Need comforting...

Old 07-22-2010, 02:57 PM
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L2L, I see how you mentioned "crying at hurt feelings"... and I always do that. It can be over the silliest thing, but it HURTS and I CRY! I thought I was just an immature crybaby (that's what they said) and I never associated it with depression. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Aw, you're welcome. You don't sound immature to me. I am a crybaby too, even though I am a VERY tough girl. Someone can say something mean and it hurts my feelings and I cry. Even ON anti-depressants, because I don't think that has anything to do with depression, I think it is because we are tender-hearted people. I am a very simple, good, kind-hearted, empathetic person and you are probably the same, yes? I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, immature. Sensitive? Yes. Silly? Yes. Goofy? Yes. Immature? No.

Do you recommend only getting on medicine through a psychiatrist dr... or is medical okay? I also have Lymes Disease, and I wanted to go for more blood work to see if it's active ---- and the doctor tried giving me cymbalta once, for the pain... which I also see is a SNRI... Maybe it could help in more ways than one, and I could 'feel' better about taking it for 'pain'! Would you advise AGAINST this?
I really don't know the answer because I am not a medical professional but no, I don't advise against being treated for a medical condition and if you get additional benefits, what the heck, right? I do know that a psychiatrist should know all the latest and greatest information about these medicines, whereas a non-psychiatric doctor generally would not be as up-to-date or knowledgeable.
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Old 07-23-2010, 05:58 AM
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Hmm L2L, you got me thinking! Tender-hearted and tough. People have always told me I'm tough, driven, etc... and I feel like the EXACT opposite. Now you've shifted my perception yet again. Actually, I went back and read quite a bit of your previous posts, and I could really relate to a lot of your 'internal dialogue' and just what I gather from you as a person. I can be really hard on myself, and like taking charge said, feel 'less than'... so it's great to change the way I view myself.

TakingCharge,
I really enjoyed reading your response!

"Once I started working on those false impressions I have/learned, I realized they are simply not true. Well it is still in progress. But once i start realizing my many gifts, qualities, achievements; since I have treated myself like a human being and with more compassion, being "rejected" by some person is not the end of the world at all."

After EVERYONE'S response here.. I really started viewing things in the manner you just described. I think it helps knowing I'm dealing with a sociopathic man... and being rejected by him is only in his nature. It will run it's course in his life, and THANK GOD I'm not the target anymore. While it hurts and I feel duped, I know it's a blessing.

I get attention from guys - and I truly don't really like it. I'm comfortable going home and sleeping in my bed, ALL ALONE! I look forward to just cleaning my house this weekend (how odd is that)... and don't even care if I spend it alone. Taking care of yourself feels great!

"It is funny how many don't become what we wished or "could be", but in our recovery WE become much better than we were. And WE are not coming back to them. Others cannot or don't want to improve, but we do and there is no stopping us...."

This is one thing I pride myself on. My desire to better myself! I've seen how many people live in denial, and I think it makes us a special bunch of people, lol!

**my response is so blah... waiting for the coffee to kick in. That's another bad habit I'd like to cut out eventually, caffeine! Drink WAYYYYYYYYY too much. I've eliminated diet soda for the most part, so it's a step!!
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Old 07-23-2010, 06:15 AM
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You are wonderful!!

I think when it comes to relationships of any kind, it's not that your "duped" people MOST of the time just don't fit together. For all kinds of reasons

You will fall in love again Jenny (God help us all) J.K.

Just remember what you have learned. Do not repeat!!

A relationship and the end of a relationship does not have to cause complete devastation.

I repeat! Do not repeat!!

Take Pride in everything you do Sweetie - You have so much GOOD ahead of you.

No more diet soda at all - it's poison
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:34 PM
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Don't know why.. but reading old emails between him and I... not so much as to feel 'sad'... kind of to remind myself why he's not good for me. Not sure of my motives, but this stuck out to me..

"I don’t want to smoke and drink and be lazy B. I’m mourning over the loss of you, and it’s all I CAN bring myself to do. I don’t intend on keeping it this way. I want to become the Jenny I want to be. I strive for health, and I will get it back. I felt like that isn’t something you wanted. How would we have ever seen eye to eye? You’re right. I tried to change you. I didn’t want a smoker, a drinker, a pill popper. Nonetheless, I LOVED YOU. I loved {B}, that I was willing to look past those things."

I wrote that to him back in March.. in a series of emails. After reading over them.. I saw how he again never addressed the pain he caused me. It was all ME ME ME ME.. where as I was constantly apologizing for hurting him.

I'm really excited to see that I had my mind set on what I wanted.. and three months later, I'm actually making it happen. It just feels GOOD! I knew when I was with him it would never work... but, I held on for so long. This is so painful - but, I'm so happy it turned out this way. I truly am.. becoming genuinely happy.

