Tools for Healing
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Tools for Healing
I thought this was helpful.. didn't know if it could help anyone else who feels 'stuck' or discouraged. I found it at Cosmicwalk - Help for victims of abusive parents and partners / Child abuse / Wife abuse.
Healing from abuse is a long and painful journey, but one that is consistently progressive, liberating and empowering. There is no formula for healing, either in terms of process or in terms of time. Each person is a unique individual and will walk a unique road. The specifics of your personal healing will be largely influenced by four things:
There is no right or wrong and no two situations can be compared. Please remember this and allow yourself the grace to heal in your own way, at your own pace.
Tools for healing
Honesty
This refers to being honest with yourself about what is really going on in your life. It involves taking an honest look at the person abusing you, the circumstances of the relationship and your decisions, choices and actions that landed you here.
It requires you to look deep inside yourself at what you really want, why the abuse has continued for as long as it has and whether you are serious about making it stop, even at potential high cost.
Commitment to Change
Sometimes we can hate our circumstances, but still not be prepared to go through any pain or discomfort to bring about change. Sometimes we commit to change in a moment of provocation or extreme pain or anger, but when the moment passes, the commitment fades away.
We begin to convince ourselves that it is not really that bad or that change is impossible. We complain and moan and cry about our situation, yet refuse advice, refuse to accept responsibility and refuse to actually initiate or carry through on any real course of action that can alter the reality we claim to hate so much.
We can change nobody but ourselves. Wishful thinking or living in a dreamworld will alter nothing. The only thing that we have absolute power to change is ourself: our thoughts, our values, our attitudes and our personal circumstances. Until we make a serious commitment to ourselves to bring about such change, nothing is ever going to be any different.
Courage
The path of healing is a path of change. It is a great unknown with no details given upfront and this can be frightening. It is especially frightening if it involves a change in physical circumstances at the same time: setting up a new home, having children to take care of, having a limited or non-existent personal income and limited personal support systems.
Let nobody tell you different. It takes enormous courage to heal. To look inside yourself and not know what awful things you may discover is not an easy task. There will be pain. There will be disillusionment. There will even be uncertainty about who and what you really are.
When you hit a bad day and feel weak and a failure, just remember that you had the courage to undertake this journey in the first place - a courage that all the bullies and abusers you know do not have. You are stronger than you feel and you have a strength of character that they could only dream of.
Self Focus
While it is good to uncover all the things that have been done to you and apportion responsibility where it belongs, it is equally important to realise that the actual healing is about focussing on ourselves and not on our abuser/s.
We need to gain courage, we need to establish boundaries, we need to enforce them, we need to stand firm and we need to take whatever action is neccessary. For as long as we keep all our focus on them, we are detracting from the work that we need to do on ourselves.
Knowledge and Insight
Before you can try to heal, you need to know exactly what you are healing from. This needs knowledge and insight that comes from honest appraisal and research. It is also aided by a good therapist and various information resourses like websites and books.
It is important at this stage to perhaps be less concerned with labels than with specific behaviours and issues. If we are able to find something that explains the whole package that we are working with, it can help immensely, but it is ultimately specifics that we need to address. Whatever your particular reality, learn as much as you can so that you can address specific issues with specific solutions. Knowledge really is power.
Support and Resources
You can heal on your own. It is not impossible. However, without someone or something to evaluate yourself against, to test your theories with, to encourage you and support you, it can be a lot harder. Please read through the section on Recovery and healing for information on different forms of help.
Perseverance and Patience
Not a day, not a week, not a month and not even a year will be long enough to heal. The longer that you have been the victim of abuse, the longer it will most likely take. There will be times that the process feels incredibly slow. There will be times that you get sucked back in and feel that you have failed. There will be other times that you feel utterly demoralised by what you perceive to be slow process or even no process at all.
These things are normal. These feelings are normal and you are normal. To be kind to yourself means to have patience, tolerance and forgiveness towards yourself and more than anything in this process, you need to be kind to yourself.
When you find that hard to do and are tempted to beat yourself up, step back for a moment and imagine that you are dealing with someone else - your child, your best friend or someone else that you love. Think about how you would react to them if this was they who were in the situation you are in. Would you be so hard on them? - Or would you encourage them, console them and remind them that it's ok to not get it right all the time?
There will be times that you feel as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back. This is normal. The point is not to be healed, but to achieve healing. There is a subtle but dramatic difference between the two.
To be healed is to arrive at the finish line. To achieve healing is to embark on and persist with the process itself. As a victim of abuse, total healing could take a lifetime, but if we can become healthier and healthier with each passing day or week or month, we are winning.
You did not go from birth to adulthood in a couple of months or years. In the same way you will not achieve complete healing in an instant either. Rejoice in your growth and your victories and allow yourself to celebrate the simple process of becoming.
Ultimately this is what healing is really about - becoming the person we want to be; the person we believe that we are. Isn't this what the normal path of life is about anyway? - About growing and evolving as people? Healing is no different. It is simply an evolution with a very clear purpose.
