FreeingMyself

AH has been coming by in the evenings to see the kids, which has been go great. We get along during these short stints, and talk w/ the kids. Well, tonight we attempt a discussion about "the situation". And as I suspected, it didn't go well. We were both in agreement that we do not "live" well together....but then as the discussion went on he was explaining to me that it was all about me wanting control etc. He has to go mooch off friend for a place to live while I "figure it out.". It is all up to me......the guilt KILLS me! In my mind I know I am doing the right thing, I started rereading old posts just to keep my head in reality, but he takes absolutely 0, nada, zilch blame for any of this. He even remarked that I had said that I wasn't going to let him walk on me anymore......which I did say, but then he finished it with me saying someting like and "you'll get yours." OK...so I never said that....I have just simply stated that he will not walk on me anymore. The conversation went on, and he as always AMAZINGLY forgets some of the nasty things he has said.....and claims oh I never said that. It makes my feel crazy when he does that!!!! I think he forgets half of what actually happens, then makes up whatever he wants! He just drives me so freaking crazy!!!! As I said in a previous post though, this is probablly a good thing because he isn't even trying to pretend to be doing anything to make things better...which keeps it in reality and reminds me WHY I AM DOING WHAT I AM DOING!!!

dollydo

He is doing what Alcoholics and Addicts do. Deflect, lie and manipulate, they are masters of these skills. They have selective memories, by choice, in an attempt to confuse and breakdown their counterpart, they do this with malice and forthought.

Keep your direction, your resolve, don't fall for his BS.

You deserve so much more don't let your self imposed guilt ruin your future, he just is not worth it...Right?

LexieCat

True, it's comforting when we realize that we really AREN'T imagining things.

Keep doing those reality checks. You can never force someone else to see/admit the truth, but you can keep seeing, and acknowledging it to yourself.

And, whether you said it or not, he WILL get his. But you don't have to be the one to give it to him.

Freedom1990

I've followed your posts for quite some time, my dear.

He comes to see the kids, and you say that goes great.

What is the purpose in having a discussion about "the situation" while he's there to visit the kids?

He's not going to change.

Trying to engage in a meaningful, rational conversation with an active alcoholic is nothing short of insanity. It just doesn't happen.

Is there any reason you can't just keep it at him seeing the kids for the evening, and that's it?

His going to mooch off of a friend is the direct result of his actions. Throw the guilt back where it belongs, hon...with him. The guilt is not yours to accept.

That's how this disease works. The guilt we are feeling isn't even our own, and we don't even realize it. The active alcoholic cannot deal with all those crappy emotions, so he twists and turns and manipulates until the emotion is passed on to the other party.

Toss it back over to his side. Release it.

Still Waters

This x 10000.

It is never their fault, it's not 10% or 30% or any % their fault. And if they ever do admit to any fault, it's a manipulation tool. (not referring to recovering A's here).

Jadmack25

The Blame Game is played with such fervour by them because otherwise it would be them centre stage in the Shame Game, and they cannot take it.

Remember when he does this he is QUACKING. It is all he can do, put it on to others as he is incapable of seeing, believing or speaking the truth.

Think of him as a duck.
If a duck waddled up and started quacking at you, would you keep listening, or worse try to understand it? NO?

OK, next time he starts quacking, imagine him as a whacky, quacky duck.

Try not to end up rolling on the floor laughing, and just let his cr*p go past you.

God bless

suki44883

I too have followed your story for quite a long time. I'm not sure what there is left to discuss with him regarding "the situation." You have attempted to live together several times and it always ends up the same way. He is not going to change and unless you are willing to accept him as he is right now, then "the situation" won't change, either. Rehashing it won't do any good. Make your decision to either stay in the marriage or leave. At some point, you need to either be done or learn to live with it.

Hammerhead

FreeingMyself... all the stages of the breakdown of my marriage... I experienced the same quacking from my now ex. The blame game got so bad that I actually kept a journal of the "exact" words he said and what I said... just as soon as anything was said.... just so I could keep my head on straight.

Fastforward to current day... been divorced since February this year. I've started a new journal with a new outlook on life. If I stop to give any reflection to the past...I realize now more than ever... life is too short to waste one precious moment on anything that remotely resembles chaos.

Alcoholism and addiction is pure chaos.

Ditto Freedom... He's not going to change!

Keep the faith.... one step at a time.

wicked

I wanted to quote Freedom here because she said it so well.
FreeingMyself, do you know the definition of insanity?
Ii is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

You are not an alcoholic, you husband is an abusive alcoholic.
You are living, he is the walking dead, a zombie. (I speak from experience on this).
My last night of drinking my blood was drawn and it was .279.
I was walking and talking as a normal person would, the MPs and nurses at the hospital did not think I was that drunk, but I was, I was always drunk, even when I wasnt drunk.

Your zombie is always operating on a certain level of alcohol in his blood, you will never be having the same conversation about the situation.
You are talking about two different situations.
Yours is about him being an abusive alcoholic.
His is about being unfair to him when all he wants to do is drink like he wants.
Give up trying to convince him of anything, you never will.
Never, ever convince him of anything.

Beth

gerryP

You are beating a dead horse.