A's are nuts!!!

Old 10-18-2003, 01:33 PM
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I have been following this thread with a great deal of interest because I disagreed with some of the replies. I felt that if sdp put up certain boundaries then perhaps this neighbor would not get in her way anymore.

I do think people were trying to politely tell her that but she didn't seem to hear them. I think Jon was alerting her to the fact that she had some of the answers to her issues right infront of her.

I thought her response to him was very gracious in that she explained that she had a tiring day and was at work. She apologized and thanked everyone for their replies.

There was no problem here. The only one who seems to have a problem with what was said, is you. I think your time would be better spent taking a look at why you felt the need to get in the middle of their exchange and defend someone who didn't seem to take offense.

When I was new in recovery I heard a lot of things I didn't want to hear but in the end I realized that is probably the stuff I needed to listen to the closest.
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Old 10-18-2003, 01:51 PM
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The relationship with my neighbor is a complicated one.

My husband and I rent a house from his sister. The neighbor is in an apt in our back yard. We share a yard, and a driveway.

Also, he has been friends (in fact had a relationship with one of his sisters) with my husband's family for many many years. I have known him for over 13 years, and been friends with him for 4. In the past, he has helped me out a lot when my A was on a binge. His mother babysits my kids after school. In order for me to avoid him, i would have to sneak in my front door. We frequently have to move cars, as one or the other of us will be blocked in. His daughter is friends with my daughters.

I felt betrayed by his treatment of me, and was very upset about it.

Also, I was upset about Jon's post. I read it last nite, and waited until today to reply,to clear my mind. I was not trying to ignore anyone yesterday, but was not in a position to think on them very clearly, or reply. I had no intention of causing a brouhaha.
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Old 10-18-2003, 02:55 PM
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Ah sdp, don't worry about it. It doesn't take much to cause a brouhaha around here, and it usually never has anything to do with the original post....

I hope things calm down with you and your neighbor.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 10-18-2003, 03:45 PM
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Thank you JG!!!
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Old 10-19-2003, 06:14 AM
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sdp,
Wrapping wings around you today. Hope everything goes much better for you.
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Old 10-19-2003, 07:12 AM
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Sdp

That explains a lot. Before he just sounded like a nut case who lived in back of you.
Now I see that to you he is like family.

I still think youre letting him upset you too much. Is something else going on with you? Sometimes we cant deal with the real issue and we project those feelings into other situations. BTDT

Im too lazy to read thru the old posts and I should have asked this before. Has he always been like this or did he just start acting this way out of the blue.
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Old 10-19-2003, 01:13 PM
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Thank you still learning and Cecilia.

He lives alone, and is a confirmed bachelor. A bit of a player, and a Harley man. He's kinda used to things his own way. A volatile temper, altho he never used it on me until a month ago, again about this cheerleading!!!!!

Gruffness is part of his nature, but not the meanness he showed the other nite.

I get angry at my A, but he just agrees with whatever I'm hissing at him- we never yell. I don't like yelling,and I don't like getting yelled at.. if I get emotional enough to yell, I cry.
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Old 10-19-2003, 01:27 PM
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Actually, we spent a lot of the day together, as today was the competition. Their team was 4th out of 4(sob, they were so disappointed, but they're a park district team going up against All Stars, who take it a LOT more seriously than we do) However, all the girls performed their very best.

I pretty much just ignored him -I have nothing to say to him right now. Plus he was quiet as he'd been partying all night.
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Old 10-19-2003, 01:34 PM
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Thanks for sharing. Time to focus upon what we really, really want each day - peace, quiet, loving relationships and definitely some HUGS from our loved ones.
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Old 10-25-2003, 01:37 PM
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Thank you, SL..
Here's an update--
Still no conversation between us.. supposedly, my husband told him I was expecting an apology, but I'm not sure even that would do it... Actually, it's kinda nice not having him come over to talk, and take our candy!!!

He takes his daughter to practices, and I take my kids.

