You all are right. I was always alone anyway.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You all are right. I was always alone anyway.
I am ill and working from home.
I still cook and share my stuff with STBXNABF (soon to be ex non alcoholic BF)
Today he arrives early.
I ask him to get some groceries.
He says he will get wet. Right. So its better if I go then??
He says fine he will go, but he will go using my car. Because it is "my things".
I say no, use your car. Why, he asks. I say, because I feel bad when I lend you my car.
Then he asks me for money.
I give him money.
I ask him to carry a green bag not to waste plastic bags.
He says it "doesn't look good" and he won't do it.
I remember all of you SR guys and truth dawns upon me.
I feel bad with myself for choosing this . If I had been healthier I wouldn't have wasted my time, energy or resources on an endless pit. Various endless pits... I am very angry with myself
I still cook and share my stuff with STBXNABF (soon to be ex non alcoholic BF)
Today he arrives early.
I ask him to get some groceries.
He says he will get wet. Right. So its better if I go then??
He says fine he will go, but he will go using my car. Because it is "my things".
I say no, use your car. Why, he asks. I say, because I feel bad when I lend you my car.
Then he asks me for money.
I give him money.
I ask him to carry a green bag not to waste plastic bags.
He says it "doesn't look good" and he won't do it.
I remember all of you SR guys and truth dawns upon me.
I feel bad with myself for choosing this . If I had been healthier I wouldn't have wasted my time, energy or resources on an endless pit. Various endless pits... I am very angry with myself
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I was going to edit this because it sounds too bossy, but have decided against it. For now, know that I mean this lovingly:
Stop that. Stop beating your pretty head against the wall. HP is so glad you've asked for help and is showing you reality. You're ready for it and now you can take back your life.
Be bold.
Stop that. Stop beating your pretty head against the wall. HP is so glad you've asked for help and is showing you reality. You're ready for it and now you can take back your life.
Be bold.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I feel bad with myself for choosing this . If I had been healthier I wouldn't have wasted my time, energy or resources on an endless pit. Various endless pits... I am very angry with myself
If you keep banging your head, you will shut your "third eye".
You are beginning to see with this all knowing eye, dont shut it now.
Life is a learning process.
Take this as a lesson, and move on.
You have the intelligence, the wit, the beauty, the style to do whatever it is you want.
It is all in you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Taking, you are never alone. You have HP and all of us at SR and everyone attempting recovery thru Al Anon or other programs.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Tomorrow is a new day. Every moment is a new chance.
I was feeling humiliated earlier:ghug3 today but feel better this evening all because of SR and the many wonderful women who empower me through their life stories of change and renewal.
BIG HUG!!!
Soph
You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Tomorrow is a new day. Every moment is a new chance.
I was feeling humiliated earlier:ghug3 today but feel better this evening all because of SR and the many wonderful women who empower me through their life stories of change and renewal.
BIG HUG!!!
Soph
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks for your kind words.
Another eyeopening moment, on Sat we were supposed to celebrate his new job. He said he would invite me.
We ended up in a more posh place and ended up splitting bills. Oh oh, I was half done with my Caprese salad when he asked "shall we leave?". I told him "what do the signs around you tell you?? that I am DONE and ready?" SHEESH! I can't believe this is my "man".
Oh what happened was this, I was dressed up and felt fine with myself. I looked great in my opinion! new flattering clothes and having done Pilates and kick boxing, it is impressive how they help specially regarding posture.
When we arrived, BF asks if there is a table near a TV.
I stared.
The waitress(not sure how they call the person that greets you in a restaurant..) said "TV? you are supposed to be with the lady".
....
That was another moment where I felt ashamed of having that company.
Today that is showing.
Today my cats made a mess on some sleeping bags BF is using. I washed them. Am using my bed now. He is not welcome and now sleeping almost on the floor. I was going to tell him to come over, but what for? as if he would say thanks anyway.
