"You and me will end up badly"
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"You and me will end up badly"
Those words from current BF when I dared say it would be great if he buys his own corn flakes.
I am in my 24x7 week. Been really really busy. And I managed to go to Pilates and kickboxing. Haven't gone to the market yet. This sucks but I am seeing if BF brings anything at all. The answer is no. If its not me, there is nothing but cheap orange juice in the fridge.
He finished his English lessons. Hasn't saved enough to go back to school this year.
I am starting to feel more and more I am being taken for a ride here. Oh well you all knew that way before.
I gave him more than my share for cable and internet. He got angry when I demanded to see the detail of the calls to see what I really owed. He accused me of not "trusting him".
Thank God for therapists. Got an appointment in Friday-
I felt ashamed when I told her our living situation.
When we went to a mall recently I felt ashamed for being dressed so nice and going in his car which is older and in a really bad shape than mine (and mine is a 2004..).
I go shopping and see great dresses and I wonder when will I get to use them? we seldom go out as he is very limited with money. And when we go out it is to really really cheap places, normal restaurants sometimes- good places? NEVER unless its my idea. And my money of course.
Above all I feel ashamed for basically feeding my partner. He has said he wants to go to the gym for months and always has excuses not to do so. He tells me I am selfish when I don't want to practice English with him at night. Well I got my own stuff to do. I am tired of weekends with me working or taking care of the home while he plays videogames in my computer.
In someone else I need enthusiasm, motivation, love for life, optimism and real sharing of efforts and expenses. I see none currently - or, tidbits.
I do not think tidbits of ANYTHING are enough for me at this point.
I sense separation.
I am in my 24x7 week. Been really really busy. And I managed to go to Pilates and kickboxing. Haven't gone to the market yet. This sucks but I am seeing if BF brings anything at all. The answer is no. If its not me, there is nothing but cheap orange juice in the fridge.
He finished his English lessons. Hasn't saved enough to go back to school this year.
I am starting to feel more and more I am being taken for a ride here. Oh well you all knew that way before.
I gave him more than my share for cable and internet. He got angry when I demanded to see the detail of the calls to see what I really owed. He accused me of not "trusting him".
Thank God for therapists. Got an appointment in Friday-
I felt ashamed when I told her our living situation.
When we went to a mall recently I felt ashamed for being dressed so nice and going in his car which is older and in a really bad shape than mine (and mine is a 2004..).
I go shopping and see great dresses and I wonder when will I get to use them? we seldom go out as he is very limited with money. And when we go out it is to really really cheap places, normal restaurants sometimes- good places? NEVER unless its my idea. And my money of course.
Above all I feel ashamed for basically feeding my partner. He has said he wants to go to the gym for months and always has excuses not to do so. He tells me I am selfish when I don't want to practice English with him at night. Well I got my own stuff to do. I am tired of weekends with me working or taking care of the home while he plays videogames in my computer.
In someone else I need enthusiasm, motivation, love for life, optimism and real sharing of efforts and expenses. I see none currently - or, tidbits.
I do not think tidbits of ANYTHING are enough for me at this point.
I sense separation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi taking charge-
i had the same food situation with xABF. i bought 99% of the food, perhaps he would come home with a pint of milk.
what i did at that time is i stopped buying food he ate. this was easy for me. xABF was a meat and potatos guy. wouldn't eat anything like a salad.
so, i only bought fruits and vegetables and sometimes, fish. he didn't eat these things.
i stopped buying him toothbrushes, razors, shaving gel...
i didn't make a statement to him, i just did it.
i also adjusted my diet so that i ate only fruits and vegetables with the rare fish, which was something i wanted to do anyway.
he did not change his ways and come home with food. he started eating on the street, which was fine with me.
i had the same food situation with xABF. i bought 99% of the food, perhaps he would come home with a pint of milk.
what i did at that time is i stopped buying food he ate. this was easy for me. xABF was a meat and potatos guy. wouldn't eat anything like a salad.
so, i only bought fruits and vegetables and sometimes, fish. he didn't eat these things.
i stopped buying him toothbrushes, razors, shaving gel...
i didn't make a statement to him, i just did it.
i also adjusted my diet so that i ate only fruits and vegetables with the rare fish, which was something i wanted to do anyway.
he did not change his ways and come home with food. he started eating on the street, which was fine with me.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I really don't understand why smart, capable, attractive, intelligent women fall for men who only dole out crumbs.
