Public Service Announcement for the Newbies--THIS is what quacking looks like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Public Service Announcement for the Newbies--THIS is what quacking looks like.
Email from STBXAH this morning:
I have to tell you how incredibily much I think of you.I think of you every day .
I have been so stressed lately with this and that and such as so.
My gears towards independance may seem very selfish to you in your mind,but my push forward is the only way I can be secure in my own right.
I have to live by my own rules and regulations.That much I do know about myself.
That doesn't mean I'm striving to become an alcoholic or be some bachelor **** bag......quite the contrary....but you know as well as I do....I've fallen astray on the "liking to drink side" on more than a couple of occassions.That aside,I still continue to work.I like the fact that if I want something ....I just buy it.It's a good feeling to me.The clothes off my back I've lived on too long.I need to be more than that...but be smart about it,in view of my current legal situations.
Trust me babe....I don't blame you for any of my downtroden feelings and stresses,Though I may vent about certain things from time to time.Ultimately .....friends always have the best ways of telling you that it's time to let go....but I've never ever heard a friend tell me that. NO...you should work on this and seek all that it is you love.
Woman....you have taught me alot ,and you've suffered through all that is evil about me.You stuck by me and I will never forget that.I didn't marry you for nothing.That was a monumental decision on my part.
If you care to....I'd love to be able to visit you when you are in ****.I want to see you in your Flamenco gear ripping it up. Either as an innocent bystander or by your side ,it doesn't matter.
Just as so it woul'nt matter if you found anothr lover.....I'd still be respectfull and welcoming to the champion of your heart and for the most part be happy for you.I knew we tried and failed as being the Quintessencial couple,but I know in my heart you will always be the ONE.I'll never get married again.
I regress.
The whole point of me contacting you in such a way is to tell you that I still love you and care for you very much.I have money saved for you if you need it.Money comes and goes and I seem to be making alot of it lately.I don't want you to feel stressed about that sort of thing.
Here's how it is.....I hurt ,I cry,and I survive.
Thanks to your teachings of fine culinary arts I've managed to maitain a somewhat healthy diet....but I'm missing the fresh tarragon.And I love the club soda ...I dropped beer(allergis I'm sure) but I still enjoy alki bevies such as the Reisling and Ciders on a hot summers day.Doesn't mean I don't over-indulge from time to time,but if you care to inquire ;the only time I have lately, were spontanious activities with good friends.
But Bla Bla Bla....I'm off to get a cell phone tomorrow...and get situated.
Listen.....I want to listen to the spirits and soul teachers to tell me what is right to do right now.I have to go with my gut feelings and everything happens for a reason.With me....that has always been the case.I don't know why I was chosen for that task ,but I know every time I do harm to myself and heart , something good always seem to come outta it for other people whom I care about.If that is my path,I'll listen...but I do grow so tired from time to time.Past evil tasks lead me to make up for all that negative karma.I feel indebted for all my previous wrong-doings.
Me and you.....I don't know what will happen.We have so many issues that are so mind labour intensive....
If you say to me I never want to see you again and I don't love you....trust me,I'll never bother you again.If you say maybe,Then I may feel discouraged but somewhat happy.If you say ya...that might work for me to see you and perhaps we will find a way to be together again....Then I'd be most crazy .
My time is running out....my weekend is booked and I must stay focused.
Love
***
Everyone following along? :
Declaration of love and how much he misses me right off the bat--check!
Denial and downplaying of problem drinking---check!
Attempting to give the impression that he has magically gotten it together since we have been apart---check!
Emotional manipulation---check!
Completely downplaying the role alcohol played in our lives---check!
Self-centredness(I,I,I,I,)--checkity-check-check!
ZERO plan to work a program----check!
Collossal arrogance in assuming I still care---check!
Usually done while drunk (as evidenced by the rambling style, and gross misuse of punctuation and the english language)---check!
Quacking is designed to throw the recovering codie off-kilter and make them doubt her/himself. Common tactics include cheap attempts to pull at the heartstrings, and pretending to behave as if they are just so "on the ball" and "together" now, without having done any real work. This is so the codie will start to doubt themselves, their life experience with the A, and their own truth. The quacker thus hopes the codie will return to the pit of hell they just escaped, to make life comfortable for the quacking A again. The quacker likes to try to convince themselves, and their pet codie, that sobriety is just something they can pull out the ether, like angels' wings, or a fluffy cloud .
