Nightmare21

My estranged husband has been out of my house for almost a week now. Surprisingly, I've only heard from him once. I thought at the very least, he'd call asking for money or to crash here again. But he'd only call to say, "hi". He seems to be doing okay and as far as I know is living life on the streets or house hoping at friends. My life has been very much less stressful once he left. No longer did I have to worry about him pawning my stuff, trashing my house, using in my house or getting in trouble with the law. He did say something very disturbing when I did speak to him that one time on the phone. He mentioned he'd like to join our daughter... where ever that is, as he put it. At first I didn't think much of this comment. It has to be the booze or drugs talking. But as I thought about it more, I realized what he's actually doing and it made me think further into this. Is this what he is slowing doing to himself - killing himself? I know it's probably impossible for anyone here to answer that. But it's been bothering me for the past few days and it all seems to go together now

Starburst

Hi Nightmare, this is just hitting home with me right now. For the first time in my life my AH went on an almighty binge out with the alcohol, i was so fearful as he has never reacted this way in the 3 years of replapse, so i came home on Sunday, packed our stuff took our daughters and left to a safe place, although i must say he never stopped calling or leaving messages, i had to go on the monday to give him keys, he had popped about 50 or so pills and drinking! He spoke about killing himself (i find now that if a person is not suicidal, they will not be able to do it, your H is reaching out), i stayed away for 2 days, eventually on Monday he sobered up enough to realize what he had done, that was his Day 1, i am now back at home, he has not drunk at all so we are now on Day 4, and all the pills he did take on Monday were shortly out of his system, as his system couldnt handle all the booze and pills. So what i am saying perhaps is your H just needs to find his real bottom, for my H it was me actually physically walking away and in 28 years i have never done this, they do not know what they are saying or doing in that state, it is very hard for you and me to see and deal with. All we can do is give them over to HP, because i promise you HP will be looking after them and us. Be strong and courageous, GOD will never leave you nor forsake you, right now HE is carrying you! ((HUGS))

Live

If he is making a suicide threat..report it, please.
I feel sure he will be in touch with you again, please try to take very good special gentle care of yourself right now.

LexieCat

I think a lot of us alcoholics/addicts ask ourselves, at various points, if we don't have a death wish. Usually that's just maudlin thinking on our parts--we can get FULL of self-pity and desperation.

For him to say that to you strikes me as a bid for you to feel sorry for him.

If he makes a direct suicide threat or you are seriously worried he will do something to harm himself, tell him you don't want that to happen, and that he should call the suicide hotline. Anything you try to do to "save" him will only suck you back into the drama.

smacked

Call the police if he exhibits suicidal ideation again. Maybe don't pick up his calls anymore.. ?

ElegantlyWasted

Call police. Did that for gf's son's threat. Always take threats seriously. Son's was a bluff, he decided he doesn't like the police hauling him into the psych ward everytime he Acts out. Also helped get him into some counseling. It's been smooth sailing for the last month and a half... Take care of yourself first and detach. When were emotionally attached were putty in their hands an easily manipulated.

silkspin

His comments are vague and likely on purpose to make you on edge and throw you off kilter. However, from my experience with various training courses in health care the way to treat this is to actually ask if the person is contemplating suicide, point blank. If they say yes, you ask if they have a plan. If they do and can tell it to you, it's very serious and you must report it. If they don't, or don't have a clear answer, then it's a either a manipulation tactic or a cry for help. This is obviously not concrete and all situations are different but at least it may help inform how you handle it and the immediacy/seriousness of the threat.

wanting

My heart really goes out to you both. I can't imagine.

I agree that suicide threats should be taken seriously.

subjugated

My husband has done this with me after he was feeling depressed from drinking too much a few nights earlier.

I think a suicide threat is beyond our realm. Call the police or a mental health crisis team (which is what I did). God that made me feel GOOD!

Funny, the next day he said he felt embarrassed about his tearful outburst. I don't think he expected me to get out the big guns.

