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Old 07-25-2010, 09:43 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Shall I make this thread a sticky?

Mike
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Old 07-25-2010, 09:51 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Yes! Sticky! Please.
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:11 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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wow... just want to say thanks to all.. this is a good post... with alot of good info....i am sooo glad i found this site and became a member.....
thanks a bunch
Jen
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:16 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I vote for sticky-fying.
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:55 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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me too some very good posts thank u all xxx
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Old 07-25-2010, 12:14 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Oh Wicked
I have been reading your posts - what heartbreak! I was telling my daughter about it this morning, she's 12. I hope you don't mind.
Oh no, I don't mind at all, as a matter of fact if any young girl can learn early about acceptable and unacceptable behavior from my daughter's mistakes it will be a miracle.
And it is all about sharing our experience strength and hope.

she learned early and well about her father being unreliable and an addict. she learned some codependency from me, trying to get him to change into something he is not.
the struggle continues, but there is always hope.

Beth
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Old 07-25-2010, 12:36 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I'm what you consider a "double winner" heck.. probably triple or quad..alcoholic/addict in recovery, raised in alcoholic/addict homes, been in love with addict/alcoholic men. I read and post int he substance, abuse room, alcoholism room, this one, F&F of subtance abusers etc.. we are all not that different..we just have different addictions. Like the OP mentioned she couldn't believe how selfish those alcoholics seem in their posts..we alcoholics wonder why codies are so meddling, and willing to give their lives up to "us". As soon as we realize we're fighting the same battle, and not from different sides, true healing can be done, I believe. There will be alcoholics who drink themselves to the grave, and lots of codies following right behind wondering how they can fix it..there will be alcoholics who embrace recovery and live the rest of their beautiful lives with their healthy indepenent loved ones. There will be some mixture of those 'ends' to every story here.. you are the author of your part. How does yours end?
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Old 07-25-2010, 02:36 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi Smacked!!

I love your post but...
Like the OP mentioned she couldn't believe how selfish those alcoholics seem in their posts..we alcoholics wonder why codies are so meddling, and willing to give their lives up to "us".
Why is it that people who fall in love or love alcoholics are called "Codies"?

I love a man who is sweet, sexy, hard working, kind, smart, loves his family and who is an Alcoholic.

His addiction masked those qualities a lot of time. But they were still there, buried under pain and resentment from experiences I had nothing to do with. That being said I did have my breaking point, where I gave up and ended it.
Cold turkey! No contact - Done

As soon as we realize we're fighting the same battle, and not from different sides, true healing can be done, I believe. There will be alcoholics who drink themselves to the grave, and lots of codies following right behind wondering how they can fix it..there will be alcoholics who embrace recovery and live the rest of their beautiful lives with their healthy indepenent loved ones.
(thank you for saying the above)

My RAH knows I could have lived the rest of my life just fine without him and he knows that I stayed with him during those hellish times because I loved him.

He appreciates and cherishes that now, because through is recovery he has learned it is a blessing to FEEL truly loved.
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Old 07-25-2010, 02:36 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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And being a sticky would be very cool!
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Old 07-25-2010, 02:57 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Personally, I never liked the term "codie" or "co-dependent," but that's just me. I do recognize that's it a shorthand term for a collection of behaviors that often accompany being in a relationship of any kind with an alcoholic or addict.

It's hard for me to explain why it bothers me--I suppose it's the implication (for me) that it's an innate personality trait rather than a coping mechanism for trying to live with insane behavior. We get gaslighted enough and we stop knowing what's real.

It's not a big deal, I'm not terribly offended by it, just don't use it, myself.
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Old 07-25-2010, 03:16 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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hey Lexie
do recognize that's it a shorthand term for a collection of behaviors that often accompany being in a relationship of any kind with an alcoholic or addict.
Can you be more specific?

I'm pretty sure I did none of it - just double checking
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Old 07-25-2010, 03:31 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
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me stick, you stick, lets ALL stick together!!
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Old 07-25-2010, 03:34 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Hmmm, let's see...

Thinking that if we act a certain way we can influence the alcoholic's recovery (for the better, that is)

Waiting for the other shoe to drop... all the time

Allowing the alcoholic's bad behavior to feel like a reflection on US

Believing the lies they tell

Doubting the truth other people tell us

Rationalizing

Taking responsibility for being the peace-keeper between the alcoholic and other people

I know I did all that stuff for awhile.
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Old 07-25-2010, 04:27 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Done stickied under "Classic Reading"

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Old 07-25-2010, 05:47 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Personally, I never liked the term "codie" or "co-dependent," but that's just me. I do recognize that's it a shorthand term for a collection of behaviors that often accompany being in a relationship of any kind with an alcoholic or addict.