Remember the golden rule, boys and girls:
Talk is cheap! Truth is in the ACTIONS.
Beware of quackers with candy! They may be coming soon to an inbox near YOU!
(I did not respond to this nonsense. Nor do I intend to.)
I have to tell you how incredibily much I think of you.I think of you every day .
I have been so stressed lately with this and that and such as so.
My gears towards independance may seem very selfish to you in your mind,but my push forward is the only way I can be secure in my own right.
I have to live by my own rules and regulations.That much I do know about myself.
That doesn't mean I'm striving to become an alcoholic or be some bachelor **** bag......quite the contrary....but you know as well as I do....I've fallen astray on the "liking to drink side" on more than a couple of occassions.That aside,I still continue to work.I like the fact that if I want something ....I just buy it.It's a good feeling to me.The clothes off my back I've lived on too long.I need to be more than that...but be smart about it,in view of my current legal situations.
Trust me babe....I don't blame you for any of my downtroden feelings and stresses,Though I may vent about certain things from time to time.Ultimately .....friends always have the best ways of telling you that it's time to let go....but I've never ever heard a friend tell me that. NO...you should work on this and seek all that it is you love.
Woman....you have taught me alot ,and you've suffered through all that is evil about me.You stuck by me and I will never forget that.I didn't marry you for nothing.That was a monumental decision on my part.
If you care to....I'd love to be able to visit you when you are in ****.I want to see you in your Flamenco gear ripping it up. Either as an innocent bystander or by your side ,it doesn't matter.
Just as so it woul'nt matter if you found anothr lover.....I'd still be respectfull and welcoming to the champion of your heart and for the most part be happy for you.I knew we tried and failed as being the Quintessencial couple,but I know in my heart you will always be the ONE.I'll never get married again.
I regress.
The whole point of me contacting you in such a way is to tell you that I still love you and care for you very much.I have money saved for you if you need it.Money comes and goes and I seem to be making alot of it lately.I don't want you to feel stressed about that sort of thing.
Here's how it is.....I hurt ,I cry,and I survive.
Thanks to your teachings of fine culinary arts I've managed to maitain a somewhat healthy diet....but I'm missing the fresh tarragon.And I love the club soda ...I dropped beer(allergis I'm sure) but I still enjoy alki bevies such as the Reisling and Ciders on a hot summers day.Doesn't mean I don't over-indulge from time to time,but if you care to inquire ;the only time I have lately, were spontanious activities with good friends.
But Bla Bla Bla....I'm off to get a cell phone tomorrow...and get situated.
Listen.....I want to listen to the spirits and soul teachers to tell me what is right to do right now.I have to go with my gut feelings and everything happens for a reason.With me....that has always been the case.I don't know why I was chosen for that task ,but I know every time I do harm to myself and heart , something good always seem to come outta it for other people whom I care about.If that is my path,I'll listen...but I do grow so tired from time to time.Past evil tasks lead me to make up for all that negative karma.I feel indebted for all my previous wrong-doings.
Me and you.....I don't know what will happen.We have so many issues that are so mind labour intensive....
If you say to me I never want to see you again and I don't love you....trust me,I'll never bother you again.If you say maybe,Then I may feel discouraged but somewhat happy.If you say ya...that might work for me to see you and perhaps we will find a way to be together again....Then I'd be most crazy .
My time is running out....my weekend is booked and I must stay focused.
Love
***
Everyone following along? :
Declaration of love and how much he misses me right off the bat--check!
Denial and downplaying of problem drinking---check!
Attempting to give the impression that he has magically gotten it together since we have been apart---check!
Emotional manipulation---check!
Completely downplaying the role alcohol played in our lives---check!
Self-centredness(I,I,I,I,)--checkity-check-check!
ZERO plan to work a program----check!
Collossal arrogance in assuming I still care---check!
Usually done while drunk (as evidenced by the rambling style, and gross misuse of punctuation and the english language)---check!
Quacking is designed to throw the recovering codie off-kilter and make them doubt her/himself. Common tactics include cheap attempts to pull at the heartstrings, and pretending to behave as if they are just so "on the ball" and "together" now, without having done any real work. This is so the codie will start to doubt themselves, their life experience with the A, and their own truth. The quacker thus hopes the codie will return to the pit of hell they just escaped, to make life comfortable for the quacking A again. The quacker likes to try to convince themselves, and their pet codie, that sobriety is just something they can pull out the ether, like angels' wings, or a fluffy cloud .