Nightmare21

I would believe he's using this in a mulipitive way and I was tempted to not answer any of his calls. But I haven't heard anything back from him since that one phone call on the 24th. Should I be worried? He wasn't in the greatest state when I last saw him. Why do I let myself worry for his well being.

naive

i can relate, nightmare. for many of us, the imminent death of our alcoholic is a very real possibility. either the disease might get them or they could very well do something dangerous whilst under the influence.

for myself, whilst i love him and still do, i had to face the fact that the dis-ease of alcohol would take me down too. and, i love myself too.

for me, it's finding the balance between loving myself and loving an alcoholic.

self-love is not selfish. in understanding the progressive nature of alcohol, i had to make a choice to save myself.

JenT1968

Following my parent's divorce, 16 years ago, my mother was severely depressed. During this period she rattled some sleeping pills down the phone at me and talked about killing herself in general terms so not saying "I am going to kill myself with these tablets now", then put the phone down and refused to pick up.

I had no idea what to do, after 5 mins I rang the ambulance service and let them know this (I was 100-odd miles away at the time, it was my only option), I kept ringing her, she picked up the phone and was incandescent that her stupid daughter had got the idea that she was going to kill herself from the above behaviour and told me to cancel the ambulance: turns out you can't cancel an ambulance, they turned up and assessed her, she was beyond embarrassed, and very angry with me but she never, ever, did that again, and she is still with us now, happy and healthy, having healed from that horrible depression.

Ringing the professionals is a win-win situation, and there aren't that many of them, if they are a real threat to themselves, the people who can spot that and really HELP are involved, if they are attempting to manipulate you, they get to feel the full on consequences of their threats, and you are not involved either way.

My mother was genuinely depressed, she may often have harboured suicidal thoughts, but the point of that particular exchange was not a "cry for help", however, it was only after I got the profesionals involved that this became apparent.

Would I do anything differently this time? Not much, in fact if someone was in the room with me and talked about suicide I would ring an ambulance. I wouldn't keep ringing her that's for sure, and in fact I told her that if she ever put the phone down on me again (she would do it multiple times in a phone call, whilst heaping enormous guilt and manipulation on me regarding her marriage) that I would assume that was because she no longer wanted to talk and I would therefore honour her wishes: she tried it ONCE more I stuck to my word.

RollTide

"for me, it's finding the balance between loving myself and loving an alcoholic."

Very well said, Naive.

nodaybut2day

I. Love. This.

Naive, you're brilliant. Thanks for those words.

ChrrisT

Of course he's not...

An alcoholic drug addict thief, living on the street with no money.

Does it get worse than this?

If your girlfriend asked your advise about this situation, what would you tell her??

Pelican

I don't know why you have not heard from your AH. I could speculate, but that is not in our best interest. I can share with you what a friend (social worker) told me to do when I expelled my AH from the family home and got silence in return.

I was consumed with thoughts of what is he doing, where is he (I do not know where he went, still don't). She told me to imagine that my AH was involved in a DUI accident and was in a coma in ICU. Imagine he was not capable of communicating because the choice was taken away from him.

She also gave me another visual that I do not care to repeat, but resulted in my AH being locked up.

These imagine-ings seemed odd at the time. But they helped me stop my stinking thinking. My stinking thinking had all types of scenarios going through my head. He is with another woman....He is in a drunken stupor....It was like a non-stop horror show in my head. I felt agitated, anxious, frustrated, and exhausted. My mind was imagining my worst fears. My friend was helping me to go ahead and face my worst fears.

When I imagined the most horrific of scenarios, I realized this:
I was not in control of the addict.
I needed to let go of the addict and give the addict to my HP.
I needed to give the outcome to my HP.
I needed to stay in the present and take care of ME.
I was going to be ok.

((((Nightmare21))))
You are not alone right now. You have your SR family and your face-to-face support. We care about you!!