gonecrazy

My A is furious with me and I feel that I did nothing wrong. I know this is his issue to deal with and not mine, but I have a hard time remembering not to take on guilt that is not my own.

First of all this morning he spoke very harshly to me telling me to F--- off, shut the F up and to get the F out of the house all because he is frustrated with the fact that he was asked to drive our son to my mother's house so she could watch him for the day while I went to college and my husband "looked for a job".

I am going to school full time, my husband has been laid off recently and I have been picking up work that has been available to me to help make ends meet. On top of that, I do my best to keep the house functioning and in order.

All he had to do today was take our boy to my mom's. He had no place to be, no time frame it really wasn't a big deal for him to take him. He just made it an issue because he was annoyed this morning.

I went to school, picked our son up, and called a builder I get business from to make arrangements to pick up a key to a home he wants me to clean. When I got there we started to shoot the breeze for awhile, had a cup of coffee, watched my son run around the place, talked about business etc. then I went home (it did take 2 hrs).

When I get home, my house is dark, my husband in bed and he tells me that he did NOTHING today. I didn't say anything, but then he asked me if I was going to cook him dinner. Offended because I feel unappreciated already, disrespected because of how he spoke to me earlier, and annoyed that he waited all day for me to come home to cook for him when he couldn't even empty the garbage, I said "no, are you?" He said "no" then asked where I was all day. I explained what I did and that started a whole big mess. I would have been better off lying, but I figured it was no big deal I wasn't doing anything wrong and I don't have anything to hide. He is mad because he knows that the guy is attracted to me, but he is married and I have no interest. To me it is business. PS My husband's past with fidelity is an ugly record, so I can understand why he can create ideas and be jealous. He feels that I put him on the back burner and last on my list. WA WA WA. I've been there so many times it's not even funny. Now, I'm just learning to take care of myself and not live in fear of what he thinks or how he responds, but its hard sometimes. He says I owe him an apology, but doesn't believe he owes me one for how he spoke to me. I explained to him that "to be honest I really wasn't in a hurry to get home because of the last words that were spoken to me....why would I want to rush home to be treated with disrespect?" He doesn't see it that way. In his eyes I cheated on him or something. (I never have by the way) He said that he is leaving me in January, so I can get through this semester at school, but this is the icing on the cake. Then he left. Probably for the evening. Don't know where he would go. He's been sober for a little over a year. I think he turned this into a much bigger issue than it really is or needs to be. This is really rediculous.

My thoughts normally if he would leave.....where did he go? what is he doing? Is he going to use? Is he going to comit suicide? Is he going to hurt me? Will he come back? when? will he get over this? did he mean what he said? etc......

My thoughts now.... Who cares, its his issue, its his problem, I'm here to talk calmly if he would like, but I don't have to live in constant worry or confusion. I just have to take care of me.

Thanks for listening
Diane

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere."

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Diane.

I'm just curious as to how he thinks staying around until January irritating the snot out of you, being a drain on your energy and not contributing to the household either in funds or in chores is going to help you get through the semester?

I don't suppose you could talk him into counseling? That off the wall crap is infuriating, but when you get past that... imagine what it must feel like to him inside to be that thorny on the outside. I know, I know. He's not stopping to think what it's like living in your skin, either.

Think you can stand it until January?

Hugs,
Smoke

gonecrazy

I really don't know how he thinks. Most of the time he doesn't seem very rational to me. I think it is obvious that he has an issue with jealousy, yet he states that he could really care less.

"Then why is it an issue?"

I think I can stand it. I've been through worse. I would like things to work out in the long run.

Daffodil

gonecrazy.

Question: How bad does it have to get before you need changes??? Sometimes I play "IT AIN"T THAT BAD YET? Which is really insane when I hold my life up and think about that question.

Only you can anwser the question so in the meantime
Consider yourself Hugged....

Remembering this one liner, really helps me, JUST BECAUSE HE/THEY SAY IT, DOESN't MAKE IT SO!

Gos Bless!

LettingGo

Did you say he is sober? Are you sure? I had many of the same issues with my A but he was an active meth addict at the time. Hmmmm....

gonecrazy

Yes, he is sober. August 29th was a year. As far as it being bad or not. This is the issue that came up recently and was fresh. I just had to vent. Other than that we have been getting along pretty good I think because of both of our programs. He is also bipolar, so some things may be exageratted in his head.
As for me, I'm just living one day at a time, and yesterday was one day that I had to vent and evaluate....today is a new day for me to live and evaluate!

Thanks to all who respond! Feedback is great!

TinyOne

Leave it to me to see this all in a different light. I don't know what all has contributed to the breakup in January so my comments are just for what I read.