Remember the golden rule, boys and girls:
Talk is cheap! Truth is in the ACTIONS.
Beware of quackers with candy! They may be coming soon to an inbox near YOU!
(I did not respond to this nonsense. Nor do I intend to.)
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Wow! He sure tried to pull on your heart strings with that diatribe. Glad that you aren't going to respond. When you reach the point where you don't automatically fire back a response, you are truly making progress. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Oh god thank you Paintbaby.... I'm not so much a newby, but am easily sucked into the crap.
I laughed at your interpretation of his email. I probably have a few emails like this that I could breakdown as well.
I laughed at your interpretation of his email. I probably have a few emails like this that I could breakdown as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 55
HA!!! That was just so much nonsense to read... and (forgive the pun) sobering. I, too, have gotten emails like this one. So much blah-blah-blah and I fell for it time and time again. I am so glad that's over... with a little help from the filter that sends all his quacking straight to Permanently Deleted Land. I never even know they came in... so peaceful.
Seriously, the more I learn and listen, the more I firmly believe they all work from the same Alcoholic Play Book. And they all think they are all so unique...
Seriously, the more I learn and listen, the more I firmly believe they all work from the same Alcoholic Play Book. And they all think they are all so unique...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Heh,
They didn't use the term "quack" when I was around Al-Anon years ago, but I sure recognize it when I read it!
Actually, it's quite brilliant to break it down into the "translation"--a terrific exercise for anyone who gets these kinds of emails to keep you from getting sucked in.
I had an English teacher in junior high (MANY years ago), who was ahead of her time and incorporated "critical thinking" skills into her curriculum. One of our regular exercises was to dissect the messages in advertising. When you think about it, that's exactly what these emails are: a sales job. Same kind of snow-job you'd get from a used car salesman.
Keep kicking the tires and looking under the hood.
They didn't use the term "quack" when I was around Al-Anon years ago, but I sure recognize it when I read it!
Actually, it's quite brilliant to break it down into the "translation"--a terrific exercise for anyone who gets these kinds of emails to keep you from getting sucked in.
I had an English teacher in junior high (MANY years ago), who was ahead of her time and incorporated "critical thinking" skills into her curriculum. One of our regular exercises was to dissect the messages in advertising. When you think about it, that's exactly what these emails are: a sales job. Same kind of snow-job you'd get from a used car salesman.
Keep kicking the tires and looking under the hood.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Denial and downplaying of problem drinking---check!
Attempting to give the impression that he has magically gotten it together since we have been apart---check!
Emotional manipulation---check!
Completely downplaying the role alcohol played in our lives---check!
Self-centredness(I,I,I,I,)--checkity-check-check!
ZERO plan to work a program----check!
Collossal arrogance in assuming I still care---check!
Wowwwww.....all of these points were touched on when I spoke to my XA the first and last time he contacted me wanting to "repair" the "friendship".
Now I have to laugh. Thanks for spelling this out!
Attempting to give the impression that he has magically gotten it together since we have been apart---check!
Emotional manipulation---check!
Completely downplaying the role alcohol played in our lives---check!
Self-centredness(I,I,I,I,)--checkity-check-check!
ZERO plan to work a program----check!
Collossal arrogance in assuming I still care---check!
Wowwwww.....all of these points were touched on when I spoke to my XA the first and last time he contacted me wanting to "repair" the "friendship".
Now I have to laugh. Thanks for spelling this out!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I'm not even sure it's appropriate to say this, but I am laughing so hard I am crying. LOL! My xabf has written countless letters very similar. His favorite line was "I think of you every minute of every day!" Yep, I'm sure you miss the doormat who took it all in and nearly killed herself trying to give you more. lol! This should be a sticky!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Awwww, thanks kids! I love you guys!
Just trying to share the humor! This stuff is pure gold--the arrogance, the disconnect--it's quite astounding, really. But I gotta say--it sure is nice to SEE the humor, instead of taking it as sincere, and getting sucked back in for Round 2.(or Round 576--YMMV). But isn't it sweet? He misses the tarragon! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!
