Problem drinking vs alcoholism
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Problem drinking vs alcoholism
I'm going through a confusing time right now. My husband stopped drinking 1.5 yrs ago after his drinking created some tough times for us. His drinking profile was always like a college student - bingeing on weekends and never wanting to grow up. It especially became an issue once I was pregnant and had our daughter, and, after al anon and some changes in my thinking and behaviour, I asked him to leave which prompted sobriety. At this same time, we moved to be closer to my family in another city, so we had lots of challenges in many areas to cope with.
He went to AA for about 6 months. Then I started a class on the night of a meeting he frequently attended, and he never switched to another. We, when babysitting was and is available, still attend a couples AA/Al anon meeting; he's not opposed to that, but doesn't like AA cuz it feels preachy and he says he can't relate to the people there. He admits he had a problem in the past but feels it impossible to imagine that he could never drink again. He is easygoing and never abusive, really very opposite to many stories I hear here. Always encouraged me to have my own life, friends, goals, was the life of the party after a few, a bit depressed after many, and hung out with lots of his university buddies that also heavily partied pretty often. Not a controlling type, kind of the opposite in allowing others to control him (like me, I slipped right through that door!)
After one small slip at Christmas, he had another recently. Baseball tournament, was almost like he used to get. Since then, drinking has become more regular, but not problematic. Meaning, he's been drinking the way 'normal' drinkers drink (it's only been a few days - we're visiting friends and family in our old city). A beer offered on a hot day. Wine with dinner. Went to a wedding and he moderated. The first few slips really bothered me but I've worked through it with my sponsor. I asked him if he's all of a sudden become a normal drinker and if so, what's changed. He says that his time sober showed him that his drinking was becoming a problem and he wanted to hide from such things as growing up and becoming a parent. But he realizes that he doesn't want to be that guy, he doesn't want the hangovers he used to have and the negative consequences that accompanied his previous drinking. Tonight I can't sleep and I googled problem drinking and alcoholism, and there is research that shows that some people who had issues in the past have been able to drink moderately. I'm in al anon and will not stop because his drinking became an issue for me regardless of the definition. Really, what I am right now is scared. Al anon and my sponsor will help me get through this one day at a time, but my mind travels to places regardless and I must allow myself to feel what I feel. Of course part of me wants to believe it and another thinks that the slope will just get more and more slippery. But then, what is the distinction between problem drinkers and alcoholics? If research and studies exist then it must be a reality for some to have been able to moderate. What is the difference between that person and the person unable to truly control it? Based on my own experience me and all whom I knew in university drank a lot. We still did after school ended and we were all working. It began to then taper off as we started to focus more on things like career and marriage and kids (we are now in our mid-30s). So it's possible that some reach that point later than others, no? I suppose only time will tell me my answer, and that my focus needs to be on me, but this is my current reality so please don't fault me for wondering about all this.
He went to AA for about 6 months. Then I started a class on the night of a meeting he frequently attended, and he never switched to another. We, when babysitting was and is available, still attend a couples AA/Al anon meeting; he's not opposed to that, but doesn't like AA cuz it feels preachy and he says he can't relate to the people there. He admits he had a problem in the past but feels it impossible to imagine that he could never drink again. He is easygoing and never abusive, really very opposite to many stories I hear here. Always encouraged me to have my own life, friends, goals, was the life of the party after a few, a bit depressed after many, and hung out with lots of his university buddies that also heavily partied pretty often. Not a controlling type, kind of the opposite in allowing others to control him (like me, I slipped right through that door!)
