May the games begin
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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May the games begin
stbxah finally sent in his payment so we could start financial mediation (because he refused to talk to me about it). Got the list of mediators today, I weeded out one that would be a conflict and attorney selected 2 and sent them off to stbxah's attorney.
Still don't have the tax returns (I will need them to prepare for mediation) but the accountant called me and she is going to make copies and pop them in the mail tomorrow.
Older DS is staying with my BIL for the week because stbxah has not been paying child support so I only had money for younger DS's preschool. stbxah does not like my family-gee I wonder why. I emailed him what this week's arrangements are (I verified with my atty. that he cannot nix me taking older DS to my family for care for a week and she said that is fine). I told him I knew he did not like them but that I was not particularly fond of a family he takes the kids to because they allow him to drink when he has the kids--but that he is not around 99% of the time when they watch the kids (and he does not know older DS has the ER cell phone-he does know he has a phone but not its purpose).
I have been trying since yesterday to make pick up arrangements since he is the big baby with the giant diaper on (doing my visuals) and probably won't pick up older DS from my sister and BIL's house or will start a fight--and I don't want DS to have to deal with that. So told him when I would be home with DS tonight and when I leave tomorrow if he wants to drop off and pick up at my house. Also sent dates for the rest of the summer explaining that the programs the kids are going to are not in session and I would be making childcare arrangments on those days unless he wants to spend time with them.
So did I get an answer about pick up and drop off? No. Did I get an answer about spending time with the kids? No.
What do I get back-trying to compare the care my friend gives to the kids to what your family does is absurd. They took the time to babysit and learned about attachment disorder. Your family never watched them. Also, I only drank at their house once (boy we have all heard the only drank once story--sort of goes along with the I only had 2 drinks story).
My friend was there when my Dad died and your Mom died. Her Dad died and you did not tell me about it for 2 months so I had to make amends. You can thank God for the 2 times I blacked out and I don't care what the gossiping townies say about me. They will diss me not matter what.
I almost (almost) got sucked in.
Just emailed back, when will you pick up and drop off DS? Will you be taking the kids in August? The rest of your email is irrelevant to what I asked you. I will need to know about the August dates by August 1st so I can make childcare arrangements.
Still don't have the tax returns (I will need them to prepare for mediation) but the accountant called me and she is going to make copies and pop them in the mail tomorrow.
Older DS is staying with my BIL for the week because stbxah has not been paying child support so I only had money for younger DS's preschool. stbxah does not like my family-gee I wonder why. I emailed him what this week's arrangements are (I verified with my atty. that he cannot nix me taking older DS to my family for care for a week and she said that is fine). I told him I knew he did not like them but that I was not particularly fond of a family he takes the kids to because they allow him to drink when he has the kids--but that he is not around 99% of the time when they watch the kids (and he does not know older DS has the ER cell phone-he does know he has a phone but not its purpose).
I have been trying since yesterday to make pick up arrangements since he is the big baby with the giant diaper on (doing my visuals) and probably won't pick up older DS from my sister and BIL's house or will start a fight--and I don't want DS to have to deal with that. So told him when I would be home with DS tonight and when I leave tomorrow if he wants to drop off and pick up at my house. Also sent dates for the rest of the summer explaining that the programs the kids are going to are not in session and I would be making childcare arrangments on those days unless he wants to spend time with them.
So did I get an answer about pick up and drop off? No. Did I get an answer about spending time with the kids? No.
What do I get back-trying to compare the care my friend gives to the kids to what your family does is absurd. They took the time to babysit and learned about attachment disorder. Your family never watched them. Also, I only drank at their house once (boy we have all heard the only drank once story--sort of goes along with the I only had 2 drinks story).
My friend was there when my Dad died and your Mom died. Her Dad died and you did not tell me about it for 2 months so I had to make amends. You can thank God for the 2 times I blacked out and I don't care what the gossiping townies say about me. They will diss me not matter what.
I almost (almost) got sucked in.
Just emailed back, when will you pick up and drop off DS? Will you be taking the kids in August? The rest of your email is irrelevant to what I asked you. I will need to know about the August dates by August 1st so I can make childcare arrangements.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Ugh. I remember this b.s.
With the help of SR, I eventually turned my communication with XAH to point form. Whenever he would ask *again* about a date I'd already mentioned, I'd just forward the initial email with the header "See below". I aimed for as few words as possible with him, as I tend to be very verbose, and I did my best to change my language so I sounded less...I dunno, needy or victim-y.
Stuff like "I need to know if you're seeing DD by this or that date because I have to find alternate childcare" turned into "If I do not receive confirmation that you are seeing DD by 5 p.m. on X date, visitation is cancelled".
Good for you for not getting sucked in!
With the help of SR, I eventually turned my communication with XAH to point form. Whenever he would ask *again* about a date I'd already mentioned, I'd just forward the initial email with the header "See below". I aimed for as few words as possible with him, as I tend to be very verbose, and I did my best to change my language so I sounded less...I dunno, needy or victim-y.