It's hard for me to explain why it bothers me--I suppose it's the implication (for me) that it's an innate personality trait rather than a coping mechanism for trying to live with insane behavior. We get gaslighted enough and we stop knowing what's real.

It's not a big deal, I'm not terribly offended by it, just don't use it, myself.
Yeah, me either. But, not all of us are the same, just like not all A's are the same. I didn't try to change my A, other than the obvious (get help, cause you can't be around me or the kid like this). I didn't check up after him, or follow him, or read his emails. I didn't measure the levels of booze in the bottles (ha, too many to do that too!).

But, I did believe the lies, and question what was real. And I did walk on eggshells. It WAS a reaction to living with the insanity, and an effort on my part to safeguard my daughter and myself. And I did it until it made me sick.

I wasn't raised by alcoholic or abusive parents. I didn't understand what the heck it was all about. Once I realized that this jerk was going to continue to be abusive regardless of how dry he was, I left.

Now I have to figure out WHY I was so stupid and trusting. And fix it.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:09 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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What I find so inspiring about recovery is that in spite of the fact that we are all different we still come together to help each other thru this hardship. There's lots of different ways to recover, whether al-anon, CODA, therapy, church groups, etc. etc. There's lots of different names for us, and lots of different lists that describe our "traits". Each has their place and purpose.

There is one thing, however, that we all have in common. That is the pain of watching someone we love be consumed by this horrid disease. To me, there is nothing as inspiring as watching a whole group of strangers reach out to the new person who just arrived filled with fear. No matter how different we all are, when it comes down to the real meat of the matter, there's nobody in the world with the depth of kindness and compassion as a codie..... er..... alanoid..... er..... whatever you wanna be called

Mike
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:51 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Thank you guys for that clarification and just as I thought - not me at all!

Regarding the "codie" traits: Possible? 90% of the population at one time or another can relate to all or at least half of the "codie" list.

Now I have to figure out WHY I was so stupid and trusting. And fix it.
No Still waters - Not stupid - Human.

I know you're asking - what's the difference? - I don't think there is one.

But this is how I try to make sense of the WHY!? It's a little deep but bare with me...

We are all BORN with the instinct to love and trust unconditionally. We are create to feel all these HUMAN emotions. Right?

Then you throw in alcohol, drugs (the endless list of addictions, problems, modern stresses) that have existed through generations - and you screw up the schematics of our lives.

Of the way our lives and relationship were intended to be. Now we are left - learning how to cope. Fighting nature.

I mean really? Is it supposed to be this way?

Anyway - Thank you Mike
What I find so inspiring about recovery is that in spite of the fact that we are all different we still come together to help each other thru this hardship.
Recovery of all kinds-
Even someone who suffering from something not addiction related can benefit from forums like this and the 12 step program.

Maybe that would be a good thread starter - How WE all work the steps and if we don't why? (although there must be one, i"ll check)

Thank you again!
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Old 07-31-2010, 07:12 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I mean really? Is it supposed to be this way?


well....being in RECOVERY you now SEE it.....its like when you buy a new car, ur in the car, and realize others have the same car, BECAUSE YOUR IN IT..
I say "thank god for the addicted/alcoholic" because I see my recovery as a HEALTHY one (for me)
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Old 07-31-2010, 09:19 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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I mean really? Is it supposed to be this way?


ChrrisT I am so glad you asked this, and it made me chuckle!

I think one of the biggest and hardest things for me to change in my thinking habits was my belief in how things "should" be. I just knew the right way to do everything and had the best ideas for how to clean up everyone's messes. Why couldn't they just SEE how things SHOULD be??!!

Letting go of expectations, of all the "shoulds" was a huge step for me in breaking out of denial and stopping the creation of resentments.

Seeing how hard it has been for me to change myself once I identified my OWN problems clearly, has given me alot more compassion and detachment when I look at other people's addictions/problems and has released me from the impulse to compare reality with how things "should" be - which is a slippery slope back into bad habits for me.

Great thread!
Peace
B
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Old 07-31-2010, 03:48 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Letting go of expectations, of all the "shoulds" was a huge step for me in breaking out of denial and stopping the creation of resentments.
I am still working on this. It is a difficult one.

Resentment is a very dangerous thing. Especially while driving, I'm so distracted, talking and yelling to myself. Thank God for Bluetooth, I don't look like a nut job.

But kidding aside, it can eat you alive.

Thank you for the post
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