HHTexas

UGH. AH and I - together for 8 years, married for 3. No kids but I was starting to have thoughts that direction. He's been in and out of treatment. Most recently, he checked himself in (his idea) and was clean about 6 months. Has since relapsed and had periods of drinking/not drinking. I was about to hit Alanon really hard and go all in... even in a good place about coming home and finding him drunk.

Yesterday, I get home and opened a new browser window on his laptop. On the newest IE, you get screen shots from the last 6 sites visited when you do this. One of those sites was mingle.com. Of course, I looked at it. He was already logged in. He had a profile of being "never married", 4 years younger than he actually is (LOL - 33 vs 29, who cares???!), and a short blurb about "looking to add some spice to his day." Messaging has ensued with several girls, fairly benign, interestingly enough (do you watch this tv show, how are you, etc). However, one message was something to the effect of her "wrapping her legs around me." PRETTY CLEAR on that one.

He's passed out asleep at this point. I leave my wedding band on his laptop, pack up the dog and leave for my mom's. Of course he calls/texts, etc trying to come up with plausible excuses (i.e. "just like facebook", "I was giving them relationship advice" - ha that one's funny - "I never actually did anything", "they kept sending me spam (he thought I had seen his email)", and my favorite "someone hacked into my account and wrote that".

Needless to say, my head is spinning. I'm absolutely devistating. Never thought he would cheat on me. Never has to my knowledge. He's always been devoted (I thought) despite all of the alcoholic issues. I can't sleep. Can't eat. Feel like I can barely breathe..... He's my best friend.

Learn2Live

I am sorry this is happening in your relationship, HHTexas. What you describe sounds like infidelity to me, no matter what his excuses. Leaving your wedding band and walking away like that took a lot of courage, I am sure. But did you do it for effect or did you mean it? I recommend strongly that you get to Al-Anon.

CatsPajamas

Doggone it, that is a really nasty thing to find on the computer. When I first left, I needed some time to clear my head. I got myself to some Al Anon meetings. I lived in Texas for many years and I'm happy to tell you that there are a LOT of really good meetings all over the place. I didn't talk to my A for awhile, no texts, no emails, no phone calls etc. I needed to give myself time to quit REacting and just be able to have some clear thoughts and then make some decisions about how I wanted to live. I learned a lot about setting and maintaining boundaries. There are some good stickies in the forums about that. It helped me to identify what was and was not acceptable in my life. He could continue to make his own choices and experience his own consequences.

I hope you're able to come out strong from this, regardless of what he does.

Hugs
Cats

HHTexas

As for leaving the rings, I'm ambivelant. I wanted him to hurt like he has hurt me. Not realistic, I know.

Yet, I have thought A LOT about walking away, especially after this last relapse. When he went into treatment in January, I was very guarded. Then, of course, I get sober Dr. Jekyll for the last few months and it reminded me how it could be. Mr. Hyde has since moved in.

seekingcalm

You did a very brave thing. I found the same type of thing on my EXH computer, and when confronted, heard the same answers. I had small children at the time, so I believed, and I stayed, and 12 years later, found out that it had continued through all those years. And he was not an A, but he was never there for me the way a husband should be. It hurts, but you will get better. Alanon is a great place to learn that we cannot control anyone else's behavior. And addiction to cyber relationships is a real addiction too. People can be whomever they want to be, without anyone really knowing them. It's sad, but it happens a lot more than we think. I have learned to let go of what I can't control, and take care of myself. And I wish the same for you. Your bold move speaks volumes about your strength, and I hope that you trust that it will serve you well on your journey to real happiness.

ChrrisT

Hi Texas
It hurts - to trust and be deceived. To give love and have it be stomp on over and over.
I could never understand why my RAH was so bad a hiding things. Then I realized he wasn't even trying to hide - he just needed an excuse to drink.

The sadness and frustration of constantly trying to make sense of it all." But he said he loves me - but he said he never would again - but he promised this... Things were so great... WHY!!!??? on and on. And then relapse and then honeymoon, then relapse and then hone... well you knw the pattern.

