Love vs addiction?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 33
Love vs addiction?
Went to the beach for the week with my bf (maybe a) I'm not sure anymore. Half the trip was a mess. I told him I thought I was in love with him one morning on the beach at sunrise and he pulled me close, kissed me and said "I'm not far from feeling that in the not so distant future" I was blown away-certain he felt the same. Over the course of the next few days we talked about it somewhat.....Him advising me that he wanted to close one chapter in his life (his divorce finalized) before he started a new chapter and that I was aware of this and he would not be pushed into feeling something or saying something until he was ready, etc.
The whole think left me speechless.....then he went and told his sister-who was there also. And afterwards her and I spoke and she basically told me that for he and I to be together that 2 things had to happen....#1-being he got his divorce (which to get he'd actually have to apply for) and #2-that "She" the married woman he dated from work leave him alone.
So talking to him on the way home I told him what his sister had said and he pretty much was like....well her and I talked, but where she came up with "her leaving me alone" I don't know. My sister and I havent spoken about "her" since November. So I am even more confused now.
We've been together almost 4 mths..and to me that should still be where everyone is on there "good"behavior so to speak....but more and more I am seeing a side of him I don't like so much......problem is he is pretty much now living in my house.......and my son adores him. I've talked to my son, who is 13, several times about the bf maybe not being right for us etc, and everytime my son stands up for him. We are like a couple that has been together for 20 yrs........going through the motions, but I'm not happy now....and I can't see how he can be either.
In the beginning I THOUGHT I was helping him out, he had pretty much no place to stay and was bouncing from home to home, now I feel like I am being a doormat and am really thinking we need to take a break from one another for a bit and see what it is all about.......He's settling in getting comfy-I see that as me being taken for granted....
Is this love or addiction and codependancy all over again????
Thanks for listening....
The whole think left me speechless.....then he went and told his sister-who was there also. And afterwards her and I spoke and she basically told me that for he and I to be together that 2 things had to happen....#1-being he got his divorce (which to get he'd actually have to apply for) and #2-that "She" the married woman he dated from work leave him alone.
So talking to him on the way home I told him what his sister had said and he pretty much was like....well her and I talked, but where she came up with "her leaving me alone" I don't know. My sister and I havent spoken about "her" since November. So I am even more confused now.
We've been together almost 4 mths..and to me that should still be where everyone is on there "good"behavior so to speak....but more and more I am seeing a side of him I don't like so much......problem is he is pretty much now living in my house.......and my son adores him. I've talked to my son, who is 13, several times about the bf maybe not being right for us etc, and everytime my son stands up for him. We are like a couple that has been together for 20 yrs........going through the motions, but I'm not happy now....and I can't see how he can be either.
In the beginning I THOUGHT I was helping him out, he had pretty much no place to stay and was bouncing from home to home, now I feel like I am being a doormat and am really thinking we need to take a break from one another for a bit and see what it is all about.......He's settling in getting comfy-I see that as me being taken for granted....
Is this love or addiction and codependancy all over again????
Thanks for listening....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
He is a married man, that makes him unavailable in my understanding. He is a cheating man..he is cheating on both you and his wife.
I would bet you deserve better in your life especially in the precious vulnerability of romance!
IMO
I would bet you deserve better in your life especially in the precious vulnerability of romance!
IMO
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
If he is in the middle of a divorce it is a bad place to start a relationship with another woman since he still has to heal. Also taking him in may be not such a good idea, he should learn to live alone for a while and get trough his emaotions. It seems like he is just taking advantage of you, but that is my honest maybe biosed opinion. I think you desrve better and can definitly find a man who can take care of you aand make you the focus of his universe 
that's what you should be looking for.