After one small slip at Christmas, he had another recently. Baseball tournament, was almost like he used to get. Since then, drinking has become more regular, but not problematic. Meaning, he's been drinking the way 'normal' drinkers drink (it's only been a few days - we're visiting friends and family in our old city). A beer offered on a hot day. Wine with dinner. Went to a wedding and he moderated. The first few slips really bothered me but I've worked through it with my sponsor. I asked him if he's all of a sudden become a normal drinker and if so, what's changed. He says that his time sober showed him that his drinking was becoming a problem and he wanted to hide from such things as growing up and becoming a parent. But he realizes that he doesn't want to be that guy, he doesn't want the hangovers he used to have and the negative consequences that accompanied his previous drinking. Tonight I can't sleep and I googled problem drinking and alcoholism, and there is research that shows that some people who had issues in the past have been able to drink moderately. I'm in al anon and will not stop because his drinking became an issue for me regardless of the definition. Really, what I am right now is scared. Al anon and my sponsor will help me get through this one day at a time, but my mind travels to places regardless and I must allow myself to feel what I feel. Of course part of me wants to believe it and another thinks that the slope will just get more and more slippery. But then, what is the distinction between problem drinkers and alcoholics? If research and studies exist then it must be a reality for some to have been able to moderate. What is the difference between that person and the person unable to truly control it? Based on my own experience me and all whom I knew in university drank a lot. We still did after school ended and we were all working. It began to then taper off as we started to focus more on things like career and marriage and kids (we are now in our mid-30s). So it's possible that some reach that point later than others, no? I suppose only time will tell me my answer, and that my focus needs to be on me, but this is my current reality so please don't fault me for wondering about all this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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After one small slip at Christmas, he had another recently. Baseball tournament, was almost like he used to get. Since then, drinking has become more regular, but not problematic. Meaning, he's been drinking the way 'normal' drinkers drink (it's only been a few days - we're visiting friends and family in our old city). A beer offered on a hot day. Wine with dinner. Went to a wedding and he moderated. The first few slips really bothered me but I've worked through it with my sponsor. I asked him if he's all of a sudden become a normal drinker and if so, what's changed. He says that his time sober showed him that his drinking was becoming a problem and he wanted to hide from such things as growing up and becoming a parent. But he realizes that he doesn't want to be that guy, he doesn't want the hangovers he used to have and the negative consequences that accompanied his previous drinking.
I don't think ANYONE should fault you for apparently starting to panic that your husband is in the middle of relapsing. I have learned that the more I feel the need to TALK about something, the more of a problem that something actually is than I am even consciously aware of. You are an intelligent woman, silkspin, and it's pretty obvious that your instincts are telling you something is definitely wrong here. You're trying to wrap your head around something that is never going to add up. The question is not, IMO, whether your husband is a "problem drinker" or an "alcoholic," but perhaps it is how are you going to handle this relapse?
Just my guess. I hope you got some sleep. It's really frickin' annoying when you find your peace and then some alcoholic you live with goes and starts screwing things up. I hate that. It just makes me want to kick them out.
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I couldn't write back the other day but now back from the trip. You are right, learn2live, I'm trying to manage the relapse and to make sense of it all. Some magical thinking too I imagine - hoping that it won't be what it was before. Then again, it will never be, because I have a program, but hoping that he won't walk that path.
I discussed my plan for the trip with my sponsor before I left and the plan was that I would not be engaging with any of the drinking. And I didn't. I focused on other things, said nothing, and truthfully got through it well in terms of my psyche. The thing that bugs me is that he 'became' a 'normal' drinker after over a year of abstinence. Maybe he was acting for his own sake (i.e. to convince himself that he could be a normal drinker) but he went from nothing, to as if a glass of wine with dinner was the most typical thing for him. So I tried to work through my feelings without engaging him. And can I confess a horrible truth? I almost felt closer to him on this trip than I have in a long time. And it was awful to realize why but it's the reality. He was more like himself. This whole past year of abstinence without program has had him feeling pretty horrible - feeling like he cannot drink for the rest of his life, hiding from social occasions, feeling tense anytime others were or would be drinking. Made him into a recluse basically. His biggest thing about it is not fitting in and it has made him so uncomfortable. So now he has apparently given himself permission to drink (moderately, at least for now) and that has eased his social awkwardness. So he seemed more relaxed and that carried over to me feeling better towards him. I guess it's like slipping on an old shoe.
This scares me for many reasons. One, that the old shoe will get quite comfy and he'll start down a bad path. The other, is that I was shocked of my feelings because I can't differentiate between the real him and the booze. Meaning, was that his real self because he let go of the tension of not drinking, or is his old self only like that because of the drinking?
My current plan is to continue my own path, although I'm not ready to give up on this relationship quite yet. His actions since initial sobriety up until now have been positive with me and our daughter, even if not to himself. Because he dropped AA and has been white knuckling it, I know he is still in denial, but I guess the fear of losing me and his daughter has kept him on the straight and narrow. And since being in program, I've encouraged him to be who he wants/needs to be regardless of how I feel, because him trying to be all things to all others but himself has created some inner turmoil for him. So now I must accept what he is right now. Can I live with it? Right now I'm confused, but I can. What I must do now is consider what my boundaries are, so that I can manage whatever comes my way.