Which is really all an addict is capable of contributing or giving - crumbs.
I think we're all worth more than that.
Which is really all an addict is capable of contributing or giving - crumbs.
I think we're all worth more than that.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by naive 
hi taking charge-
i had the same food situation with xABF. i bought 99% of the food, perhaps he would come home with a pint of milk.
what i did at that time is i stopped buying food he ate. this was easy for me. xABF was a meat and potatos guy. wouldn't eat anything like a salad.
so, i only bought fruits and vegetables and sometimes, fish. he didn't eat these things.
i stopped buying him toothbrushes, razors, shaving gel...
i didn't make a statement to him, i just did it.
i also adjusted my diet so that i ate only fruits and vegetables with the rare fish, which was something i wanted to do anyway.
he did not change his ways and come home with food. he started eating on the street, which was fine with me.
i had the same food situation with xABF. i bought 99% of the food, perhaps he would come home with a pint of milk.
what i did at that time is i stopped buying food he ate. this was easy for me. xABF was a meat and potatos guy. wouldn't eat anything like a salad.
so, i only bought fruits and vegetables and sometimes, fish. he didn't eat these things.
i stopped buying him toothbrushes, razors, shaving gel...
i didn't make a statement to him, i just did it.
i also adjusted my diet so that i ate only fruits and vegetables with the rare fish, which was something i wanted to do anyway.
he did not change his ways and come home with food. he started eating on the street, which was fine with me.
That is what I've learned here in recovery, very useful information and true in All aspects of my life.
Now if I can just remember it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I sense separation too TC 
(but this is a positive).
It sounds like you are very AWARE of your requirements for a life partner. Have you written these down in a list? Remember, this is just PRACTICE. Your current partner is just practice to prepare you for your future. What do YOU need to practice in your life right now?
(but this is a positive).It sounds like you are very AWARE of your requirements for a life partner. Have you written these down in a list? Remember, this is just PRACTICE. Your current partner is just practice to prepare you for your future. What do YOU need to practice in your life right now?
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks all for your comments!
sandra, that is exactly what my therapist said. But it is also true with non addicts, this BF is not an addict. So many times addiction takes too much credit.
naive, thanks a lot. Yes I am buying soy and organic vegetarian stuff. He can buy his own meat if he wants, which is the most expensive. And yes I also resent buying toiletries and basic stuff like SOAP. Ridiculous.... (sp?)
Also, I have been eating on the floor, standing up, on the bed for 2 years now. I got money now to buy a great table and chairs. I would really love to set up a lovely table, have a real nutritious breakfast in the morning while reading a fashion magazine after some yoga......... (that is the "Ideal day" exercise in the "Wishcraft good".. .that is my ideal morning). And guess what it will be on me 100%, as well.....
Last weekend we bought expensive trash cans that we really needed. The cashier and lady that helps with bags both stared when I paid. I felt ashamed.
So I plan on waking up, cooking the food I take the time to buy, then go to my job. His role? be fed ? watch TV? play?
That would be ok if he were MY CHILD... ahh, reality checks......
sandra, that is exactly what my therapist said. But it is also true with non addicts, this BF is not an addict. So many times addiction takes too much credit.
naive, thanks a lot. Yes I am buying soy and organic vegetarian stuff. He can buy his own meat if he wants, which is the most expensive. And yes I also resent buying toiletries and basic stuff like SOAP. Ridiculous.... (sp?)
Also, I have been eating on the floor, standing up, on the bed for 2 years now. I got money now to buy a great table and chairs. I would really love to set up a lovely table, have a real nutritious breakfast in the morning while reading a fashion magazine after some yoga......... (that is the "Ideal day" exercise in the "Wishcraft good".. .that is my ideal morning). And guess what it will be on me 100%, as well.....
Last weekend we bought expensive trash cans that we really needed. The cashier and lady that helps with bags both stared when I paid. I felt ashamed.
So I plan on waking up, cooking the food I take the time to buy, then go to my job. His role? be fed ? watch TV? play?
That would be ok if he were MY CHILD... ahh, reality checks......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I no longer run a flophouse for anyone, not significant others, and not my adult children.
Last September I booted me 22 year old daughter out.