that's what you should be looking for.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's difficult, I know, to get them OUT once they have settled themselves comfortably into your home. Getting myself into this type of situation in the past has taught me that I needed to learn how to establish personal boundaries and gave me the opportunity to practice communicating and enforcing those personal boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I could very well be the wife and u the girlfriend in what you posted. I can tell you from the other side being the wife and all there is a lot you probably dont know that he isnt going to tell you. I just found out my stbxah still hasnt been served and i thought he would be by now. So in all this time he has been dating another woman since march and he hasnt filed. I finally made the decision to do so even though I am not dating anyone in mid June. Being with someone new gave my stbxah the opportunity to start his lieing career over again since I caught on to all the lies he was feeding me. One night he even bragged to me about all the stuff his new girlfriend did not know about his past. I would be so very careful. If I had to make decisions again, I would run from a A...I mean full force run the other way. Being an A and relying on a substance to get one through the day is such a deceitful way to live and anyone surrounded by this lifestyle will be sucked into it to the point where one day they wake up and dont know what hit them. I was the perfect wife...until I saw the truth about him and then I was no longer the perfect wife but the enemy. Be very careful and look out for yourself and your son. I wish you peace and happiness.
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is a married man cheating on his wife with you and another married woman. I would think the red flags would go up. Hello, he is a cheater.
He is using you for a place to stay.
I really don't think discussing your issues with a 13 year old is a good idea. He is a child, you need to make an adult decision, me, I'd ask lover boy to find himself a new place to live.
He is using you for a place to stay.
I really don't think discussing your issues with a 13 year old is a good idea. He is a child, you need to make an adult decision, me, I'd ask lover boy to find himself a new place to live.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
From where I am sitting, it looks like the codependency triangle.
Rescuer:
In the beginning I THOUGHT I was helping him out, he had pretty much no place to stay and was bouncing from home to home
Victim:
I told him I thought I was in love with him one morning on the beach at sunrise and he pulled me close, kissed me and said "I'm not far from feeling that in the not so distant future" I was blown away-certain he felt the same. Over the course of the next few days we talked about it somewhat.....Him advising me that he wanted to close one chapter in his life (his divorce finalized) before he started a new chapter and that I was aware of this and he would not be pushed into feeling something or saying something until he was ready, etc.
The whole think left me speechless.....
Persecutor:
I feel like I am being a doormat and am really thinking we need to take a break from one another for a bit and see what it is all about.......He's settling in getting comfy-I see that as me being taken for granted....
Rescuer:
In the beginning I THOUGHT I was helping him out, he had pretty much no place to stay and was bouncing from home to home
Victim:
I told him I thought I was in love with him one morning on the beach at sunrise and he pulled me close, kissed me and said "I'm not far from feeling that in the not so distant future" I was blown away-certain he felt the same. Over the course of the next few days we talked about it somewhat.....Him advising me that he wanted to close one chapter in his life (his divorce finalized) before he started a new chapter and that I was aware of this and he would not be pushed into feeling something or saying something until he was ready, etc.
The whole think left me speechless.....
Persecutor:
I feel like I am being a doormat and am really thinking we need to take a break from one another for a bit and see what it is all about.......He's settling in getting comfy-I see that as me being taken for granted....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Palatine IL
Posts: 57
"He's settling in getting comfy-I see that as me being taken for granted....
Is this love or addiction and codependancy all over again????"
I think you answered the question in the sentance before the question. If you feel that you are being taken for granted, you probably are and it is codependency all over again.
Also, as a reality check, he is not in the middle of a divorce, because he hasn't applied for one yet.
Is this love or addiction and codependancy all over again????"
I think you answered the question in the sentance before the question. If you feel that you are being taken for granted, you probably are and it is codependency all over again.
Also, as a reality check, he is not in the middle of a divorce, because he hasn't applied for one yet.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Having re-read your prior posts, I'm slightly confused why you're involved with this man.
"I told him I thought I was in love with him."
You have a choice right now, and you can choose to fall in love with him, or you can choose to walk away. You've been in it for four months, and you aren't entirely invested. I see nothing but pain and suffering to follow the course of this relationship.
I ignored red flags for over a year - I wish I'd of made the choice sooner. It only gets harder the more time that passes. He's not giving you what you deserve... and he "has feelings" for a married woman.
Why do you stay?
