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So Confused

Old 07-24-2010, 09:48 AM
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So Confused

So my ex whom I just broke up with 3 weeks ago's mom died yesterday in an accident, she was drunk. He was at the bar by himself and was just an absolute mess, so even after all we've been through, I broke down and went to go see him. I brought him back to my house and he stayed the night. I thought I was getting better, and getting over him by being away but now that I was around him again it's like reliving the loss all over again. I want so badly for this to be a beacon of light for him, for him to find sobriety since alcohol took his mother away. He says he wants me back and that he can quit drinking, but he thinks he can do it on his own, and he says he might slip up, so that pretty much means that he's not being serious about it.

I am so confused/mad/depressed/frustrated. All I want in this world is for him to realize he needs to get help and quit drinking so that I can have the person I love all the time. I'm trying very hard not to get enveloped by wishful thinking. We've been through so much and it seems like I'm having a memory lapse now that I'm seeing him hurting like this I can't even care about all the bs I went through with him. I just don't know what to do I am more torn than ever.
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Old 07-24-2010, 10:22 AM
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Dear Miss

That is a sad thing for him.

It sucks that we are flooded with all those empathetic and loving emotions, when stuff like this happens. It's cruel actually.

It's like when you have a baby, no really, while in the worst agony of our (mother's) lives we say NEVER AGAIN! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! I am never doing THAT again!!

But some "other" power has different plans for us. And they make us forget that agony.

Of course the outcome is a bit different.

But the lesson is the same - you need to remember the AGONY!

Keep your control over your life.

Keep us posted
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Old 07-30-2010, 11:17 AM
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SO many mistakes I made. Being there for him for two days. I slept with him which I now MAJORLY regret, seeing as how who knows who he's been iwth since we've been broken up. I'll make a doctors appointment to get tested ASAP and can only pray that I will be alright. I took him to see his family. When we got there they had just woken up, and were hungover, and automatically popped open beers and offered him one at 10AM. He was trying to convince me he was done drinking and turned it down. Told his family that alcohol took his mother and that he couldn't even consider it. I sensed no sincerity in his voice and knew it was just a show. Later that night, on Sunday, I dropped him off at home at 8. He said he wouldn't answer the phone because he was going to sleep. I knew right then that he was going to go out and get drunk.

He called me at 12AM (when the bar closed) and told me he just woke up and was so stressed and couldn't stop sweating. I told him he had been drinking and that I couldn't talk to him anymore, that I tried to be there for him, but he still continues to lie. He told me "how dare you accuse me of drinking, you are supposed to be here for me and you are just making everything worse." Even the next day he called and was still standing his ground saying he wasn't drunk. I told him to never talk to me again.

So the wake was Tuesday and of course I wasn't there because I cannot stand the pain of seeing him or talking to him anymore. Ever since then he's been harassing me saying that I should feel like a bad person for not being there for him, that he put his heart into me being there and I stomped on it. He said that God will get me back for what I did to him, and that he's praying for it, mind you this man doesn't even believe in God. He called at 12AM last night and wanted me to bring a necklace that his mom gave him that he left here. I told him I'd put it in his mailbox tomorrow, and he said if I really loved him I'd give him what he needed right then. He also said I only think about myself.

I just cannot understand how someone can be so blind, so hypocritical. There is no love in his heart, and although it seems crazy, it seems like he doesn't even really feel the pain of losing his mother and is using it more as leverage to try to get to me. How evil is that? I am drained and mad and sometimes wish it were him that went instead of his mother.
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Old 07-30-2010, 11:56 AM
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I just cannot understand how someone can be so blind, so hypocritical. There is no love in his heart, and although it seems crazy, it seems like he doesn't even really feel the pain of losing his mother and is using it more as leverage to try to get to me. How evil is that? I am drained and mad and sometimes wish it were him that went instead of his mother.
Are you serious MissB?? You wish you were dead because of THIS guy???? Stop that!!! There is NO MAN on EARTH who is worth dying over.

Listen, I know you cannot understand HOW or WHY someone would be this way. I didn't either. We involve ourselves with people who do not THINK like us, ACT like us, CARE like us, or FEEL like us and then wonder WHY they are not like us. Then we try to change them to make them BE like us. We fool ourselves by continuing to think they are ONE THING when they are something completely different. And we REFUSE to see the truth.

