Need comforting...
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Thanks ChrrisT.. just seems like it's taking me forever. Everyone seems so STRONG.. I keep hearing to work on me.. AND I AM WORKING ON ME... so I get confused.. like I don't know what else to do anymore... like I can't get it right.
Silly, really.
Silly, really.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear Jenny, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good job with your healthy eating and exercise! I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but that's gotta help in the long run.
And that's pretty much all you can do--take care of yourself. If you don't like al-anon, don't go to al-anon, but do find someone to talk to, someone to support you. Maybe get a massage.
I try to remember what Rilke said: "Why did I squander my hours of pain, and look past them to the bitter duration?" All pain passes, but while it lasts there are rich lessons to be had.
Take care.
And that's pretty much all you can do--take care of yourself. If you don't like al-anon, don't go to al-anon, but do find someone to talk to, someone to support you. Maybe get a massage.
I try to remember what Rilke said: "Why did I squander my hours of pain, and look past them to the bitter duration?" All pain passes, but while it lasts there are rich lessons to be had.
Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really am doing a lot of internal work.
No one fly's a straight path to recovery. There are peaks and valleys for everyone. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all learn lesson's today, so that we can do better tomorrow...and just like with anything else...some lessons are needed more then once. It is normal.
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Ugh. So I'm losing my mind. I come home from work today, get a bowl of cereal to eat.. and before I take my first bite...
My brothers girlfriend proceeds to tell me how she saw him at the store with his new girlfriend... who I believe to be his ex.
Cereal immediately went to the trash. I can't stop thinking. I can't sleep. I'm SO upset.. and it pisses me off that I care so much.
I went to therapy today, and I was crying my eyes out over this situation. I was feeling better, and I came home and hearing that just devastated me. I don't understand WHY I cannot get past this. I don't even want him back, but it hurts SO bad to know he's moved on so easily.
Poor girl.. and if it's his ex - well, she's a moron. Still. I can't stop dwelling. I just wish someone could say something to ease my pain.... it seems to be getting harder everyday...
My brothers girlfriend proceeds to tell me how she saw him at the store with his new girlfriend... who I believe to be his ex.
Cereal immediately went to the trash. I can't stop thinking. I can't sleep. I'm SO upset.. and it pisses me off that I care so much.
I went to therapy today, and I was crying my eyes out over this situation. I was feeling better, and I came home and hearing that just devastated me. I don't understand WHY I cannot get past this. I don't even want him back, but it hurts SO bad to know he's moved on so easily.
Poor girl.. and if it's his ex - well, she's a moron. Still. I can't stop dwelling. I just wish someone could say something to ease my pain.... it seems to be getting harder everyday...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Jenny,
I am SO SORRY sweetie. I am in almost the exact same boat as you. My X moved into a new apartment.(Next to a girl he proclaims to have a crush on) and then BOOM,guess who is out the door? I AM.
I'm in retardo thought mode: "what if he marries the next girl", "what if he's nice to her", "what if he's clean for her", "what if she's everything I wasn't".
I'm going through the same thing. He was so emotionally abusive to me,yet he puts on the nice guy act on her. I only hope she's not as stupid as I am,and falls for it. Let her take him on late night runs to buy more booze/cold tablets to abuse.
All I can tell you,and hope,is that Karma really IS a B*tch. Try to be strong,and hey,I'm here if you need someone to vent to. We all are.
I am SO SORRY sweetie. I am in almost the exact same boat as you. My X moved into a new apartment.(Next to a girl he proclaims to have a crush on) and then BOOM,guess who is out the door? I AM.
I'm in retardo thought mode: "what if he marries the next girl", "what if he's nice to her", "what if he's clean for her", "what if she's everything I wasn't".
I'm going through the same thing. He was so emotionally abusive to me,yet he puts on the nice guy act on her. I only hope she's not as stupid as I am,and falls for it. Let her take him on late night runs to buy more booze/cold tablets to abuse.
All I can tell you,and hope,is that Karma really IS a B*tch. Try to be strong,and hey,I'm here if you need someone to vent to. We all are.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Jenny...breathe...
It's been seemingly getting harder because you chose to still contact him.
You need to give yourself time.
It's not easy, it hurts, but it will allow you to grow. The feeling of rejection is a powerful emotion, it distorts our self image, it holds onto jealousy and it makes us feel inferior. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
You need to take what you heard tonight as a gift from your HP reminding you.. "It's time to move on Jenny...let go, let go, let go...he is not the one for you".
It's been seemingly getting harder because you chose to still contact him.