She was ultra responsible when it came to her job, making her car and insurance payments, buying her own things.
However, she did nada at home. The master bathroom floor had so many dirty clothes on it, it was hard to walk through.
I had to go in there in order to shower every day.
It took me 2 weeks of heavy cleaning and several trips to the curb for trash pickup in order to clear things out.
I have zero regret.
I don't have to live that way anymore, and I don't.
It is that simple.
Last September I booted me 22 year old daughter out.
She was ultra responsible when it came to her job, making her car and insurance payments, buying her own things.
However, she did nada at home. The master bathroom floor had so many dirty clothes on it, it was hard to walk through.
I had to go in there in order to shower every day.
It took me 2 weeks of heavy cleaning and several trips to the curb for trash pickup in order to clear things out.
I have zero regret.
I don't have to live that way anymore, and I don't.
It is that simple.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Where on earth can I find myself a wonderful women like you ladies?
I cooked and cleaned after working all week whilst mine sat on the couch drinking wine and smoking dope....and that was when she wasn't at the pub spending my money.
I cooked and cleaned after working all week whilst mine sat on the couch drinking wine and smoking dope....and that was when she wasn't at the pub spending my money.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I'm with Freedom. I'm done being the Maid/Accountant/Mommy/Secretary/motivational speaker/Part-time Provider of Sexual Gratification for anyone. Did it for 5 years. Quite enough for me thank you.
Sounds like you've got some trash to take to the curb TC.
Sounds like you've got some trash to take to the curb TC.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I don't know if it's just age or something else, but now that I am older, I realize that not only do I not need to have a man in my life, I actually don't want one. Now, don't get me wrong, I love men! But I am an independent type of person and have been living single for several years now. I have things just the way I want them and don't want anyone coming in and upsetting my apple cart. I just don't have the patience nor the inclination to deal with a man in my life. Maybe that's selfish, but....I don't care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Something else that came to me as I reread this thread was I wouldn't even refer to someone like that as a BF.
Personally I'd be embarrassed to say that.
But, as I said, I'm not a flophouse for anyone. I don't get involved with people like that, much less put them up in my home.
I'm not even friends with people like that.
I get up in the mornings, make my coffee, let the dogs out, and it's quiet.
I answer to no one but myself. I am responsible for no one but myself.
My home is my safe place, my haven, my respite.
Thank you for reminding me how blessed I am to have made the choices I have.
Personally I'd be embarrassed to say that.
But, as I said, I'm not a flophouse for anyone. I don't get involved with people like that, much less put them up in my home.
I'm not even friends with people like that.
I get up in the mornings, make my coffee, let the dogs out, and it's quiet.
I answer to no one but myself. I am responsible for no one but myself.
My home is my safe place, my haven, my respite.
Thank you for reminding me how blessed I am to have made the choices I have.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
You and me will end badly?
Those words from current BF when I dared say it would be great if he buys his own corn flakes.
WTF?
Unless he was joking and actually buys his own flakes and you flowers...
Don't buy it; insecure control freak language. Shouldn't it be you and I?
Like anything else you get out of it what you put into it.... He only controls you to the extent you let him (short of him tying you up etc.).
Those words from current BF when I dared say it would be great if he buys his own corn flakes.
WTF?
Unless he was joking and actually buys his own flakes and you flowers...
Don't buy it; insecure control freak language. Shouldn't it be you and I?
Like anything else you get out of it what you put into it.... He only controls you to the extent you let him (short of him tying you up etc.).
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"I cooked and cleaned after working all week whilst mine sat on the couch drinking wine and smoking dope....and that was when she wasn't at the pub spending my money."
Just made me realize that 50/50 relations are really about making the effort to give 100% as best u can.
Just made me realize that 50/50 relations are really about making the effort to give 100% as best u can.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes Elegantly wasted. That was my bad translation, we speak Spanish ... it should have been "you and I"!
Also yes, BF stands for boyfriend.
Today he apologized
Said he was very tired
Hugged me
Washed my car
Is calling ads and looking for a job
Went to place some ads for his services
Brought me lunch
Washed the dishes
Fed the cats
....
The therapist says it is a self esteem issue. He described people he knows, in fact the foreigner community over here, and described what other BF's do for other of her clients that arrived confused like me. Those relations are what partnership really means. I felt excited to meet other people more financially stable, more traveled. I also felt guilty.
