Blast from the past.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Blast from the past.
So, it's been awhile since I've shown my face around here, and it's mainly because I've moved on from my ex-abf! Yay! Serenity's finally found me, it seems, and it's been wonderful. I started seeing a therapist and have begun attacking my own issues instead of being consumed with other people's, and it's honestly been like this ridiculous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I had a bit of a setback yesterday, though, and felt pretty disappointed with myself. Looking back on it a day later, though, has given me a different perspective.
I had a book that belongs to the ex that I keep making mental notes to mail back to him. Had his address from prior convos, but no apartment number. I found him online and asked him for the apt # so I could mail him the book back. He gave it to me, then said to just keep the book, pass on the knowledge. Fair enough. I thanked him. The next thing I know, he's bringing up the e-mail that he'd sent me five months ago when we last spoke and I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, as long as he's drinking.
(Note: We'd been conversing, got into yet another argument, it wasn't unlike any other one we'd had, but something inside me had finally had it, I was done, and I told him so. Just, that was it. I don't want anything to do with you, when you drink, you're a monster, find someone else to verbally assault, because it's not going to be me anymore." Delete, delete, delete. He then wrote me an e-mail at work, still carrying on, being a jerk, which promptly got deleted with no response, and that was that. We'd not spoken since. I started seeing a therapist, and focusing on myself.)
Anyway, he brings up this e-mail and how hateful and mean he was, and how gross that e-mail to me was, and I just kept cool, and said, "No worries, I'm not here to rehash the past." So far so good, right? Then he busts it out:
"I wish you and I could have worked out, but things just happen sometimes."
Really? Things just happen sometimes, huh? All of a sudden, I'm angry, frustrated, hurt. He's really going to talk to me as if we're just two normal people who couldn't make it work? Maybe it didn't work because you spent every single night ripped, maybe because of that, we didn't have a chance. Hmm. That could be it. Rawr! I kindly told him that's not really how I saw it, I think there were many contributing factors, as it were. He basically told me he thought I was wrong, after all, he'd been with "Ellen" for two years now, and they never fight! Not one fight! So, yeah, it was us, as two people, who just couldn't make it work, in his mind. (Not to be a wench here, but he's not been with Ellen for two years. He's been with her for six months. When he and I were together, we didn't fight at six months either. I guess at that time, I didn't know how bad his problem really was. And I'm sure she doesn't, either, not that it's my business.)
Details aside, it frustrated me to no end that he could sit there and recount things that happened with us in the past, in a joking manner, trying to make light of things, trying to keep the convo light, when there wasn't anything "light" about it. It was frustrating, it was hard, it was a mess. I spent many a night crying, being depressed, confused, wondering if I was going crazy. He was laughing about an incident saying how cute it was, for example, when we got downstairs of his apartment building, and I was "embarassed' and had to go upstairs and change my dress. This wasn't the case. The wind was blowing, I didn't want to flash my cash and prizes to the whole city, so I went up and changed. HE was embarassed of *me* because, to quote him, I was "over dressed for the ocassion, and he found it embarassing."
I digress. At the end of the conversation, I told him that the guy that I used to know, is someone I miss very much. I haven't seen him in ages, I told him. I told him that should he want to find me when he's sober, I'm here for him as his friend. He told me I hated him. I said of course I don't, I never have. He's like, "Just tell me to eff off." I said I cared for him, and I'm here, if he chooses sobriety one day, and that as a sober man, he's wonderful, and beautiful. I told him to take care. And that was that.
I feel pretty good about it. I don't feel the need to reach out anymore. I let God sort of take over, because there's no way I could ever bring that drama back into my life. I was miserable. I guess I was just more disappointed in myself that all that ugly came blowing back the second he wants to bring up the past. I wished he and Ellen well, and I can only really pray for his health and sobriety.
Just wanted to vent, guys. I appreciate your ears.
I had a bit of a setback yesterday, though, and felt pretty disappointed with myself. Looking back on it a day later, though, has given me a different perspective.
I had a book that belongs to the ex that I keep making mental notes to mail back to him. Had his address from prior convos, but no apartment number. I found him online and asked him for the apt # so I could mail him the book back. He gave it to me, then said to just keep the book, pass on the knowledge. Fair enough. I thanked him. The next thing I know, he's bringing up the e-mail that he'd sent me five months ago when we last spoke and I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore, as long as he's drinking.
(Note: We'd been conversing, got into yet another argument, it wasn't unlike any other one we'd had, but something inside me had finally had it, I was done, and I told him so. Just, that was it. I don't want anything to do with you, when you drink, you're a monster, find someone else to verbally assault, because it's not going to be me anymore." Delete, delete, delete. He then wrote me an e-mail at work, still carrying on, being a jerk, which promptly got deleted with no response, and that was that. We'd not spoken since. I started seeing a therapist, and focusing on myself.)
