theuncertainty

Thanks again, every one. How silly is it that I printed out your support and took it with me? It was comforting to have you all there with me.

So, this first one is done. I'm still trying to process how I feel about it. Turns out they were running late and had only scheduled 15 minutes anyway, so only the DVPO was addressed. My sister went with me to meet with my attorney and to the court so I did have some one with me, and my friend from work came to the court room also. I just realized that I completely forgot about him and left to talk with my attorney right after... I feel horrible about that. I'm sure he understands, but I still want to and will apologize.

After further discussion and my attorney assuring me that just because I changed the DVPO to a civil no contact didn't mean that I couldn't revisit the PO at a later date if/when STBXAH starts playing his games again. The judge also went over the difference between the 2 and let us know that if the other person violates the order, to call him and he can fine or jail the person in violation of the order.

So, I did agree to drop the DVPO in exchange for a no contact order; STBX's attorney wanted it to be a mutual no contact - which is fine, I haven't called, texted or e-mailed the a$$ in months for anything not related to our son and have absolutely no desire to hear his f-ing voice or contact to him about anything. Contact is to be via e-mail, so I no longer have to dread my phone ringing. (Which is a HUGE "Yay!")

The court date for the actual divorce complaint won't be until tentatively November. The judge said there was a mid September date available, but STBX's attorney said that he felt that was too soon.

We've agreed to an interim visitation schedule for our son to see his father until the hearing for the interim custody request is held (September 3rd). STBX's attorney said they'd file a response to my motion for interim custody by Friday. Which technically is 11 days past the time he was supposed to respond, but it's still before the court date, so.... The schedule we agreed to until that date is every other weekend Saturday 9 am to Sunday 6 pm. Which I know is minimal and is less than what STBX wanted (he says he wants every weekend - the court wouldn't agree to that at the interim court date would they?) and I should be happy, but it's more than he's been doing these past 2 years. It's more time where STBX has more opportunity to lose his temper and direct it at our son.... H-ll, it's more than he's done in our son's 5 years of life even when we were living under the same roof.... Ok, I'm starting to vent here and getting kind of off topic.

We will still address the DV - at the interim custody hearing. The judge said to expect about 20 minutes each to state our case about what DV was in the relationship. So, we'll see then what cr-p STBXAH comes up with then. That should be rich. My STBX liked to yell that I was physically abusing him if I tried to push him back away from me while he stood and yelled down in my face...

His attorney told my attorney that he'll probably sign the consent forms for our son to see a therapist, after they call and talk with her to make sure she will not be called to provide evidence for the custody issue. (That's what her form says for pete's sake and she requires both parents to sign. WTF else do they need?) But OK - deep breath - maybe by the end of the week I'll be able to schedule an appointment for our son.

So, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm OK with this. I should be. I am trying to find the positives here. The current set up is not forever, I should be able to get DS in to see a therapist within the next month or so, HP willing I'll be done with this divorce before the Holidays.

Thanks again, all, especially if you made it to the end of my loooonnng post.:ghug3

TakingCharge999

You are an inspiration! well done.

naive

i'll second that...well done!

you are in the thick of it right now. this won't last forever. one day at a time.

naive

nodaybut2day

In my (very limited) experience, even though visitation is set by the court, the non-custodial parent starts to lose interest and visitation is gradually shortened, and eventually cancelled, to suit his needs. Especially considering the fact that he's never really been involved with his son, he might find him to be more of a burden than anything else. Also, I noticed a decrease in interest in visitation as soon as my XAH's relationship with his GF got more serious.

I think what you got in court was GOOD!

Make sure to document document document from now until the court proceedings and even well after. Watch for any slipup from your STBX.

coyote21

I agree.

I've seen it on these boards over and over, a dad SUDDENLY showing all this interest in his kid, where no interest was shown before. My first impression has always been, hum....., there's some other motivation going on here. Not just some sudden about face with regard to his child's welfare.

What could that be...........couldn't possibly be..........no way, not money!

I've seen dads fight for 50/50 custody, when they never showed ANY interest in their kid before, just hoping to lower or eliminate child support.

Just my .02.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

suki44883

Money definitely is one reason. Another is inflated ego. My ex did his best to portray himself as dad of the year, when in fact, he was a lousy dad. His two kids from his previous marriage spent 90% of their time with his parents because he just couldn't be bothered. Yeah, he had custody of them, but not because he wanted it. His ex just up and left him and them because she wanted to be a country music star. Anyway, his ego is the reason he tried to fight me for custody of our daughter. Thankfully, his own attorney told him the chances of that happening were slim and none.

So, yeah, he's going to go in like gangbusters acting like he is the world's greatest dad. Judges can see through all that BS though. They do this kind of thing for a living. The main thing is that you now have something official regarding visitation, so he can't just do whatever he wants.

Still Waters

Heck, it's not only their own children that cause inflated ego's. My AH is saying that his "daughter" (his step daughter) dealt with no abuse from him, but only from ME.

He repeatedly refers to her as his daughter in the legal paperwork.

Even went so far as to wax poetic about taking her to the fair so she could ride the rides. And how he's keeping my car (I have no idea where that car is) in storage for her, for "sentimental reasons".

