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An eerie truth

Old 07-24-2010, 08:57 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Jenny: read all I could about alcoholics and manipulative people early on. It kept me informed and in the moment when he started with the BS. Keep reading and reading and reading!
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Old 07-24-2010, 11:55 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I also had to read a lot about him when I started recovery. I was so into my disease (codependency) that I had to reprogram myself. I had to see what it was that I was detaching from .That was my process. Now after 2 years I KNOW what I am detaching from. Knowledge is power. The process taught me that it makes NO sense whatsoever to react to something that is not real /insanity/ quacking or whatever else we can call it.

Now I refrain from dwelling on his issues - and I bring myself back to ME quickly when I find my mind wandering off to "how could he" or "why did he". I am powerless over others.

I had to learn who he was in order to find me also. Hopes it makes sense.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:00 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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ummm back to Jenny...I wonder sometimes if WE just over analyze? I mean that is where I STOP! THINK!, and yes its a waste of my time and energy....just move forward and read yes...but just go "HUMM...that makes sense now" and move on....
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Old 07-25-2010, 09:10 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I'm reading Sookie Sackhouse - Living Dead in Dallas. :-) Nothing like a fun little beach read to remind me that life is mostly simple, serene and happy - as long as you stay away from the blood sucking freaks.
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Old 07-25-2010, 02:37 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I, like whoever said, need to read things to try and understand. If I do not understand, I continue to beat myself up. Hey, maybe I will NEVER understand, but at least I will have a better understanding, and be able to be on the look out. Like someone mentioned, I will certainly be able to pay more attention to red flags now.

Luckily for me, my pleasure comes from reading anything psychologically based. In my teens, I was consumed by reading about serial killers... Considering most, if not all, serial killers are psychopaths, I'm making out by learning, and pleasurable reading.

I used to lay in bed next to 'exAbf' reading my books on serial killers, and I remembered I would always blurt out, "This sounds JUST like you". This was before I ever even considered him to be a psychopath. He always got very upset saying, "why do you read that crap". Why? It interests me. Now, I see her was worried I was discovering him out! Maybe not, but he always got irritated when I read up on psychopaths (long, long before I ever suspected this).

There goes my mini rant. I do spend my time reading OTHER things, but as DollyDo said, knowledge is power.. and I need it. I want it. I crave it. It is enjoyment to me.

Okay, thanks!
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Old 07-27-2010, 03:21 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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same here, Jenny...I am a book addict
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:33 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Today just sucks... I hate today. I can't even read books to ease my stupid mind.

Just needed to rant - because, I'm SOOO unhappy.
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:01 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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i used to lay in bed next to 'exabf' reading ... Books on serial killers, and i ... Would ... Blurt out, "this sounds just like you".
bah hah hah hah hah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfxko
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:18 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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LOL, thanks for the laugh. It took me a long time to realize... that it WAS just like him.

As I've been reading more on psychopaths, I see less of him though. I realize not all psychopaths are criminals, and they're all different to the degree of just how "cold-blooded" they are. I realize I cannot diagnose him... but if I go on believing he's a true psychopath, then it will be much easier to let go. He just fits SO much of the description, and they put on such a show, it's truly hard to tell.

The author of the book, who's done research for over fifteen years on psychopaths admitted himself, that he'd been 'conned' quite a few times as well. Sick world.

I need an outlet, so I'm just writing away here. I left work yesterday, and I just cried and cried. I'm a bit perturbed that he still gets to me. I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow!

Is there anyone who cried for MONTHS? It's been almost four months of steady tears. It's not even the lonely factor - it's the lies, the insignificance, the fact that I put EVERYTHING I had into our relationship.. only to be dismissed at the arrival of a new woman (not that it matters).

I have a lot on my mind... and I cannot journal right now. So excuse this post, and take it merely as a 'journal' entry.

I was reading my old blogs from over a year ago... and I see MAJOR regression on my part. I was going through the breakup (well, nine months into my breakup) from my other ex, and I swore I'd never get treated that way again. I was preaching to myself 'self-love', and basically everything I tell myself now. Yet, I somehow managed to get into an even WORSE situation. It was quite a blow, and it made me feel pretty crappy about myself. I wonder, will I learn this time around? I like to think yes. One month after meeting 'X' I posted a blog that said,

"He is such a nice guy, that sometimes I question whether it is genuine niceneess. I like to think so, but I can't help but have a small sense of doubt".

