Been checked out for a while
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Been checked out for a while
...because I let myself get sucked back in. Not face-to-face. But emotionally...through letting myself read his texts, letting myself talk to him on the phone about his steps to recovery, about his current gf and how miserable he was and how he was ending the relationship, how he misses me and wants the life that the people he's met in AA have, and how he knows he and I can have that life. Then he told me that he had moved the gf out, and how it was over with her. That was three days ago, and then...last night she spent the night there...I saw her leaving this morning. It was a huge kick in the stomach. Why do I believe the lies?
I did it to myself. I let myself go to that fantasy place for a few days...in my head, you know...the place where all the dreams come true. Where all the promises they make are real and not just huge empty lies. I feel used again, but I let myself be used. It's my own fault.
I feel like I'm back in that hole again and have to start clawing my way out again. I wonder where the strength is going to come from.
I wonder if I should bother starting Alanon, although I know what you will all tell me. I have been wanting to go to a meeting. Now I wonder if going will just keep me wrapped up in thoughts of him. I want to let go of him completely. I understand that Alanon is about my OWN recovery, learning how to deal with the addiction I have to a sick man, so that I can find my own happiness. I feel like I had done SO well, and then I broke no contact and things collapsed.
I did it to myself. I let myself go to that fantasy place for a few days...in my head, you know...the place where all the dreams come true. Where all the promises they make are real and not just huge empty lies. I feel used again, but I let myself be used. It's my own fault.
I feel like I'm back in that hole again and have to start clawing my way out again. I wonder where the strength is going to come from.
I wonder if I should bother starting Alanon, although I know what you will all tell me. I have been wanting to go to a meeting. Now I wonder if going will just keep me wrapped up in thoughts of him. I want to let go of him completely. I understand that Alanon is about my OWN recovery, learning how to deal with the addiction I have to a sick man, so that I can find my own happiness. I feel like I had done SO well, and then I broke no contact and things collapsed.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel like I'm back in that hole again and have to start clawing my way out again. I wonder where the strength is going to come from.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Time to go back to the no contact plan. Delete everything you have from him and block him from your phone and email. He is a liar and you deserve more than the crumbs he tosses to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sounds like he's playing both fields. wants to ditch the girlfriend but won't unless you take him back. mine did the same. it messed with my mind.
i'll agree with anvil. consider revisiting "no contact" and get your peace back.
i'll agree with anvil. consider revisiting "no contact" and get your peace back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
You made a mistake, you faltered a little. Get back up on that horse GIRL!!!
Don't beat yourself up, your human.
Unlike him - you have a heart that is capable of love and all kinds of feelings.
Don't waste another minute on this dips**T.
You wanna give him that control? - TAKE IT BACK!
(said with love 
Don't beat yourself up, your human.
Unlike him - you have a heart that is capable of love and all kinds of feelings.
Don't waste another minute on this dips**T.
You wanna give him that control? - TAKE IT BACK!
(said with love Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I have blocked him from my phone. I hadn't done that before and it feels like a big step.
I wish he'd move away from here, but that is something I have no control over so I have to learn to live with the fact that I will see him since he lives 1/2 block away. I just have to learn how to not let it affect me.
Yes, Naive, he was playing both fields. I'm certain that he realized that I wasn't going back to him after he moved the gf out...I told him that we both had too much work to do before anything would ever work for us. I told him that I was a woman, not a puppy dog on a chain, and that I deserved to be treated with respect and treated well. Three days later she was back in his bed.
Anvil and L2L, I found a newcomers Alanon meeting for Tuesday next week. It's on my calendar and I asked a friend to hold me accountable. Scared, but feeling like it's the right thing to do.
I hope this last wake up call will be the final nail in the coffin for this relationship. I want it to end, but more than that I want to completely get myself back. Before him, I had found true peace after a divorce from XAH. I even dated great guys...somehow I chose to send them packing, and then latched on to XABF. I want to learn how to never let this happen again.
I wish he'd move away from here, but that is something I have no control over so I have to learn to live with the fact that I will see him since he lives 1/2 block away. I just have to learn how to not let it affect me.
Yes, Naive, he was playing both fields. I'm certain that he realized that I wasn't going back to him after he moved the gf out...I told him that we both had too much work to do before anything would ever work for us. I told him that I was a woman, not a puppy dog on a chain, and that I deserved to be treated with respect and treated well. Three days later she was back in his bed.
Anvil and L2L, I found a newcomers Alanon meeting for Tuesday next week. It's on my calendar and I asked a friend to hold me accountable. Scared, but feeling like it's the right thing to do.
I hope this last wake up call will be the final nail in the coffin for this relationship. I want it to end, but more than that I want to completely get myself back. Before him, I had found true peace after a divorce from XAH. I even dated great guys...somehow I chose to send them packing, and then latched on to XABF. I want to learn how to never let this happen again.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Scared, but feeling like it's the right thing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I finally worked up the courage to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and then found out the time posted online was wrong. The meeting was at noon today. Another week of waiting...ugh...
I ordered Chinese take-out instead. Enjoying some Mongolian beef and pineapple shrimp right now, but I'd rather be headed to a meeting.
At least you are all here. Today was hard -- my head played fantasy vs. reality all day. I can't WAIT until that game stops.
I ordered Chinese take-out instead. Enjoying some Mongolian beef and pineapple shrimp right now, but I'd rather be headed to a meeting.
At least you are all here. Today was hard -- my head played fantasy vs. reality all day. I can't WAIT until that game stops.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Healing, that's great you went, it sucks that it was the wrong time. At least you're on the right path! And if I may, is there any way you can find the gratitude for seeing that gf? Because what if you hadn't?!?!
I am also licking wounds right now and trying to find gratitude. SR is so great! Al Anon is too.
Hugs
Soph
I am also licking wounds right now and trying to find gratitude. SR is so great! Al Anon is too.
Hugs
Soph
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