I discussed my plan for the trip with my sponsor before I left and the plan was that I would not be engaging with any of the drinking. And I didn't. I focused on other things, said nothing, and truthfully got through it well in terms of my psyche. The thing that bugs me is that he 'became' a 'normal' drinker after over a year of abstinence. Maybe he was acting for his own sake (i.e. to convince himself that he could be a normal drinker) but he went from nothing, to as if a glass of wine with dinner was the most typical thing for him. So I tried to work through my feelings without engaging him. And can I confess a horrible truth? I almost felt closer to him on this trip than I have in a long time. And it was awful to realize why but it's the reality. He was more like himself. This whole past year of abstinence without program has had him feeling pretty horrible - feeling like he cannot drink for the rest of his life, hiding from social occasions, feeling tense anytime others were or would be drinking. Made him into a recluse basically. His biggest thing about it is not fitting in and it has made him so uncomfortable. So now he has apparently given himself permission to drink (moderately, at least for now) and that has eased his social awkwardness. So he seemed more relaxed and that carried over to me feeling better towards him. I guess it's like slipping on an old shoe.
This scares me for many reasons. One, that the old shoe will get quite comfy and he'll start down a bad path. The other, is that I was shocked of my feelings because I can't differentiate between the real him and the booze. Meaning, was that his real self because he let go of the tension of not drinking, or is his old self only like that because of the drinking?
My current plan is to continue my own path, although I'm not ready to give up on this relationship quite yet. His actions since initial sobriety up until now have been positive with me and our daughter, even if not to himself. Because he dropped AA and has been white knuckling it, I know he is still in denial, but I guess the fear of losing me and his daughter has kept him on the straight and narrow. And since being in program, I've encouraged him to be who he wants/needs to be regardless of how I feel, because him trying to be all things to all others but himself has created some inner turmoil for him. So now I must accept what he is right now. Can I live with it? Right now I'm confused, but I can. What I must do now is consider what my boundaries are, so that I can manage whatever comes my way.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, a little bit of alcohol is great at relieving personal tensions like that. And yes, a little bit of alcohol often does make certain types of people feel "normal." Problem is, when the person is an alcoholic, things get out of control. It sounds like only time will tell but history certainly does have a way of repeating itself so I am glad you have a program. It would likely be a good idea if he did too. Alcoholics in denial can often be heard saying that they don't need a program.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Not everyone who drinks heavily is a full-blown alcoholic. Some just drink too much or too often and when they realize it, they pull back and get it under control. If they can manage to do that, then they probably aren't an alcoholic. For some people, it's just more of a habit than anything.
If he is in fact an alcoholic, he won't be able to moderate his drinking for too long. At some point, it will again get out of hand. Only time will tell, but in the meantime, don't worry about it. Go ahead and take care of yourself and determine your boundaries. Hopefully, everything will work out. Good luck.
If he is in fact an alcoholic, he won't be able to moderate his drinking for too long. At some point, it will again get out of hand. Only time will tell, but in the meantime, don't worry about it. Go ahead and take care of yourself and determine your boundaries. Hopefully, everything will work out. Good luck.
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Well it didn't take long. Last night he had a softball game, where the last month or so is where he started to have the drink or 2 with the team. I went to bed early. Vaguely heard him come home, but he woke me up when he came stumbling into bed hours later. Seconds later out of bed and down the hall to puke in the toilet. I fell back asleep pretty quickly. Was up early to drop my daughter at daycare and he was just getting up when I got home (working from home today). Tiptoed around, sheepish. Then finally came and apologized. I said for what and he told me what he did last night. Quacked a bit about how sometimes he can control it but sometimes just allows himself to go down the path. I just commented about asking himself what that tells him and that he knows he has other options (like calling an AA guy or going to a meeting) but he chooses to drink. So that should speak volumes too, about how much choice he really has in the matter. Anyhow, I told him I don't need apologies, and he made a comment about this not helping our relationship. Boy, ya think? I said that drinking is what brought us to the verge of disaster, so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that drinking again is a hindrance to rebuilding this, especially after a year of trying to do so. I then told him that he can do what he wants, it's his life, but if we go down that same drinking road, then I will do whatever I need to to protect myself and our daughter. To put it like Lois from Al Anon, love wouldn't be enough. I made that clear as my boundary, and it's up to him. He said he has trouble when he's alone (i.e. I was in bed). He's been on that roller coaster a long time. I told him that instead of trying to find a way to be ok with himself, he continues to evade his own self and it leads him to destructive behaviour. And so be it, nothing I can or will do. Dismissed myself to get back to my own stuff and left him in his discomfort.