I love my therapist as she is showing me how it could be like. The other day she asked if I wouldn't like for someone with a good car to invite me to a good restaurant and treat me like a lady ? Again I got all teary with that question. Just thinking that no one healthy has done that for me. That I do not feel 'good enough' for something so small
It feels great to have someone offer alternatives, I know I am too stuck with what I know or have known so far.
Another eyeopening moment, on Sat we were supposed to celebrate his new job. He said he would invite me.
We ended up in a more posh place and ended up splitting bills. Oh oh, I was half done with my Caprese salad when he asked "shall we leave?". I told him "what do the signs around you tell you?? that I am DONE and ready?" SHEESH! I can't believe this is my "man".
Oh what happened was this, I was dressed up and felt fine with myself. I looked great in my opinion! new flattering clothes and having done Pilates and kick boxing, it is impressive how they help specially regarding posture.
When we arrived, BF asks if there is a table near a TV.
I stared.
The waitress(not sure how they call the person that greets you in a restaurant..) said "TV? you are supposed to be with the lady".
....
That was another moment where I felt ashamed of having that company.
Today that is showing.
Today my cats made a mess on some sleeping bags BF is using. I washed them. Am using my bed now. He is not welcome and now sleeping almost on the floor. I was going to tell him to come over, but what for? as if he would say thanks anyway.
I love my therapist as she is showing me how it could be like. The other day she asked if I wouldn't like for someone with a good car to invite me to a good restaurant and treat me like a lady ? Again I got all teary with that question. Just thinking that no one healthy has done that for me. That I do not feel 'good enough' for something so small
It feels great to have someone offer alternatives, I know I am too stuck with what I know or have known so far.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, TC. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're intelligent, you do not hesitate to help others, you work when you're sick (I hope you at least took it rather easy 
), you're realizing that you're worth more attention that you've received from this guy, you're taking care of yourself (I love Pilates and always wanted to try kickboxing!), I could go on and on and I've only known you from SR.
It's definitely a process rebuilding self-esteem, I completely know that. I've been gone from my STBXAH for 2 years and I'm still trying to reclaim mine. You can see where you're stuck now and that's a huge accomplishment in and of itself. You'll get there.
By the way, IMO, just because you've been dating this guy, doesn't mean you have to keep dating this guy if he's not able to meet you even part way on what you need from the relationship.
More hugs, TC.
), you're realizing that you're worth more attention that you've received from this guy, you're taking care of yourself (I love Pilates and always wanted to try kickboxing!), I could go on and on and I've only known you from SR.It's definitely a process rebuilding self-esteem, I completely know that. I've been gone from my STBXAH for 2 years and I'm still trying to reclaim mine. You can see where you're stuck now and that's a huge accomplishment in and of itself. You'll get there.
By the way, IMO, just because you've been dating this guy, doesn't mean you have to keep dating this guy if he's not able to meet you even part way on what you need from the relationship.
More hugs, TC.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi tc-
in therapy, i am discovering that what i attract into my life has it's roots in what i experienced as a child. my therapist encourages me to go back and feel what "little naive" felt when these things occurred.
for example, xABF was always waking me early and disrupting my sleep. he was also very invasive of my privacy. looking back in time, i can see how my father didn't respect my sleep nor my personal space. it's interesting to note that i have weak boundaries in this regard as an adult.
so, i guess my question to you for yourself, can you recall "little takingcharge" ever being treated as stbnabf is now treating you?
my therapist gently encourages me to feel what little miss naive felt. it's one thing to understand it mentally but another altogether to feel it emotionally. she says if i feel into it, that i can set the energy straight and find my voice today.
in therapy, i am discovering that what i attract into my life has it's roots in what i experienced as a child. my therapist encourages me to go back and feel what "little naive" felt when these things occurred.
for example, xABF was always waking me early and disrupting my sleep. he was also very invasive of my privacy. looking back in time, i can see how my father didn't respect my sleep nor my personal space. it's interesting to note that i have weak boundaries in this regard as an adult.
so, i guess my question to you for yourself, can you recall "little takingcharge" ever being treated as stbnabf is now treating you?
my therapist gently encourages me to feel what little miss naive felt. it's one thing to understand it mentally but another altogether to feel it emotionally. she says if i feel into it, that i can set the energy straight and find my voice today.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
naive, I recall another wise post of yours, where we talked about needs. We need similar things. Silence and LOTS of moments alone, is where I feel safe and grow and feel spiritual and eager to be honest...
