Not at all. I felt sick and tired of feeling badly and crying over hurt feelings in relationships. I just wanted it to stop.

Just one or two. They kinda' already knew the SSRIs weren't working for me from prior attempts, so they went ahead and tried the SNRI and that was the ticket.

I guess you could use that word to describe that experience, yeah. It was weird, and rather magical for me, because I'd be having a typical day and someone would say or do something, or something would happen, and it would slowly dawn on me what the hell was actually going on. Almost as if in slow motion, it was like a light slowly getting brighter and the truth would be revealed: I could simultaneously see the way I USED TO perceive and understand that situation (sick perception) AND the way I NOW perceived and understood it was completely different (healthy perception). It was a trip a day like that for a long time. I know I've used this analogy on SR for something else before, but it was like when The Wizard of Oz turns from black and white to color, and all of a sudden you can see what Oz is REALLY like.

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. 20+ years of it as a matter of fact. I'm with ya'.

Good food, good exercise, good nutrition and good medicine are good for providing this :) New relationships with men, I think, gave me that relief for quite some time. Problem was, that relief was only temporary and it didn't matter WHO the guy was, or what he was even like. How about using the high of a new relationship, the high of a new hope for a future, the high of putting someone else on a pedestal and worshiping THEM to provide relief from everyday depression? Wow, I think I just figured something out about myself.

I never had any side effects that were bad enough to hurt me, so I never really was scared of that while actually TAKING meds. It was only during the times when I wasn't even seeing a doctor that I was scared of taking meds; which is why I stayed AWAY from doctors in the first place. Turned out there was nothing really to be scared about, because like my doctor said, I could just give it a try for 9 months (to get the most benefit) and then, if I wanted to, I could stop. Fancy that, huh? But I understand completely because yes, I was SCARED.

Yes, I tried strattera, and it didn't work for me. But I can't take stimulant medications because I have a heart condition. So, I am waiting for a new non-stimulant treatment to come out, which one has, but it is for children and adolescents only :(

Jenny, I think your posts and your positive attitude (especially DESPITE your bad feelings) give a lot of people here HOPE. At least you give that to me. So thank you. I am grateful for your shares, your honesty, your openness, and your willingness to consider whatever anyone says in feedback. I hope you can get this problem straightened out soon and feeling better soon.

Me too

woke up today being pissed off about money fighting with the hubbie

then I come here and read about Live eating Sonic burgers and Jenny's rut ending and the hundreds of other great things being said.

WOW it's powerful!! I never thought something like this (forum) could have so much impact.

:tyou Thank you thank you thank you :tyou

Now I have to call and apologize for yelling - God I hate that part!

LOL, I was thinking about Live and her Sonic burgers, and Anvils weebles wobble... and it made me laugh. Quite often I find myself laughing out loud at something someone said.

I'm happy AND shocked that I was able to provide others with hope. Everyone here has done the same for me!

L2L, I see how you mentioned "crying at hurt feelings"... and I always do that. It can be over the silliest thing, but it HURTS and I CRY! I thought I was just an immature crybaby (that's what they said) and I never associated it with depression. Thank you for opening my eyes. Do you recommend only getting on medicine through a psychiatrist dr... or is medical okay? I also have Lymes Disease, and I wanted to go for more blood work to see if it's active ---- and the doctor tried giving me cymbalta once, for the pain... which I also see is a SNRI... Maybe it could help in more ways than one, and I could 'feel' better about taking it for 'pain'! Would you advise AGAINST this?

Yeah but it is just so healthy for everyone involved when each of us takes responsibility for our own bad behavior. So good for you for apologizing!

Thanks a lot for this thread.

Jen, you are already light years ahead from me when I broke up with XABF. Crying IS moving on. Going through the ups and downs IS moving on. I mean, you could get some guy and parade him today if you wished. That is NOT moving on in my book.

When I think "how could he move on after a few days" I remember he has alcohol, he has sex, and in his world that's all that really ever matters. It makes no sense to compare my spiritual journey to his endless "party" and manipulation and "I love you"s followed by "I hate you"s, in words or actions. Leave that hell to the ones that feel they deserve to be there.