WhatEVER comes out of his mouth you need to start IGNORING. In fact, why have you not gone No Contact again? Sorry your mom died, pal. Wish you had been sober to have a better relationship with her but NOT.MY.PROBLEM. Sorry you are crying and feel bad that you lost a loved one but I.AM.NOT.A.PSYCHIATRIST. Put the necklace in the mailbox? Are you SERIOUS? Do you have any idea that he is FAKING YOU OUT? He couldn't give a $hit about that necklace and you are falling for it, hook, line, and sinker. Mail it to him. Stop talking to him.

OK, acknowledge your mistake--You fell for it and re-connected with him. LEARN from it: You get hooked when you feel sorry for him. And take action: Go No Contact again. This time you will go a longer period of time. THIS TIME when you start feeling sorry for him for whatever happens in his life, stop yourself from reacting and expend whatever energies and resources you otherwise would expend on HIM, on YOURSELF.
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Old 07-30-2010, 12:07 PM
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Oh missb...I can feel your heartache, but I can also clearly see that you're standing your ground. Good for you!!

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
I slept with him which I now MAJORLY regret, seeing as how who knows who he's been iwth since we've been broken up.
Yep, please go get tested. I just went to get tested a second time, at a different clinic, because I want to be extra certain that XAH didn't leave me with some nasty surprises. Apparently, he was already sleeping with his current GF while we were together.

As for your X...

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
but he still continues to lie
This isn't really surprising though...

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
"how dare you accuse me of drinking, you are supposed to be here for me and you are just making everything worse."
"How dare you mention my addiction when I plan to fully use the fact that my mother just died to get utterly sloshed all the while putting you right back in the role I scripted for you"

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
Ever since then he's been harassing me saying that I should feel like a bad person for not being there for him, that he put his heart into me being there and I stomped on it.
Oh boo hoo, pass the violin. He's USING his mother's passing to try to make you feel guilty. That's despicable.

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
He said that God will get me back for what I did to him, and that he's praying for it,.
Nothing smacks of manipulation like calling on the vengence of God to prove one's point.

Originally Posted by missb89 View Post
he said if I really loved him I'd give him what he needed right then.
Um, what? How very high school of him.

He also said I only think about myself.[/QUOTE]

This is rich too considering that:
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(this from your first post on SR). Good riddance. Stay away from this wacko.
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Old 07-30-2010, 02:07 PM
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I put him on the block list on my phone. I had done this once before but took it off because for some reason I wanted to see if he still wanted to contact me. I guess stupidly to try to convince myself that he still cared, and out of curiosity to see what he would say. Now I realize that the only thing that comes out of my hearing what he has to say is anger and pain, and I know it's not worth it. I'm curious though as to what happens when someone tries to call a blocked number? Will he know he's been blocked and try to call from a different line? Hmm....
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Old 07-30-2010, 02:27 PM
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Hi miss. I too have hoped someone else dies. It is a very raw emotion. I for one have never learned how to manage anger. In fact mostly, women hide their anger and turn it inward. Sadness and silent suffering is OK. But anger? Anger speaks of entitlement and sadly many women like me are raised not to feel entitled to anything, not to feel like a whole unique person with the same rights as anyone. Less-than.

There are things that can be said, and done, that are just cruel. Manipulation and madness is all I see in this guy. I too slept with an XABF after he did many bad things. But I left for good and keep remembering I did all I could. And I was able to leave and am trying to respect myself more.

Have you considered going to a therapist?

I know I have held on to my anger and bitterness for too long. Its not worth it. Hope you are smarter than me and work the feelings so you achieve indifference and peace and can actually move on. And reach the place where it really, REALLY does not matter what he does or tries. Where you remember who you are and focus on important things for you.
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Old 07-30-2010, 02:31 PM
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Miss, my STBXAH lost his mother to drinking, too. She was an alcoholic his whole life, and it eventually killed her when she suffered massive organ failure and shutdown. It hasn't stopped him from drinking, or making the false promises TO stop drinking, or thinking he CAN just stop drinking on his own--"Help is for losers", he has specifically informed me. I heard him, loud and clear.