Anyway, he brings up this e-mail and how hateful and mean he was, and how gross that e-mail to me was, and I just kept cool, and said, "No worries, I'm not here to rehash the past." So far so good, right? Then he busts it out:
"I wish you and I could have worked out, but things just happen sometimes."
Really? Things just happen sometimes, huh? All of a sudden, I'm angry, frustrated, hurt. He's really going to talk to me as if we're just two normal people who couldn't make it work? Maybe it didn't work because you spent every single night ripped, maybe because of that, we didn't have a chance. Hmm. That could be it. Rawr! I kindly told him that's not really how I saw it, I think there were many contributing factors, as it were. He basically told me he thought I was wrong, after all, he'd been with "Ellen" for two years now, and they never fight! Not one fight! So, yeah, it was us, as two people, who just couldn't make it work, in his mind. (Not to be a wench here, but he's not been with Ellen for two years. He's been with her for six months. When he and I were together, we didn't fight at six months either. I guess at that time, I didn't know how bad his problem really was. And I'm sure she doesn't, either, not that it's my business.)
Details aside, it frustrated me to no end that he could sit there and recount things that happened with us in the past, in a joking manner, trying to make light of things, trying to keep the convo light, when there wasn't anything "light" about it. It was frustrating, it was hard, it was a mess. I spent many a night crying, being depressed, confused, wondering if I was going crazy. He was laughing about an incident saying how cute it was, for example, when we got downstairs of his apartment building, and I was "embarassed' and had to go upstairs and change my dress. This wasn't the case. The wind was blowing, I didn't want to flash my cash and prizes to the whole city, so I went up and changed. HE was embarassed of *me* because, to quote him, I was "over dressed for the ocassion, and he found it embarassing."
I digress. At the end of the conversation, I told him that the guy that I used to know, is someone I miss very much. I haven't seen him in ages, I told him. I told him that should he want to find me when he's sober, I'm here for him as his friend. He told me I hated him. I said of course I don't, I never have. He's like, "Just tell me to eff off." I said I cared for him, and I'm here, if he chooses sobriety one day, and that as a sober man, he's wonderful, and beautiful. I told him to take care. And that was that.
I feel pretty good about it. I don't feel the need to reach out anymore. I let God sort of take over, because there's no way I could ever bring that drama back into my life. I was miserable. I guess I was just more disappointed in myself that all that ugly came blowing back the second he wants to bring up the past. I wished he and Ellen well, and I can only really pray for his health and sobriety.
Just wanted to vent, guys. I appreciate your ears.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
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"I wish you and I could have worked out, but things just happen sometimes."
Yeah, my ex-husband did this too, in so many words, in the epic quacking email I posted on here a few days ago. It's called "not taking responsibility". They like to gloss everything over with the big pretty brush called "Things Just Didn't Work Out" so they don't have to look at how THEIR choices affected OUR choice to LEAVE. It's the equivalent of an ostrich sticking its head in the sand.
Good for you for leaving. There was never going to be anything good for you in that relationship. Trust!
Yeah, my ex-husband did this too, in so many words, in the epic quacking email I posted on here a few days ago. It's called "not taking responsibility". They like to gloss everything over with the big pretty brush called "Things Just Didn't Work Out" so they don't have to look at how THEIR choices affected OUR choice to LEAVE. It's the equivalent of an ostrich sticking its head in the sand.
Good for you for leaving. There was never going to be anything good for you in that relationship. Trust!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It's been said here, and I love it...."Love the ones who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't."
Good for you for surpassing a challenge that many in recovery fall pray to...
"The Pop Up." When an active addict pops in and stirs your pot up.
You didn't have to send that book back but you were focused on doing the right thing. Okay, I'll buy it. I'm the same way. You contact him with a purpose and as all active addicts are bound and determined to do, he started button pushing. It's like it's a compulsion. It amazes me sometimes how quickly they jump to it, as if they're on some sort of time crunch to get it done before you have the presence of mind to hang up.
I applaud you that while all these feelings of anger and resentment and upset come flooding back over you (keeping in mind that this is exactly the goal of button pushing) you took a breath and kept to your recovery. You stated your point of view and didn't let his skewed reality play tricks on you. He turned 6 months into two years with the new gal. He made an inocent incident in the past into something horrible about you. He tried to sweep years of alcoholism under the rug and leave your relationship as some kind of bad luck. Bulls**t! You knew better then, but now you believe in yourself and your reality and what you know to be true.