Its been 1.5 years for me and I am still bitter and sad when I remember stuff,especially when they get someone and you get news or see it yourself often as it was my case. I am going to therapy because my goal is indifference.

Rejection hurt like hell but I realize it hurt because I have rejected myself for decades. Then I start sitting down realizing what I have learned so far

I am
-ugly
-fat
-dumb
-invisible
-less than, overall

And guess who I chose? this addict made me feel exactly like that.

-ugly. He checked out other women while with me. Other examples abound.

-fat. We saw a commercial with a woman struggling to fit in a dress and he said that was me when we went and I tried swimsuits and all were too small for me.

-dumb. It was always about his topics and my views were not listened with honest interest.

-invisible. There was only one important person. And it was not me , lol.

-less than, overall.

Once I started working on those false impressions I have/learned, I realized they are simply not true. Well it is still in progress. But once i start realizing my many gifts, qualities, achievements; since I have treated myself like a human being and with more compassion, being "rejected" by some person is not the end of the world at all.

Also I realized the ex did not recognize my good qualities because I did not recognize them myself. And now that I do I feel much better and it DOESN'T MATTER if others do recognize them or not. I do AND IT IS ENOUGH. :) as to what people do after you broke up with them, its their business, their journey and most probably the same hells or worse.

It is funny how many don't become what we wished or "could be", but in our recovery WE become much better than we were. And WE are not coming back to them.

Others cannot or don't want to improve, but we do and there is no stopping us.... that is why I really liked, that you always are who you are.....if you are honest you will always grow and become stronger even after the most painful events. To transcend all those experiences is a beautiful gift, the gift of being able to change outlooks, change feelings, feel more of X and less Y, NOT feel Z anymore, it is all under our power... our joy is not up to anyone else :grouphug:

Aw, you're welcome. You don't sound immature to me. I am a crybaby too, even though I am a VERY tough girl. Someone can say something mean and it hurts my feelings and I cry. Even ON anti-depressants, because I don't think that has anything to do with depression, I think it is because we are tender-hearted people. I am a very simple, good, kind-hearted, empathetic person and you are probably the same, yes? I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, immature. Sensitive? Yes. Silly? Yes. Goofy? Yes. Immature? No.

I really don't know the answer because I am not a medical professional but no, I don't advise against being treated for a medical condition and if you get additional benefits, what the heck, right? I do know that a psychiatrist should know all the latest and greatest information about these medicines, whereas a non-psychiatric doctor generally would not be as up-to-date or knowledgeable.

Hmm L2L, you got me thinking! Tender-hearted and tough. People have always told me I'm tough, driven, etc... and I feel like the EXACT opposite. Now you've shifted my perception yet again. Actually, I went back and read quite a bit of your previous posts, and I could really relate to a lot of your 'internal dialogue' and just what I gather from you as a person. I can be really hard on myself, and like taking charge said, feel 'less than'... so it's great to change the way I view myself.

TakingCharge,
I really enjoyed reading your response!

"Once I started working on those false impressions I have/learned, I realized they are simply not true. Well it is still in progress. But once i start realizing my many gifts, qualities, achievements; since I have treated myself like a human being and with more compassion, being "rejected" by some person is not the end of the world at all."

After EVERYONE'S response here.. I really started viewing things in the manner you just described. I think it helps knowing I'm dealing with a sociopathic man... and being rejected by him is only in his nature. It will run it's course in his life, and THANK GOD I'm not the target anymore. While it hurts and I feel duped, I know it's a blessing.

I get attention from guys - and I truly don't really like it. I'm comfortable going home and sleeping in my bed, ALL ALONE! I look forward to just cleaning my house this weekend (how odd is that)... and don't even care if I spend it alone. Taking care of yourself feels great!

"It is funny how many don't become what we wished or "could be", but in our recovery WE become much better than we were. And WE are not coming back to them. Others cannot or don't want to improve, but we do and there is no stopping us...."