BUT - then - when we are ready to accept it - it comes to us...

The realization that IT can NEVER make sense. It is completely senseless.
And it is time to stop this rollercoaster - I am getting off, thank you very much. And what that entails is up to you, whether it's emotionally or physically or both, you have to decide.

IMO
all the other things that alcoholics do (mine was porn and gambling and a few others) are a symptoms of their disease. With the desire to be well and gaining real peace of mind they may go away.

That being said - the pain and heartbreak it causes is totally unacceptable.

Whether we are in a relationships with an alcoholic or a "normie" (what ever normal is, I have no idea) having or the intent to have a relationship with someone else would (mostly) not be tolerated. Forget the excuses and the justifications and the down right lies. Listen to your gut, it's smarter than you think.
Ask yourself - How much will I tolerate? and maybe - What am I afraid of?
Be strong and draw the line (with a Sharpie).
We are here for you!!
ChrrisT

nodaybut2day

Hi HHTexas...I'm so sorry you had to find out about your AH's infidelity the way you did...but then again, come to think of it, there's no "good" way to find out about infidelity. The only "good" thing about this is that it helped you take that final step towards leaving someone who seemed like (from reading your post) wasn't a very good partner to begin with.

As for me, I found another woman's underwear when I went snooping through XAH's keepsakes' box to locate and destroy the videotapes and photos he had of me/us in intimate situations. So, shame on me for snooping, but then, who keeps such damning evidence in one's keepsakes box?!

By then though, I was already in the process of leaving so it just helped confirm that I was making the right choice. It also helped rid me of any kind of remorse I was experiencing for XAH's sake. There was no pity left in me for him after finding those undies. He'd been sleeping with me, unprotected of course, all that time and who knows who else he was with at the same time. Yuck.

9 months, a clean STD/HIV panel and a divorce later, I'm feeling much better thank you very much You'll get there too. In the meantime, keep coming back to SR!

lulu1974

Oh Texas..I am so sorry to hear this. I have been in your shoes. I dont care to remember it that well but I remember the shock, the pain and begging God to not let itt be true. But this is reality. Now you know. What else is there to do with your new found knowledge but to take care of you. Take some time to let this digest as it is a mouthful when discovered. You will love again and you will be loved again by the right person. You can do this my friend. Baby steps. The pain does subside. It will get easier. I hate hearing of others going through this and I am so very sorry to hear it happened to you as well. Take care of yourself

Hugs
Lulu

dollydo

No dear, you may be his best friend, but, he is not your best friend.

Bottom line, he is lying to you, he is at least cheating in his heart.

Try to go to, some meetings, they may help.

Hammerhead

Ditto.

Pain really.... really sucks. The brighter side is that you found out now... before you had children with him... that may not make you feel any better... but it is a good thing that you found out.

SR is a wonderful place with many folks that have been exactly where you are and understand your pain, confusion and frustration.

The characteristics he is exhibiting are that of a liar and a drunk... neither are best friend material.

Remember love is a two way street.

(hugs)

Tally

Ah the online cheating. I remember it well. My exA did it to me 30+ times and they're just the ones I caught him with.

The first time it hit me like someone had just punched me in the stomach really, really hard. I felt a bit sick, confused and I cried the hardest I've ever cried in my life...for hours...inconsolable. The second time was pretty bad too. I think after the 10th or 11th time I stopped being upset and just got angry. By the 25th I was near enough numb. By the end I didn't care.

In between the 1st and the 30th time I went crazy checking up on him. The trust was COMPLETELY gone. I checked his history religiously. I installed keyloggers to get his passwords so I could check his emails and private messages on social sites. I installed IM loggers so I could read his chats.
Even though he swore he wasn't doing it anymore, I knew that he was. So I searched to validate my feelings and prove I was right and that he couldn't be trusted. Each time he would try and cover his tracks more but he would always slip up or I'd have a keylogger watching him and he didn't know. Soon as he went to bed I would check the logs.

