New here, he doesn't want to stop

Old 07-21-2010, 06:44 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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New here, he doesn't want to stop

Hi, I'm new here. My husband has an alcohol problem. I say he's an alcoholic he's not so sure.

This past week has been eye opening. I finally left for the night last Thursday. Twice last week he said he would SLOW down drinking. He didn't. He's been sober maybe 4 days total in the past month.

My DH doesn't miss work, doesn't' spend all our money, physically abuse me or the kids. So of course he doesn't think he has a problem. He does. He can not stop once he starts. He says he wants to quit but he keeps making excuses to drink. At poker night, when all the families get together...

I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm scared. I do not want to get a phone call saying he's been arrested.

He sits in the garage alone, I sit in the bedroom alone. I'm afraid to say something to him when he's drinking. I don't want to set him off. He's not physically violent but he's not nice.

He thinks he can stop drinking during the week and just drink on weekends. I'm not comfortable with that. His friend says I'm a control freak.

I don't know what to do. Do I let him do what he wants. I thought for sure last Thursday was his rock bottom. Apparently it wasn't. Help. Please.
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Old 07-21-2010, 06:55 AM
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RIP Sweet Suki
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Sorry to hear you are going through this. While it's true that you cannot control what he does, you do NOT have to sit alone in your bedroom. While you decide whether or not you want to continue to live in this situation, have you considered attending Al-anon meetings? You will find a great deal of face-to-face support there. Please read the various threads here and see what other people in your position have done. You don't have to be miserable just because he chooses to drink.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 07-21-2010, 10:00 AM
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hi there and WELCOME to SR! This place is wonderful for support, humour, or just to hang out. Feel free to post and read as much as you need. SR is always open.

As for your husband, if you have problem with his drinking, then there's a problem. It doesn't matter what he thinks. And it doesn't matter what his friend says. You feel uncomfortable with the alcohol.

As Suki mentioned, there's really nothing you can do, say, or not do or not say that will change your AH (alcoholic husband). He'll go right on drinking until...well, until he decides he's had enough and seeks recovery, or maybe never. The only power you have is over yourself. You can focus on YOU, and on your lovely children.

You can ask yourself "What do I want for myself? Where do I see myself in 5 years? How do I get there?".

I also wanted to speak to the fact that you have children with your AH. Though he's not abusive towards them, you can bet that they are equally affected by constantly seeing their dad drunk. Talk to some of the ACOA on the board (adult children of alcoholics) and they'll all tell you how it was growing up in an alcoholic household.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon for some support?

Keep posting! SR is a great place to be.
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Old 07-21-2010, 10:33 AM
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Welcome. You have come to the right place. Al-anon is also a lifesaver. As you will soon learn, it's about you now. Your happiness, your life, your children. I felt better as soon as I reached out to others who had been where I found myself. I'll bet all of us have been called "Control Freaks" by the alcoholics in our lives. Anything to take the emphasis off of themselves. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and although your H may be functioning fairly well now, it will most likely only get worse. Making us feel bad is just a part of the package. You are not alone. Keep reading, and keep posting. It's good for the soul. Glad you are here.
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Old 07-21-2010, 10:37 AM
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I go to AA and Al Anon ..

Speaking as an alcoholic, I had problems from my drinking. There are many alcoholics that, go to work every day and don't have a brush with the law though...

My son picked up his third DUI while he was driving on a revoked from his second DUI that, he hasn't got resolved yet

I'm talking to deaf ears when, I ask him to go to an AA meeting with me
I can't divorce my son but, I'm not going to enable him.

I hope, you'll give Al Anon a try.
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Old 07-21-2010, 02:21 PM
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Thanks all. I have looked in to Al-Anon. I have to get the courage up and go.

He was never a drinker before. He started about 5.5 yrs ago. It's gotten really bad the past 2 yrs.

His mothers side of the family all has alcohol problems.

I'm so tired of taking care of drunks.
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Old 07-21-2010, 03:37 PM
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FYI, if you did not already know, you can attend an on-line Al-Anon meeting; you can just sit and read what everyone else is saying, you do not have to participate at all. Helped me a lot in the beginning. I also found it helpful to read about AA, and sit in (on-line) as well to an AA meeting. Sometimes I read the Alcoholic's posts here at SR too. In the beginning, it all just helped me get some perspective and understanding about the disease. Still does, I guess.
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:49 AM
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Welcome Pink

I am new here as well, just about week. And just to let you know, the difference this forum can make in the way you feel, is remarkable.

For myself I feel it and I have read it in other people's posts.

Just keep reading

The answers are here!!
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Old 07-22-2010, 06:06 AM
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His friend says I'm a control freak.
When my life has gotten out of control the way you describe, when my life becomes "unmanageable" like this, I also behave in ways that an unthoughtful person would describe as a "control freak." Name-calling is for babies; ignore it and stop talking to this person.

Get to Al-Anon so that you can start to put your life into perspective. IMO, a group of people supporting one another in their efforts to be healthy (Al-Anon) is a much better use of your time than a group of people sitting around playing poker and doing whatever else it is they do on poker night (I envision smoking cigarettes and drinking beer).
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