Lesson learned: Trust your instincts. Something felt off, I knew it, I ignored it. I like to think I did learn something valuable here.

Why oh why, am I still stuck? I try not to be. I try to move forward. Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day reading on confidence building, boundaries, negative thinking, and anything geared towards HELPING ME. I'm trying to shift the focus, but it's just so damn hard.
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Old 07-28-2010, 06:03 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Lesson learned: Trust your instincts. Something felt off, I knew it, I ignored it. I like to think I did learn something valuable here.
You DID learn something. I am one of those who can twist everything to make it "OK", when I should go with my gut.
Lets try to go with our guts, and not with the illness that keeps us stuck.
OK Jenny?

Last edited by wicked; 07-28-2010 at 06:06 AM. Reason: spelled jenny wrong! hehehehe
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Old 07-28-2010, 06:41 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Ok Beth!

Maybe I am lonely... yeah. Thing is... I don't want ANYBODY. I'm lonely, but WANT TO BE ALONE.

Does that make sense? Is that normal?

My standards and expections are so high now, I doubt I'll really meet someone! Need to focus on school anyway.

Thanks
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Old 07-28-2010, 06:45 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Does that make sense? Is that normal?
Yep, I am lonely, but I am trying to learn how to leave that space open for a minute.
It does feel a little weird not having some crisis of my or another's making pending.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me, because I want someone, but in the state I am in, it would not be good, healthy or balanced. It would distract me from what I need to do for myself now.

Beth
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:04 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Can I ask how long you have been 'single' or apart from a 'lover' / 'patner'?

The idea of going a few years without a someone is rather scary, yet liberating at the same time!

I tend to lose myself in a relationship, so while I want someone to love (god, that sounds pathetic).. I want myself more... and I like being free. It's all contradicting, and rather confusing to separate my wants/needs/desires. The idea of being alone sounds so delightful... but it also is filled with so much pain. It's like, can't I have em' both?! ;-p
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:35 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Jenny, Ann Rule RULES!!!
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:39 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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geez,
i went ten years without someone, and then found someone so completely unavailable it boggles the mind. it was fun for a while. but lesson learned.

i was also severely depressed during alot of this time, so i wasnt "shining it on" like i can.
:rotfxko

yeah, i know what you mean, losing myself, talk about collapsed boundaries.
i had none, didnt even recognize myself, and then wonder what went wrong?
hehehehehe
i am almost giddy now that i am getting it. and i will get it.
my boundaries which were weak anyway, disappeared when i found someone because my fear of abandonment is so deep, it colors every move i make.
i was trying to repair or "fix" the non relationship i had with my alcoholic father, who has been dead nearly twenty years. okay, that is not working.
:rotfxko

i am willing to try something else now. be my true self, which is pretty damn cool, and if someone comes along that wants what i am, all that i am, we can work something out.

Beth
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:04 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Is there anyone who cried for MONTHS?

Why oh why, am I still stuck? I try not to be. I try to move forward. Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day reading on confidence building, boundaries, negative thinking, and anything geared towards HELPING ME. I'm trying to shift the focus, but it's just so damn hard.
Jenny, you are so much like me, you are SCARING me Can I ask, please, just out of curiosity, how old are you?

Months? Try a year and a half. My family got so sick of it, my sister wanted to just SHAKE me. You are "stuck" because you need to be "stuck" right now. There is something that you need to see before you can get un-stuck. There is nothing wrong with you, this is just the way it needs to be right now. When you are ready, when you have learned the lesson you need to learn, when you are ready to let go, YOU WILL. In the meantime USE the pain to provide you the motivation to do EXACTLY what you are doing: LEARNING. It is GREAT that you are reading about these things and looking at YOU. THAT Jenny is the process of building emotional maturity. Do you know how many people NEVER look at themselves the way you are? Do you have ANY idea how blessed you truly are to be going through what you are going through? I guess it IS hard to know while you are going through it; I forget.

My advice for this time in your life is only to please make sure that at some point, you ask yourself, "WHAT have I been doing with an alcoholic/drug addict? Why have I been so attracted to a person who is addicted and acts the way he acts? What is it about ME?" This is part of the reason why I so strongly recommend Al-Anon attendance, at least for a few months.