"I told him I thought I was in love with him."
You have a choice right now, and you can choose to fall in love with him, or you can choose to walk away. You've been in it for four months, and you aren't entirely invested. I see nothing but pain and suffering to follow the course of this relationship.
I ignored red flags for over a year - I wish I'd of made the choice sooner. It only gets harder the more time that passes. He's not giving you what you deserve... and he "has feelings" for a married woman.
Why do you stay?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Part of my problem was that I didn't know what "love" was. The relationship that I had with my XAH was not love. And it sounds like the one you are in is not love. My relationship was textbook addiction and codependency. I knew what I needed to do long before I finally took action.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
He is married and has not even filed for divorce.
He may be an alcoholic.
He cheats and he dates married woman.
You don't even have to guess where he's at in this relationship. He's been honest and upfront with you. He's not ready for a new chapter (you) until his last chapter is closed - and he isn't anywhere close to closing that. What is he doing now, with you, then?
You've been with him for only four months and he's pretty much living with you.
Your 13yo is involved at just 4mos into a relationship. At 4mos you should maybe just now be deciding if the 13yo should meet him. 13yo's are not equipped to date.
You are unhappy and feeling like a doormat. I don't blame you. You are thinking you need to take a break for a bit. I could not agree more.
I would respectfully suggest that you dive into working on yourself. Those are some massive red flags you shared with us. You deserve so much more then what this relationship is offering you and you are letting things happen that can bring you and your son so much heartache. This is something you can control.
He may be an alcoholic.
He cheats and he dates married woman.
You don't even have to guess where he's at in this relationship. He's been honest and upfront with you. He's not ready for a new chapter (you) until his last chapter is closed - and he isn't anywhere close to closing that. What is he doing now, with you, then?
You've been with him for only four months and he's pretty much living with you.
Your 13yo is involved at just 4mos into a relationship. At 4mos you should maybe just now be deciding if the 13yo should meet him. 13yo's are not equipped to date.
You are unhappy and feeling like a doormat. I don't blame you. You are thinking you need to take a break for a bit. I could not agree more.
I would respectfully suggest that you dive into working on yourself. Those are some massive red flags you shared with us. You deserve so much more then what this relationship is offering you and you are letting things happen that can bring you and your son so much heartache. This is something you can control.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Yes, yes and yes....... I was in a similar situation. I didn't realize him moving in with me was because he was on the outs with the guy he was living with and needed a place to stay. i thought it was the "relationship" we had, but in hindsight, it was toooooo early. As for you, you've known him and dated him for 4 months, he's not divorced, there's possibly another woman and he has the world by the a$$. Don't allow your 13 yr old son to manipulate you anymore than this man is. If he is an addict, he will do and say anything to get what he wants, when he wants it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by 12stepnchick 
In the beginning I THOUGHT I was helping him out, he had pretty much no place to stay and was bouncing from home to home
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Thumper
Your 13yo is involved at just 4mos into a relationship. At 4mos you should maybe just now be deciding if the 13yo should meet him. 13yo's are not equipped to date.
I'm a GUY, and for crying out loud I'd NEVER bring someone around my daughter till I was pretty damned sure.
Thanks Thumper, I was beginning to think I was the only one!
When I used to make noise about axw's 21yo married cousin "dating" while her soldier husband was in Iraq trying not to get his a$$ shot off, I was told to "grow up". Pfft.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Sun Tsu, "Know yourself and know your enemy: you will never loose a battle"
"to take a break" re-evaluate, process it emotionally and figure out what you want. Have a hunch it won't be him.
The sister saying "she needs to leave him alone" is scary. He is capable of saying "leave me alone".
To me shacking is great; but it only really seems to work when two people are committed and have professed the L word to eachother.
"to take a break" re-evaluate, process it emotionally and figure out what you want. Have a hunch it won't be him.
The sister saying "she needs to leave him alone" is scary. He is capable of saying "leave me alone".
To me shacking is great; but it only really seems to work when two people are committed and have professed the L word to eachother.
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