12stepnchick

Well after having had all weekend to talk to me F2F, my BF decides to let me know via a texting conversation, that he is thinking of moving back into his sister's place-this of course, was within 11 mins of me asking him to help me with the bills. I called him of course and he told me that he has been freaked out since I said what I did at the ocean, etc and I basically told him that I wouldn't cry and beg him to stay, and that if I wasnt enough or good enough to go. So he says "you want me to pack up all my stuff today-this was Monday-and go and I said "yep better now than later" Said he didn't say he didn't want to see me anymore, etc and "are you saying we are breaking up?" I said "what do you call it, you are moving out, and back to your sister's........what are we gonna do date? see other people?" He of course only replied that he had no intentions of hurting me or my son.
I said I had to get back into work-was on my lunch hour-and said goodbye-he replied with an I'll talk to you later. That was Monday.
I emailed that night to get it ALL out of my system and did, and he responded with he didn't intend to tell me about moving back via a text and that is why he soooo hates texting about serious stuff, and that he really does care about me and my son, and wishes he hadn't rushed things-feels stupid-and is sorry.
That was pretty much our last communication, though my son and him texted yesterday and he told my son he still wanted to date me, and that he cares A LOT about me and him and that sometimes grown ups get scared when something seems to good to be true, and that he just needed some time to take care of things,and would be seeing him soon, but when my son asked him to promise he said he couldn't do that now. My son texted to him "you wont come back" and he replied "not right away.......no" but that he "would like it to all work out, and if it's really meant to be.....it will"
So here I am today.......all over the place.........the day he left-Monday I was ELATED, Tuesday still feeling a little relieved.........today.........hurting and really sad, and hating myself for it.....This man was was supposed to give me 100$ for my sons soccer camp, and didn't even leave that when he left, he lost a key ring with 4 different house keys on it, all places he stays but doesn't live, he lied to me, is still married, has/was/is seeing a married woman, his driving record is a mess, he finances are a mess, he helped me out not one bit in the 3 mths he stayed here, he texts me to tell me he is moving out on my first day back to work........I KNOW all the bad things.....I know all the reasons there why I should NOT care, but today I miss him, I wonder what he's doing, if he's with her. Then I think if he wants her over me that is his loss......and yet it still hurts........just a numbness and inability to concentrate and let go of it.....I've heard so much about no contact but am not sure what it is all about.....I am just like a roller coaster right now with surgery scheduled next Friday-that he was aware of-and feeling a mess over all of it.....everything from work to home to him to surgery.......I feel like I'm spinning all over like the tazmanian devil, unable to hold a thought long enough to make it stick. Knowing if he called tonight I couldn't talk to him, knowing I couldn't see him right now, knowing all the reasons he doesnt deserve me and yet here I am..........missing him.....
ANy and all ESH would mean the world to me right now.......thanks

suki44883

It's entirely normal to miss someone who has been a part of your life. That doesn't mean that the relationship was a healthy one. You know he is still married. You know he is/was seeing a married woman. You know he's lied to you. You know so many things, but even knowing all that, you probably still don't know everything.

You deserve better and your son deserves better. Go ahead and be sad that the relationship isn't working. But don't dwell on it. Get past it and move on to making a better life for yourself and your son.

mrphillipctrs1

It means that you do not have any form of communication with him, no email, no text, no Facebook(if that's your thing), no phone calls. It is very difficult to do in the beginning because your emotions are fresh, but believe me, for someone who has recently gone through it you CAN do it and you WILL feel BETTER!

Jadmack25

I am not at all surprised at you being "all over the place", and also missing this man, even if he is not worth a toss of your head.

He walks away, leaves you and your son with a few fancy words and without the promised money, and you don't know if he is with this married woman he's also seeing.

I hope he is with her, and I hope her hubby is a 7ft, 250lb wrestler, who gives this jerk the thrashing of his miserable life.

Honey, he is not the example or model of a real man you want your son to emulate, so even tho his company will be missed for a while, maybe it is better he not be there.

I know the feeling of loss, but it does eventually go.....it just takes work.

I wish you all the best.

God bless

isurvived

Well from the sounds of your post, you are a distance away from seeing clearly. Still embroiled in the relationship, and not thinking clearly. You know the core problems he has - as you listed them - but you are still invested in this relationship. WHY?