Yes. totally... yesterday I talked to my dad now in Finland doing his life with his wife... which is all very nice, but I recall how he has expected me to solve everything by myself.
I recall in one of the weekends with him, I was not able to tie my shoes and he got very angry because we were late for something. I was too small, it was on him to plan the timings. I guess he was frustrated because he spent so little time with us he did not know how raising a child was like. There is where I TC, learn that I am supposed to do things better than what I am doing, that I'm slow and not capable (gosh I so see that in my jobs) that its my fault, and that I have to do things by myself without help. What a gem !!
I cried while posting that and I feel the need to keep on. I am trying to imagine that and also me as I am now, setting the image straight and helping myself. Excuse me while i have a moment here
Thanks for encouraging me, naive. I recall your story and you have grown so much. We were suffering a great deal at the same time and now look at us taking time to heal :ghug3.
Yes. totally... yesterday I talked to my dad now in Finland doing his life with his wife... which is all very nice, but I recall how he has expected me to solve everything by myself.
I recall in one of the weekends with him, I was not able to tie my shoes and he got very angry because we were late for something. I was too small, it was on him to plan the timings. I guess he was frustrated because he spent so little time with us he did not know how raising a child was like. There is where I TC, learn that I am supposed to do things better than what I am doing, that I'm slow and not capable (gosh I so see that in my jobs) that its my fault, and that I have to do things by myself without help. What a gem !!
I cried while posting that and I feel the need to keep on. I am trying to imagine that and also me as I am now, setting the image straight and helping myself. Excuse me while i have a moment here
Thanks for encouraging me, naive. I recall your story and you have grown so much. We were suffering a great deal at the same time and now look at us taking time to heal :ghug3.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
it's a journey we're on and i'm grateful that we share it together.
at first, i wanted to point the finger at xABF but it's not about that any more. it's about me and how i lost my boundaries or first believed i have to "go it alone". when did i loose my voice? my healthy boundaries? why do i feel i can't rely on people? when did i become a victim or a doormat? when did i confuse physical violence and love?
and none of it has anything to do with xABF.
my therapist has asked me to think of "entitlement". what am i entitled to in a relationship? the mere thought of exploring this is daunting, as i learned a long time ago that i wasn't entitled to a voice, i wasn't entitled to emotional support, i wasn't entitled to an uninterupted sleep, i wasn't entitled to privacy, etc.
i can see now how little miss naive's false conclusions are affecting my relationships today. i do not want to repeat this cycle any longer. i really am done blaming someone else for being themselves.
and as i explore this further, i see that little miss naive is alive and well and still stoically taking care of everyone else except for little miss naive.
where did i learn to give, give, give and not take care of myself? where did i learn to let people invade my precious solitary time? where did i learn to "go it alone" and not speak up about my needs or feelings?
at first, i wanted to point the finger at xABF but it's not about that any more. it's about me and how i lost my boundaries or first believed i have to "go it alone". when did i loose my voice? my healthy boundaries? why do i feel i can't rely on people? when did i become a victim or a doormat? when did i confuse physical violence and love?
and none of it has anything to do with xABF.
my therapist has asked me to think of "entitlement". what am i entitled to in a relationship? the mere thought of exploring this is daunting, as i learned a long time ago that i wasn't entitled to a voice, i wasn't entitled to emotional support, i wasn't entitled to an uninterupted sleep, i wasn't entitled to privacy, etc.
i can see now how little miss naive's false conclusions are affecting my relationships today. i do not want to repeat this cycle any longer. i really am done blaming someone else for being themselves.
and as i explore this further, i see that little miss naive is alive and well and still stoically taking care of everyone else except for little miss naive.
where did i learn to give, give, give and not take care of myself? where did i learn to let people invade my precious solitary time? where did i learn to "go it alone" and not speak up about my needs or feelings?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
I am ill and working from home.