They have a competition tomorrow, so please send some prayers that they do well!!!!
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Old 10-25-2003, 05:00 PM
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OK! Sending prayers your way that they do well. Sounds like things are going so much better. Hooray! (((HUGS, too)))
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Old 10-26-2003, 05:41 PM
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Thanks, all... They did OK- 3rd out of 3 (!!!)
However, they all got a medal and the team got a trophy. It was a looonngg day tho....we left at 8:45 and just got home at 7:15...
Of course, my husband left at 2, with my afore mentioned neighbor....
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Old 10-26-2003, 08:06 PM
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My curiosity is, have you tried attending an Al-anon meeting. This group is for families and friends of alcoholics.

It is not for their benefit that you go and see what it is about, but for your own.

When we react to other's addictions, we have a trade-off taking place, our power for their aggravation and unhappiness. We lose our own peace of mind in reacting, and we take personal and take home their garbage that they are giving us. Even though you are neighbors, you don't have to do that.

What it sounds like needs to happen is that you need to learn to detach from this person with love. You learn more about this at the meetings. They are very helpful in restoring peace of mind and serenity back to us.

My own life has suffered from reacting to addicts. It caused me serious emotional distress from getting involved in an addicts angry and intentional provocations. They want this of course, because it keeps them from having to look at their own personal CR*P.

You sound like a very caring person who needs a little encouragement to step back from the emotional drama, and experience more serenity.

Good luck in finding your answers, just tried to be helpful.
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Old 10-27-2003, 03:06 AM
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Thank You. No, I have not been to a meeting for a long time. Any time I had gone, I did not find them at all helpful.

Actually, fairly recently I tried to go to one. I was waiting outside in my car, but there were no other cars in thte lot, all was dark. I drove past the place a few days later, and saw the building was closed and sold!!

As regards my neighbor, I do feel better now. Im not as upset as I ws about being yelled at (something I hate)
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:58 AM
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Sorry to hear that.

I have been there with that feeling. Usually, when you try something new, it feels very scary and intimidating, especially when you have to go to a building you don't know, like a church or a synagogue or mosque for that matter to attend a place where there are uncertain circumstances and people. It is kind of embarrassing, and sometimes humiliating, like the experience you shared in your recent thread.

Well, needless to say, there are times in everybody's life where they do experience some form of discouragement when they try to reach out for higher help for their problems--especially when they are of an emotional nature, and they involve family and friends with substance abuse problems.

Sometimes, though, this does happen. A building closes, or meetings cease to gather at a particular location.

From my own experience, the pain of taking on other people's sh** was too great for me to let this discourage me or stop me.

I have a few experiences in attending meetings. They have been very helpful in helping me to get my own self respect and sense of identity back.

The best thing to keep in mind is that every group of people in these meetings has their own unique personality. And the key is to find the particular alanon meeting (group of people and location--that is right for you--because not every gathering of people in the alanon meetings is right for everyone. But, listen to your gut--when you are in the right place at the right time (alanon meetings included here) you will know this deep within yourself. What I am trying to say is, don't give up on your search for serenity. These meetings do help, if you will let them.

If you are not sure how to find the alanon meetings in your area, then go to the web site for alanon and locate the meetings in the (district) area that you are located in. It is all broken down by state--easy to find.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
[url]
or trying using this search engine:
Hppt://www.metacrawler.com

and in the search entry, just type alanon. Easy to find!

I hope you can find your answers.

Best Wishes

jlw
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Old 10-28-2003, 11:12 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thank you JLW.. I have been planning to go to meetings, but have not been able to make it yet.. It is on the back burner for now, hopefully to move to the front burner ...

Anyway, for me, the neighbor thing is a non issue now. He betrayed me (I think) and I want nothing more to do with him. It is getting easier now. Even if we do somehow come to an agreement, things will never be the same.

I have enough problems in my life to continue to dwell on this one..
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Old 10-29-2003, 06:44 AM
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Well. You seem calmer. Thank goodness.

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Old 10-29-2003, 08:19 AM
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Well, about this anyway!!!!
Thank you for caring.
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Old 10-29-2003, 07:54 PM
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Thank you for the validation. It's something new to me.

jlw
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