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so. freaking. triggered. this morning, when my chihuahua puppy escaped from the back yard again (how the hell is that guy getting out?) I spent the time I was suppose to be showering and getting ready chasing Bubba. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I picked up AH, and we set off for our kids championship swim meet in the next town. I NEVER go there anymore, not since I moved out and left him. I loved this town, it's funky, progressive, old historic houses. As we passed from the town we currently live in, into the town where he had his affair, where we lost our house, where he drank away everything, we passed so many landmarks I can't even believe it. He openly stared at every one of them. Oh look! there's the bar where you used to meet that ******* *****! And there's the bar where you took off and went to meet her at the work party after lying to me. I cried for days after that and you were a total jerk to me. And there's your old bosses house, where you met her for that party the night you came home and told me what a piece of **** I am and you're divorcing me-that was before I knew you had a girlfriend you worthless selfish *****. I can't believe we just did that tour of his affair like that, together, with him openly staring at all of his favorite old watering holes. While our children cried and begged him to stop drinking, he was there with her. Waht kind of idiot am I?!? Why on earth do I keep trying to make things work wtih him?? He doesn't deserve to lick my shoes/ By the time we arrived at our sons swim meet it was all I could do to keep from just punching him in the face, the rush of resentment and anger was that strong.. Luckily, I turned right around to come back and shower and pack up the food for the day. Thank you Bubba the chihuahua puppy I foolishly tried to reconcile with him recently. it ended badly, waht surprise, when I tried to intervene with his drinking plans because OW was going to be at the beer fest. then he turned on me, criticizing me with all kinds of made up ****. And do you konw what i did??? I FELT BAD. THAT'S HOW STUPID AND SICK I AM. I listened to his crap about my "lifestyle" how he doesn't agree with my work, and how I didn't "have his back" when he was trying to fix the car. I needed him to give a **** about the fact that OW was going to be there, and he bailed as usual and turned it on me AND I BOUGHT IT!!! you ******* ******* you turned it all on me again and i ******* bought it. I should have run you over with the car when i had the chance. I'm so angry right now. I'm going to take a clonipin, a shower and head back over there to support my son, ignore asshat and try to enjoy my ******* birthday. By the time I return, this will be hanging in cyber space and I'll be fine, I'm sure. I am SO ready to be free of this madness. I am SO ready to NOT buy into his insanity any more and get on with my life. That guy can only offer me confusion, pain and anger. Period. I don't care what the packaging looks like:headbange:headbange |
You really, really, REALLY need to get your own car. |
I AM WORKING ON IT. Anyone want to sell me one for $500? |
It is a fact that certain situations can take you back to exactly where you were mentally if you go there. It sounds like that is what happened. It is time to put him on ignore. hugs.. |
$500 would be a fairly decent down payment at a small used car lot. |
Ah. That's better. Pharmacueticals: they work when your self esteem doesn't. See? Nothing to look at here. No running over with the car. No punching of the face. Just smiles, and picture taking of the kids, and cheering and not bothered one iota by emotional contortionist boy. Suki, my credit is shot from the foreclosure and I can't afford a car payment anyway as I'm self employed and my income fluctuates too much to get a loan. I"m moving over the next two weeks and am also working on getting a car. It'll come. for now, I need to be strategic and just not be near him. |
Have faith, a friend of mine in Alanon just left her ah, and they only had one car. So a co-worker of hers GAVE her her old spare car. It's a beater, but the price was just right. Hang in there Tf. I see your sense of humor is STILL intact, that's a good sign. Thanks and God bless us all, Coyote |
Hugs!! you did well given the circumstances!! Ah...anger. Such a relief, i like anger. I have done similar things against me, put myself as a doormat then WELCOME people to step on me and be grateful they choose me as a doormat and not some other doormat. IT is a blessing to realize that behavior and start to be DONE. It is called Perspective..... a step towards Sanity... hey, I could still be there, still being a doormat and not posting here because I'm "happy" there. UGHH! Are you divorcing him yet? sorry to ask so bluntly. |
Hi Guys The meet was fantastic, my littlest guy took first on one of his heats, an amazing feat for a chubby little boy who has never competed in anything, ever. He's getting stronger and more focused. I'm one proud mamma. And my middle boy, the one with the oozing third degree burns on his forearm, worked the food tent and bossed everyone around. I don't know where he gets that from. Giant Crybaby was asked to be a timer, so he stood at the end of a lane, with a screaming hangover, while parents and coaches and grandparents and friends cheered and hollered and it all echoed inside the auditiorium. In the seering heat. For five hours. He kept texting me, wanting first gum, then water. Sorry, I said. I'm busy. Too bad I'm not just a doormat like his affair partner, because the quick switch from hostile to demanding and needy just doesn't work. Not today Zerg. Soon, I won't care. Soon, once again, I might take the stuff to him just because it's a nice thing to do and not be resentful or really care about him one way or another. Soon, he'll just be, once again, a person that is deserving of basic respect and if I have the time I'll take him the water or gum, without really give a rats ass about him, his issues or any of his drama. Soon, my pretties. Soooooon.... |
Breathe :) .... Just wanted to send you a cyber hug ... sounds like you need one today. Hope you get to enjoy the rest of your birthday :) |
Big bear hug, Transform. Take a deep breath and bask in the wonder of your amazing kids! :) Please stop beating yourself up. You are not an idiot.