Just trying to share the humor! This stuff is pure gold--the arrogance, the disconnect--it's quite astounding, really. But I gotta say--it sure is nice to SEE the humor, instead of taking it as sincere, and getting sucked back in for Round 2.(or Round 576--YMMV). But isn't it sweet? He misses the tarragon! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL,
When I split up with my alcoholic husband, he INSISTED I take all the kitchen stuff. (Most of it was mine to begin with, but I wasn't gonna leave him without dishes or forks).
Some months later I got a bitter email about how I took the "good" salt and pepper shakers and "his" favorite cutting board.
Come to think of it, I probably took the tarragon, too.
When I split up with my alcoholic husband, he INSISTED I take all the kitchen stuff. (Most of it was mine to begin with, but I wasn't gonna leave him without dishes or forks).
Some months later I got a bitter email about how I took the "good" salt and pepper shakers and "his" favorite cutting board.
Come to think of it, I probably took the tarragon, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
LOL, Lexie! Attached to a CUTTING BOARD? Nothing like priorities! My STBXAH is referring to the actual tarragon bush I have growing in my backyard. But I have a feeling he was missing another type of "bush", if ya know what I mean, which prompted this hammy, melodramatic quack-a-thon in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry...so ended doing both and fogged up my specs.
What a wonderful exercise in teasing the true content out of a load of Moo Poo. I guess you were expected to fall in a sobbing heap and believing every bit, rush into his arms....which were no doubt already hugging his drink of choice.
The perfect example of a big quack, and how to decode the reality from it.
Beautifully done PB.
God bless
What a wonderful exercise in teasing the true content out of a load of Moo Poo. I guess you were expected to fall in a sobbing heap and believing every bit, rush into his arms....which were no doubt already hugging his drink of choice.
The perfect example of a big quack, and how to decode the reality from it.
Beautifully done PB.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Thanks Paintbaby!
My AXBF and I broke up 2 weeks ago and I have been holding on to "momentos" of our relationship.., you know cards, gifts, etc.
Here is an example:
Dear....
I don't have a lot to offer you right now. I'm short on money, time and patience. In light of that, your unconditional love for me is a blessing to me. Our mutual attraction to each other blinds us at times. I look beyond that everyday and look forward to your smiling face foremost. It has been the only constant in my troubled past few months. Love,
This was written on a card that he left at my door one night. Of course, during that same night in question we were apart because he needed time alone.. with his best friend the bottle. Yes, he was drunk when he wrote this. I recall (not fondly) that ALL of his gifts were given under the influence of alcohol or immediately afterwards to apologize for acting like an a** the night before.
So this morning, all of those "momentos"once cherished are now in the trash.
Good riddance!
Here is an example:
Dear....
I don't have a lot to offer you right now. I'm short on money, time and patience. In light of that, your unconditional love for me is a blessing to me. Our mutual attraction to each other blinds us at times. I look beyond that everyday and look forward to your smiling face foremost. It has been the only constant in my troubled past few months. Love,
This was written on a card that he left at my door one night. Of course, during that same night in question we were apart because he needed time alone.. with his best friend the bottle. Yes, he was drunk when he wrote this. I recall (not fondly) that ALL of his gifts were given under the influence of alcohol or immediately afterwards to apologize for acting like an a** the night before.
So this morning, all of those "momentos"once cherished are now in the trash.
Good riddance!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
L.O.L. Thank you for this PB. What a gift to see all that written out, including your summary at the end (particularly loved the "checkity-check-check)!
Like klm said, I do think they take all of their words and speeches out of the same book. Amazing. Truly, I continue to be sorta floored by that.
My exA said all of those things (take out tarragon, add in coffee) and it was definitely "sobering" to read that. Validating, too... After ignoring those kinds of e-mails what came next was "You rejected me after I poured out my heart and soul to you! Do you have any idea how HAAAAAAAARRRRRD that was for me?????!!!"
Nope.
Compassion, yes. Doormat...NO. Thanks for sharing the difference with all of us.
Hugs,
posie
Like klm said, I do think they take all of their words and speeches out of the same book. Amazing. Truly, I continue to be sorta floored by that.
My exA said all of those things (take out tarragon, add in coffee) and it was definitely "sobering" to read that. Validating, too... After ignoring those kinds of e-mails what came next was "You rejected me after I poured out my heart and soul to you! Do you have any idea how HAAAAAAAARRRRRD that was for me?????!!!"
Nope.
Compassion, yes. Doormat...NO. Thanks for sharing the difference with all of us.