He isn't going to stop drinking. He doesn't want to stop drinking. Stop taking care of him, because he isn't taking care of you. YOU take care of you, and let him follow his own path, no matter how destructive it may be. You can't change any of it. Don't even waste your energy, or love, or hope in trying to. Just keep focused on finding your happiness, and how to get there.
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:03 AM
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Well he called from another number, what a surprise. He also called my dad around the same time and left a drunken voice mail on both of our phones saying that he would like to thank me and my family for being there for him, and for everything that we did, and if I could please call him tomorrow so he can "thank me properly." I sent a text to his phone (since he cannot respond back) and told him that if he wanted to thank me he could just leave me alone, and that him calling drunk only reminds me exactly of why I left him.

What I don't understand is why he won't leave me alone. He has other people to leach off of. He lives with his grandpa now. He has his bar friends, and I'm sure he even has other women to bother, so why does he insist on talking to me?
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Old 07-31-2010, 11:09 AM
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Trying to understand why an addict/alcoholic does what they do is a lesson in insanity. There is no logical reason. They do it because that's what addicts/alcoholics do.
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Old 07-31-2010, 01:39 PM
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I realize that my constant posts about this one person are probably more than annoying. I guess I do need to check out an Al-Anon meeting but am scared that I will be disappointed. I am feeling closer to needing to check myself into an institution. I cannot, and have not, been able to stop obsessing about this man for our whole relationship, and now a month after it has ended I am still stuck. Trying to decode why he is the way he is. Why he's still calling, why, why, why? I am almost depending on you guys for some magical answers that I know I won't hear. I am going INSANE trying to make myself realize, and accept, that he was ALWAYS using me, ALWAYS lying, probably ALWAYS a cheater, and that he NEVER cared of valued a damn thing that I did for him or said to him. I am trying to hard to make myself understand this and the harder I Try to push it into my brain the more I feel like I am jumping off the deep end. Lord help me.

How can I accept the fact that I never mattered? I don't feel capable of forgiving myself for being SO STUPID that I completely created a person who never existed, and reguardless of a thousand red flags I blatantly ignored them and pressed on. I am mad at him for everything he did but I can never be as mad at him as I am at myself. I see all the truths you guys point out and it makes me want to scream at myself for not seeing it, for not realizing what I was doing to MYSELF, and for WHAT?
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Old 07-31-2010, 01:42 PM
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You are not annoying and I do know just how you feel.
Is there something fun and distracting you can go do for yourself? Read a book, get your hair done, make a little mini vacation out of your weekend?
hugs
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Old 07-31-2010, 01:45 PM
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A professional would be able to help you work through all this missb89. They why's and the how's.

In the mean time, what are you do for YOU today? Got a new book? Have you soaked in the tub lately, just to relax?
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Old 07-31-2010, 02:04 PM
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I think that trying to figure out WHY someone else is the way he or she is, is about as useful as my trying to figure out WHY I'm an alcoholic. It's really kind of a moot point--it is what it is. What matters is what I do about MY problem--my obsession with the other person, my obsession with alcohol.

Figuring out the "why" doesn't fix anything. Despite your belief that it will, it also doesn't give you any closure or peace.

But if you are able to ACCEPT that he is what he is, and move from there, THAT'S when you start to get better. Acceptance really is the answer.

I think you might find Al-Anon very helpful, as long as you realize that it won't give you the answer to the "why". If you are tired enough of feeling miserable and are willing to take a look at your own reactions and how THEY hurt you (he doesn't have the power to hurt you unless you give it to him), you might start feeling a whole lot better.
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Old 07-31-2010, 02:25 PM
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"Trying to decode why he is the way he is. Why he's still calling, why, why, why?"

Because he's an alcoholic.

And we've all felt stupid and mad at ourselves for getting involved with them and even worse for staying involved with them. Be thankful that he is your ex.

What has worked for me is to step into my own life and let him and God take care of him. I'm doing the things I enjoyed before he and I met and I'm spending time with friends that I had before life became crazy. I'm back in church. I went to a counselor. Also AlAnon has been great for me. I've wanted ME back so bad that I am doing everything I know to get me back. And you know what...it's working and it feels great! If my XAH wanted to get better half as bad as I do then he would be doing the same thing.