Time to make yourself a list, to help sort out your feelings, to help you see the choices before you. I don't think you are "there" yet! Ask yourself why you are in this relationship, and what are you getting out of it? Is this the type of man you want in your son's life? What future could you possibly have with this person?

Learn2Live

I have been JUST LIKE this MANY times, about many men, over many years, 12stepnchick. It was hell each time and I hated being that way. I hated being obsessed with someone else, I hated being such a mess for so long each time, and I hated being so dependent on someone who is more messed up than I was. I especially hated that each man I went through this with SAW me that way, because it made me even MORE afraid of what they thought of me and what they told other people, etc. I look back on it each of those times I went through this and shake my head at how much time I WASTED trying to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn. The thing about life is, it takes so LONG to live but when you look back on it, it all seems so short.

Time and time and time again, man after man, and ALWAYS coming out of it WORSE than I was when I got into it. It did not really matter WHO the man was, or what his attributes were, as long as it was someone who I could fall in love with, put on a pedestal, and then lose my head over when he started doing things that did not look like love to me. I was unable to see and accept that people are just PEOPLE, just as imperfect and vulnerable as me, and they really can't do anything for me.

I would meet someone and "fall in love" (which is really a SURGE of oxytocin in the brain that can be sustained for a while after you meet someone new, and which is released during sex). Then, as the oxytocin started to wear off and more of his ACTUAL personality and habits were revealed to me over the natural course of getting to know someone, I would keep trying to get that FEELING from that person (the feeling that came in the BEGINNING of the relationship) and get that feeling on a sustained, daily basis. Which is basically the same process as addiction to a chemical a person would ingest, such as alcohol or cocaine. So, basically, you're addicted to the other person and cannot let go of the person or hyper-examining his behavior, because you GOT your high from him and his behavior for ALL THAT TIME, and now you're jonesing and obsessing and chasing him, just like he is jonesing and obsessing and chasing drugs and/or alcohol. BOTH of you are doing the same thing.

You see, WE are missing something just like the addict and just like the alcoholic. And that is the ability to be OK without seeking out THAT FEELING, whatever THAT FEELING is.

In all honesty, it REALLY doesn't matter who he is or what he does, because we are obsessed with them when they are doing what we like and when they are doing what we don't like. What matters is how YOU feel about yourSELF and how you PERCEIVE your world and what is going on in it. The great thing is, if you can change your perceptions, you can change your LIFE. It just takes a little work. But there are A LOT of other things that you will want to look at that will distract you from the simple task of changing your perceptions. You just have to decide how long you want to stay in non-reality, and how many OTHER paths you want to follow before you start to take control. Just like in The Matrix. You take the blue bill, you go back to Denial. You take the red pill, you face the cold, hard truth. It's much easier, IMO, in the long run, to accept the way things REALLY are. Especially if you get a Higher Power. Al-Anon is a good first step in that direction.

Thumper

My state of confusion kept me in the place of sadness, fear, loss. It felt crazy - just like you discribe - spinning. I was able to move away from that spinning feeling when my counselor helped me to see that we are responsible for looking out for our own best interests. We have a responsibility to make decisions based on what is best for us in the long run even when they come with a lot of hurt in the short term. I really had no experience with that. I wanted things to 'feel' right and when they felt bad (in the short term) I felt confused. I didn't trust myself. Of course leaving something behind always comes with feelings of sadness, disappointment, (and a lot of fear in my case). I began to understand that those feelings don't make a decision wrong. I needed to use my head to look out for myself.

So you are ahead of me by a long shot because you've made a good decision for yourself and did it with a lot of strength. The feelings of disappointment, sadness, loss are normal with any ending. Once I understood that I was able to step out of the confusion and walk through my feelings.

It really does not matter what he is doing, or who he is doing it with. You are doing what is best for you. No contact helps a lot. It means no texts, no phone calls, no emails, no contact at all. Every contact is another spin of the merry go round, more confusion. You will work through your sadness etc. faster and easier if you keep that merry go round still.

It will be hard for your son too, especially since the ex is talking to your son about your relationship. I'd have a long talk with him about it and try and get his agreement to block the ex's number from his phone as well.