Hugs,
posie
, now I feel better...Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
You know, the thing that strikes me about the similarities about the quackings is this---you almost get the feeling that they ENJOYED creating such hammy, overblown, flowery prose--- as if they were friggin' Shakespeare. But I suppose when it comes right down to it, quacking really is an excercise in vanity for them. Especially when the A is also a narcissist, which I'm pretty sure my STBXAH was. Quacking just gives them an outlet to assuage any sort of mild anxiety they may be feeling at the loss of a codie partner, since to them , they ARE making an EFFORT here, geez--LOOK HOW I'M POURING MY HEART OUT TO YOU! But when you get right down to it---quacking is ALL they think they have to do to get us back. They just think we're that easy. LEt that sink in for a minute.
My new motto regarding myself: Hard to get. Harder to keep.
In other words, pretty words and false promises just aren't going to cut it any more. There better be something of fabulous substance in my next partner, and he better show me that every day. One thing I am grateful for with my time with my A is that it really showed me what I don't want, and highlighted the codieness in me that I need to fix so that I don't walk right back into the same situation with someone else one day.
Oh, and I'm also glad that I get to share such high humor with you fine people!
My new motto regarding myself: Hard to get. Harder to keep.
In other words, pretty words and false promises just aren't going to cut it any more. There better be something of fabulous substance in my next partner, and he better show me that every day. One thing I am grateful for with my time with my A is that it really showed me what I don't want, and highlighted the codieness in me that I need to fix so that I don't walk right back into the same situation with someone else one day.
Oh, and I'm also glad that I get to share such high humor with you fine people!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Leise 
Paintbaby, if you don't mind, I'm borrowing your motto... it's freaking awesome!! I wonder if I could get it printed on a t-shirt for all of us codies. LOL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Leise
Paintbaby, if you don't mind, I'm borrowing your motto... it's freaking awesome!! I wonder if I could get it printed on a t-shirt for all of us codies. LOL
Yep.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Oh, and I'm also glad that I get to share such high humor with you fine people!
He almost needs some theme music for his "hard walk alone, no one understands me"
OMG! That is exactly what I used to ruminate about for hours when drunk!
It's hilarious! Terminally unique is right. No one gave a damn about my lonely road except my alcoholic mind. Good God, that was hilarious.
And yes, heard the same things from my ex, but not quite so eloquent.
More like "you are a b****!" and five minutes later, "love you so much!"
How about Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"?
I walk these lonely streets,
along the boulevard of broken dreams.
hehehehehe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Such a great post!! One of the last email exchanges I had with my stbxah went something like this:
The marriage deteriorated because of my drinking ( yet he quit AA)
I was abusive and a non husband ( was dating his girfriend at that time I later found out)
We were never good for each other ( I wouldnt ignore his drinking so I was bad for him)
You cant blame yourself (like he is my therapist and suddenly enlighted)
You has a tramatic childhood so maybe marriage isnt for you ( no..drunken archie on my couch was my issue)
Your deserve nothing but the best (thanks for that realization and trying to get my guilt in full swing)
I have not made any good choices and now I have lost it all (yet he is dating someone and falsifying his college diploma to get a job)
blah blah blah..
He is still dating the girl but with more knowledge now of how to fool her taken from our marriage. His manipulation tacts are way better these days.
One day I hope it all bites him in the arse :0 ) No hard feelings. I am working through my recovery and man does it hurt at times but at least I dont have to live a life of lies anymore.
Hugs
Lulu
The marriage deteriorated because of my drinking ( yet he quit AA)
I was abusive and a non husband ( was dating his girfriend at that time I later found out)
We were never good for each other ( I wouldnt ignore his drinking so I was bad for him)
You cant blame yourself (like he is my therapist and suddenly enlighted)
You has a tramatic childhood so maybe marriage isnt for you ( no..drunken archie on my couch was my issue)
Your deserve nothing but the best (thanks for that realization and trying to get my guilt in full swing)
I have not made any good choices and now I have lost it all (yet he is dating someone and falsifying his college diploma to get a job)
blah blah blah..
He is still dating the girl but with more knowledge now of how to fool her taken from our marriage. His manipulation tacts are way better these days.
One day I hope it all bites him in the arse :0 ) No hard feelings. I am working through my recovery and man does it hurt at times but at least I dont have to live a life of lies anymore.
Hugs
Lulu
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