You can't do anything for him but you can take care of you. And once you start doing that you will begin to feel more positive. Good luck to you.
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Old 07-31-2010, 04:05 PM
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I find it hard to do things for me. I have a 2 month old so the places I feel I can go are limited. I barely have any friends because prior to getting pregnant and having a baby I used to drink a lot myself. Most of my old friends are still the same so I just feel out of place around them, and beyond that I can't call them for emotional support because I realize now that they were just "party friends," and don't want to hear about real life or anything that would be considered a downer. I know I need to meet new people and make new friends but it's a very scary thought for me because of my vast insecurity. I will have to try to find some other way to help myself, and I am going to start looking into counseling ASAP. I also would like to get a part time job in a month or so to help distract myself, and I looked into a veterinary technician program to start a career so hopefully I'll get more information about that soon. I have a gym membership, but have to motivate myself to go alone because I usually would only go if I had someone I could drag along with me, but I could stand to lose at least 40 pounds.
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Old 07-31-2010, 04:29 PM
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In AlAnon you'll find people who understand where you are because they have been there also. You might be pleasantly surprised and you have nothing to lose. I put it off for way too long and it ended up being exactly what I needed.
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Old 07-31-2010, 06:23 PM
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Miss,
If I may say so, this is a very important time in you and your babys life. A time for bonding, for learning, for having moments that you will always remember. This time goes so quickly, and your baby will not be this age ever again. You need to be able to focus on yourself and the baby now. I think it is a blessing that this person is not there in your house, to make you miserable again. You know, it would happen again, and this time would be clouded forever in your memory. you would look back at your early memories of your baby, and it would be tainted by a selfish , unavailable man. No one is more valuable than your self and your baby.

The why's? Well, it reminds me of a toxic relationship I had with an alcoholic once. He would not stop drinking- did not really have a problem - uh, right.

He would not be there for me, emotionally, and we would break up . He would date countless barflies, and then come back begging me- cause he knew I loved him. Or whatever it was that I felt. regardless, I cared more than the other women did, and he wanted that reassurance. no matter that he could not give me what i needed. he wasted my time. He always wanted to be loved, adored, but did not give it in return. pretty selfish.
i think that is why some men come back, begging. they want that "motherly, devoted kind of love- even if they are too selfish to give it back. they miss it when it is gone, but when they have it, they dont appreciate it. like spoiled little brats.

He keeps begging to wear you down, to lower your resistance. you gave an inch and he hopes you will again. just my opinion, from some crummy experience.

it is so crappy, that they want to be loved, but dont care if you are loved the way you want to be.
Pooh on that, I say!
Your baby will be the real thing. they love you unconditionally, they think you are the greatest thing in the world. they need their mommy to be rested, happy, and able to focus on the greatest experience in the world, parenthood.

my wishes are for you to put the garbage out, and dont look back. you deserve more than garbage.