Sick.

theuncertainty

I can see your points Noday, Coyote, and Suki about the level of interest being likely to reduce over time and the reasons. I'm pretty sure that STBX's current interest in our son is based on the following:
1. wish to have the amount of child support he will have to pay reduced (even though he's not currently paying any)
2. his sister is pushing him to be more involved with DS (basically because she feels guilty for what happened with her daughter during/after her divorce years ago)
3. his GF asking why he doesn't have his sweet DS as much as her ex-whatever has her boys
4. a little actual interest in our amazing, sweet and caring boy

I think the main one right now is #2. His sister just doesn't get it that yes, DS needs to see his Daddy, but DS needs to see his Daddy in a safe environment/manner. She's admitted that her brother 'stuffs his anger and frustration' and that sometimes it just 'comes out'. His behavior is a bit more abusive than that. Even if it wasn't, just how exactly does she expect stuffed anger to come out? All spring-time green and butterflies, friendly and soft? "I'm mad gosh darn it. OK, all better now." Riiiiiiiight.

As far as the child support, he buys DS gifts (super soakers, toys, and yes very occassionally a pair jeans or shoes, or a t-shirt, etc.) and thinks that should count towards a reduction in what he should be paying - bleahhh. I would love for him to tell that one to the judge, because I know it won't fly.

He rudely calls the school DS will be attending is a 'tree-hugger' school (it's a Waldorf school, which both DS and I love with a wonderful curriculum, great teachers and teachers' assistants, staff and attending families - with a great and affordable after-school program). And he doesn't want to pay for it, has asked if DS can just go to public school. When I tried to explain why the school is good for DS, he just walked away. Ironically, would actually cost more if DS went to a public school because I'd have to find a separate after-school program or daycare/babysitter; and the ones I've found are actually more than the combined tuition and after school program at his school - at least for Kindergarten this year. Next year is a different story and I'll work on that then. So far he hasn't paid for any of it (DS went to pre-school there last year) and so far I have not requested that he help pay for it or the after-school care costs. I've scrimped and saved because I feel it is the best school for DS to go to and I will go without the luxuries of brand name food or new clothes for me, regular haircuts from a salon, etc. in order to keep him there as long as I can. I just assumed I'd put the pitiful support amount he may have to pay towards it and call it good.

Suki and StillWaters, I completely see the same attitude in my STBXAH. He thinks that since DS is such an amazing kid, that it's because he is a great dad. He conveniently forgets or is in denial that he spent a lot of the first 3 years of DS's life passed out on the couch, or stumbling through the house, often yelling or slurring belligerently, with some occassional dadly-type activities of going to the park, dying easter eggs, playing with squirt guns or teaching him how to catch a ball or swing a bat (a lesson which ended with him screaming at our then 3-yo DS when a storm window was broken), etc., and the last 2 years making and cancelling or no-showing when it came to half of his visits with DS. When he's texting about picking up DS it's always, "of course I want to see my son." Not 'our' son. One comment he made often that made my skin crawl was related to his co-workers or boss at whatever jobs he had at the time "They think I'm god." Really.

I do believe that STBXAH will eventually tire of playing dad when he actually has to be a dad rather than a playmate and when he no longer has that as an effective way of controlling our relationship. So I am happy that there is now a court-ordered schedule, because not scheduling has been his latest manipulation tactic. I also hope that soon he will shift his abusive focus away from me and onto his GF. Which is an absolutely horrid thing to think or say, because no one deserves to be treated the way STBXAH treated me. She can take care of herself though - it's not my job.

So another long rant. I guess I've been storing up. Thanks for letting me vent.

suki44883

It's always darkest before the dawn. He's getting it in now while he can. If it goes like mine did, it won't completely stop until you've been divorced for a while. Just getting to that point though is hell on earth, especially when the ex is a huge jerk who thinks he is God's gift to the world. Let the lawyers deal with it. That's what they're being paid for.

Hang in there.

SheCanRun

Thanks for sharing your story with us theuncertainty. You are giving me hope and having everyone else post their experiences is helpful right now during this very scary, uncertain time.

I just despise that AH can do what ever the heck he wants. I have no idea how on earth this will end up but this back and forth between the two of us, him trying to win at no cost is killing me.

If we end up with a joint custody situation then this will be my life until the kids are out of the house. I seriously can't live this way. Wish me luck tomorrow talking with the potential new lawyer. Hopefully he'll be more helpful than current lawyer who I have not heard from in about 5 weeks.

theuncertainty

Wishing you luck, strength and peace, SheCanRun. I'm glad that it's been helpful for others and not just for me. (I just posted on your thread not too long ago.)

A friend told me this morning, to remember that the lawyer works for me. I'm paying him for his assistance, expertise and advice.

The one thing I am glad for is that an interim visitation schedule that the court knows about was set up through the DVPO hearing. No more of STBXAH's calling/texting the night before or the morning of the day he decides he has nothing better to do and so wants to see our son and then ranting and raving when I already have something planned and will not cancel it. No more of him refusing to set a schedule. (But good lord, shouldn't a 44 yo man be able to set up a schedule on his own without a court telling him he has to?! OK. I know that's me expecting too much of him again when he's shown for so many years that he is NOT capable of being a kind, thoughtful, responsible adult...)

Deep breath. Hugs.