Kind_Not_Weak

Rather than recreate the wheel, I've copied and pasted an email to my XABF that I just wrote, but have not sent. It pretty much says it all...


"Listen, I don't want to talk about this, but I am asking you to say a prayer.

I've been ignoring a tremor in my right foot for quite a while and the back thing a month or so ago caused/uncovered some other issues. Bottom line, I've failed two neurological physical exams (close your eyes and touch your nose, repeat after me, etc) and am having an MRI of my brain tonight. While there is a chance that it's a spinal infection or a vitamin deficiency (blood tests haven't come back yet), if the MRI doesn't show a tumor, then I have been prepared for a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease. I'm surprisingly Zen about the entire thing... whatever will be will be. It's a strange thing, to wonder which is worse... a brain tumor or a degenerative brain disease.

Odd that I'm remembering our talk about why I'm cramming all kinds of life in, like I felt like something was about to go really wrong. (cue creepy music)

I'm fine, just would like you to say a prayer... I've not told anyone else. Like I said, I don't want to talk about it.

All of the reasons why I don't feel like you can be a part of my life anymore, well, they are still there. Maybe one day we can talk about it, but probably not as there really is no point in rehashing all of it. What's done is done. Besides, I feel in my heart of hearts that you already know all the why's of it and that's enough.

However, the selfish part of me does miss the comfort crumbs you gave out every now and then. I realize that sending you this email is incredibly codependent of me, to reach out to the one person who can't help and who has proven time and time again that he's not to be counted on for anything... I don't know. It is what it is and maybe I'll understand it one day, maybe I won't.

I don't mean that as a slam against you, so please don't take it that way. It's just a fact and I think you wouldn't argue with me on that one. You are not to be counted on. But maybe, just maybe, you can find it in yourself to be the man you always told me you are, but never showed me. Maybe you will say a prayer and maybe God will listen to you. Because I certainly don't feel like my own prayers are being heard."

Still haven't sent it. But really really really want to.

I'm 40.

This is so surreal. Like an out of body experience. I'm scary calm.

But still have the presence of mind to know that reaching out to him is probably not the best idea.

HealingWillCome

Kind,

I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. It must be terribly scary. And I fully understand your wanting to reach out to XABF.

Have you asked yourself how you'll feel after you hit the "send" button? Have you played through all of the possible scenarios?

Will it accomplish anything to seek validation from someone who is really likely incapable of giving you what you need which is LOVE and SUPPORT at this point?

He may respond with what you WANT to hear, but that may only open up a can of worms that you're not ready to deal with. It is so easy to buy into the fantasy once it starts back up again.

Please be careful with your choice to send or not. Turn to your family, friends, your HP, and those of us here at SR to help you through this time. Hugs to you!!!

ChrrisT

I agree with Healing

I am so sorry about your situation.

But there will be no light bulb, no movie moment of "oh God what have I done"

It just doesn't happen.

You will put your heart on your sleeve and what has history shown you?

Look for love and sympathy from the ones you know are capable of giving it.

[QUOTE]the selfish part of me does miss the comfort crumbs you gave out every now and then. [QUOTE]

What are you going to do with crumbs??

Stay strong and Trash it

LexieCat

I used to write emails with no address so I wouldn't impulsively hit "send". I'd stick them in a "drafts" folder and let them sit for several days until I came to my senses.

I really have a feeling you will regret it if you send this one. I'm so sorry you are going through some of this scary stuff right now, but the email comes off as manipulative (not saying you are consciously manipulating, but won't you be upset if he doesn't come rushing to your side to help you be strong?). If it's truly only prayers that you want, ask your friends to pray for you, ask your church to pray for you. What is it you are hoping to achieve by having HIM pray for you? Is he so saintly his prayers have special powers?

I'm sorry, it sounds like I am being snide here, and that isn't my intention. I just want you to ask yourself, really honestly, what it is you hope will happen if you send it.

Hugs, and FWIW, I will pray for you.

transformyself

Word

silkspin

I think we all here know that feeling; it's like an addiction too, isn't it? Maybe this time if I say this, or say it this way, he will finally see the light, have an epiphany, change, and then we can get about the business of being happy. And then you just feel spent, vulnerable, soul bared. Then you feel angry and resentful that they didn't see the light. I think one of the books I read (maybe codependent no more) calls it a drama triangle.

You know what I did once? Sunday wakeup with his hangover, we argued, I yelled, cried, begged bla, bla. He said things would be different, he'd try harder. Argument blown over, we were watching a comedy. And I made myself not laugh, cuz then he'd think that everything was ok when it wasn't. How could I be laughing at such a trivial thing when such big issues plagued us? Now did I realize how insane that was???!!!! Somehow I felt I was 'telling' him something with my actions, and all the while he's sitting on the couch with his brain turned off watching and laughing at a comedy!!!! All I managed to do was prevent myself from doing the same. It was a funny movie!

As codies, we think that the things we do can have a greater impact than they really do. And then when they don't have the expected impact, we get hurt. We do it to ourselves, really. I agree with the other posters. When you hit send, you will feel a mixture of hope and yet unease - ball is in his court and you may have anxiety about what will happen. Now, imagine that you won't get a response. You will feel invalidated and will endlessly wonder how he took it. And maybe he barely gave it a glance, but in your mind you may spend endless amounts of time and energy on his reaction etc etc.

My sponsor told me to write my letters, and delete them. I wrote a word document, spewing all my frustrations etc. Then I highlighted all the text in black to symbolize the negativity of it all, and then I deleted. I really and honestly felt better. I, and many of us need to learn that it's our own validation that will make us truly feel better. Write what you feel and validate to yourself that you have these thoughts and feelings. By engaging him in that, you are giving away your power, because you have no control over his reaction or outcome. I really understand how you feel, my thoughts are with you.

Kind_Not_Weak

You are all right, and thank you.

Honestly, the manipulative angle never entered my mind. But now, going back and rereading it, I can see that. Wow... my codependent runs deep. Still have much work to do...

The test is over, should have the results in a few days.

ChrrisT

That's perfect - Kind - Good for you!

But ironic, we're saying that we as "Codie" expect our words to change things with the alcoholic and as you said to stop believing that. Right? or

Silkspin - (great post) but she said But look our words can change things!!!! Can make a difference!

Screw Bad Codie Traits, when we steer our natural kindness and caring personalities in the RIGHT direction we all can make difference.

I feel GREAT about that!

WORD!!