I still cook and share my stuff with STBXNABF (soon to be ex non alcoholic BF)
Today he arrives early.
I ask him to get some groceries.
He says he will get wet. Right. So its better if I go then??
He says fine he will go, but he will go using my car. Because it is "my things".
I say no, use your car. Why, he asks. I say, because I feel bad when I lend you my car.
Then he asks me for money.
I give him money.
I ask him to carry a green bag not to waste plastic bags.
He says it "doesn't look good" and he won't do it.
I remember all of you SR guys and truth dawns upon me.
I feel bad with myself for choosing this . If I had been healthier I wouldn't have wasted my time, energy or resources on an endless pit. Various endless pits... I am very angry with myself
I still cook and share my stuff with STBXNABF (soon to be ex non alcoholic BF)
Today he arrives early.
I ask him to get some groceries.
He says he will get wet. Right. So its better if I go then??
He says fine he will go, but he will go using my car. Because it is "my things".
I say no, use your car. Why, he asks. I say, because I feel bad when I lend you my car.
Then he asks me for money.
I give him money.
I ask him to carry a green bag not to waste plastic bags.
He says it "doesn't look good" and he won't do it.
I remember all of you SR guys and truth dawns upon me.
I feel bad with myself for choosing this . If I had been healthier I wouldn't have wasted my time, energy or resources on an endless pit. Various endless pits... I am very angry with myself
And on top of that you have to give him money and your car?
Dude is a major league ********, not to mention a loser.
What's he like when there are serious decisions/issues to be dealt with?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Hi TC
I've been keeping up with all of your posts.
And just playing devil advocate here:
Every story has 2 sides, right?
He's not an alcoholic, he's got these money and class issues.
But what do you LIKE about him? What are his strong points?
I b*itch about my RAH quite often, his list of stupid things he does and says seems endless.
But he also has great qualities that I love.
So my question is -
Are you using this forum as a B*tch session?
I'm trying not to sound like one (B), but if you are, that's cool, I'm all about venting.
Just maybe it would be good for you to define it.
I've been keeping up with all of your posts.
And just playing devil advocate here:
Every story has 2 sides, right?
He's not an alcoholic, he's got these money and class issues.
But what do you LIKE about him? What are his strong points?
I b*itch about my RAH quite often, his list of stupid things he does and says seems endless.
But he also has great qualities that I love.
So my question is -
Are you using this forum as a B*tch session?
I'm trying not to sound like one (B), but if you are, that's cool, I'm all about venting.
Just maybe it would be good for you to define it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Sweetie,
Go on dates only when they treat you right and cherish your company and treat you like a lady. Easy to dump early on, harder later...but you deserve the very best!
Practice, act as if and it will be...
hugs!
Go on dates only when they treat you right and cherish your company and treat you like a lady. Easy to dump early on, harder later...but you deserve the very best!
Practice, act as if and it will be...
hugs!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
"Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better" ~ Albert Camus
That part of my life was more like -
"I wanted to be in a good relationship.
Those good relationships that are strong and substantive never happened for me, and that prolonged my indecisiveness" ~ Diane Keaton
Now my life is -
"My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence." ~ Edith Sitwell
That part of my life was more like -
"I wanted to be in a good relationship.
Those good relationships that are strong and substantive never happened for me, and that prolonged my indecisiveness" ~ Diane Keaton
Now my life is -
"My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence." ~ Edith Sitwell
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