This is one thing I pride myself on. My desire to better myself! I've seen how many people live in denial, and I think it makes us a special bunch of people, lol!

**my response is so blah... waiting for the coffee to kick in. That's another bad habit I'd like to cut out eventually, caffeine! Drink WAYYYYYYYYY too much. I've eliminated diet soda for the most part, so it's a step!!

You are wonderful!!

I think when it comes to relationships of any kind, it's not that your "duped" people MOST of the time just don't fit together. For all kinds of reasons

You will fall in love again Jenny (God help us all:a108:) J.K.

Just remember what you have learned. Do not repeat!!

A relationship and the end of a relationship does not have to cause complete devastation.

I repeat! Do not repeat!!

Take Pride in everything you do Sweetie - You have so much GOOD ahead of you.

No more diet soda at all - it's poison

Don't know why.. but reading old emails between him and I... not so much as to feel 'sad'... kind of to remind myself why he's not good for me. Not sure of my motives, but this stuck out to me..

"I don’t want to smoke and drink and be lazy B. I’m mourning over the loss of you, and it’s all I CAN bring myself to do. I don’t intend on keeping it this way. I want to become the Jenny I want to be. I strive for health, and I will get it back. I felt like that isn’t something you wanted. How would we have ever seen eye to eye? You’re right. I tried to change you. I didn’t want a smoker, a drinker, a pill popper. Nonetheless, I LOVED YOU. I loved {B}, that I was willing to look past those things."

I wrote that to him back in March.. in a series of emails. After reading over them.. I saw how he again never addressed the pain he caused me. It was all ME ME ME ME.. where as I was constantly apologizing for hurting him.

I'm really excited to see that I had my mind set on what I wanted.. and three months later, I'm actually making it happen. It just feels GOOD! I knew when I was with him it would never work... but, I held on for so long. This is so painful - but, I'm so happy it turned out this way. I truly am.. becoming genuinely happy.

*just posting this for my own reminder... to reflect back on.

BAHAHAHAHA! Need to add for my own pleasure and for a quick laugh!

"I will do what I have to and I dont want to hear **** from anyone on how I do it. You're such a hypocrite and I told you a whole sh!t load of the things I've needed you to stop doing. You won't make me out to be a bad person anymore, you make me feel like sh!t and I'm a great guy and plenty of girls would love to date me. I'm not gonna listen to this sh!t from you."

Eeek.. No. I actually felt sadness overcome me. Bad idea to read those... Stupid me. I'm okay though. I still know in my heart I made the right decision..

It's just.. reading those, again, has me questioning myself... Was he that bad? He seemed okay. He's right.. I over react, etc... Maybe he's not insane.. maybe he's normal, and I'm the crazy one... Blah blah.

*sighs...

I haven't lost progress here though! No worries. Off to the gym, then climbing in an hour! Going to be a good weekend!

The longer you keep picking at the scab, the longer it will take to heal. You are causing yourself more grief than he is. If you want him back so badly, then go beg him to come back. Is that really what you want?

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Have you tried the rubberband trick - where you put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you think about him or say something unhealthy or negative to yourself, you snap yourself, hard.

I dunno. It worked for me. Behavior modication.

I have permanent red marks... Makes me cringe thinking about it to this very day.

Hey, I never said I was trying to get him back. Just reflecting I guess... I certainly do not want to go running back to him. It's okay to miss him.. which is what I'm doing. Honestly, the feeling has passed, and I've moved on to thinking about the gym in twenty minutes! Not being defensive.. just stating!

Those emails you posted make me cringe. They are painful to read and I don't even know you or him! I think you must miss the idea of him. Not the real him. Because why would you miss a sociopathic abuser?

You seem lonely. I'm sorry. I don't know how I would fill the time. But I don't think I'd fill it by reflecting on our dysfunctional relationship. That would make me feel sad. It just seems like those memories would be so hurtful.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Keep on truckin'!

Of course it's normal to miss him, but you left him in March. It is now the end of July. Things should be quite a bit easier by now, but continuing to go back and read the emails just keeps the wound fresh. Again, you are causing yourself more misery than he is.