I guess my HP answered my questions pretty damned quick, at least that's a blessing. I feel a bit numb though right now; tired of being strong but of course have to be for my darling daughter.
I guess my HP answered my questions pretty damned quick, at least that's a blessing. I feel a bit numb though right now; tired of being strong but of course have to be for my darling daughter.
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I always have to remind myself that his drinking/drugging is HIS problem. And the consequences of that behavior are his to own.
My problem is staying out of his problem and managing myself and my own life. When I set clear boundaries surrounding the kind of behavior I allow in my life, and when I live by them, his problem stays his problem.
And my problems get solved.
Not always easy but it works. I stay in my hulahoop. He stays in his. That's detachment. That's healthy when dealing with an alcoholic/addict.
My problem is staying out of his problem and managing myself and my own life. When I set clear boundaries surrounding the kind of behavior I allow in my life, and when I live by them, his problem stays his problem.
And my problems get solved.
Not always easy but it works. I stay in my hulahoop. He stays in his. That's detachment. That's healthy when dealing with an alcoholic/addict.
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"I always have to remind myself that his drinking/drugging is HIS problem. And the consequences of that behavior are his to own."
The post above says ^^^^^ but I have a big problem with this. My husband's drinking was not only HIS problem. It has cost ME financially and emoationaly. It has damaged OUR DAUGHTERS lives. I think this is why I am having a hard time with the rage I feel. It did not only affect him. This is why I will never be with him if he is drinking in moderation or any drinking at all. It would take one sip for me to tell him to walk, and never look back. An alcoholic cannot drink in moderation, it does not work. Just like an alcoholic, I have hit my bottom. I WILL NOT put up with one more second of his addiction affecting MY life or the life of OUR DAUGHTERS. If one person has put their family through hell like that and are willing to go down that path again, they don't deserve a family to have. Just my opinion and the way I am going to apply the rule in my life. ZERO TOLERANCE!!!
It amazes me that many of the alcoholics are on probation/paroll and if their P.O. found out they would go to jail. Yet we the spouses, parents, children, etc... let them get away with it and tell them not to do it again. Enabling. One must suffer the consequences to see a change in behavior.
God Bless to you all and Good Luck with the decisions you make in your life.
Remember...you drive your own ship!
The post above says ^^^^^ but I have a big problem with this. My husband's drinking was not only HIS problem. It has cost ME financially and emoationaly. It has damaged OUR DAUGHTERS lives. I think this is why I am having a hard time with the rage I feel. It did not only affect him. This is why I will never be with him if he is drinking in moderation or any drinking at all. It would take one sip for me to tell him to walk, and never look back. An alcoholic cannot drink in moderation, it does not work. Just like an alcoholic, I have hit my bottom. I WILL NOT put up with one more second of his addiction affecting MY life or the life of OUR DAUGHTERS. If one person has put their family through hell like that and are willing to go down that path again, they don't deserve a family to have. Just my opinion and the way I am going to apply the rule in my life. ZERO TOLERANCE!!!
It amazes me that many of the alcoholics are on probation/paroll and if their P.O. found out they would go to jail. Yet we the spouses, parents, children, etc... let them get away with it and tell them not to do it again. Enabling. One must suffer the consequences to see a change in behavior.
God Bless to you all and Good Luck with the decisions you make in your life.
Remember...you drive your own ship!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi silkspin-
AA takes the position (as far as i understand) that some people have an allergy and an obsession with drink.
that means that no matter how much a normal drinker drank, they would not become an alcoholic. because an alcoholic's body reacts differently to alcohol than a normal drinker. and they have a mental obsession with it eventually.
so, what you are saying is that you feel your husband is an alcoholic due to past experience with him and drinking. he gave up for a period and now he thinks he can "control his drinking" like a normal drinker.
this is part of denial and typical for an alcoholic.
what AA would say (at least my meeting) to such a person would be for them to go out and try to control their drinking and that they are welcomed back. they wouldn't try to convince the person otherwise.
i feel (having walked a mile in your shoes) that alcoholics can not turn into normal drinkers. your man obviously feels he can.
i feel that it is very important for you to trust your intuition. from what i read between the lines, you feel that trouble is around the bend.
it's a good time to perhaps put some work into figuring out what your boundaries are as he's actively drinking now.
