Guidance please

Old 07-19-2010, 04:48 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Guidance please

Hi All,
Well I am here at this place. I believe my husband has an alcohol problem but of course, he doesn't. It may not be the worst, he ddrinkks on Friday nights about 10 beers-he would agree with only nine. HKe comes up with his own plans for changing the Frida;y night routine, and I always readily agree and get set to support his efforts, except at the 11th hour the plans change back. He also smokes pot. He is on the couch all weekend. I have had to hire a housekeeper to have the house kept up becuasse I have neuro disease and need his help.

his Dad died in his early 60's of esophogeal cancer from alscholo and smoking and he has the alcohol gene on both sides of his family.

Quite simply I miss my spouse. I miss seeing him out in the garden...we had athe best looking yard on the street.

He will not allow me to go to Al Anon because he is too embarrassed and ashamed. If he doesn't think he has a problem I don't understand why. He has also never tried to put any restrictions about where I go. I went to AlAnon twice but I can't fight him on it.

I am puzzled, very concerned for him and sick over this . It is very e asy for me to spend the entire day in bed on saturday! Not good.

Some support and guidance thats what I am looking for
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Old 07-19-2010, 05:05 PM
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Having an alcoholic father qualifies you for al-anon, perhaps he would accept that?

Your husband's alcohol use is troubling you whether or not he is an alcoholic, so the fact that it is a problem for you is real whether he agrees or not. Not helping around the house anymore to the extent that you must hire someone to accomodate his drug use is pretty telling. And it sounds like you are getting depressed. And no wonder!

I am glad you have found SR, you will find alot of wisdom and support!
We will help you honor your needs and wants! That isn't selfish, that is self-care and it is important.

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Old 07-19-2010, 05:38 PM
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He will not allow you?? He isn't your father, he is your husband and he has no right to tell you where you can and cannot go. If you want to go to Al-anon, then go to Al-anon. While you cannot control his drinking or pot smoking, you can control what you will and will not put up with.
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Old 07-19-2010, 06:09 PM
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Say what! He won't let you go to meetings. Nah Nah, he does not own you.

Read Codependent No More, it will open your eyes to the dynamics of your marriage.

Keep posting , read the stickys, it will help you.
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Old 07-19-2010, 06:16 PM
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Of course I agree with the above advice! However, sometimes it helps to pick and schedule our battles.
Best wishes!
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Old 07-20-2010, 07:39 AM
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Oh No Puppy

Are you afraid? what is the consequence if you don't listen?

It sounds like the alcohol and pot are just symptoms of a bigger problem.

In a relationship without self medication - it's talked about, maybe see a counselor, whatever.

But when you add drugs/alcohol - reason - goes out the window.

You are no longer dealing with a person who is thinking clearly, obviously.

But you need to be clear - keep reading, learning and growing so you have the tools to help you make choices that are good for YOU.

Stay strong & keep posting
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Old 07-20-2010, 08:39 AM
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I am so glad that the demands of the alcoholic drug addict are keeping you from getting the help you need in dealing with the alcoholic drug addict (sarcasm).
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Old 07-20-2010, 09:04 AM
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Sound like the husband is a bit of a control freak - you're concerned about his drinking, that enough for you to go to alanon, if you want. His embarresment is his problem.

Also, the 10 beers vs. 9 beers thing is so familiar to me - I had to learn to back off completly from a discussion like that because it led myself frustrated. Good luck and stay strong!
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Old 07-20-2010, 09:13 AM
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Welcome to our SR family - hate so much that your life is affected by this awful disease.

It sounds like attending face to face meetings is not an option at this time but don't give up hope - things change - maybe someday soon you will be able to.

But until that time - there are other things that are available for someone seeking help in dealing with this disease.

You can keep reading here - listening, learning, posting, writing - This is a great place for support, suggestions (the things we say here are just suggestions - not advice or demands - you have to walk your own path - follow what your Higher Power leads you to do in your life)
Read some recovery literature - I prefer How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, the Co-Dependent no More books, etc.
and also - lots of self-care - learning to do what is healthy, wise, safe and recovery oriented for YOU

It takes time for us to change our lives - but if we want something different, we have to be willing to DO something different -

Remember, my new friend - you are worth it!

Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - YOU Deserve THEM!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)

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