You need to give yourself time.
It's not easy, it hurts, but it will allow you to grow. The feeling of rejection is a powerful emotion, it distorts our self image, it holds onto jealousy and it makes us feel inferior. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
You need to take what you heard tonight as a gift from your HP reminding you.. "It's time to move on Jenny...let go, let go, let go...he is not the one for you".
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Jen my dear girl, it is hard to cope with these emotions when fit and well, but with chronic pain it is an almost impossible task.
First thing to do for me, would be to tell brother's big mouth GF to not say another word about your ex, not even if he's hanging upside down from the Empire State building with his pants on fire.....NOT A WORD.
Second is to make a plan or have a few plans ready for yourself, so if you are craving contact with this jerk, you can go into action mode doing something else.
I think seeing your Dr and having further tests for your neck problem is a very good idea, and don't look on taking pain medication as a bad thing....look on it as a blessed relief. It is only last century that good pain relief was there for us, and antibiotics as well. Without my pain meds I would have jumped from a bridge years ago.
Find something that you would LOVE to do, but never have....and go do it.
Look at all the things, you now have the opportunity to do, without Mr A Jerk stuffing them up, or belittling you......as long as they are FOR YOU...go get 'em, girl.
God bless
First thing to do for me, would be to tell brother's big mouth GF to not say another word about your ex, not even if he's hanging upside down from the Empire State building with his pants on fire.....NOT A WORD.
Second is to make a plan or have a few plans ready for yourself, so if you are craving contact with this jerk, you can go into action mode doing something else.
I think seeing your Dr and having further tests for your neck problem is a very good idea, and don't look on taking pain medication as a bad thing....look on it as a blessed relief. It is only last century that good pain relief was there for us, and antibiotics as well. Without my pain meds I would have jumped from a bridge years ago.
Find something that you would LOVE to do, but never have....and go do it.
Look at all the things, you now have the opportunity to do, without Mr A Jerk stuffing them up, or belittling you......as long as they are FOR YOU...go get 'em, girl.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25
First thing to do for me, would be to tell brother's big mouth GF to not say another word about your ex, not even if he's hanging upside down from the Empire State building with his pants on fire.....NOT A WORD.
welcome back, jadmack
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Jenny, jenny, jenny...
Well you already know what I think. Listen to Jadmack though. You need to tell the brothers GF, and well hell....anyone else family or friend that can possibly run into the ex to keep it to themselves. That he is not part of your life anymore, and that there is no reason for his name to even be mentioned around you.
Well you already know what I think. Listen to Jadmack though. You need to tell the brothers GF, and well hell....anyone else family or friend that can possibly run into the ex to keep it to themselves. That he is not part of your life anymore, and that there is no reason for his name to even be mentioned around you.
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I appreciate your responses.
I don't know why it's upsetting me so much, but I'm having an extremely difficult time with this. The contact thing isn't much of an issue, because he doesn't give a sh!t about me anymore...
Some days I literally feel on top of the world, then I go through a four-day rut. Perhaps it's about run it's course at this point. I realize he isn't worth getting upset over, but one thing I have never learned to manage is my emotions. Feelings and thoughts are just THAT, feelings and thoughts. It doesn't make them real --- and I just want to LET go of them.
I feel silly about all of this. He was a horrible, horrible boyfriend to me, and the thought of being back with him is repulsive. As kittyboo said, I suppose it's the feelings of rejection I am now facing. Combined with my low self-esteem, I'm just setting myself up to feel like crap.
Today is a new day... and it will be better. I appreciate all of your responses so much - I have no one left to talk to about how I feel, because all I hear is, "get over it".... and that does NOT help.
The only solace I find in this matter --- is if I reassure myself he is indeed, most likely a sociopath. That way I will not internalize all of this anger and rage, and blame myself. He was merely incapable of loving me. Like you guys said, it is not a reflection of WHO I AM. Still having a hard time grasping this whole concept - and understanding how he could move onto someone else so quickly. God, it stings.
Sometimes I just need to hear the same things over and over again...
*Jadmack, thank you for making me feel okay when I do take prescription pills... it's hard to not feel like a complete hypocrite.
I don't know why it's upsetting me so much, but I'm having an extremely difficult time with this. The contact thing isn't much of an issue, because he doesn't give a sh!t about me anymore...
Some days I literally feel on top of the world, then I go through a four-day rut. Perhaps it's about run it's course at this point. I realize he isn't worth getting upset over, but one thing I have never learned to manage is my emotions. Feelings and thoughts are just THAT, feelings and thoughts. It doesn't make them real --- and I just want to LET go of them.