*just posting this for my own reminder... to reflect back on.
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:54 PM
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BAHAHAHAHA! Need to add for my own pleasure and for a quick laugh!

"I will do what I have to and I dont want to hear **** from anyone on how I do it. You're such a hypocrite and I told you a whole sh!t load of the things I've needed you to stop doing. You won't make me out to be a bad person anymore, you make me feel like sh!t and I'm a great guy and plenty of girls would love to date me. I'm not gonna listen to this sh!t from you."
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i hope as you read these you ARE deleting them? one more time for reference and then to the trash bin. and each time you hit delete , you say I CHOSE ME.
Eeek.. No. I actually felt sadness overcome me. Bad idea to read those... Stupid me. I'm okay though. I still know in my heart I made the right decision..

It's just.. reading those, again, has me questioning myself... Was he that bad? He seemed okay. He's right.. I over react, etc... Maybe he's not insane.. maybe he's normal, and I'm the crazy one... Blah blah.

*sighs...

I haven't lost progress here though! No worries. Off to the gym, then climbing in an hour! Going to be a good weekend!
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:25 PM
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The longer you keep picking at the scab, the longer it will take to heal. You are causing yourself more grief than he is. If you want him back so badly, then go beg him to come back. Is that really what you want?
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:30 PM
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Why are you doing this to yourself?

Have you tried the rubberband trick - where you put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you think about him or say something unhealthy or negative to yourself, you snap yourself, hard.

I dunno. It worked for me. Behavior modication.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:42 PM
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I have permanent red marks... Makes me cringe thinking about it to this very day.
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:46 PM
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Hey, I never said I was trying to get him back. Just reflecting I guess... I certainly do not want to go running back to him. It's okay to miss him.. which is what I'm doing. Honestly, the feeling has passed, and I've moved on to thinking about the gym in twenty minutes! Not being defensive.. just stating!
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:55 PM
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Those emails you posted make me cringe. They are painful to read and I don't even know you or him! I think you must miss the idea of him. Not the real him. Because why would you miss a sociopathic abuser?

You seem lonely. I'm sorry. I don't know how I would fill the time. But I don't think I'd fill it by reflecting on our dysfunctional relationship. That would make me feel sad. It just seems like those memories would be so hurtful.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Keep on truckin'!
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Old 07-23-2010, 01:59 PM
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Of course it's normal to miss him, but you left him in March. It is now the end of July. Things should be quite a bit easier by now, but continuing to go back and read the emails just keeps the wound fresh. Again, you are causing yourself more misery than he is.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:17 PM
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Sorry.. got distracted by my boss. It's true.. I miss the idea of him. I know that who I thought he was, is not who he IS.

Actually.. I didn't tear up. I think my tears have dried. It's weird.. it was like a small stab, but it quickly vanished. HE'S CRAZY! He's NOT real... I'm super happy being alone.. it was nice to just think back for a minute, then shut it out I guess.

Yeah, maybe I'm lonely. Not really sure. Kind of like being alone, as I said. Not really fiendin' for attention. Doesn't make much sense, I guess? I think I'm trying to UNDERSTAND.. and re-reading reminded me of his absurd thoughts/behaviors.. and how unhappy I was. It was great to see that I'm getting to where I want to be.

Suki, I did leave him in march.. but we continued to get back together until mid June.. After that, we still 'hooked' up. Honestly, it's been a good three weeks since we ceased MOST communication.. and only about four days of absolutely No Contact. I drug it out for far too long.. but, he has a new girlfriend now... which is good.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:26 PM
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I second what everyone else says and just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I am thinking about you and saying an extra prayer. Post often....

God Bless!
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:43 PM
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Old 07-24-2010, 10:38 AM
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Anvil, you're right. I don't think I even realized... Do you think I like to torture myself? Why else would I want to make myself sad and re-read stuff like that? He still consumes my mind.. but, he doesn't love me anymore, and it sucks.

Oh well, cause soon I WILL LOVE ME!

I love how you're always able to point out the things I cannot see for myself! I appreciate it greatly. I know that now, two years later I can look back at stuff from my ex before him.. and only have fond memories, no regrets, and no pain... I should just stash everything away until I fully get over him.

I really don't like to throw things away. I've been journaling since I was 13... and with such a HORRIBLE memory I like to have things to look back on. I just need to wait. (kinda talking to myself here)
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Old 07-24-2010, 11:00 AM
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Oh man.. breakfast was about FIVE mini muffins.. an apple.. apple juice.. coffee... a shot of xango.. and soon some eleviv! Not too healthy lol.

Actually, I loved myself this morning.. or more so my friend, when he gave me a thiry minute back/neck/shoulder massage. My muscles are SO tight from climbing! I met this cute gay (female) couple climbing, so I've got more new friends! Lovely times!!!
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