Jenny1232

Actually, I have that thread bookmarked. I haven't had a chance to start reading it yet, but it's on my list. Thank you for sharing that, as I now know I NEED to read it!

murrill

And did you know that almost all of the abnormal psych diagnoses typically affect women---with the except of the sexual ones where men are overwhelmingly identified?
Good to hear from you, zenbear. You should come around more often.

murrill

Jenny, I've done, too: Forgotten who I was--if I even knew--just to be in a "relationship." I used to have a friend who had different wardrobes so she could wear whatever would appeal to the guy she was dating. Once sober I thought I was cured, that I would be immune to the kind of sick thinking that led me to sick relationships. It didn't. No, it took several more, though each time I treated myself a bit better than before....got out a little quicker each time. Everyone said, "You can't expect someone to love you until you love yourself." I verbalized agreement, but I thought, "That sounds like the kind of BS that belongs on a poster in a college dorm." I would later discover it was true.
I was a magnet for sociopaths: I was vulnerable, and people like that have a sixth sense. At some point I grew tired of trying to figure who was decent and who was a player; I worked on myself by getting into healthy friendships. In effect, I stopped being someone a sociopath would want. I became very comfortable in my own company. If I am with someone it is because I want to be with them, not because I need them. There is a lot more integrity in that than hanging onto someone for dear life.
At one time there was a popular book Women Who Love Too Much. I recall only one line--near the end, I think: Hungry women make poor shoppers. that rang true with me. Another book is The Sociopath Next Door. I skimmed through it while standing in Barnes & Noble, but I got the gist of it: They are among us.

HoopNinja

You know I was so alone when I was still with stbxah I am not sure when to start the clock. I sure as heck did not want any intimacy of ANY kind with him for at least 2 or 3 years before I left. Vomiting and crapping your pants while hanging over the toilet is just SUCH a turn off :rotfxko

Heck, you would have thought he would leave. Although I've heard lately he had that covered too.

Jenny-1st XAH--he was the poster child for the emotional abuser in that Romeo link. I was a train wreck when he left. He had totally isolated me from everyone, but he was very full of charm and charisma. Not to be crass but as an investigator friend of mine said to me once--he must be able to make that thang sing for you to hang around as long as you did. But I had a complete breakdown when he left. One day he just stopped loving me. Just like that.

I had my first full-blown episode of depression and had cyclic panic attacks for about 3 months. However, when he started to lose control of me after he left (because he was still trying to draw me in--with his thang )--the messages I used to get on my voice mail. Talk about hate filled. I came to work one day and there were 3 and they got progressively worse as the evening wore on and he drank more. I had the locks changed on my apartment. I told the other tenants to keep an eye out for him because I discovered before we went out that he had stalked me for close to 10 years (I knew him because I had worked with him and we dated briefly and I ended it--that is when the stalking began).

I agree--you are miles ahead of where I was at 23. Heck, I am very very old now so once I came here and realized I had married another alcoholic (he was not as severe an emotional abuser--he is just delusional) leaving, although hard, had already been processed somewhat before I did it.

I am sort of in the place where I am not remotely interested in another relationship right now. As my friends tell me--my picker is broken--and I have to agree. Perhaps when my picker is at least functioning to the level that I can see someone for what they are and not feel like diving into a whirlpool that will suck me down-then maybe I will think about it. Right now, uh uh, even if he has a thang that can talk (hee, hee).

Learn2Live

The way I understand it for myself, honestly, is that I am attracted to "unavailable" men BECAUSE I like and WANT to live alone. I think the problem does not originate within me, but originates with my SOCIETY, my culture, which TELLS me (everywhere, all the time) that I NEED to be with someone and that I SHOULD be with someone. Hell, I can't even go to a restaurant alone without feeling uncomfortable.

The bad feelings I get are not innate depression or anxiety or some psychobabble about my childhood wounds, but they are simply the cognitive dissonance I feel as a result of the huge contradiction between what MY INNER BEING, my soul, PREFERS and what my psyche TELLS ME I want (based on what I see and what my culture dictates).

It's nice to have a companion. It's nice to do things with others some times. It's nice to share common interests and have someone around who makes me laugh. But I really like my own space, I love the peace that surrounds me, I love to have complete control over everything that occurs within my space. I love the confidence I get from knowing that if I don't like the way something in my life is, I have the power to change it. I don't have to ask anyone else to do it, and I don't have to ask permission. I like the predictability of my own routine, and knowing that I do not have to change it if I do not want to. Call me selfish, but I like being selfish. Took me a LONG time and A LOT of tears, heartache, and feelings of wanting to JUST DIE to get here, but I LOVE IT.

Hope I didn't go OT.

isitme

not feeling very eloquent right now, but I can relate to almost everything said in this thread. Thanks for making me feel normal! Ha!

suki44883

It's nice to have a companion. It's nice to do things with others some times. It's nice to share common interests and have someone around who makes me laugh. But I really like my own space, I love the peace that surrounds me, I love to have complete control over everything that occurs within my space. I love the confidence I get from knowing that if I don't like the way something in my life is, I have the power to change it. I don't have to ask anyone else to do it, and I don't have to ask permission. I like the predictability of my own routine, and knowing that I do not have to change it if I do not want to. Call me selfish, but I like being selfish. Took me a LONG time and A LOT of tears, heartache, and feelings of wanting to JUST DIE to get here, but I LOVE IT.

Me, too!

hello-kitty

Now I'm on Sookie Sackhouse.... Club Dead.