AA takes the position (as far as i understand) that some people have an allergy and an obsession with drink.
that means that no matter how much a normal drinker drank, they would not become an alcoholic. because an alcoholic's body reacts differently to alcohol than a normal drinker. and they have a mental obsession with it eventually.
so, what you are saying is that you feel your husband is an alcoholic due to past experience with him and drinking. he gave up for a period and now he thinks he can "control his drinking" like a normal drinker.
this is part of denial and typical for an alcoholic.
what AA would say (at least my meeting) to such a person would be for them to go out and try to control their drinking and that they are welcomed back. they wouldn't try to convince the person otherwise.
i feel (having walked a mile in your shoes) that alcoholics can not turn into normal drinkers. your man obviously feels he can.
i feel that it is very important for you to trust your intuition. from what i read between the lines, you feel that trouble is around the bend.
it's a good time to perhaps put some work into figuring out what your boundaries are as he's actively drinking now.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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My opinion, for what it's worth - alcoholism has different stages, but is progressive. What some may term "problem drinking" could just be an earlier stage of alcoholism.
Bottom line, if drinking is impacting someone's life in a negative way, continuing to drink is a sign of a problem. In other words, if drinking isn't a problem, then not drinking shouldn't be a problem -lots of people don't drink alcohol. If someone has a problem not drinking, then they have a drinking problem, and the labels don't matter.
I am one of those people for whom drinking was a problem. For years I could drink on several occasions in a "normal" way but then I would overdo it and regret what I did. It took me a long time to come to grasp with the fact that quitting was the only option for me. Looking back on it 7 years after quitting, I should have stopped many years earlier.
Good luck.
Bottom line, if drinking is impacting someone's life in a negative way, continuing to drink is a sign of a problem. In other words, if drinking isn't a problem, then not drinking shouldn't be a problem -lots of people don't drink alcohol. If someone has a problem not drinking, then they have a drinking problem, and the labels don't matter.
I am one of those people for whom drinking was a problem. For years I could drink on several occasions in a "normal" way but then I would overdo it and regret what I did. It took me a long time to come to grasp with the fact that quitting was the only option for me. Looking back on it 7 years after quitting, I should have stopped many years earlier.
Good luck.
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learn, you are right. I am very talkative/opinionated (the codie in me) and afterwards I felt I should have said even less. But I am proud of my baby steps, that I did keep it short, and he said he wanted to talk about it so I didn't want to just dismiss but keep communication up. But if there is a next time, and I guess there will be, I will simply say it's none of my business what he did because I do know that by engaging me he is trying to soothe his own guilt about it.
Trapeze, you are on the mark. We are still young, and lots of social activity around us involves drinking. My AH has always been a social guy, and he has built his social persona with alcohol as a buffer. Many, many times he has said to me that it was like a best friend that he's lost, and that he cannot imagine being out on a patio on a hot day, or at a bbq and can never drink. His associations are so strong that all of those things simply cannot occur without a drink. We've also talked many times about how going to AA and getting other support could make him feel differently about those occasions, because now he is simply abstaining rather than changing his mindset and approach. But I guess he just can't see beyond it, and there's nothing I can do. I can meditate to my HP that he finds his way, and that drinking again may show him that he really can't control it and maybe reach out to someone. I am going to get a babysitter next Friday and we'll go to the couples AA/ Al anon meeting (he actually says it makes him feel better - go figure) and of course I go regularly to my own meetings.
I am quite torn up about this and coping as best I can. I was prepared to leave him before he got sober which prompted sobriety, and I can be prepared to leave again. I'm not worried about finances or employment, both aren't an issue for me, but I don't want to break up my family unit unless I really see immediate deterioration and unwillingness to seek help. Today is not that day, maybe it will be tomorrow. The first time I asked him to leave, it came very naturally and without me forcing a solution. But all of you are right - I really need to set and enforce my boundaries, or else I may end up like the proverbial frog in boiling water. This is my challenge right now. I appreciate everyone's input and guidance, it really helps.
