wicked

times two coffee, times me too.
mother, mary and joseph.
i havent been to mass since i was confirmed, now i feel i need to go light a candle or something.
i have been in purgatory my entire life.
good god.
have a major depressive disorder? well of course!
drink to alleviate and then get addicted?
all in the cards!

now what.

wicked

thank you HWC,
of course as long as i am breathing there is hope.
but still, now what?
adrenaline is making me want to clean the carpet now!!!
:ghug3

HealingWillCome

Well...my counselor has helped me tremendously. And I ordered the book by Susan Anderson (HARD to read, constant adrenaline -- fears revisited with each chapter). But she gives exercises for dealing and healing. They have been slow-going for me because I wanted to read the book cover to cover and be healed in a day. Yeah, right. I'm just learning that I have to get [I]through[I] it. I can't go over or around or under it. I have to face it if I want to get there.

Something that has REALLY helped me is to learn about the physiology of abandonment. The way our brains develop and work from the time of infancy is complex. And we become who we are because of the way our emotions/memories or lack of/reasoning/survival modes are processed by our brains. It has made me feel like I'm not crazy. Like there are solutions for getting through all the pain and unhealthiness. Like there are great things to look forward to!!!:ghug3

Chino

• A child left by his mother
• A child needing his parents but they are emotionally unavailable

My mother was abandoned by her mother when she was 3.
My mother literally discarded me when I was 16.
My RAD has said I was emotionally unavailable and she was right, just like my mother was towards me.

My mother has always had rigid boundaries.

I've already worked through this stuff, but I'm grateful for the reminder. My RAD is about to leave out the door and I'm going to hug her again with everything I've got......

Learn2Live

I can't seem to wrap my head around this abandonment stuff. Feeling kinda' stupid.

Learn2Live

Thanks Chino. Your post helps me understand this a little. My mother's father died when she was about 3 or 4 years old. She probably felt abandonment. My mother was always a loving person, but refused to baby us, but I think "abandoned" me when I was small, to keep house (she has told me how she would put me in the crib and go cook and clean and I was so quiet that she would forget about me and realize HOURS later that she had forgotten about me). Perhaps I felt abandoned then.

Can I ask folks who have children, if you have had rigid boundaries, did having a child help to make them less rigid?

wicked

Yes, I became less rigid with my children, but ONLY with my children.
I allowed myself to feel that great swell of warmth wash over me when they ran toward me saying,
"Mommy, Mommy!"
Oh, I am having a very difficult time right now L2L, I have to leave it right now.
But yeah, I felt love, real deep down shake my boots love.

Beth

celticghirl

None thats my problem.

TakingCharge999

I thought about consistency.
Sometimes I saw my dad many weekends.
Sometimes months passed without a word.
Sometimes I had a really good time.
Sometimes he introduced me to some "other" woman and I was really confused.
Sometimes it was an obligation to see him. I hated how he could show up whenever he "wanted" but I could not say NO. or would not say NO.

Thus if I become a DOORMAT maybe someone shows some consistency.
Now I get the need for eggshells and STRESS in my life. And need for control.

Learn2Live

Beth, are you okay? She is going to be okay, Beth.

Learn2Live

Do you mean no children, celticgirl?

Learn2Live

Thanks TC. I agree with you, people need consistency, especially children. I personally need a lot of consistency, routine, and repetition in order to keep my sanity. Peace and quiet help too. It's "boring" but I like it. I do see that if you are a doormat and let anyone walk in and out as they please, a person would feel the need for control. For me, it is easier to work on controlling them right out the door

wicked

L2L,

Yes, I am okay now. Wow, I can see I will need some help with this.
I am going to see her today, and I have to remember that she will be okay if she wants to be.
And I can still love her. Love her no matter what she decides to do.

thank you for caring L2L,
it means alot.

Beth

wicked

Oh, TC.
I had the same visits from my father.
I loved him, but he scared me, I feared him, but wanted so desperately for him to love me, "see" me.
could not or would not say no, yep, cause who knew when he would be back?
or if he would be back?
eggshells, stress, and constantly forever neverending need for control.
oh my goodness.


Beth

CircleInTheSea

Wow, I started reading this because I wanted to learn more about boundaries and *facepalm* I end up learning about abandonment.
My mom divorced my AF when I was 5 and we haven't seen/heard from him since I was 10. I thought I was over it a long time ago since my life was not lacking without him. I've always known he was an addict and can't recall really trying to 'win' his approval. But I could be wrong and it's worth revisiting....
AH was literally dropped off at his babysitters by his mom (she survived a brain aneurysm that left her unable to care/mentally connect with her children) and left there for 6 months while his father searched for him.
Can we say issues much?

wicked

CircleInTheSea,
Oh yeah, I think I could write epic poems about issues.
Hmmm, I think I should take up knitting instead, and it will help me quit smoking.

oh this abandonment thing is tough, and real, but now I know.
I know what it is, and that means I can deal with it and heal it.
yep.
stop searching for a partner who will give me what i know (abandonment, pain) and start searching for a better me. a higher self if you will.
things are looking up.

Beth

CircleInTheSea

It has almost become a rosary-type activity for me. Very therapeutic

Learn2Live

I know. I think abandonment and boundaries are related. Still trying to piece them together in my mind. So thank you for posting your story.

Lots of people cannot meet societal expectations related to parenting. I have difficulties myself (I have never become a biological parent). It must be painful when you are the one abandoned and I am sorry, CircleInTheSea that you had to go through that. I hope that you find the strength to do whatever work needs to be done for yourself. Also, it is easy for society (us) to judge a person for abandoning a child; it is easy for us to feel superior to them because they are a "deadbeat," but until you have walked a mile in another man's (or woman's) shoes, well, I obviously am not the original thinker of THIS thought

Learn2Live

I am not a parent so I have no ESH (or whatever the acronym is) to share, other than detaching from my Dad. I know how to emotionally detach from a BF, which is RUN AWAY. But how to emotionally detach from someone you feel responsible for? IDK. With my Dad, I had to give up the WANTING anything "Dad-like" from him. I also remain somewhat uninvolved in his life (which is non-existent anyway). Basically, I control our interactions.

Aw, you're welcome. I'm glad I care about people, even if sometimes I care too much for my own good

Chino

I had to take some time to think about that question. Looking back I can see that my boundaries fluctuated between collapsed and rigid, depending on the person/situation. And that right there screams codie behavior because boundaries are meant to be consistent and depend on ME, no one else. My boundaries did become less rigid with the fluctuating tide, but they were also as fluid as the tide when they were challenged.