We got group therapy next week, I have never been to one.
For now I won't panic. I will keep working, dance 2 hours, and tomorrow arrive to my therapy session with these thoughts....
Freedom I also feel ashamed. NONE of my girlfriends feed their boyfriends. Sheesh.
I feel I am failing myself.
Also yes, BF stands for boyfriend.
Today he apologized
Said he was very tired
Hugged me
Washed my car
Is calling ads and looking for a job
Went to place some ads for his services
Brought me lunch
Washed the dishes
Fed the cats
....
The therapist says it is a self esteem issue. He described people he knows, in fact the foreigner community over here, and described what other BF's do for other of her clients that arrived confused like me. Those relations are what partnership really means. I felt excited to meet other people more financially stable, more traveled. I also felt guilty.
We got group therapy next week, I have never been to one.
For now I won't panic. I will keep working, dance 2 hours, and tomorrow arrive to my therapy session with these thoughts....
Freedom I also feel ashamed. NONE of my girlfriends feed their boyfriends. Sheesh.
I feel I am failing myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Freedom I also feel ashamed. NONE of my girlfriends feed their boyfriends. Sheesh.
I feel I am failing myself.
I feel I am failing myself.
You always have choices.
Even if you choose to do nothing and continue living in the current situation, that is a choice.
You're not a victim anymore. You're a willing participant.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Is BF for boyfriend or bl**dy freeloader?
What would he be doing if you were not with him? Bet he wouldn't be sitting and starving.
If he is capable of breathing and moving, he is capable of doing his share of housework and if you are work outside and supporting him then he can do the darn lot, and treat you as if you were the MALE breadwinner. That is how these paternalistic and feudal places manage life is it not?
If you aint ok with how it is between you, then it is up to you to let him know it, and kick start a change of plan, and, if he doesn't like it or ignores you then he needs to be shown the big, wide world outside and told "go find another provider".
Come on TC, you can change the steps in this Mexican hat dance.
God bless
What would he be doing if you were not with him? Bet he wouldn't be sitting and starving.
If he is capable of breathing and moving, he is capable of doing his share of housework and if you are work outside and supporting him then he can do the darn lot, and treat you as if you were the MALE breadwinner. That is how these paternalistic and feudal places manage life is it not?
If you aint ok with how it is between you, then it is up to you to let him know it, and kick start a change of plan, and, if he doesn't like it or ignores you then he needs to be shown the big, wide world outside and told "go find another provider".
Come on TC, you can change the steps in this Mexican hat dance.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Lol anvilhead if my life was really like that I would have jumped off a bridge already. At least my day DOESNT revolve around others. I feel stuff but I also get involved in my own thing. At least that is some progress...
I'll let you know my findings wth my therapist!
For now I am off to my dance lessons.
Also without any input from my part BF went out and looked for a formal job. He has a 2nd interview 2morrow. He also mentioned he feels really bad and is looking to improve his life and give me back what I have given. I DO believe him... but I am not sure I want to be with him and go through all his struggles...
Thanks forthe reminders I got options. That really is the point! I got options. And my option today is dance, keep working, and make the afternoon as stress free as possible... Ill write more tomorrow night after my session! it will be my first regression, I'm nervous...
I really appreciate all your inputs...
I'll let you know my findings wth my therapist!
For now I am off to my dance lessons.
Also without any input from my part BF went out and looked for a formal job. He has a 2nd interview 2morrow. He also mentioned he feels really bad and is looking to improve his life and give me back what I have given. I DO believe him... but I am not sure I want to be with him and go through all his struggles...
Thanks forthe reminders I got options. That really is the point! I got options. And my option today is dance, keep working, and make the afternoon as stress free as possible... Ill write more tomorrow night after my session! it will be my first regression, I'm nervous...
I really appreciate all your inputs...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
WOW that's some tough love Guys!
The BF (boyfriend thank you) is not an addict but maybe, just a thought,
maybe Takingcharge is??
Addicted to the drama of these kinds of relationships.
Maybe peace is too peacefully, boring??
Justa thought
The BF (boyfriend thank you) is not an addict but maybe, just a thought,
maybe Takingcharge is??
Addicted to the drama of these kinds of relationships.
Maybe peace is too peacefully, boring??
Justa thought
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