Things that hinder healing
Healing from abuse is a long and painful journey, but one that is consistently progressive, liberating and empowering. There is no formula for healing, either in terms of process or in terms of time. Each person is a unique individual and will walk a unique road. The specifics of your personal healing will be largely influenced by four things:
- The nature of the abuse you have suffered
- The duration of the abuse you have suffered
- Your own personality and fundamental character
- Your current circumstances
There is no right or wrong and no two situations can be compared. Please remember this and allow yourself the grace to heal in your own way, at your own pace.
Tools for healing
Honesty
This refers to being honest with yourself about what is really going on in your life. It involves taking an honest look at the person abusing you, the circumstances of the relationship and your decisions, choices and actions that landed you here.
It requires you to look deep inside yourself at what you really want, why the abuse has continued for as long as it has and whether you are serious about making it stop, even at potential high cost.
Commitment to Change
Sometimes we can hate our circumstances, but still not be prepared to go through any pain or discomfort to bring about change. Sometimes we commit to change in a moment of provocation or extreme pain or anger, but when the moment passes, the commitment fades away.
We begin to convince ourselves that it is not really that bad or that change is impossible. We complain and moan and cry about our situation, yet refuse advice, refuse to accept responsibility and refuse to actually initiate or carry through on any real course of action that can alter the reality we claim to hate so much.
We can change nobody but ourselves. Wishful thinking or living in a dreamworld will alter nothing. The only thing that we have absolute power to change is ourself: our thoughts, our values, our attitudes and our personal circumstances. Until we make a serious commitment to ourselves to bring about such change, nothing is ever going to be any different.
Courage
The path of healing is a path of change. It is a great unknown with no details given upfront and this can be frightening. It is especially frightening if it involves a change in physical circumstances at the same time: setting up a new home, having children to take care of, having a limited or non-existent personal income and limited personal support systems.
Let nobody tell you different. It takes enormous courage to heal. To look inside yourself and not know what awful things you may discover is not an easy task. There will be pain. There will be disillusionment. There will even be uncertainty about who and what you really are.
When you hit a bad day and feel weak and a failure, just remember that you had the courage to undertake this journey in the first place - a courage that all the bullies and abusers you know do not have. You are stronger than you feel and you have a strength of character that they could only dream of.
Self Focus
While it is good to uncover all the things that have been done to you and apportion responsibility where it belongs, it is equally important to realise that the actual healing is about focussing on ourselves and not on our abuser/s.
We need to gain courage, we need to establish boundaries, we need to enforce them, we need to stand firm and we need to take whatever action is neccessary. For as long as we keep all our focus on them, we are detracting from the work that we need to do on ourselves.
Knowledge and Insight
Before you can try to heal, you need to know exactly what you are healing from. This needs knowledge and insight that comes from honest appraisal and research. It is also aided by a good therapist and various information resourses like websites and books.
It is important at this stage to perhaps be less concerned with labels than with specific behaviours and issues. If we are able to find something that explains the whole package that we are working with, it can help immensely, but it is ultimately specifics that we need to address. Whatever your particular reality, learn as much as you can so that you can address specific issues with specific solutions. Knowledge really is power.
Support and Resources
You can heal on your own. It is not impossible. However, without someone or something to evaluate yourself against, to test your theories with, to encourage you and support you, it can be a lot harder. Please read through the section on Recovery and healing for information on different forms of help.
Perseverance and Patience
Not a day, not a week, not a month and not even a year will be long enough to heal. The longer that you have been the victim of abuse, the longer it will most likely take. There will be times that the process feels incredibly slow. There will be times that you get sucked back in and feel that you have failed. There will be other times that you feel utterly demoralised by what you perceive to be slow process or even no process at all.
These things are normal. These feelings are normal and you are normal. To be kind to yourself means to have patience, tolerance and forgiveness towards yourself and more than anything in this process, you need to be kind to yourself.
When you find that hard to do and are tempted to beat yourself up, step back for a moment and imagine that you are dealing with someone else - your child, your best friend or someone else that you love. Think about how you would react to them if this was they who were in the situation you are in. Would you be so hard on them? - Or would you encourage them, console them and remind them that it's ok to not get it right all the time?
There will be times that you feel as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back. This is normal. The point is not to be healed, but to achieve healing. There is a subtle but dramatic difference between the two.
To be healed is to arrive at the finish line. To achieve healing is to embark on and persist with the process itself. As a victim of abuse, total healing could take a lifetime, but if we can become healthier and healthier with each passing day or week or month, we are winning.
You did not go from birth to adulthood in a couple of months or years. In the same way you will not achieve complete healing in an instant either. Rejoice in your growth and your victories and allow yourself to celebrate the simple process of becoming.
Ultimately this is what healing is really about - becoming the person we want to be; the person we believe that we are. Isn't this what the normal path of life is about anyway? - About growing and evolving as people? Healing is no different. It is simply an evolution with a very clear purpose.
Things that hinder healing
- Not setting boundaries
- Not enforcing boundaries
- Continuing with this person in the same way as before: making no changes
- Ongoing exposure to the abuser or people who are allied with them
- Continuing the secretive life
- Having no support systems
- Refusal to confront reality for what it is : wishful thinking and ongoing hopefulness even when he refuses to make serious change
- Making excuses for either the abuser or yourself
- Engaging in the games
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