Anyway, here is what my sister told me when I also got discouraged about being stuck. Not sure if I can say it as eloquently right now as I should but you'll get the picture.
What you are experiencing is depression. Depression is NECESSARY for all human beings at some point in their life or another. Think of this time in your life as a season: Winter. Think of yourself as a flower, like a daffodil. In the Autumn, we see the beautiful things in our life begin to fade to brown, we watch the leaves begin to fall from the trees, and our OWN leaves begin to fade and wither. By the time the ground freezes in Winter, we have retreated into a bulb underneath the ground. We have gathered water and nutrients from the ground around us and we use the Winter time to rest and re-gather our strength. But Winter can be long so we have to be patient and wait for the sun to get high enough in the sky and strong enough to melt the snow and thaw the ground. We have to wait for the Spring time, so that we will have gathered enough strength to be ready when the time comes to push our leaves through the ground toward the sun that will feed us. This way, when it comes our time to bloom, we will be the STRONGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL flower.

Jenny, you're just in Winter honey. And when your Springtime comes, I just know it, it's gonna' be: LOOK OUT World.
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Old 07-28-2010, 08:37 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
my boundaries which were weak anyway, disappeared when i found someone because my fear of abandonment is so deep, it colors every move i make.
i was trying to repair or "fix" the non relationship i had with my alcoholic father

i am willing to try something else now. be my true self, which is pretty damn cool, and if someone comes along that wants what i am, all that i am, we can work something out.
I like your attitude towards it!

I still cannot grasp the entire concept behind trying to "fix" what was lacking, or broken in childhood, through finding it in adult life. With such a strong fear of abandonment (myself included), it's hard to see why we latch on to the people WHO ABANDON US. I think for me, it's feeling inferior, and that the ones who are likely to stay, I don't feel good enough for. I don't see it as trying to link together the missing pieces.. do you?

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Jenny, you are so much like me, you are SCARING me Can I ask, please, just out of curiosity, how old are you?

Anyway, here is what my sister told me when I also got discouraged about being stuck.
What you are experiencing is depression. Depression is NECESSARY for all human beings at some point in their life or another. Think of this time in your life as a season: Winter. Think of yourself as a flower, like a daffodil. In the Autumn, we see the beautiful things in our life begin to fade to brown, we watch the leaves begin to fall from the trees, and our OWN leaves begin to fade and wither. By the time the ground freezes in Winter, we have retreated into a bulb underneath the ground. We have gathered water and nutrients from the ground around us and we use the Winter time to rest and re-gather our strength. But Winter can be long so we have to be patient and wait for the sun to get high enough in the sky and strong enough to melt the snow and thaw the ground. We have to wait for the Spring time, so that we will have gathered enough strength to be ready when the time comes to push our leaves through the ground toward the sun that will feed us. This way, when it comes our time to bloom, we will be the STRONGEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL flower.

Jenny, you're just in Winter honey. And when your Springtime comes, I just know it, it's gonna' be: LOOK OUT World.
WOW L2L, LOVED IT! Beautifully written! Wise sister of yours!

Actually, I was reading your posts the other day, and I too was scared at how 'similar' we seemed. I recall something about insecurity/jealousy in relationships, and as HARD as I try... I just cannot STOP being jealous. Oh, I'm 23 years old.

I was thinking yesterday, how if given the oppportunity to change the events, I would't do so. In a sick way, I do feel lucky. It hurts so badly, but I know I'm growing in a way that I NEED TO. I lack ANY emotional maturity, and it drives me crazy. With all that has happened, I'm actually seeking it out, finally! I didn't consider the thought of 'needing' to be stuck, but I'll take what you said! It makes absolute sense!
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Old 07-28-2010, 09:46 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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23!?!?!?! Girl you are AMAZING!!! It is just incredible to me how advanced and intelligent and self-reflective you are at that age!!! You are gonna' be All Right. By the time you are 30 you will be light years ahead, you'll see!
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:17 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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awww, thanks... that makes me feel good though. It's hard when most people here are light years ahead of me, and just reinforces my belief that I suck, haha!

Someone at work just got on me for being in a funk for two days. I just can't fake happiness anymore. Not sure what to do.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:30 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
.
I am trying to learn why I am so attracted to men who are unavailable. such as my alcoholic father. I understand the reasons, but why keep doing it?
I think the thread Learn started about boundaries, that HWC posted a lot about abandonment, answers this million dollar question.
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