If he's been sober for over a year is it really right to refer to him as 'my A' in the first line and then casually mention his sobriety almost all the way down the page? I had all this sympathy (at first) for someone dealing with the flashes of anger of an alcoholic but re-reading it it seems like you are treating him like he's a drunk when he isn't one.

Are you being as understanding as you could be to a man that just lost his job? It's a big ego bust and some men have a very hard time dealing with it. And you're 'telling' him what to do, not asking? It's possible he was looking for work today, couldn't find any, and certainly wouldn't admit it to someone that was out 2 hours late without a phone call.

You mentioned that your husband knows this guy is attracted to you. What you did was wrong and disrespectful!! I don't care if you're not interested, your husband knows how men think and this poor guy was USED to **** off your husband. Yes, you were discussing 'business' but you knew the guy liked you, you secretly got off on it, and you came home hours late without calling. The idea is to treat others like you want to be treated. 'He treated me bad so I'm going to do the same thing' Wah, wah, wah. And then you try to say it's 'looking out for myself'. No, it isn't. It's sinking to his level.

I think you both need therapy on how to deal with each as human beings. I feel sorry for your kid, regardless of who gets custody.

gonecrazy

TinyOne,

I thought the point of Alanon is to accept people where they are. This is suposed to be a safe place for me to talk about what I need to talk about at this moment in my life. You made many assumptions that were inaccruate. You do not know the history that my ''A" and I have together. And you do not know me as a person to criticize my character. That is not your job; that is God's job. My recovery is mine, and when I look back to where I was compared to where I am now...I can say I am very happy with who I am. I believe that in Alanon we are only to love others where they are and encourage one another to work the program. You preach do unto others, yet you never said a kind word to me or encourage me in anyway. You judged, critized and put yourself above me.
Yes he is still my "A" reguardless of how long he has been sober. He is still displaying all the behaviors that come with the disease. I didn't come to talk for a pity party nor to be attacked verbally. Your take on things is your take, but you don't know what you are talking about. I'm not even sure if you read the entrie thread, because you said something about me "telling him what to do" which I never mentioned anything of the sort. And for him being laid off...it was expected and we were looking forward to it, so I don't see the ego bust when he wanted the break. As for me being late...I wasn't late I didn't give a time that I would be home and it isn't unusual for me to get home at the time that I did. That wasn't the issue. I did nothing to be vindictive or get off on anything, that is a crude thing to say. It is obvious that you have some therapy that you need also. I never claimed to be perfect. I'm just learning to love myself one day at a time. And as for your attack on my parenting skills...my son is the happiest little boy you could ever meet. My relationship with my husband is a separate issue, so please show a little respect. I hope you can learn to deal with you self-righteous attitude.

TinyOne

I prefaced all of my remarks by saying I don't know the whole story.

This is a place where you get differing points of view, not a place where you get unconditional love. You don't even get that from a minister, clergyman, priest or any other religious leader so why do think everyone here should envelop you in a big love hug when they think you are involved in destructive behavior? By the way, this isn't an Al-Anon meeting, it's a website geared toward the Al-Anon teachings.

You don't know how he feels to be unemployed. You're not an unemployed man--expected or not. That was my point.

Spending time with a man who has a 'thing' for you, when you know your husband knows he has a 'thing' for you is disrespectful. Period. You tried to wrap it up in 'business' but you admitted you were in no hurry to go home.

You responded to my opinion with an attack which just proves my point that you need to learn to cope with others.

NOW, as to your kid. (Yes, folks, you knew this was coming).


Your head is so far up your ass you can't see daylight.

Your relationship with your husband will NEVER be a separate issue. Does he not hear you fight?? Perhaps you've heard of ACOA--Adult Children of Alcoholics?? So-called 'happy' kids grow up and go there. There wouldn't be a support group that large if there wasn't a serious problem with children being raised in these environments.

Children of alcoholics grow up with a higher incidence of drug/alcohol abuse, promiscuity, divorce and serial marriages. I work in a detox unit, I know what I am talking about.

If you don't like what my opinions are--ignore them.

Morning Glory

TinyOne,

You're the one with your head up your ass. Maybe you should take a look at your own s.hit while you're up there and stop judging everyone else. People who behave like you don't last long around here.

Jon

That's not an excuse for your behavior.

It is your attitude and outright bitterness that is destructive here Tiny. You have answers for everyone but you.

And YOU don't know what it's like to have kids. So stop giving f*cked up advice about something you know nothing about.

YOUR post was an attack, Tiny. She responded to an attack. Period.

That will be the last time you talk like that to someone here.

Actually Tiny, you only THINK you know what you're talking about. And that makes you dangerous.