well, in his world, he is the star of the stage, and everyone else is playing a bit part.
he wants to sneak up to the car, in the middle of the night, and leave his heartfelt note.
<gag>
i laughed when i thought of him "emoting" his feelings out there, all alone, pulling his hair out because you are not in the audience or on his stage supporting the crap acting.

oh my, he is pitiful. not.
lol
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Old 07-30-2010, 11:50 AM
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that old song "Jenny, Jenny don't you lose my number, you're not anywhere I can find you...oh, Jenny" LOL
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Old 07-30-2010, 01:59 PM
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One of my old Al-anon sponsors used to say:
Holding a resentment is like wetting yourself. You have a warm feeling all over, but the only one who cares about it is you.
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Old 07-30-2010, 02:17 PM
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These always make me chuckle:

AlAnon: where you can walk into a room of complete strangers and reminisce!

A codependent: someone who refuses to give up a life of misery and frustration without a fight!

peace-
B
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Old 07-30-2010, 09:57 PM
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I have had my eyes light up with glee at this thread.

This is for all who believe their ex's or soon to be ex's, need help with basic skills.

Training Courses For Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Iron
3. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
4. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away:
5. Accepting Loss II: Keeping 3 week old Milk In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back
6. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Lino?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
7. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Shaving Stubble from the Sink
8. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
9. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!
10. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
11. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Toilet
12. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
13. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
14. Directions: Learning that It's Okay to Ask for Them
15. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
16. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
17. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
18. Going Out to Dinner: Anywhere but Pizza Hut or Macca's.
19. Dressing Up: Looking Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
20. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
21. Recycling Skills II: Polystyrene that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In

Will pop a few more along.

God bless
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Old 07-30-2010, 10:52 PM
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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

God bless
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Old 07-31-2010, 03:48 AM
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Do you know what a codie sees in the last moments before death?
The alcoholics life flashes before his/her eyes.

I also realized last week-although this is a geek joke-that I hate Word because it's codependance softwar-it always tries to do things for you when you don't need or want it to. (like bullet points, formatting etc)

Sorry, writers jok.e
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Old 07-31-2010, 05:39 AM
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You know you are getting old when someone asks you if you are "getting any" and you think they are talking about sleep.


PS: Grab anything you can find anywhere by Erma Bombeck. I practically wet myself anytime I read her stuff. It's kinda older stuff but you might find something on Ebay or something.
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Old 07-31-2010, 05:43 AM
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This was supposedly an essay written for a college application to an Ivy League school. I think it applies here because it sounds a lot like most alcoholics when they are trying to get a booty call going....


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Iím bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I donít perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
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Old 07-31-2010, 06:10 AM
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Originally Posted by DirtMagnet View Post
This was supposedly an essay written for a college application to an Ivy League school. I think it applies here because it sounds a lot like most alcoholics when they are trying to get a booty call going....


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When Iím bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I donít perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
I've just discovered my new resume. Consider it copied and pasted.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote


I applied for a part time cashier job at a home improvement store and they wanted a resume, I mean really.
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