Some days I would actually be disappointed because I couldn't find anything and I thought he was acting suspiciously. How nuts is that!?
It got so bad, my attempt at controlling his online activity, that I stopped leaving the house, knowing soon as my back was turned he would be at it...the online cheating or the online porn. I felt panic when I had to go out to places like the shops or the doctors. I stopped visiting friends and even my parents. After a while the anxiety got so bad that I started unplugging the modem and taking it out with me, just so I wouldn't be anxious whilst I was out or asleep. I went absolutely nuts. The lack of trust just kills a relationship. Not only the lack of trust, but the lack of respect too.

Alcohol was always used as an excuse and so I justified myself by saying "oh he can't help it, he was drunk" but they can help it, being drunk is not an excuse for cheating.

bookwyrm

This can't be said often enough. XAH moved the OW in weeks after getting his own place when we seperated (met her online too). With distance and work, I realise that she has been the best thing for ME! She was my dealbreaker. He killed the last tiny flame of hope in me for our marriage with her which helped me get the focus back on me. She also meant that he didn't contact me much before the house was sold and the divorce final - thankfully. Didn't stop it hurting like hell at the time but the anger which followed helped stiffen by backbone and do what needed to be done to get him out of my life!

coyote21

I can relate. It's a well documented fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I would like to add that cheating is progressive as well. My axw was caught in many compromising situations throughout the years, I chose to buy her lame cover ups, because it was easier that facing reality. It was VERY hard to wrap my head around the concept of my wife effing someone else. I chose to believe her to protect my own brain from overload.

I left her once for a month over one indiscretion, but realized that my dd and I hadn't done anything wrong and we were the only ones being punished. That's when I decided that waking up under the same roof as dd was more important that my feelings about cheating. My HP delivered me from that untenable situation.

In retrospect, EVER giving them a SECOND chance on cheating is just opening the door for more of the same. If we forgive them once, it gives them a green light. My axw just got more blatant over time. Toward the end she didn't care if I knew and would routinely stay out all night. By then I didn't much care either.

Kinda funny, AFTER out divorce one of my MIL's said how lucky I was that LMC (Little Miss Coyote) looked just like me, 'cause axw had been saying she was down there staying with them, while she stayed somewhere else, almost from the beginning of our marriage. Nice. Gotta love genetics! Ha!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

keepinon

I am with Dollydo.., This is NOT the behavior of a best friend. Nor of ANY friend. Would you seriously put up with 1/2 of this crap from any of you girlfriends? Those excuses were so lame ..does he think you have a lobotomy?..talk about adding insult to injury.. not a freind in my book!

angrywife

I too have been in this awful situation. With mine, it was just one person, thousands of miles away, that he had no real plans of meeting. He used that as his excuse.

Like Tally, I became obsessed with his online activity. He got busted 3 times talking to this girl and the 3rd time, I took my money out of savings to buy him a plane ticket to where she lives. I know that's insane, but I was desperate at the time. He did not get on the plane.

This girl had no clue who she was dealing with. All she knew was what he told her. She could tell him whatever he wanted to hear and stroke his ego. I on the other hand couldn't do that, I've been dealing with his alcoholism for 12 years.

As far as I know, he hasn't contacted her in over 3 months. I've kept myself from obsessing over his actions by applying the principles I've learned in Alanon. I can't control him or his actions, and if he is corresponding with her, I will find out about it when my higher power knows I'm ready to handle it.

ElegantlyWasted

Don't known what to say other than I can relate. My gf's x did the same thing to her; as a result she snoops through my phone and computer when I'm not around. She projects paranoia not my web history when links to email solicitations for dating services show up. She's also paranoid re: any social/professional networking websites. And she a professional Matchmaker... I have not partaken in net betrayal of her, nor have given her any reL reason to suspect anything. I think my point is that, it's just like a regular affair, and scars. Take care of yourself and figure out what you need to do to heal. Any suggestions re: what to do to help gf get I've her issues would be appreciated as well.