I feel silly about all of this. He was a horrible, horrible boyfriend to me, and the thought of being back with him is repulsive. As kittyboo said, I suppose it's the feelings of rejection I am now facing. Combined with my low self-esteem, I'm just setting myself up to feel like crap.
Today is a new day... and it will be better. I appreciate all of your responses so much - I have no one left to talk to about how I feel, because all I hear is, "get over it".... and that does NOT help.
The only solace I find in this matter --- is if I reassure myself he is indeed, most likely a sociopath. That way I will not internalize all of this anger and rage, and blame myself. He was merely incapable of loving me. Like you guys said, it is not a reflection of WHO I AM. Still having a hard time grasping this whole concept - and understanding how he could move onto someone else so quickly. God, it stings.
Sometimes I just need to hear the same things over and over again...
*Jadmack, thank you for making me feel okay when I do take prescription pills... it's hard to not feel like a complete hypocrite.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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"I think it may be a power thing on MY part. I broke up with HIM... and now, he doesn't want ME." (quote from your post, Jen)
Jenny,
i re- read your post and this one sentence jumped out at me. Rejection! It is an area where I am most vulnerable. And maybe that is so with you. I have been through more breakups than I care to count, and the ones that messed my mind up the most were the ones where I was rejected. Even if it was the best thing for me. It got under my skin, and I had the hardest time accepting it. And did not even recognize it, for years. REjection hurts and feels so yukky- especially when a LOSER rejects us! It has NOTHING to do with you, or your worth. He cant deal with a real relationship, and cant deal with fixing what he needs to do. maybe he realizes deep down that he cannot offer you anything right now. good luck to him, but pass him by and head down the road to recovery, girl. you are not alone.
He is too sick to love his own self, let alone another person. A dry well.
Sometimes we miss the "rush" of the intensity, the game, the attention given . That is not the real stuff, tho. Wait for the real stuff that does not make you beg for validation.
I surely understand your feelings. I wasted many hours on those very same feelings.
I also tried to stay busy, and ran from the feelings as much as I could. Literally. one night, i was running around a ball field, for some exercise, hurting from the breakup, and it hit me- this pain will NOT kill me- I sat down, cried my eyes out, and I tell you, crying is such good medicine sometimes!
With each successive relationship, I have learned. Now, I wont even date a guy if he is a drinker, for fear of having to go through a breakup again. I know that may not be necessary, but for me, I avoid it. I watch with the eyes of the eagle-lol- for any alcohol dependency.
hang in there. you are on the right road, just put on those blinders, where you can only see you, and your needs.
hugs
Jenny,
i re- read your post and this one sentence jumped out at me. Rejection! It is an area where I am most vulnerable. And maybe that is so with you. I have been through more breakups than I care to count, and the ones that messed my mind up the most were the ones where I was rejected. Even if it was the best thing for me. It got under my skin, and I had the hardest time accepting it. And did not even recognize it, for years. REjection hurts and feels so yukky- especially when a LOSER rejects us! It has NOTHING to do with you, or your worth. He cant deal with a real relationship, and cant deal with fixing what he needs to do. maybe he realizes deep down that he cannot offer you anything right now. good luck to him, but pass him by and head down the road to recovery, girl. you are not alone.
He is too sick to love his own self, let alone another person. A dry well.
Sometimes we miss the "rush" of the intensity, the game, the attention given . That is not the real stuff, tho. Wait for the real stuff that does not make you beg for validation.
I surely understand your feelings. I wasted many hours on those very same feelings.
I also tried to stay busy, and ran from the feelings as much as I could. Literally. one night, i was running around a ball field, for some exercise, hurting from the breakup, and it hit me- this pain will NOT kill me- I sat down, cried my eyes out, and I tell you, crying is such good medicine sometimes!
With each successive relationship, I have learned. Now, I wont even date a guy if he is a drinker, for fear of having to go through a breakup again. I know that may not be necessary, but for me, I avoid it. I watch with the eyes of the eagle-lol- for any alcohol dependency.
hang in there. you are on the right road, just put on those blinders, where you can only see you, and your needs.
hugs
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"With each successive relationship, I have learned. Now, I wont even date a guy if he is a drinker, for fear of having to go through a breakup again. I know that may not be necessary, but for me, I avoid it. I watch with the eyes of the eagle-lol- for any alcohol dependency."