Bravo to you for wishing him well and wishing him recovery, but that is really all we ever wanted for our loved ones anyway, right? Then you ended the call and got back to the real world at hand.
Now, you know that you are not impenitrable. Your emtions can still be manipulated. You ARE human afterall. BUT, you can process those emotions in a healthy way and see what is a true feeling and what is just a manufactured feeling at the control of someone else.
That's great recovery work!!!!
Alice
Good for you for surpassing a challenge that many in recovery fall pray to...
"The Pop Up." When an active addict pops in and stirs your pot up.
You didn't have to send that book back but you were focused on doing the right thing. Okay, I'll buy it. I'm the same way. You contact him with a purpose and as all active addicts are bound and determined to do, he started button pushing. It's like it's a compulsion. It amazes me sometimes how quickly they jump to it, as if they're on some sort of time crunch to get it done before you have the presence of mind to hang up.
I applaud you that while all these feelings of anger and resentment and upset come flooding back over you (keeping in mind that this is exactly the goal of button pushing) you took a breath and kept to your recovery. You stated your point of view and didn't let his skewed reality play tricks on you. He turned 6 months into two years with the new gal. He made an inocent incident in the past into something horrible about you. He tried to sweep years of alcoholism under the rug and leave your relationship as some kind of bad luck. Bulls**t! You knew better then, but now you believe in yourself and your reality and what you know to be true.
Bravo to you for wishing him well and wishing him recovery, but that is really all we ever wanted for our loved ones anyway, right? Then you ended the call and got back to the real world at hand.
Now, you know that you are not impenitrable. Your emtions can still be manipulated. You ARE human afterall. BUT, you can process those emotions in a healthy way and see what is a true feeling and what is just a manufactured feeling at the control of someone else.
That's great recovery work!!!!
Alice
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Oh, I admit, I got a little snarky. I think it just blew me away that he was trying to make light of what was my life for a year, with him. Granted, I chose to be there - not pawning that off on him, but really? I probably acted a little out of character than I wanted to. He *did* get to me, and I did point out things about his current relationship and said things like, "Oh, so she's cool with you being totally unavailable every single night?" But overall, I think I did way better than sitting there arguing with him to no end. I think my fave part was when he was like "Jenn, lol, just tell me to f*ck off." You'd like that, wouldn't you. Well, that's not how I feel, so here's what's up. I love you, and i know you, you're beautiful - sober. Any other way, and you're a monster, and I want nothing to do with that monster. You can hide him all you want with your new girl, but he'll come out. You and I know that, it's what happened with us. He controls you. Find me when you get sober, I'm here for ya. And miss you.
And that was that.
And that was that.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Well done, not to fall for his version of history or to stay hurt or angry.
After all, WHAT does it MATTER? You are never going to change his view so may as well let it all go.
I found a favourite record of my XAH after I left him, contacted him to tell him and arrange to let him have it. OH, WOW. Got back a revised history of our 27 years marriage and a load of accusations like you would not believe. Did my head in for weeks (didn't have SR to go to in them old days) and churned me up.
God bless
After all, WHAT does it MATTER? You are never going to change his view so may as well let it all go.
I found a favourite record of my XAH after I left him, contacted him to tell him and arrange to let him have it. OH, WOW. Got back a revised history of our 27 years marriage and a load of accusations like you would not believe. Did my head in for weeks (didn't have SR to go to in them old days) and churned me up.
God bless
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
I think I just need to delete him from Facebook, maybe. I got rid of him on instant messenger, and probably should have done everywhere else. It was sort of an impulse delete, and honestly, after awhile, I just sort of forgot he was around in my phone and Facebook. I just logged onto Facebook a second ago, and saw his 'status' to change to "in a relationship."
Oh, the snarkiness came about in my head. You know, things like.. "EXABF is in a relationship with Chateau St. Michelle." Or maybe "EXABF is in a relationship with cheaparse box of wine." And of course, that led me to read what he wrote on his new girl's wall, and it made my stomach churn. I'm trying to contemplate why. I don't have feelings tied to him anymore - the last five months of him not being around has honestly been sweet, sweet relief. So why is this coming about now? Argh, that's what drives me crazy about all this, you know? I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling so aggravated by him, and his actions, and how he views what we had.