Stuff like "I need to know if you're seeing DD by this or that date because I have to find alternate childcare" turned into "If I do not receive confirmation that you are seeing DD by 5 p.m. on X date, visitation is cancelled".
Good for you for not getting sucked in!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Yep, Noday is absolutely right. Give him until XX day to respond and if he doesn't, then make alternate plans. The more you put the ball in his court, the more he's going to string you along, just hoping to make things more difficult for you. He can play all the games he wants, but you do not have to participate.
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Thanks for the tips of changing the wording. That is very useful. Unfortunately I cannot cancel visitation if he does not respond. I would be in contempt. If he just did not show (and I gave him ample time) and we went somewhere-then that would be a different story.
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I see...if you cannot cancel visitation, then make the arrangements as convenient as possible to you, and let him find ways to make it happen. The kids are "available" to him, but on your terms, as you would have provided ample room for modification of schedule and logistics. And then communicate all this in a robotic, point form fashion. It seems to deflate even the most empassioned/vengeful ex. 
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
I see...if you cannot cancel visitation, then make the arrangements as convenient as possible to you, and let him find ways to make it happen. The kids are "available" to him, but on your terms, as you would have provided ample room for modification of schedule and logistics. And then communicate all this in a robotic, point form fashion. It seems to deflate even the most empassioned/vengeful ex.
It does take the wind out of their sails.
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Did that yesterday. Unfortunately, he could not take his crap out on me so he took it out older DS and basically was a lunatic the entire visit. I heard him start in on DS as soon as he got in the car. He is mad because older DS is staying at my sister and BIL's house and does not like them. Tough noogies.
stbxah is a coward and a bully. He cannot beat up on me anymore (verbally) so he has decided to target older DS. Have to give DS credit-he totally blew him off. He said he was getting mad and he could feel it in his brain--but decided it was not worth getting in a fight so just said nothing. Yay for him for doing this. Boo, that he should even have to. He was happy to be home this morning and told me he never wanted to go to his Dad's again. I reminded him that he has had some good weeks and he said he did not care. Just because his Dad took him some place fun did not mean he was not mean--and then reminded me that he had taken younger DS on a roller coaster (which terrified him) and then left younger DS with the person who ran the roller coaster so he and older DS could go on other roller coasters. Older DS said he wanted to tell his Dad that they should not leave younger DS alone but was afraid stbxah would yell at him. Time to talk to the lawyer again.
But older DS was extremely happy when he got to go to be with my BIL when I went to work this morning. Someone who actually shows him unconditional love.
stbxah is a coward and a bully. He cannot beat up on me anymore (verbally) so he has decided to target older DS. Have to give DS credit-he totally blew him off. He said he was getting mad and he could feel it in his brain--but decided it was not worth getting in a fight so just said nothing. Yay for him for doing this. Boo, that he should even have to. He was happy to be home this morning and told me he never wanted to go to his Dad's again. I reminded him that he has had some good weeks and he said he did not care. Just because his Dad took him some place fun did not mean he was not mean--and then reminded me that he had taken younger DS on a roller coaster (which terrified him) and then left younger DS with the person who ran the roller coaster so he and older DS could go on other roller coasters. Older DS said he wanted to tell his Dad that they should not leave younger DS alone but was afraid stbxah would yell at him. Time to talk to the lawyer again.
But older DS was extremely happy when he got to go to be with my BIL when I went to work this morning. Someone who actually shows him unconditional love.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
I know it's especially tough when the kids don't really want to go to visitation but the spouse is adamant about it to the point where it's no longer about the kids, it's about their own ego. I dealt with that for several years when my daughter was younger. My ex was a control freak with an inflated ego. The thing is, once my daughter was older, he was the one who cancelled visitation quite often because he had other things to do, which suited my daughter just fine. Once she became a legal adult, she even had her last name changed to my maiden name, which I went back to when he and I divorced. She had talked about doing it fairly often when she was younger, but the fact that she actually did it did surprise me.
So, kids can see through things sometimes more than we give them credit for. I don't know the ages of your boys, but as they get older, they very well may decide that they don't want to spend time with their dad. While I think that is sad, I certainly understand it. Hang in there. Things will work out.
So, kids can see through things sometimes more than we give them credit for. I don't know the ages of your boys, but as they get older, they very well may decide that they don't want to spend time with their dad. While I think that is sad, I certainly understand it. Hang in there. Things will work out.
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It is the same with stbxah--all his ego and a "I'll show you!" sort of attitude. Even younger DS has asked if he really has to go to Daddy's house. stbxah thinks i "fed them this crap". I never say anything to them about their Dad except to tell them that I am sure their Dad loves them. I won't make excuses for his behavior though.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
What is going on right now is temporary. Right now, you have to pretty much toe the line so he has nothing to use against you in court. Once you get the final divorce, things may be quite a bit better. I know my ex got a heavy dose of reality dumped on him and he didn't get anywhere near what he felt he was entitled to. He sure made me jump through hoops though before it was all over. Turns out, he ended up having to pay not only his attorney's fees, but mine too. My attorney, his attorney and the Judge could all see what a jerk he really was, so he got knocked down a peg or two. I just love Karma. 
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