hugs, and congrats on your new baby. dont let anyone steal any of those precious moments.
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Old 07-31-2010, 09:36 PM
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My Dear So Confused,
Your story broke my heartÖ.I would have wanted to do the same thing, like a mother for her child you wanted to save him, he was at the bar alone, he lost his mother to a tragic accident Öyou brought him home to a safe place, nice clean sheets and blankets a fluffy pillow, like an angel you saved him and now, you once again will be reliving the loss all over again. Iím with you, I want this to be the beacon of light for him to find sobriety, he also wants this to be the beacon of light, he does want you back, he does love you, how could he not, you came to his rescue and I bet he didnít even ask you for help. He does not want to be an alcoholic, who in their right mind wants to be controlled by the beer isle in the grocery store? Have you ever craved ice cream? Chocolate candy bar? Now just imagine trying to forget you want the taste because you want to lose weight or you donít have a car or phone to call someone to bring it to you and all day long, like a song it plays in your head how much you need ice cream and candy, the taste would comfort you like a high or orgasm (sorry,just trying to find a word to help you understand the need and Iím craving banana split ice cream and my son brought me a flavor I hate). What if you got poison ivy on your scalp and your hands and feet were tied ďOh what would you give to have someone medicate the itch to make it go away?.Ē This is how an alcoholic feels but of course alcohol is the song in their heads. Why couldnít he see that beacon when you saved him from losing a job or home or when you walked in the room and were the most beautiful women there, Why canít he look into a new babies face and see the beacon of light? Why did he not see it when the baby took its first step or had to be rushed to the hospital because he had a bike accident, why didnít he enjoy going to watch him play soccer? Where was that beacon when I was fighting cancer, when his mother and father died, when his sister committed suicide? (sorry, Iím mixing your life and mine together). Twenty three years I waited for this beacon of light, fell in love when we were seventeen married years later for 23 years. I think you and I would have no problem getting our man back would we? Mine married an older lady January but if I wanted him back he would come but we would have to live by his rules wouldnít we? Why? Because they are selfishÖ As young girls we were taught to be kind and accepting to the point of not defending ourselves so now we are damaged by letting men treat us wrong. I was taught by a mother that a man takes care of the women and because he is the man he can do what he wants even if he sucks the life out of you and you donít know who you are anymore, I was also taught you should always have a man in your life, even if he is a drunk that sucks the life out of you right? MissB89 do you believe this is the way it is? Pretend you are the little girl you wants were and let the adult you are now give her the sweetest hug she needs, now let her know you will never ever let anyone hurt her again ever, and you will keep the selfish, sociopathic men away from her no matter how lonely you get and it is okay to be alone. What kinds of things did you like to do before you met him? Did you run? Paint? Plant flowers? How many broken items do you have in your house that you can fix? Have a Super Glue day and fix everything(too bad Super Glue couldnít fix us). Do you feel no man can love you and a sick man is better than having nothing at all? I feel this way most days due to my step father always telling me how ugly I was (my friends and relatives told me I looked like Linda Ronstadt but my esteem which I believe tells me everyday how ugly I am, I canít even take complements, I think they are making fun of me). What man could care about me anyway? My mother didnít care and allowed my stepfather to abuse us (I think she got a kick out of it). Iím rambling but I can almost bet you are a beautiful wonderful person and somewhere along the way someone destroyed the beautiful deserving person that should have just sent this man a sympathy card. You should put this man in Godís hands every night and everyday because no matter what, itís not going to turn out the way you want it to no matter how much we pray. God is giving him chance after chance and if he wants to ignore God and kill his liver let him. Can you stop a tornado? Could you have saved his mother? I know you would if you couldÖ Can you save all these people from losing their homes or should we just pray that they stop buying useless items and eat beans and rice so their children may have a home? I was more lonely with him than I am without him. You know what I mean, remember all the times we had a bad day and just needed a sober hug, someone to nurture us, someone to tuck us into a comfy bed with a fluffy pillow, someone to get up to see what the bump in the night was about? Someone to laugh with, someone that wants to cuddle without sex just because they also needed to be nurtured. When you go to the grocery store do you search out back In the trash or on the shelves where you can read the labels? Well I have learned from my mistakes and he wonít be found in the liquor isle, what about you? Please keep in mind, my guy is my first love from the age of seventeen, I wish I knew at that time what a alcoholic wasÖ. I think we both know now, and all the ingredients are the same. Let him know you will pick him up from rehab if he finishes the full course or just pray for his soul. I miss my ex so much but I am also smart enough to know that is not my real ex, the devil has his soul and I will continue to pray for his release and then maybe he will tell my sons to tell me he is clean and wants me back if not I pray we meet in heaven, I canít and will not allow him to control me like alcohol controls him. Keep reading this sight, every time you start to give in read some more. Donít depend on him to bring you happiness, God will take care of him, so let go and let God do his jobÖ.
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Old 08-01-2010, 09:00 AM
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Thank you so much. You guys save me every time and I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this website. Probably back in the arms of someone who's too broken to love me the right way. I'm in tears because the truth hurts, but it is still truth and I will find acceptance one day, hopefully soon, but I know healing takes time. I take a few steps forward then feel pushed backwards. I have to let go of my anger and continue to pray for this man, regardless of the evil inside of him, I Have to pray for God to take it away. He may never change, but there is always hope. On the other hand it isn't the kind of hope that is going to leave me waiting around defenseless for this change.
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