Originally Posted by transformyself
(Post 2663950)
I am SO ready to be free of this madness. I am SO ready to NOT buy into his insanity any more and get on with my life. That guy can only offer me confusion, pain and anger. Period. I don't care what the packaging looks like In case it's helpful: I got over the thoughts of how gorgeous my STBX was (was being the operable word here) by remembering his face as he yelled and yelled and yelled at our amazing little boy when he was learning to stand up and walk for knocking over the drinks that he was hiding on the floor by the couch, by remembering what he looked like as he yelled down in my face that I was a frigid b----, by remembering how he looked and smelled after a few solid days of knocking back the beer and vodka and chasing it with milk because the vodka was giving him hearburn or a stomach ache. (Ewwww) There's more, but I won't bore you. I hope your able to enjoy the remainder of your birthday.:day1 |
The meet was fantastic, my littlest guy took first on one of his heats, an amazing feat for a chubby little boy who has never competed in anything, ever. He's getting stronger and more focused. I'm one proud mamma. And my middle boy, the one with the oozing third degree burns on his forearm, worked the food tent and bossed everyone around. I don't know where he gets that from. Soon, my pretties. Soooooon.... bwa ha ha ha ha ha ! Oh and Happy Birthday! :a122: |
Ah. That's better. Pharmacueticals: they work when your self esteem doesn't. - I believe this is the addicts' motto... How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving. |
Soon, once again, I might take the stuff to him just because Giant Crybaby was asked to be a timer, so he stood at the end of a lane, with a screaming hangover, it sounds like it turned out to be great day. There will be more. :You_Rock_ |
Used cars are still very high right now. I can't afford one either. Nor can I get a loan. I feel your pain. |
That saying that "revenge is mine" comes to my mind whenever I hear a drinker admit to "being unwell", or the oldie "I think it's the Flu"......yeah right, they bottle the bugs in booze now. It IS A HANGOVER, FROM YOU DRINKING. Thank you God. You sound like another hug couldn't hurt, so Tranny http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...ng/hug_061.jpg God bless |
re:gum, water etc...he can learn to anticipate his needs and provide for himself, personally I wouldn't ever play fetch again. |
Oy, Transform, what a headache. So sorry that you had to deal with that on your BIRTHDAY. Of course you would, though, because if it wasn't something that was about him then he would most like do SOMETHING to MAKE it about him. I've been there. This year, as a single gal, I had the BEST birthday EVER. I counted on no one but myself to make it that way, and--wah-lah!!--there emerged fabulous people in my life who wanted to celebrate me! Not that you were necessarily counting on him to make it about you, but clearly he helped to reinforce that it can't be about you for one single moment. Let him have his stinking landmarks. You have a wild and precious life ahead of you, full of all of the promise you could possibly imagine. Congratulations on your kiddos being so wonderful, and my wish for you is that by your NEXT birthday you have your own car and nothing to do with people who are not invested in you being all you can and want to be. Hugs, posie |
Hi Everyone Does anyone else sometimes have a hard time with not being able to hang out with all of you IRL? All these hugs, gracious, I'm so grateful. Thank you. The rest of my birthday was wonderful. I napped on the couch with the dogs until my sister came over and watched Star Trek the movie with me. What glorious eye candy that movie has. She also gave me a coupon for: Birthday dinner dead squirrel birthday cake or two kicks to the shin She's funny like that. I love her. And today I feel just fine about AH. No strong feelings one way or the other. Have a meeting with my business partner, am feeling motivated to pack and move, not overwhelmed. I think the lack of sleep was affecting my emotions. Ya think? Thanks to everyone for all the love. I wish we could all have a BBQ. For now, I'm just doing what I need to do to make my life better, in the moment. Those triggers were exhausting, and I am back to focusing on myself. my kids, my job. me me me.... Love, Transformie |
Lack of sleep puts me in a bad place! Love your sis's wit! I am all for the bar-b-q! Glad you got to enjoy and are feeling better! Do you rapid cycle? |
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