Oh, the snarkiness came about in my head. You know, things like.. "EXABF is in a relationship with Chateau St. Michelle." Or maybe "EXABF is in a relationship with cheaparse box of wine." And of course, that led me to read what he wrote on his new girl's wall, and it made my stomach churn. I'm trying to contemplate why. I don't have feelings tied to him anymore - the last five months of him not being around has honestly been sweet, sweet relief. So why is this coming about now? Argh, that's what drives me crazy about all this, you know? I don't understand why I'm suddenly feeling so aggravated by him, and his actions, and how he views what we had.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Grrl77! You remind me so much of me. Please delete him from your FB. I had to do that today myself - also Linked In. Because I know myself and I know that I will drive myself freaking insaaaane and get back into my dis-ease. I need an Al Anon meeting desperately, actually, but for now I am trying to do all I can to avoid tripping myself up.
Best of luck. You are already doing so well! So well. Watch the slippery slope of resentment - I've been slipping and sliding on it for a week and today I hit hard! :-(
Soph
Best of luck. You are already doing so well! So well. Watch the slippery slope of resentment - I've been slipping and sliding on it for a week and today I hit hard! :-(
Soph
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
grrrl thanks for sharing.
XABF PULLED THE SAME BS! I know how that felt ! ah I get so much relief in kick boxing imagining I am punching him, and many others.
after all, he'd been with "Ellen" for two years now, and they never fight! Not one fight!
LOL! XAbF told me the same after some weeks of separation. "Well now I won't repeat the same mistakes". Talk about pulling the old "a woman can change me and YOU were not enough!" I guess they use it because it works, like saying one is FAT! low low forbidden punches. To imagine I bought his stupid lines and felt bad with myself for months
Perhaps "Ellen" has not seen the real him yet.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too drunk to pick a fight. Often they turn to other alkies.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too afraid.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too drunk AND afraid.
Well I say this because that is why I did not fight with the guy when he deserved it.
That is why they say in this "game" the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY.
Anything, anything will be used against you. Like those guys that do tricks with sticks with fireballs on the ends... I imagine these guys with tons of those, just seeing which one to throw your way.
AND I ALSO GOT THE "sometimes things don't work out, you just have to move on"
What helps me when I get some trigger is to play the Twilight zone intro music in my head. "You're traveling through another dimension..."
PLEASE delete and block him from Facebook.
XABF PULLED THE SAME BS! I know how that felt ! ah I get so much relief in kick boxing imagining I am punching him, and many others.
after all, he'd been with "Ellen" for two years now, and they never fight! Not one fight!
LOL! XAbF told me the same after some weeks of separation. "Well now I won't repeat the same mistakes". Talk about pulling the old "a woman can change me and YOU were not enough!" I guess they use it because it works, like saying one is FAT! low low forbidden punches. To imagine I bought his stupid lines and felt bad with myself for months
Perhaps "Ellen" has not seen the real him yet.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too drunk to pick a fight. Often they turn to other alkies.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too afraid.
Perhaps "Ellen" is too drunk AND afraid.
Well I say this because that is why I did not fight with the guy when he deserved it.
That is why they say in this "game" the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY.
Anything, anything will be used against you. Like those guys that do tricks with sticks with fireballs on the ends... I imagine these guys with tons of those, just seeing which one to throw your way.
AND I ALSO GOT THE "sometimes things don't work out, you just have to move on"
What helps me when I get some trigger is to play the Twilight zone intro music in my head. "You're traveling through another dimension..."
PLEASE delete and block him from Facebook.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Thank you for commenting; I appreciate it. I've had time to think it through rationally over the last couple days, and when I back away from it emotionally, it's just so "Wtf," you know? He and I were together one year, and he couldn't even remember what state I live in. (We were doing the long distance thing, and he'd been here for a visit, even!) , nor does he even know how long he's been with his new girl. Says two years, but he just met her six months ago. I watch him bust out with excuse after excuse, and his reasoning is so off base. The first six months of he and I's relationship, we didn't fight, either, hehe. It's called not having a clue that the guy you're dating has a major problem, until you're already in the problem and the need to impress and keep up appearances become too hard. I know that realistically, this stuff w/ this girl will end the same way. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will, because he'll eventually get tired of having to keep up appearances of normalcy. And then he'll try to convince himself as to why things with her didn't work, either, why he should dump her, and he'll run, just like he did with me.
It's not personal, and I know this. I guess I'm just pretty sad for him, because even in five months, I've seen him get worse. Don't mistake my sadness though for thinking I can do something for him. He needs to take responsibility for himself - drunk or not - just like I'm held to the same standards. Me is all I can have a say in. So I guess I wish him the best, god speed, all that.
It's not personal, and I know this. I guess I'm just pretty sad for him, because even in five months, I've seen him get worse. Don't mistake my sadness though for thinking I can do something for him. He needs to take responsibility for himself - drunk or not - just like I'm held to the same standards. Me is all I can have a say in. So I guess I wish him the best, god speed, all that.
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