beginner

I am trying to understand myself a bit better and want to speak honestly and wonder if you can give me your views on it.

I think I'm right that partners of alcoholics are often drawn to drama, chaos and conflict. Can you help me to understand why that is?

Eight Ball

Hi Beginner

It would appear that way and it is often said, but I know for me, that all I want is a peaceful life and none of the dramas of chaos. I can honestly say that I would be much happier that way but I choose to stay in an Alcoholic marriage (at this moment in time) and I think its due to much more complicated reasons than just saying I am drawn to or choosing to live in chaos. After 22yrs, and a self-esteem bashing, I love the sober man, I love that we have a life together (although turbulent) we have two daughters together and a history. I am waiting for the sober man to appear, so that we can live our lives out happily ever after. Will it ever happen - I dont think so but I cant be sure, so that keeps me here.

I remember studying once in psychology about time and investing time. I cant remember the exacts but it was something about those who have spent a long time in a queue will unlikely change queues as they have a invested time in one. The longer they stay in the queue the less likely they are to leave, even if another on goes quicker.

My AH was recently sober for between 3-5 months (he says 5 months but I think 3 months) and for the first 3 months it was really, really good. He was happy, I was happy and content.

As I said, I don't know if we alcoholic partners are drawn to drama, chaos or conflict, (I certainly wasn't as we met at 14/15 before alcohol) rather our brains have been rewired and are now a big jumbled mess of cables waiting to be unraveled! Thats how I feel anyway!

URMYEVERYTHING

For me it's not that I was drawn to the drama/chaos but rather entangled in it and finding it difficult to get out. I tried to avoid the drama at all costs. I detached myself and detached but didn't detach hard enough. I had hope that the person I met would go back to him. My exabf went into rehabs, detoxes, appeared to be trying but along was struggling with himself as much as I was struggling with myself being with him. It was a constant tug and pull of emotions.

nodaybut2day

For me, it was the idea that I could CHANGE him, CURE him, make him better, that all he needed was "the love of a good woman", etc etc. I often engaged in relationships, whether romantic or otherwise with "broken" people, because I felt I could help them somehow better themselves.

There's a great deal of toxicity in that: both a self-inflated ego in thinking that I was somehow better than others and powerful enough to effect change in their lives, as well as an unspoken but desperate need to become useful and needed to another individual by helping them. In diving headlong into the drama of another, I could feel good about my worth as a person, and I could easily forget to focus on my own life and accomplishments (or lack thereof) because I was self-importantly busy *saving* others...

The entanglement this produced was massively unhealthy and before I knew it, the chaos was my daily bread and butter. Though I grew tired of it, I was neck deep in it and unable to escape. It took a rather violent break on my part to get me out of the cycle, but I know there's a potential for its reappearance with other people, so I'm highly vigilant of my behaviour.

sirpher

In my case, I am not drawn to drama/chaos and have never liked it (although I have tolerated it for a long time). I also find it difficult to get out of, but with time and changes that I am making, I know I will draw myself out of the drama and chaos.

URMYEVERYTHING

This is more so what I was meaning to say. I have to learn to let go a lot sooner when something unhealthy presents itself.

Like, leaving him the first time he relapsed after 5 years sober.

Well, I live and learn. That was my first addict ever dating and will surely be my last. I learned that lesson real quick!