Trapeze, you are on the mark. We are still young, and lots of social activity around us involves drinking. My AH has always been a social guy, and he has built his social persona with alcohol as a buffer. Many, many times he has said to me that it was like a best friend that he's lost, and that he cannot imagine being out on a patio on a hot day, or at a bbq and can never drink. His associations are so strong that all of those things simply cannot occur without a drink. We've also talked many times about how going to AA and getting other support could make him feel differently about those occasions, because now he is simply abstaining rather than changing his mindset and approach. But I guess he just can't see beyond it, and there's nothing I can do. I can meditate to my HP that he finds his way, and that drinking again may show him that he really can't control it and maybe reach out to someone. I am going to get a babysitter next Friday and we'll go to the couples AA/ Al anon meeting (he actually says it makes him feel better - go figure) and of course I go regularly to my own meetings.
I am quite torn up about this and coping as best I can. I was prepared to leave him before he got sober which prompted sobriety, and I can be prepared to leave again. I'm not worried about finances or employment, both aren't an issue for me, but I don't want to break up my family unit unless I really see immediate deterioration and unwillingness to seek help. Today is not that day, maybe it will be tomorrow. The first time I asked him to leave, it came very naturally and without me forcing a solution. But all of you are right - I really need to set and enforce my boundaries, or else I may end up like the proverbial frog in boiling water. This is my challenge right now. I appreciate everyone's input and guidance, it really helps.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
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As a recovering alcoholic I found that there is no "normal" anything really and so much focus is on labels and classifying without getting to the meat of things.
I never grew up around alcohol, had a dependence on booze or anything until I was hitting my upper 20s. I was your average social drinker who had a few and knew when to cut it off and never ever drank at home.
Years later I hit very difficult points in my life and I wanted to deal and cope and leaned on booze like a crutch....didn't take long before my life had ceased to exist and I was in a hole of depression.
Point is that I know I am an alcoholic. I had crossed some line long ago and I can never drink again the way I once did. I know have an emotional/mental attachment to it. I tried boozing after quitting before and at first it was recreational but not long after I was right back at it.
It is not the frequency or amount as much as the reason why we drink. Good days use booze for celebration, arguments use booze to chill out and other days use booze to unwind. Question here is why can't the person drink with out moderating or controlling? What are the consequences of drinking? A few at a pub with friends or an all night out of control bash fest with leftover feelings of regret and sadness.
I don't know your situation but if he had negative consequences the affected your relationship prior to then why in the world would he go near the stuff again? Sounds quite unhealthy to me.
You have every right to question and protect yourself. All the best.
I never grew up around alcohol, had a dependence on booze or anything until I was hitting my upper 20s. I was your average social drinker who had a few and knew when to cut it off and never ever drank at home.
Years later I hit very difficult points in my life and I wanted to deal and cope and leaned on booze like a crutch....didn't take long before my life had ceased to exist and I was in a hole of depression.
Point is that I know I am an alcoholic. I had crossed some line long ago and I can never drink again the way I once did. I know have an emotional/mental attachment to it. I tried boozing after quitting before and at first it was recreational but not long after I was right back at it.
It is not the frequency or amount as much as the reason why we drink. Good days use booze for celebration, arguments use booze to chill out and other days use booze to unwind. Question here is why can't the person drink with out moderating or controlling? What are the consequences of drinking? A few at a pub with friends or an all night out of control bash fest with leftover feelings of regret and sadness.
I don't know your situation but if he had negative consequences the affected your relationship prior to then why in the world would he go near the stuff again? Sounds quite unhealthy to me.
You have every right to question and protect yourself. All the best.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You have my sympathy, Silk,
You are in a tough spot. It's a lot easier to walk away when you don't have a child.
Keep taking good care of yourself and your daughter. He will find his way, or not. Some people "wake up" rather quickly after a relapse, and others never do. Sadly, we don't have a crystal ball to know which it will be.
You are in a tough spot. It's a lot easier to walk away when you don't have a child.
Keep taking good care of yourself and your daughter. He will find his way, or not. Some people "wake up" rather quickly after a relapse, and others never do. Sadly, we don't have a crystal ball to know which it will be.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
silk
This is a progressive disease. In my early days I could stop at 3 or 4 but at some point those days would become less and my 'control' would become something more difficult to achieve. It is not all or nothing early on for some.