Ah, I feel the same way for my future relationships. Hopefully I can differentiate between a 'regular' drinker, or 'social' drinker - but really, I'd like to be with someone who NEVER feels the need to drink.. or do drugs... etc.
How did you work through your feelings of rejection? I know mine is rooted in childhood. My psychologist's plan with me so far (we've met twice) is to teach me about mindfulness, and living in the present. I surely could benefit from some awareness, and not dwelling on the past or future... I just don't know how to get over rejection, or fear of rejection, without deeming myself unworthy. What did you do? --- Unless, you mean being busy is what helped.. or hindered. Slightly confused.
Ah, I feel the same way for my future relationships. Hopefully I can differentiate between a 'regular' drinker, or 'social' drinker - but really, I'd like to be with someone who NEVER feels the need to drink.. or do drugs... etc.
How did you work through your feelings of rejection? I know mine is rooted in childhood. My psychologist's plan with me so far (we've met twice) is to teach me about mindfulness, and living in the present. I surely could benefit from some awareness, and not dwelling on the past or future... I just don't know how to get over rejection, or fear of rejection, without deeming myself unworthy. What did you do? --- Unless, you mean being busy is what helped.. or hindered. Slightly confused.
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Hi Jenny
From the little I have read, I don't think your a bad person at all.
You are trying to rationalise an irrational person and it cant be done.
Al-anon isn't for everyone but I am glad you are on this site as you get to read other peoples sharing and take what you like and leave the rest, just as in Al-anon.
Keep working through your feelings with your therapist, because you sound like me, needing to be loved and fearing rejection. I am sure you will feel more like you - soon. Time is a great healer, so they say.
From the little I have read, I don't think your a bad person at all.
You are trying to rationalise an irrational person and it cant be done.
Al-anon isn't for everyone but I am glad you are on this site as you get to read other peoples sharing and take what you like and leave the rest, just as in Al-anon.
Keep working through your feelings with your therapist, because you sound like me, needing to be loved and fearing rejection. I am sure you will feel more like you - soon. Time is a great healer, so they say.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Jenny,
I let the rejection hurt me. I gave it the power. I had to realize that. I hurt so badly about being rejected by the man who I loved more than any (he still has the record) " is he my FRIEND?" Is he being a friend? The answer was no- and I decided that I was not going to waste any more time on someone who was not even caring enough about me to be a friend.
I lived next door to him, after the divorce (dumb, dumb, dumb) and he proceeded to get another girlfriend, right away. I got to see her sunbathing, in the lawn chair I used to use, even!!! What a lovely time that was! She was successful, had a fancy sports car, was pretty, and it drove me mad for a while.
I had to let go, and move on. He married her. I married someone else. I have learned the hard way to take care of me. and to value myself. I married someone on the rebound, not good. divorce followed.
married again (what a dummy-) I ignored warning signs- my own fault.
none of my hubbys drank. but were addicts in other ways. anger, porn, liar extraordinaire.
I have to force myself to take care of myself. Let go of controlling someone else. you cannot change anyone else- hard enough to change ourselves. sometimes,it seems like they have someone else and they are giving them the good stuff - but not the case. they are who they were, with whoever they are with. if they are not in a recovery .
Case in point- Met my "most beloved ex" years later, on Match.com! he has been divorced twice, too. so , all my painful imaginings were wasted time! I would not go out with him, for anything in the world. I am not sure that one sided love is love at all.
HTH,
I let the rejection hurt me. I gave it the power. I had to realize that. I hurt so badly about being rejected by the man who I loved more than any (he still has the record) " is he my FRIEND?" Is he being a friend? The answer was no- and I decided that I was not going to waste any more time on someone who was not even caring enough about me to be a friend.
I lived next door to him, after the divorce (dumb, dumb, dumb) and he proceeded to get another girlfriend, right away. I got to see her sunbathing, in the lawn chair I used to use, even!!! What a lovely time that was! She was successful, had a fancy sports car, was pretty, and it drove me mad for a while.
I had to let go, and move on. He married her. I married someone else. I have learned the hard way to take care of me. and to value myself. I married someone on the rebound, not good. divorce followed.
married again (what a dummy-) I ignored warning signs- my own fault.
none of my hubbys drank. but were addicts in other ways. anger, porn, liar extraordinaire.
I have to force myself to take care of myself. Let go of controlling someone else. you cannot change anyone else- hard enough to change ourselves. sometimes,it seems like they have someone else and they are giving them the good stuff - but not the case. they are who they were, with whoever they are with. if they are not in a recovery .