Live

I vote we take a fun day...go to an amusement park and ride all the rollercoasters and laugh and scream having a blast!

We can't be thinking of this all the time...sometimes we need to override it and let it go...helps hugely

Jenny1232

Live, I agree. I am leaving tomorrow to go to the beach for a week, and I certainly hope it helps. I'm back in my four day rut... so it's time is about up! Seems I only get one day off.

I was thinking about it on the way to work... as I drove I just cried AGAIN. I'm trying to use the 'power of positive thinking', but it doesn't seem to work at all for me. Is there some trick to it? What could I be doing wrong? Perhaps still dwelling on what happened. I can not shut my mind up, hard as I try.

I have therapy tonight and it feels like it's been forever. I'm really starting to contemplate anti-depressants. I hate them for feeling numb, but I think I'd rather be numb now. I'm wondering if I should just ride it out, and see how much longer this funk lasts. I'm pretty certain in a day or two, I will be LOVING life, thinking "I don't need medicine"... but it always comes back to this. Hmmm.

You all made really great points - thank you.

Live

Well, Gal it is so recent and you were INJURED. You were abused. That doesn't just go away with a magical mind switch.

You may need meds. Your therapist would know more about that. I know I am a much better me with my meds.

One of my favorite "tricks" was to throw eggs at trees, SPLAT and take that you lousy $%^*&()^)(%#$^(^ and I am so pizzed off to be hurt and crying and that you hurt me and on and on.

I am a world of envy that you are going to the beach...I love the sound of the waves...they are both violent and soothing....that helps my mind immensely!

If you are going to think about him anyway, the more you fight it the more it becomes a struggle. Draw ugly pictures of him, make it a cartoon. Fantasize and get the pain out. I don't mean fantasizing all's well and ya'll are together...get out your anger and see if you can insert some humor. I can pm you tons of salty insults! LOL

I like to read alot of the Dalai Lama....that is wonderful, compassionate and soothing as well as make you think (and along a different track and mindset, as well)

Also there are humorous murder mysteries..I just read a light Janet Evanowich (I know I don't recall the last name correctly but it is kinda close)

You can kick sand, bury your toes in it, throw things into the ocean, talk and mutter to yourself. Wear a silly hat and sillier sunglasses.

I will think of more.

You ARE going to be okay and better than okay.
I think you are just smashingly wonderful!

Jenny1232

Throwing eggs at trees! Why have I never thought of that?!?! LOL, your post made me laugh this morning! I love your advice!

Oh, your inbox is too full for me to message you!

"you are going to think about him anyway, the more you fight it the more it becomes a struggle."

My therapist reminded me yesterday that I cannot make myself NOT think about him, (or any negative self-talk) but I CAN add more "positives" into the mix, which will put the negatives at the wayside. We're working on awareness, mindfullness and not trying to necessarily stop my thought patterns, but to think 'differently'. I can't really word it right - but it made total sense!

coffeedrinker

i remember about a year after my xah got sober, being grateful for the alcoholic in my life. what a shift in thinking!
and now, more recently, i think i may actually be grateful for the lessons that xabf provided. i can't put into words how profoundly painful some of the moments were with him, and during the extended break-up period (but i don't need to, for you guys understand this), yet i still think:
"needed it. lessons needed" and that gives me solace.

jenny, you are gonna be in such good shape one of these days, because of your introspection, because of your willingness to do what you need to, and because of your attitude. you are exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.

Jenny1232

Coffeedrinker - you never fail to uplift my spirits, thank you! You've really helped me through so much of this! I hope you are in a much better place now. I haven't had the energy to read anyone's posts lately and I feel kind of bad about that. I really am grateful for the lessons he is teaching me as well, as hard as they may be, and even though he never loved me... I wouldn't get to where I WANT TO BE if this didn't happen - that I know for sure.

My therapist yesterday said a lot of nice things about me as a person - as far as what HE sees with me. It's amazing how I view myself, and how OTHERS view me. If only I can begin to shift my focus to my positive traits. I gotta say, getting a new therapist was a GREAT idea! He's far more educated (not that that always matters), and he offers a realm of treatment styles. I feel like he's more than a sounding board though, because he's truly challenging my thoughts.

fourmaggie

OHHH gosh, was I on holidays that long to see how long this post has gotten? LOL

well, widowed hood has added to the mix...I was about 6 years....um NOTHING, ZIP, ZERO!! can I go on....???

I had to add them all in because well, they suit this S_E_X_ purpose!L LMAO!!

fourmaggie

you are exactly where you need to be, doing what you need to do.

funny, I just learned this too...I have my tools for what I NEED at this moment...YOU have your tools for WHAT you NEED at this moment...I learned this with ENVY...I was envious of a goodlooking friend of mine...realize she was envious of me, when I admitted to her..."its not all PRETTY face" she said...realize I wasting my energy of this...humm...well, that was what I learned....from AL ANON

Jenny1232

Funny you mention how she was envious of you too... it just goes to show how truly dissatisfied the majority of us are; always wanting what we DON'T have, and just our insatiable thirst for EVERYTHING!

Six years, yikes (no offense)! I'm sure you become 'numb' eventually. I went two years once... so I know it's POSSIBLE.

You seem to hold such a happy-go-lucky attitude.. you seem spunky, lol. I like it!

fourmaggie

to me, it was a deep lesson learned...I am ME and thats all that counts...i realize that now

Oooh god! lets not go there! you have no idea! especially when you ummm, had it, all the time!!

why thank you so much! and well, that is ME!! and proud of it