I would ask you not to bug him about going to AA as much but to maybe ask him questions about his drinking like,, did you plan to drink that much? Aren't you playing with your life and others drinking and driving etc...You aren't 'attacking' him allowing him to maybe look at his actions.
I've been him and I've been in your spot. Only he can decide to get help and say he has a problem.
AG
This is a progressive disease. In my early days I could stop at 3 or 4 but at some point those days would become less and my 'control' would become something more difficult to achieve. It is not all or nothing early on for some.
I would ask you not to bug him about going to AA as much but to maybe ask him questions about his drinking like,, did you plan to drink that much? Aren't you playing with your life and others drinking and driving etc...You aren't 'attacking' him allowing him to maybe look at his actions.
I've been him and I've been in your spot. Only he can decide to get help and say he has a problem.
AG
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: ACT
Posts: 17
I feel for you silk, terrible situation to be in....again.
Have you still got your Al-Anon sponsor? Maybe some support from an understanding person would ease your stress a little.
Best of luck, I hope he comes to his senses.
Have you still got your Al-Anon sponsor? Maybe some support from an understanding person would ease your stress a little.
Best of luck, I hope he comes to his senses.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Thank you to everyone for support. Scooter, I have a terrific sponsor and she has been very helpful for me thus far. She is on vacation until next week but I have my regular meeting coming up Wednesday where I'll have an opportunity to talk with some other friends whose numbers I don't yet have.
Kim, your story is just about identical to his. He was just like everyone else, and then something changed (or else it was always there but not noticeable). But after deciding to move cities and he found a dream job, he got wasted that night. Bizarre to me - and afterwards he told me he did as you - drink to celebrate, drink to forget, drink to unwind, the drink was for every occasion.
Why has he started again? For all the learning and progress he has made (he did attend AA for 6 months and still attends the couples meeting) he has not made peace with the fact that he can never be a social drinker. He wonders why he can't be like everyone else. So instead of facing this head on and pushing through, he's buried his head in the hand and stagnates in this limbo. He started playing softball where everyone will have a drink after the game, and his feelings of standing out/feeling left out are so strong that he can't say no. He admits that things were out of hand before and he caused a lot of pain with previous drinking - I think that he wishes so badly he can be 'normal' that he's trying to be that way, and after a few moderate attempts and 2 very drunk incidents, I'm wondering if he's clueing in that it just ain't going to work. I think he feels he wouldn't let it get to that level as before and has trouble seeing that by doing it he may cause this to happen regardless of his best intentions. I know that he struggles with it but it's tiring to watch him tread water. It's like avoiding the doctor because you know you may hear something you don't want to. It's just frustrating because I feel that as a couple the gap is hard to bridge. My sponsor tells me to just give the 'couple' thing a break and focus only on me and my changes, and things will change so much for me that I will start to view him and his situation differently. This is what I'm trying to do.
Kim, your story is just about identical to his. He was just like everyone else, and then something changed (or else it was always there but not noticeable). But after deciding to move cities and he found a dream job, he got wasted that night. Bizarre to me - and afterwards he told me he did as you - drink to celebrate, drink to forget, drink to unwind, the drink was for every occasion.
Why has he started again? For all the learning and progress he has made (he did attend AA for 6 months and still attends the couples meeting) he has not made peace with the fact that he can never be a social drinker. He wonders why he can't be like everyone else. So instead of facing this head on and pushing through, he's buried his head in the hand and stagnates in this limbo. He started playing softball where everyone will have a drink after the game, and his feelings of standing out/feeling left out are so strong that he can't say no. He admits that things were out of hand before and he caused a lot of pain with previous drinking - I think that he wishes so badly he can be 'normal' that he's trying to be that way, and after a few moderate attempts and 2 very drunk incidents, I'm wondering if he's clueing in that it just ain't going to work. I think he feels he wouldn't let it get to that level as before and has trouble seeing that by doing it he may cause this to happen regardless of his best intentions. I know that he struggles with it but it's tiring to watch him tread water. It's like avoiding the doctor because you know you may hear something you don't want to. It's just frustrating because I feel that as a couple the gap is hard to bridge. My sponsor tells me to just give the 'couple' thing a break and focus only on me and my changes, and things will change so much for me that I will start to view him and his situation differently. This is what I'm trying to do.
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