Case in point- Met my "most beloved ex" years later, on Match.com! he has been divorced twice, too. so , all my painful imaginings were wasted time! I would not go out with him, for anything in the world. I am not sure that one sided love is love at all.
HTH,
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Jenny,
One more thought. How did I work through the pain?
I got sick of the pain- I decided it only had power to hurt me if I let it. You just stop piling in on yourself, and move on. new thoughts, etc.
someone once wrote that you cannot learn to be happy with someone else, unless you can be happy alone. that is a biggie, as I used to hate being alone. never thought i would enjoy it. but i can. dont want to always be alone, but till it makes sense to be with someone, i'll just enjoy life.
One more thought. How did I work through the pain?
I got sick of the pain- I decided it only had power to hurt me if I let it. You just stop piling in on yourself, and move on. new thoughts, etc.
someone once wrote that you cannot learn to be happy with someone else, unless you can be happy alone. that is a biggie, as I used to hate being alone. never thought i would enjoy it. but i can. dont want to always be alone, but till it makes sense to be with someone, i'll just enjoy life.
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Fighting is the hard work, fighting the pain, the bad memories, fighting the GOOD memories you miss, the cruel words and all nasty stuff that goes along with alcoholism.
Face it, Accept it and Forgive it.
Fill your mind with good stuff and when the bad thoughts creep in accept them but then let them go with a smile and replace them with something good.
I think the only thing we can control in this whole world are our own thoughts and behavior.
Chicory is right it is time for YOU to enjoy life too.
Keep working, not fighting, soon you will be able to give back and help someone else with the wisdom you have gained from all your experiences.
Stay strong Jenny and keep us posted
Face it, Accept it and Forgive it.
Fill your mind with good stuff and when the bad thoughts creep in accept them but then let them go with a smile and replace them with something good.
I think the only thing we can control in this whole world are our own thoughts and behavior.
Chicory is right it is time for YOU to enjoy life too.
Keep working, not fighting, soon you will be able to give back and help someone else with the wisdom you have gained from all your experiences.
Stay strong Jenny and keep us posted
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I'm fighting all right.. just not much experience with it I suppose. You say the only thing we can control is our own thoughts and behaviors, and that seems to be my biggest obstacle (which I am working on).
I am enjoying my life for the most part - I just become too overwhelmed with sadness at random points. I just drove to get my boss some food, and I randomly started crying... I just can't shake it. Crying is healthy - and I do like it. I'm just tired of crying now. I'm tired of the pain. I am trying to move forward.
I really need to discover some way to build my confidence up. I never knew it would be so hard. I wish I was as strong as other people... and maybe one day I will be.
I am enjoying my life for the most part - I just become too overwhelmed with sadness at random points. I just drove to get my boss some food, and I randomly started crying... I just can't shake it. Crying is healthy - and I do like it. I'm just tired of crying now. I'm tired of the pain. I am trying to move forward.
I really need to discover some way to build my confidence up. I never knew it would be so hard. I wish I was as strong as other people... and maybe one day I will be.
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Stuffing and denying my feelings doesn't work for me. If I feel sad I can journal it out, feel it, cry, release it.....the only way out of the pain is to go ahead and go through it...but I don't massage it and hang on to it anymore than I can help it.
To thine own self be true.
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Jenny, have you been evaluated by a physician for clinical depression? You sound JUST like me when I was 29 and going through what you are going through with XABF. I was stuck in it for what felt like forEVER. Please go get evaluated if you haven't been. Hope you're feeling better soon.
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Thanks L2L... I've been in and out of psychiatrists/therapists for my entire teenage years, and adult life (I'm 23)... and I've been on so many different anti-depressants... I just don't like them.
I become numb to the world. While I'm no longer mopey, I just don't care anymore. I don't like that. I'm not a big believer in medicine either... I'd prefer an all natural approach I guess. I'm at my end though. That is why I sought out a more experience psychologist in hopes of working this out without medication...
How did your situation turn out? Did you medicate? Are you on meds now? Just curious... I feel less-than if I have to rely on pills to make me feel happier. I want to be able to do that on my own, I guess?
I become numb to the world. While I'm no longer mopey, I just don't care anymore. I don't like that. I'm not a big believer in medicine either... I'd prefer an all natural approach I guess. I'm at my end though. That is why I sought out a more experience psychologist in hopes of working this out without medication...
How did your situation turn out? Did you medicate? Are you on meds now? Just curious... I feel less-than if I have to rely on pills to make me feel happier. I want to be able to do that on my own, I guess?
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